Behavior - Porter Ranch, CA

Hi S.,
You are on the right track... just keep doing it. 2 year olds just are not empathetic (and neither are 3 or 4 year olds) but eventually he'll get it. My son is almost 7 and he still doesn't always get it. But we keep reminding him and know at some point we won't have to remind him anymore.

Good luck!

Homeopathy works well for this. don't go to MD (or ND or OD or chiro)or any other practitioner who does homepathy "on the side". in this case you only need professional homeopath with classical homeopathy certification with homeopathy as only mocality in practice. to find one close to you:
http://www.homeopathy.org/directory.html
not all of them are as above, but this is a nice list to start from
Good Luck
V.

Tying in with Riley's example:
In my neighborhood, there is this boy. Now about 12-13 years old. His Mom, never taught him any "empathy" or how to be RESPONSIBLE for HIS actions and 'hurting' others.
Now, this kid is a brat. Sorry, but there is no other words for it.
He now lies about his transgressions and his Mom is his pit-bull and backs him up on ANY wrong doing her son does. She says she doesn't want to undermine his "confidence." Ha.
No one likes him or his Mom.

Now, not saying this is you in any way. BUT, Riley, has a point that with certain kids/personalities... they need a more tangible and direct way of being "taught" empathy and how to treat others. And it has to be consistent.

Empathy with some kids and at a young age, is not understood.. but in a plain and simple way, they do get it. It is a taught ability.

Stay the course, and keep engaging him in HOW to treat others... and that there are consequences. AND your older son should be getting the empathy here... and he should NOT have to be alone with your younger son. He could get really hurt, physically and emotionally. And it won't build sibling "love."

When I was a child, my sister, was a lot like your younger son. She was a bully toxic brat to me. I HATED it. SHE had no interest in having "empathy" and it was a CHOICE. Then as she got older, she just became an older brat. No nice, not cute, and not fun for me. Only now as an older adult, she has "grown up." FINALLY. And only because she had so many bad relationships and interactions with people who would simply NOT put up with it or her.
And as her sister, quite frankly, I did not "like" her.... even if she was my sister. Until full adulthood... when she saw the light and improved herself, did we actually get along. I for one, would NOT punish your eldest son for the youngest sons misbehavior, nor expect him to put up with it, nor burden him with having to cope. ALL kids need help with "coping." It's frustrating as heck, to have a sibling that is a bully and 'mean' and antagonistic. And in simple terms, its not 'fair' to the other kid who IS 'nice.'
Play up the sympathy for your eldest son when your 2.5 year old hits/hurts him... and tell him you are all 'teaching' your youngest son how to be 'nicer'... so that your eldest son feels heard and comforted and that you are doing something about it.

In its most simplistic sense, a child will keep doing what works... whether for better or for worse. So, they need consequences... BUT consequences with a "lesson" being taught. So that the "logic" of it all, is explained and shown to them. Words alone, will not work. Nor, just putting them in time-out. There has to be a full circle to it... a CONCLUSION to the misbehavior.

But of course, he is only 2.5 years old. So, for each kid, they understand things at a different pace.
The book "Your 2 Year Old" is great, from www.amazon.com
But it will be a work in progress... main thing is consistency... and why not just teach him "empathy" with him realizng it, instead of not realizing it? Kids can learn all kinds of 'words' at this age. At this age, I taught my kids the word "compromise" and the meaning for it, so that they understood what sharing and taking turns was and that not all things are gotten immediately. They LOVED using this word, even at their young age.

Teach him social skills and 'empathy' with EVERYDAY activities... any chance you can get. AND, importantly, teach him what a "sibling" is... and what a "family" is, and what "caring" is and what "love" is... and how the WHOLE family counts, not just 1 person. That we all have each others back. I emphasize these things with my kids from the time they were babies.. just talking story about it... and over time by the time they were toddlers, they "knew" what a 'sibling' was.... etc. It takes time...

Well, just some thoughts and what I went through as a kid.

All the best, I know its not easy,
Susan

I can see why your older son is scared and refuses to be alone in a room with his brother. No one is protecting him or standing up for him...He has to be an adult at seven. More than an adult really...adults can call the cops if someone is beating them up...and can file a restraining order if it's happening on a regular basis.

