Being Separtated

Updated on October 07, 2008
J.B. asks from Redlands, CA
7 answers

my husband and i separated about 2 or 3 weeks ago. long story short we got into a fight over his parents because they are crazy and like to play games if they dont get to see our daughter when they demand. i told him to leave and to go back to his moms house (we moved into my aunts house to get away from his parents). he begs me to take him back but right now i dont want him back. i let him see our daughter because he has the right to. its amazing how different she acts when hes around (tantrums like no other). he doesnt understand or believe that shes good as gold 90% of the time its just her and i. hes asked me to move back into his parents house and i told him a big hell no! to that for the reasons- they try to control what happens with my daughter, they get mad when i disapline her, and im not aloud to have any friends over. they treat me like im 16 and i think its bs. they are over bearing and it causes severe stress on my marriage (worse then now). i also know he only wants me to move back in there so his parents can see the baby everyday (its them that want her there so they make him ask). they dont understand that they shouldnt base their lifes around my child because with the next baby it wont be like that. we moved out for a reason to be away not to be over there when they say so. his parents told me that they would turn my cell phone off (im on their family plan) if i didnt take the baby over there. mind you it had been just 2 weeks snce they seen her. i try to get my husband to see that when we move into our own house its going to be a month or more in between them seeing her. also when his parents try to hurt me by playing their games i play hard ball back at them and stand my ground. but anyways anyone have any helpful advice?

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So What Happened?

we are slowly doing better. i know its going to take time and im not rushing it. we actually had a great weekend together and i even went to his parents house for the day so they could see the baby. im not sure when he will be moving back here with me and the baby but only time will tell. we are going to goto marriage counciling because we do need help to better handle things. thanks to everyone who responded it helped a great deal your all the best!!!

More Answers

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D.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Independence is a good thing but it comes with a cost. You have to be self reliant, being able to take care of yourself and your child. Then you can call your own shots. No one can turn off your cell phone if you pay for it yourself. These are the bonuses of a good education followed by a good job. If you have these already then go for it. Dependency has its own cost as well; when other people do for you they expect something in return, maybe a lot in return. If you choose to fight that then they will resent it and retaliate. It is very difficult to have the autonomy you crave when you have to live with someone else. It would probably be best for everyone involved if you and your husband could get your own place. Being in a situation that creates so much bitterness will mar your future relationships and grand parents should be a happy part of your child’s life. You don’t want to cut that possibility off forever because you can’t live together today.

3 moms found this helpful
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D.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

J.,

Not sure what advice I can offer, but your husband needs to think about the amount of stress he is putting on his child. When my son's father and I began trying to mend our relationship, we've not been together since I was 3 mos. preggers, when my son was 6 mos. old so they could bond it was tough. As time progressed, my son would through tantrums when he got older and clind to me and eventually didn't want to be around his father at all.

Our kids can feel the tension in the air, and begin to fear the person that brings on that stress. As her father, he should understand she needs a stable environment that does not include manipulation and selfish behavior. His paretns raised their children, and they are done now. He needs to stand-up to them, and whether you stay together or not create ground rules for how they should treat you and his child.

My relationship with my ex's parents was never good either, and really after we broke up it got worse. My son doesn't see them unless his Dad takes them over there to see them. They don't send birthday cards or anything, and it all comes down to me saying 'no' about my son being dropped off their for visits without his Dad when he was four mos. old because they didn't want me in their house.

Not sure if any of this will help, but stand your ground for your little girl. She deserves to have both of you in her life, but not at the expense of her happiness and security. If living with his family in not a healthy situation for everyone, than your child will suffer and that is never good.

If you can, sit down with your husband. Make a journal of points you want to address and express your concerns for your daughter, as she is really the most important thing. If you can put the goal of living in your own home on a timeline, so he sees their is a future goal for YOUR family together and that this is the time to be present for the family the two of you are building together...

I wish you good luck.

