Behavior Issues with 4 Year Old Boy

Hello, I am a mom of 4 children soon to be 5 any day now( 3 boys and a girl and 1 more girl on the way)My children are now 13,9,7,and 5 and they were all at there worst at 3 and 4 years old. There were no terrible 2's. They had horriffic 3's and haunting 4's. I think as they get older they realize how much they want to try and express themselves and try and test you. They are more aware and want to be more independent. I find it hard at times ecspeacially now with being so tired from being pregnant to stay consistant but that has been the only thing that has worked is to be consisitent on my discipline and make sure I follow through. your son also does not always ahve his little sisiter around him in public or is more distracted bby other things to bother with her. But at home she is always there to bother him or to be in his way. Do not worry this is just a phase like all of the other phases they go through as children and with your dedication to not letting it happen and showing him what is right and wrong, this to shall pass. ( Just wait until you have a teenager, that is alot of fun) I do not think at all your son has anger issues. Take care, stay strong and God bless you!
M.

Hello, S..

I am a psychologist and a mother of a 2 year-old boy. First, I think that you should let yourself off the hook a little. Unless something troubling has happened to him that you did not disclose or there has been other disturbance in the family, I doubt he has anger issues. From my understanding, boys sometimes hit their "terrible twos" a little late. So, again, unless you can pinpoint something, think of this as natural. However, there are things you can do. First, however you choose to discipline him, be consistent. Make the punishment fit the crime and don't ease up just because he's tired, you're tired, or you feel guilty because you worked all day or whatever. I find that taking away something that is important to them or a time out works well. Also, with my son, I often have him redo whatever he did wrong. For example, if he hits, I will tell him that he hurt me/friend and tell him to show me his gentle hands and apologize. Usually he will rub my arm and say sorry. Then I will tell him how much I like playing with him when he is gentle. If he doesn't, I let him know that if he doesn't do it he will lose something (usually his bedtime stories). You can also begin to notice gentle behavior. Compliment your husband or daughter or his friends when they handle a situation calmly as you would like your son to do. He will want that and hopefully copy. Just make sure you compliment him when he does it, too. I'm sure you are doing this, but help give words to his feelings. "You must be frustrated right now. When you use your words/big boy voice I can help you." Just ignore him until he acts appropriately. In the end, the key is making sure his needs get heard while also letting him know that just because he is upset does not mean he gets to act any kind of way. Lastly, just hang in there. He sounds basically well adjusted and you are doing great. You and your husband are the only parents your son has on earth, so don't feel bad about having do the tough parts! Good luck!

Having been a preschool teacher and nanny I think it is very normal and a good sign when children have good behavior outside the home and fall apart at home. Thats their safe haven to express those deeper emotions with the ones they love the most, mom and dad. When I noticed this negitive behavior or acting out with our son it was a sign his "love tank " was getting low or on empty. Some quality time always seemed to do the trick. Also try to be a step ahead of him. If you see the negitive behavior building up and he is starting to lash out at his sister, tell him what you see and talk about how you think he might be feeling at that moment. Say you see he is about push her or grab something, Say what you see about to happen outloud and what the feelings are behind it. " James! I see your about to grab that toy from your sister. You must be feeling frustrated but it's not okay to grab. Let me help you, maybe we could trade toys with her". We also talked about positive and negitive behavior. My sons negitive behavior was always a sign of an unmet need be it from his older sister or us. I won't go on as you've gotten so much great advice from everyone. Hang in there your doing a great job with one of the hardest jobs on the planet but the most rewarding .

Hi S.,

I am not an expert but it seems that your 4 year old may be going through a little phase. Maybe jealousy. If he is well-behaved in school and with others, it is probably not an anger issue. I think if you stay consistent with what you are doing and spend some 1 on 1 time with him without sister, things will eventually work itself out. If you do not believe in spanking, try and stay with timeouts and whatever methods you are used to. You will feel better about it. Try to remember it wont last forever. Good luck! S. (Mother of 9yr, 4 yr, and 3 month old :-))

My son was also great for his 2's and 3's, but at 4 became a real problem (He's 4.5 now). We have found his behavior is a lot better when we try to give him some individual attention each day (he also has a younger sister). Also, I have to try real hard to give him things to do. He gets bored easily and then acts out. I let him do lots of arts and crafts and we keep him busy with sports and activities so he doesn't have time to misbehave. It was so bad that my husband wanted to hang a punching bag in his room. He still has outbursts, but they have gotten better. I think part of it too is that he has gotten very independent, but that independence can be a little scary too. He isn't really big kid yet, but not a little kid either, sort of stuck in the middle. Every Sunday we have a fun family day and the kids pretty much choose what we all do together. Sometimes we watch a movie at home, play soccer, go for a bike ride, go swimming...pretty much anything reasonable if they suggest it, we do it. They feel like they have some control over things and it helps them cooperate on the big things. I am not saying that it has been completely smooth sailing, but it has improved. We also make sure we are giving him the right words to use when he has his outbursts, by labeling his feelings and discussing it with him. Also, timeouts don't seem to work well for him, but what has worked great is losing a privlidge instead. For example, we take away his bike for the day or no tv etc. (We always give a warning and state what will be taken away). This is much more effective for him than a timeout since he could care less about that. Good luck. Our son has really tried our patience, but we are amazed at his development and how smart he has become. He really gets things and loves to figure things out, so we have found the more challenge him, he seems to thrive on that.

Dear S., how is your son now? If you are still having problems please call me.
###-###-####. My name is A., I think I can help.