<grinning> Now here's my caveat...Your younger son sounds exactly like my son :) (and the son of a close friend of mine). Strong willed, intelligent, super active, funny, charismatic...born leaders or tyrants, etc.

My *experience* with these types of kids is that the teaching empathy stuff that works with more sensitive souls, doesn't work here. That a parent has to tie a pavlovian response of feeling bad, when they hurt someone, and that THEN the empathy stuff works.

What we did was to have some unilateral rules. Hitting was an instant scooped up and in time out in the crib. (We kept our crib for longer than most, because it was such a convenient timeout place). With the "You don't HURT people" and walk away with the door open...so he could very easily see us going on with our normal lives. If he was upset, good, we could work with that. If not, then we guilted him into feeling bad. Full on, full out, guilt & shame. I used to be embarrassed by that, but not anymore. So too, "if you throw a fit you don't get what you want". If you want to leave, we stay. If you want to stay we leave. ... Ahem... these things tie into the whole not falling for/feeding the manipulation thing. Nope. You don't learn to hit because you want to be by yourself for awhile. You learn to say you want to be by yourself.

At first, my son obviously felt badly for himself. Then you start doing the conditioned empathy thing. "You HURT your friend. How you feel right now, is how HE feels, but worse. You HIT him and that hurt. And someone who he LOVES hit him, which makes his heart hurt. As much as you hurt and are unhappy right now, he feels WORSE. You HURT him."

The whole point of course, is to bring on more tears and crying, to make them feel as bad as possible about what they did. And THEN to start giving them options; how to apologize, how not to hit in the first place (taking a deep breath and counting to five, saying you need alone time, etc.).

Once they start feeling badly about hurting others you can start tying in media. Pointing out how a charactor is losing their temper, and needs to start doing what THEY (the hitting/biting/pushing/whatever mean-violent behavior the toddler falls into when THEY lose their temper) is learning how to do.

The inverse of this whole thing of course, is that the flipside of these traits are VERY VERY good. So we praised and rewarded the heck out of them. It wasn't the toddler that was bad, we weren't trying to rewire HIM just his behavior in this one small area. The negative aspects of this personality lost him things, the positive ones gained him things. We wanted him to KEEP his personality, but hurting people isn't an aspect of personality, it's a learned behavior. As is NOT hurting people. Everyone flails at first. Well, nearly everyone. We regarded it as our duty as parents to direct that, to teach him how to USE his personality, and not to flail and lash out. (Wow...doesn't that sound pompous? <Laughing> in all reality it was a learning experience for all of us, with good and bad days...but I was very serious about the duty aspect. Even if it meant that I was late, or missed out on something, this was a thing that had to be gotten to and dealt with accordingly each and every time. Sigh. Soooo not easy. I don't mean to make it sound like it was.)

My friends tried timeouts with their son, but wouldn't guilt him into feeling bad, so they gave up... because he was just as happy to be on timeout as anywhere else (and like us, they don't believe in physical punishment). He's 5 now. While most of the physical injuries he's caused to others are minor, he sent an 8 year old to the hospital a few months ago because he pushed him down the stairs at a birthday party. His reasoning was that the other kid was older and was "in his way". He honestly doesn't give darn who he hurts, or how much he hurts them. At having to leave the party, he was upset about not having cake, but not about hurting this other kid. My friends didn't do any tieing in (even with this extreme situation), because they don't want him to "doubt his decision" or to "lose his self confidence". Um....HELLOO...

He finally got punched in the face by another little boy last summer (about time, he'd been torturing this poor kid). My friend's son bawled, but since the other boy went home (duh), my friends son in telling the story from HIS view on it is that this boy had to leave because he hurt him. He honestly thinks that it's okay for him to hurt others, but not the other way around. He doesn't make any of the connections. The whole situation is really really sad. Because (except in this area, where he's been given no guidance whatsoever...aside from those self same games that just don't WORK unless they feel badly about something to begin with)...he's a really sweet, bright kid.

