We are currently having some issues with our 4 yr old daughter. She likes to say bad words (stupid, shut up, I don't like you) and recently starting using a$$ on a regular basis. We have tried the reward chart for not using bad words, listening, and being good but it's not working so great. We have also used time outs and losing privledges such as tv time and special toys. She seems almost proud every day when we get home telling us how many times she was bad. It has become upsetting to us and our nanny and our 2 year old son is picking up similar bad behaviors.
Any suggestions/advice how to deal with this situation?
Thanks :)
Sounds like an attention-seeking device. With 2 younger siblings, it's working. My kids are all grown now (5), and I remember using the old-fashioned dish soap on the toothbrush technique. It only took one time , but it worked! Good luck. Kids are sassy.
If she is daring enough to brag when she's been "bad," then the old wash-the-mouth-with-soap idea may just backfire on you; she may "get her back up" if you do that and be even more defiant. Punishments can actually be seen by kids, believe it or not, as a form of attention, and she definitely wants your attention, even if it's the negative attention of time outs and fussing at her. She curses, she gets attention, and her little siblings don't.
I'd suggest immediately and unequivocally withdrawing ALL adult attention when she curses. Time outs can do that only if you do not talk to her, engage her, fuss at her or give her any form of attention while she is in time out, and also if she stays in her time out seat and doesn't defy you by getting up, getting a toy or book, etc. If you have to restart time out 10 times over two hours just to get four completely quiet and still minutes of time out (followed by her telling you what she did that got her in time out and an apology to you) -- then put her back in time out 10 times even if it takes hours! TV's "Supernanny" has that right -- time out won't work if the child moves around or if the parent talks to or in any way engages the child during that time, and time out should restart if the child gets up. Maybe she's not doing that but it's a thought, if she is.
Alternatively, you can say very coolly (not fussing at her), "Stop right there. You cursed. I cannot talk to you when you use those words because they are not words I accept or recognize. When you can apologize and use real words we can talk again." Then walk away, start your own chore etc. and don't engage her, answer her, etc. until she apologizes. Sounds cold, yes, but lets her know this is NOT acceptable behavior and won't be rewarded with your attention. Then thank her and give her attention once she apologizes, and drop the subject.
And be sure to give her lots and lots and lots of praise for good behaviors. If you use a reward chart, focus it not on "not doing bad stuff" (It's hard for kids to understand a negative like that) but on "doing specific good behaviors" like picking up toys, washing two dishes a day or any other chore that helps her feel empowered and like a big girl who gets mom's attention by being good, not by being naughty.
Where is she learning this type of language? I never even heard the word a$$ when I was 4! She must have picked up some bad behavior somewhere and I would look into that situation - keeping them sheltered for as long as possible will help them mature enough to know the difference between right and wrong - at 4 they're still trying to figure it out. After removing the negative influence, be it day care, tv, adult exposure, etc, I would keep emphasizing the importance of using nice words. If she uses a bad word, put her in timeout - tell her why (not nice words, etc), and then eventually she will get it. Make sure that you are setting a good example in your own speech so she will know that you don't use those types of words and she will try to emulate you.
Obviously, she is learning this somewhere. There is a child or an adult in her life who is acting inappropriately around her. You need to identify who and when and stop it. This is not acceptable and not normal kid stuff. yes, kids play around with this language and tease each other, but someone should be disciplining them. My daughter is not talked ot this way in child care, with playmates, or at home. If I find it in books or on tv, those activities stop. Set high expectations regarding what she sees and hears.
Beyond that you need to give her a lot of praise for appropriate and kind behavior and need to ahve a no tolerence policy for bad. Don't take away special toys if she doesn't care take away all toys, parties, etc. until she gets it. If you find her currancy, it won't take much time to get her behavior to improve.
She may be getting excited about saying words that grown-ups use, and feeling very grown-up about it. I bet you could swap out some more sophisticated grown-up words! Maybe sign up for one of those word-a-day emailing services, and teach her the vocabulary word of the day. Try to use it in context a few times that day, and see if she can use it. Maybe you could look around for age-appropriate word games. Start a word wall where you write new words that she has learned in an easily visible place.
Words can be fun, I bet she likes the attention of learning new vocabulary. Just channel it!
Stop rewarding her! By giving attention for doing the bad things, she gets what she wants, more of your time. There are plenty of things that you need to let her know are not appropriate, she may use many of them against you. Girls are devious and manipulative much earlier than boys. My thought is this is a phase and she is enjoying the attention that she is getting. I know thqat you can't ignore it all of the time, but maybe you can pick the timing and style of your attention. Try being matter of fact, try not showing anger. One thing that work for my kids wa telling them how dissapointed I was in their choice or action. I hope that this helps.
I need this help too, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My son is 4.5 and is in a terrible phase now as well. Charts have never done a thing for us. It works for 3 days and then he doesn't care anymore. He hasn't watched a show in 2 weeks! He loves TV! Instead of changing his behavior to get it back, he has just stopped asking about it. The behavior is more fun I guess. I think only time changes things, but I will listen and try any suggestions you get too! We just started another chore chart as a desperate measure, but it really isn't working.
i know this may sound bad but my sister's kid did the same thing and she used the whole wash your mouth out with soap technique. I thought it was so old fashion at first but now if you say "butt or stupid around him he will tell you to go wash your mouth out with soap cause it is dirty!!! so it worked on him a 3 year old!