2 moms found this helpful
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S.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

Omg! Im in the same situation pretty much. Anout seven months ago my husband and i moved in with his parents ( because we wanted to save for a house, pay off bills, and mainly because we had a neighbor smoking weed and it was not healthy for our baby) well bad idea! They pretty much ruined our marriage ( not that we didnt have our problems ) but we are currenty separated as well ( its been like two weeks) and im so sad! We are getting along much better though and hopefuly will be able to fix things and get our family back together.
I think you did the right thing! Hopefuly everything will work out for you and your family!
I swear moving in with in laws is the worst thing anyone could do!
You can email me anytime i know what youre going though!

1 mom found this helpful
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M.L.

answers from Reno on

Hi J.,

I don't have advice really. I just read your post and I can feel the anger and hurt you are feeling. Dealing with in-laws is so very hard. I have a crazy mother in law as well, and she lives in the house right around the corner from us. HEr backyard yard and ours share a fence. She too is manipulative, favors one of my kids over the the other, and is never dependable. She doesn't like it when I disciplne my daughetr, and feels like I ask too much of her. Well if I do it is becuase I don't want the kids to grow up spoiled like her son, my husband did. My dad died 3 weeks ago and she never even came over, sent a card or said anything along the lines of "I am sorry" to me. However, she is now the only living grandparent my kids have. I totally agree with you, that this is YOUR child, and you have every right to raise her the way you feel is best. They can suggest all they want or tell you that they never would have done this or that, but this is your child. As parents we have a responsibility to raise our kids to become productive members of society, to be independent, to have strong beliefs and morals. I am not saying write your husband or your in-laws off. I am merely suggesting that you stick to your guns when it comes to how you are raising your child, talk to your husband calmly, and without fighting. This is a hard one for me since I am a yeller, so I know it can be difficult. But also, if it were reversed, if you were living with your mom and dad, and they made comments or suggestions, would you be so mad? Because if the answer to that question is no, because they are Your parents, then try to think of it like that. These are your husbands parents. This is who he grew up with and who he feels comfortable with. Would he have a problem if you were living with your mom and dad? It is hard. Relationships are hard, parenting is hard, blending everyone is hard. You may not like everything he does or says, or they do or say, but you are family.

I would suggest if it is financially feasible to find a place to live on your own. That may be tough too with our economy. Everyone is struggling. So hang in there, and I am glad you found a place where you can vent. Sometimes this website is great. It will get better in time, you just have to find a way to make everything fit into place. Good luck, hang in there, and know you are not alone when it comes to in-law troubles.

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J.D.

answers from San Diego on

I can understand living with the in Laws but have you and your husband thought about moving into an apartment to work things out. It sounds like the in laws are more of a problem. Maybe you guys need your own space.

I live with my in laws and its been great but now 3 years later we are so ready to move out and deal with things our selves.

This sounds like you all need to move out and be alone. even if financially it is difficult but you will have yor own space

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J.L.

answers from San Diego on

Hi J., I', confussed, you say you don't want him back, then at the bottom you say I am married to a wonderful man. I think you your husband and your little girl need to all be in a place together but on your, I'm going to tell you, moving in with family is a big marriage risk, I am a great mother inlaw to my daughter inlaw, but if we were all living in the same house the same house there would be stress. and my son is one of my best friends, but in the same house no I don't think so. The tantrums she is trowing is becasue her home has been disrupted. Get a lace of your own as soon as you can, even if you eat beans and rice for 6 months at least you will all be together. J. L.

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E.Z.

answers from Los Angeles on

J.,
It's never a good idea to live with your inlaws - on either side.
Why not start anew with a place of your own.
You are, after all married and have a child together. Dissolving it because of in laws seems kind of ridiculous.
I'm sorry, but it's like you say, if you live on your own, you'll only see them once or so a month.
If he wants to see his parents more often, let him do so, and why not take the child with him at that time. Nothing dictates that you'd need to follow along every single time.
I have a sister in law, that we barely ever see. That's fine - that's up to her.
Whether you like it or not - these people are related to your child - something that separating from your husband (and in that same way - separating your child from her father) will not cure.
Sit down with you husband, explain that you want the two of you to be the ONLY people making decisions for your child, get your own place, and have your husband explain the reality of the facts to his parents.
They will budge - trust me.
But never, ever let your inlaws ruin things for you, you'll need to find a middle ground. Talk to your husband!!!!

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