Hi S., this behavior is something you do want to nip in the bud now. These traits you are describing as strong traits for an adult, their not, ask the wife or the child who is in an abusive home, because this now adult grew up with mean traits as a child. I know you said you are being patient with him, patients are a must, but without firm discipline your son may very well see your patience as weakness, who always gets picked on? the weak. You asked about games to play to teach him empathy, discipline will do that. Sibling rivary is normal, but between a 7 year old and a 2 year old, I'm not so sure. Your 7 year old needs to be allowed to defend himself, even though his brother is only 2. Realize sweetie that your 2 year old is learning this behavior by someone some where. Children learn what they live, and live what they learn. Hope this helps. and In apoligize if this sounds harsh, but i feel bad for your 7 year old, and I have seen this issue in a few other homes, it's not fair to the siblings. J. L.

Oh goodness my dear S.,

You have a 2 yr old running the household and YOU. You need to step up right away and take control of the house and the children. I dont mean this harsh in any way. It can happen and you dont realize that you have LET HIM do what he has arranged.
IMMMEDIATE CONSEQUENCES. Put him in a room by himself RIGHT when he acts up, and DONT give in until he is quiet and says he's sorry. This will take the whole day at first but these are the rules, period. I know your older one wasnt like this, but the situation somehow has taken over, because he's the baby and gets more attention, by demanding it and you guys give it. When he's in a room alone he will in no way get his way, because no one's there to pay attention, whether it be negative attention or not, it will be NONE. He cant have attention or anything he wants from behaving negatively. He is running your life mom, and he will continue to get worse and grow to be a problem in who knows what way. He is spoiled S.. You are reading too much into the basic facts, finding reasons of phycology,etc. to analyze and excuse. He is a 2 yr old throwing tantrums for attention, and getting it, from you AND his brother, which of whom I'm concerned about because of this. Is brother OK? Is he getting what he needs from you and are you sure?
These are hard things to face I know, when someone directs you in your mistakes. When it is YOU, it's harder to see, and I am from a perspective. I have a teenage girl 17, and a four yr old girl! The teen is harder. But I had ZERO trouble with her when she was little and my 4 yr old is bolder and took more work for whatever reason. It made my teen hurt sometimes becuase of the constant attention to the baby, and I had to adjust to allow my teen time and focus on just her sometimes. The baby's always in the way. Had she not said something and her friends said to me, I'd have not known.
Please, for the sake of BOTH children, do as I say. It will take patients and make you cry maybe but be stronger because you are actually saving him.

Bless,

Wendy
let me know please! Im so curious.

I've had these challenges with one of my twins who is now 6. I've learned some great techniques from my kids teachers at Waldorf, who are specifically trained in managing discipline and bullying. It mostly has to do with modeling at his young age. You might try these with your son. When he hurts someone, give attention to the hurt child/person and have your son help to care for the victim. Have them get ice, give hugs or whatever, so that he has to participate in caring. Then put him in time-out with his blankie not as punishment, but so that he can calm down. Doctor/hospital games where caring for hurt people might be a good game.

A great author on the subject of discipline and simplicity parenting is Kim John Payne. I actually have CD's of his books that I listen to constantly. He cautions against the "if then" punishment "if you do this, then I take away your blankie" scenarios. My husband likes this discipline tactic, but I see it only making the situation worse, as my children lose what soothes them in a difficult moment.

Payne demonstrates a 2x2 method: stand 2 feet from your child (stand - do not come "down to their level" - you are the authority and they need to know it) plant 2 feet on the ground and calmly state what is acceptable in your household. With no threats of punishment or reward. Just simply, "this is not what we do here". And just stick to that stance, calmly and firmly, with the direction going down through you body, not up from your throat. This has been the best technique that I have ever used. Both for me and my children. I am calm and do not waver. It takes time, patience and perseverance and I may go in my room and cry just to vent afterwards, but it has made a huge difference in our discipline. They know when I mean business and yet there is no punishment or bribery to get desired behavior.

Good luck!

Prodigy & Advance Children Books, Crystal & Indigo Children Books from Amazon.com. Your child may be advanced and having a difficult time expressing himself.

Also, NAET.com for allergy eliminations. Most of the problems we have physical, mental, emotional are allergy related.

Be well.

N.

Dear S.,
There are many ways to handle poor choices and "mean" behaviors.
Using time out is a good start, but remember you need to TEACH him the behaviors you want to see. One "sneeky" way is to reward your other son for doing the things he is already doing and LOUDLY praising him (This technique also gives him the attention HE deserves for being "GOOD"). Give him alot of verbal praise, hugs, high fives and maybe even a special treat....right in front of the other child. Be very specific in your praise..." I really like the way you helped me with... "Or "I like the way you are listening", "I like the way you are keeping your hands down". You also have to watch the little one for very small progress and praise him for things he is doing right. Another way is to put up charts (Bright, Visuals are good reminders for younger children).
I use Happy(Green) and Sad (RED)faces with my special students and they begin to understand fairly quickly what is going to earn a MOST wanted "extra something" at the end of the outing...then at the end of the day...then at the end of the week, etc.
Its NOT about the toys, treats or anything like that, it really is about your ATTENTION. Good or Bad it doesn't seem to matter, so ignore the minor things and talk often with each child. And give as much good attention to each one as you can. Oh and remember NOT to give up. Change is hard for everyone, but especially children. BE CONSISTENT and methodical in your approach. You usually see good results in 4-8 weeks.
W.

I would have your child evaluated by an MD or child psychologist for opositional defiant disorder, just in case. Best case- your child doesn't have it, no harm no foul. Better case, he has it, but you catch it early and head off more problems later, worst case, he has it but you don't catch it until later and then more problems. Hopefully this is just a stage, but I think it's VERY smart of you to be trying to nip it in the bud early. Good luck!

Hi S.,
I am a Marriage, Family, Child therapist (in fact,I have that very same Jacqueline Kennedy quote on my website, at www.catherinedemonte.com. It's a great quote!!) and am the mother of two boys, (now grown) myself. I hope I can shed some light on the subject for you.

You sound very patient and loving and I apprecaite how you don't shame your younger boy or make him feel like HE is bad, but that you are clear you don't like the BEHAVIOR. Well done! It takes a lot of repetition but you are on the right track.
Personally I didn't take away things from my sons when they misbehaved because the 2 are unrelated; for ex. taking away a blankie (or tv or a toy)is not related to what he did - the "punishment" doesn't fit the "crime". Taking things away or spanking -(which I am obviously opposed to and I am glad you aren't doing. How much sense would it make to try to teach a boy who is behaving aggressively not to hit by hitting him?!)- are both punishments. It's much more productive (and better "modeling")to discipline. Discipline has at it's root the word "disciple" and as such, it's about being the kind of teacher that a stuendet wants to follow by example becuase of the teacher's amazing knowledge, wisdom and kindness.
You want to reward the behavior you DO want, so that when he is behaving in the way you like him to, you "Catch him being good" and let him know you like it (don't cross- reference this positive behavior to the times he he isn't behaving like that. For ex., it's better to say "I like how well you are able to share your toys with your brother" (PERIOD!) is much better then "I like how nice you are sharing - why can't you always do that? Isn't this better than when you were mean at the park?"!!!
Also, one thing we don't really remember about our children is that children don't have the capacity to be empathic until 7!! Isn't that mind-boggling!? By that I mean, they can't get into someone else's shoes until then, although we can certainly talk to them about being kind, etc. But have you ever noticed that when we ask our child (younger than 7) how they would feel if..." they stare at your blankly?! That's because they DON'T know how they would feel! But they know we are upset and they did something wrong, but I would drop that question. I would replace it with a statement. I woud say "That hurts your brother's or friends feelings (or his "body" if he was rough with the dog or another child) and that it's not Ok to treat our friends (or dog) that way. You need to use your gentle hands" (I always suggest saying what you DO want, not what you DON'T want, when discipling a child). Then show him what gentle hands would look like. I would also start these conversations with him with what you see going on for him that makes him act like he did in the first place; i.e. "I know you really wanted that toy", or "I see that you feel --" but's not Ok to grab the toy (or, "but you need to wait unitl your friend is finished with it. Here! You can play with this in the meantime") Children have tantrums when they don't feel heard (that's why they get loud and "big" during them. They want to make their needs met and they can't). This will also model empathy becuae you are showing him that you understand his feelngs. I have a lot more suggestions on this topic but I think this gives you a good start. You may want to read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. That book is great in preventing ourtbursts in kids, and it's not too early to use the techniques the author describes in her book. I recommend this book to many, many of my clients and many have told me it's their all-time favorte parenting book in terms of being helpful.
Good luck! And you can also check out my site for parenting tips. Click on "Parenting" under the banner. I hope it helps. We have all ben there Sister!!!:) You are on the right track!! Just keep it up.

Best,
C. DeMotne, LMFT
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Hello, I know this is going to sound silly and too easy, but have you tried having his brother tell him how it makes him feel when he hits him? Part of it is the personality and part is what I call the second child syndrome. I'm not excusing it, it is just that the second one always seems to be more aggressive. If he seems to understand how he is making his brother feel, then try having him use his words when he get frustrated.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Hi S.,

I understand how stressful this situation is for you. Please know that this behavior is completely appropriate for your son. Below is a link to an article I wrote entitled 'Attack of the Two Year Old'.

http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/6/11_Attack...

I hope it offers your some comfort and, if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Coach

you have a lot going on. i'm sorry that you have to go through this. here's a little tidbit, but sorry that it doesn't cover everything you're asking for. to encourage certain behavior is to model that behavior. even act it out with your husband. not exactly letting your son know that you're just pretending, of course. and do it often in any situation possible. make up scenarios. but just let him be the "random" observer. kids copy everything you do, honestly....more than what you TELL them to do. And most importantly, don't be a phony. You need to be what you teach. Kids can smell a phony from miles away. You need to be what you're preaching.

if worse comes to worse, maybe do reverse psychology. next time he falls down, you look at him (make sure he sees you doing so) and don't say anything, just walk pass. see how he feels. if he whines and shows that he's upset you don't acknowledge his fall, use that as an opportunity to explain how when he hurts someone and he doesn't say sorry or acknoweledge their pain, they feel the same way he's feeling.

Maybe it's best to do this reverse psychology game after you've modeled the behavior for him several times. So that when it comes time and he really needs a little empathy, he'll be able to recognize the ERROR when he sees that you're not responding empathetically like he knows you should. Because he's learned from your modeling what that entails. hope i'm making sense.

best of luck to you.
btw, i don't agree that empathy is NOT possible until a child is in pre-K+. My son is 14 months and he knows how to sign sorry when he does something wrong. And every time he touches his 3-year-old sister harshly (even if it's not purposefully), we always say, "gentle, gentle" and move his hands gently...Now when we say "gentle" he does soften his strokes when he is touching her (without our help).

Believe in your child's ability to do good and you will see results; your efforts will not go to waste. Don't make excuses for their behavior...even their age.

I've just attended a seminar presented by Love and Logic for the purposes of addressing the needs of some of my 2nd grade students. I was also hoping strategies would be offered to meet the needs of my 4 year old son. It was very promising and I'm enthusiastic about the opportunity to apply what I've learned. I've already experienced some success with my son. I highly recommend taking a peek at their website, http://www.loveandlogic.com/. Several attendees have been pleased with their results and were back for more. Wishing you much success.

I too have a "spirited" toddler son who loves the reaction he gets from other kids and me when he pushes and takes toys. At this age, they are not doing it because they don't like someone (or else they wouldn't do it to everyone) they do it for the REACTION. So, although it seems like you are doing the responsible mommy thing, it's just not working. Discipline doesn't work on my son at all either and what I read to do it change the focus to how you want him to behave and then move on. So if my son pushes a kid over, I will take hime over and try to get him to do a nice gesture. If he won't then I just do it alone... I'm sorry, here's a hug, YAY! Make a big deal out of the reward for the good behavior. Make it fast and then find something to destract him with like a toy, or separate him from the situation, which is a pain (to leave the park and whatnot) but you have to. Oh yes, and if he wants to say push a kid, I might tell him to hit my hand instead, really enthusiastically. He loves that. I'll stick out my hand for a high-five and go, "Hit my hand! Yeah! Hit it! Good job!" My son is only one-and-a-half and this seems to work for us. Hope this helps!

I've always believed in and was raised with and raised my two children (and they are raising their children the same way because they know it works!) with the old saying "Spare the rod, spoil the child" and the "Golden Rule" (Do onto others as you would have others do onto you).
We were not beaten but knew that if we did anything wrong to others, animals, etc., there would be consequences for our actions...no "time out"...but real punishment. For instance, if we hit someone, we would be hit back. If we bit someone, we would get bitten too, so we could feel just how much it hurt the person we bit.
Maybe if you were more forceful in your punishment for his actions it just might help. I'm not saying to beat the child, but to give him real punishment. Then he would think twice before hitting or being mean to another person because he would know that if he did, the same thing would be done to him and he wouldn't like it at all.

L. V.

First of all, listen to your older son - and do not punish him by making him be in the room alone with the younger one. The is a book called, "How to Win the Whining Wars" by Cynthia Whitham that is excellent - but I think you have more of a problem than just reading a book will solve. SInce you older child was not at all like this - it is obviously not an environmental issue. If it were me, I'd find a good MFCC Therapist in my area and go myself for their help, and see what they recommend.

K.

I think that when he does something to hurt someone he is getting too much attention for it, even if it is negative attention. You should immediatly focus about 90% of your energy on soothing the injured party, kind of make a show of it even. You can get your older son to do this too. His punishment, timout, removal from the area, taking away toys should always be secondary.
Good luck,
H.

Honestly, I think this is just a stage. My son went through it around the same age. Our poor dogs!!! He especially picked on them. He is now 4 and all is fine. It has something to do with the brain development at the age. My daughter now 2 1/2 is going through the same thing. It's slowly getting better. She is actually hugging the dogs now. And trust me, her poor brother had to deal with her. I think it's more noticeable with the 2nd child. With the 1st their was no one except us parents and the dogs to pick on.

Hi S.

I'm sorry your son is having such trouble. I know there are lots of books out there to help you with your son's behavior. The book that was most helpful for me with my daughter was "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I also read "The Strong Willed Child" by James Dobson and I was appalled that he advocated for beating your child and then praying over them. The praying part was good, but the repeated recommendations of different ways to physically dominate your child put me off.

The "Raising Your Spirited Child" book may also help you assist your son in dealing with his brother. It is a shame that your little boy is missing out on playing with other kids because he needs more "tools" to be able to express his feelings. I know you will be able to help him with some social rules. Another thing that I have done that was helpful was to take some parenting classes. Initially, I signed up for the classes as socialization opportunities for my daughter. The "Families for REAL" classes in my area had children's activities with caregivers in the next room, while the parents sat at a round table and discussed parenting issues (potty training, discipline, nutrition, etc). It was really great for both of us and I met many other families that we still keep in touch with. I would encourage you to ask your pediatrician or local community center if such classes are offered where you live. (I live in Maui, and the classes are actually offered and paid for as part of the DOE system)

Good luck to you and your son.

Hi S.,
I believe that it is most important that in addition to teaching your child what is right and wrong, you need to also teach him how to deal with his feelings of frustration and provide an outlet for those feelings. While letting him know it's wrong to hurt others, and having a reasonable consequence for his age (time out - one minute for every year of his age, or toy taken away for a short time, or turn off tv, etc.), give him an alternative way to handle what he is frustrated about. As parents, its our job to give our children the right tools to deal with life. Teach him, instead of hitting your brother, he can go over to the couch and punch a pillow. We got our daughter one of those blow up punching bags and made it fun all the while teaching her how to release her anger in a healthy way. When children are not taught how to deal with their anger or release the stress, they just bottle it up inside and don't know what to do with it. They might eventually learn not to hurt others out of fear of being punished, but don't really understand the morality of the situation. I absolutely do NOT agree that you should hit or bite the child back - to me, this is hypocritical and can cause psychological damage. I absolutely DO agree that setting the example is a great way to teach. Make sure your child is seeing you and others in the family apologizing for mistakes, making up, hugging, etc. When you acknowledge the child's frustration in addition to teaching them how to behave appropriately with others, they are going to feel more secure in dealing with it "the right way" the next time. As always, you may have to remind him several times until he truly understands. And it's just as important to praise him when he does it correctly. Make a big deal out of it when he stops himself from hitting, or when he apologizes. I also don't think taking "Blankie" away should be a punishment. If that is his security, he's too young to take it away. This is the age where all of these issues are being learned and we are basically training their brains to deal with life in a responsible way that is good for both the child and those around him. There are also lots of great books on the subject of toddler behavior. You can also teach your 7 year old how to respond to his brother's anger... first, teach the older child, it's ok to defend yourself. Obviously he can't hurt his younger brother back, but if he sees it coming, he can distract the 2 year old by sharply saying no, and then literally showing him what to do instead... so the 7 year old can go over to a pillow and hit it, and the 2 year old is likely to copy him. Sometimes making a fun game out of it is more successful than punishment. As the child gets older, the consequences should increase. Hang in there, it will get better. That's why they call it the terrible twos!

Unfortunately, empathy is not something children are capable of before they 4-5 years old. One thing to do may be channeling his behavior to appropriate outlets, i.e. to suggest him other objects (not living things) that he can hit/throw when he gets the urge to hit someone. The other powerful strategy would be focusing on the person (or the animal) who got hit rather than on the hitter: you would be comforting the victim with exegerated gestures while ignoring the little hitter compeletely. After the victim is feeling better you can say just 2 or 3 words to your toddler saying that it is not ok to hit people or that it hurts when he hits-and that is it. A strong willed child will do the same thing again if he is warned/disciplined more intensely like giving time-out or yelling. So i would try to refrain from those as much as possible. For the play suggestions i do not have anything particular in mind, but there is a book called "playful parenting" which suggests ways of making many things more fun for your children and yourself. It is not about htting in particular but it is a helpful book. It is unfair to say about a 2 year old child that he will become an abuser. I think with such nice and thoughtful parents eventually he will grow it out

It looks like the sport activities seem to make a big difference in helping him relieve excess energy. Have you thought about enrolling him in some sort of daygroup activity a couple times a week? YMCA or gymboree or something similar might be available in your town. Or you can create a mini playgroup for him by finding local moms in your neighborhood.

Sounds like you could use some extra parent support. Feel free to sign up for my free parent empowerment pack. Our children are so precious and it's important to develop a close and loving relationship with them. I'm glad to see that you are doing so. Blessings,

L. at http://www.LorrainePursell.com

2 1/2 year olds are still developmentally not quite able to understand cause and effect to the level you are talking about. They are at a developmental level of understanding actions at a concrete level- literal and with what they can "see". For example, i roll a ball and it knocks down pins. More difficult is to see and thus understand is a situation as " i grab a toy from someone and it hurts their feelings". Try and remember that you always want to reinforce behavior you want to see more of. Meaning if you give him a long talk about how sad someone feels and how he should not hit someone is only REINFORCING this behavior just by the attention you are giving it. Natural consequences, when possible, are the best teaching tools. This is how Peer Pressure works. Ex: you wear "nerdy" shoes everyone laughs at you and so you don't wear them anymore. When my son was 2 I wanted him to learn he could not play in the street. I told him that the street was for cars and they could hurt him etc. He thought it was cool that everytime he tried to go into the street, I'd run after him and talk to him. So he'd even walk towards the street slowly (to give me more time to catch up to him , i suppose-) AND he'd look back at me as to say "hey, look Im almost there" - that stinker. So i realized actions were going to work better for him than words. So, i said- if you go into the street , you go inside the house. So of course, words were not as much fun as watching me run after him when he stepped into the street. So he tried it again and i picked him up and put him inside- our kitchen side door led to our driveway and he stood there crying and watching his sister, dad and me having a great time, playing ball right outside his reach. BUT he learned very quickly- what it was i was trying to tell him. IF your son cannot share or if he hits than i suppose he can learn that his behavior will keep him from playing for that moment or activity with others- just put him inside, even if you have to remain with him without a lot of talking except OOPS, i guess hitting means you cannot play with X.
REmember that immediate and natural consequence is important- you can't save the consequence for when you get home an hour later from the park. There 's a book called SOS for Parents. IT offers simple and illustrated ideas. Keep it simple for 2 yrs olds. And remember: Talking is a reinforcer even if it's in your "mean, I mean it voice". Attention is probably the function of your son's behavior. IT sounds like he IS GETTING what he wants. hope this helps.