I am the mother of 3 healthy, active children. Recently, my husband and I have been in disagreement about what time my oldest (10 years old) should be allowed to stay up at night. I feel 8:45 for the 10 yr old is good since he must be up at 6:45am to get the bus at 7:30 am for school. I am the one who gets the kids ready for bed, reads to them, makes sure teeth are brushed, etc and my husband travels for work often so he is not home. When he is home he is usually watching TV, especially sports in the evening. But, my husband thinks the 10 year old should get to stay up later than 8:45. Of course, my son wants to watch TV and argues about bed time, but what child wouldn't. My husband feels he argues because it is just too early for him to go to bed and "all his friends stay up later". I feel getting enough sleep is critical to staying healthy and performing well at school AND he does not wake up easily in the mornings!
What time do other moms have their 10 year olds go to bed? Am I being crazy to argue this point? My husband usually gets home at 6:30, so it is not as if staying up late is the only "bonding" time for them. I'd love your input!
Thank you all for your input about bedtime. I am definately going to sitck with my 8:45 time and he usually does get to read in bed a little after that, so I feel confident now to continue! I did get a little laugh when I saw that many responses were from a teacher's perspective and I also taught in a school! As a teacher AND a mom, we definately know how sleep deprivation effects the kids!! Thanks so much :)
I have a 9 year old daughter that would be a night owl if I let her. My kids need to get up at 7:30AM. They head up to there rooms for quite/reading time about 8PM. Lights are out by 9PM. Sometimes they have conversations from room to room for about 15 miniutes. Since you handle the mornings you would be the best judge of what works.
Hello there, I also am the mom of three (all girls) ages 10, 6, 3.5. We have always had a bedtime of 8:00 for all three which helps because the six year old would question why she wasn't allowed to stay up later. My ten year old does get to read for a couple minutes once she is in bed though. I also feel that sleep is crucial to healthy development. My oldest is a straight A student and has a friend that sometimes isn't in bed until 11:30 or so and she gets C's and D's (Which isn't neccessarily related, but still!) Stick to what you feel is right, Mom's know best!!!
When my stepdaughter was 10 her bedtime was 8:30. At 8:00 we have a period call "quiet time" where no loud music is played, and we unwind from the day. There is no reason for kids to be up later than that at that age. It's important that they learn good sleep habits at a young age, it will help them in school!
We have a 13 yr old that has a 9:30 bedtime, even though her friends often stay up later. When she was about 11 and going to bed by 8:30, we renegotiated her bedtime. She had to go to bed on time, no fuss, for a week, and get up on time, no fuss, for a week. If she made us late (we take her to school), the clock started over. Then we did a trial with the new bedtime half an hour later. If she could function well, she got to keep it. She's worked her way to 9:30 over the past few years but is stuck there because we consistently have to wake her for school. This tells us that she needs the sleep. Since she knows what she has to do, she doesn't complain too much.
This may work for your son and husband. Let your son *earn* a slightly later bedtime. If it doesn't work now, try again in 6 months. If it's just about TV, set the VCR for favorite shows or games so he can watch them in the afternoon.
I also agree that your husband is undermining you and instead the two of you need to work together to ensure that your son is well-rested, ready for school, and productive in class. It may make him popular with his son to advocate for a later bed time, but is it best for the kid? Maybe not.
I believe in kids getting priviliges not just because they are older, but because they prove they can handle them. If they can't handle them, they don't get them. It doesn't matter what Johnny down the street is doing (or what your child thinks he's doing). Your house. Your son. Your rules.
I would say you are very close to the mark on his bedtime. My grandson who is 11 has to be in bed at 9:00pm. He doesn't have to get up as early as your son but he is also a very hard child to get up in the morning.
Regardless of other children his age, you yourself know what he needs, don't go by others. If they don't get their proper sleep and nutrition in the morning it has been proven that they can't function properly. You want his grades to be reasonable as well. If he is watching t.v. a show ends on the half hour so its then bedtime. I'm sure he would be happy with the extra 15min. Good luck!!
Children definitely need sleep for their overall health and brain power, but keep in mind every child is has a different body clock. Some are set a little later than others. I am a Mom of 2 natural night owls. Some people are just not morning people, and even with enough sleep they wake up a little grouchy.
With spring here and the longer days, it's an adjustment. Hard to settle down and go to sleep if the sun just went down.
The crazy thing you will soon find is that as children turn into teenagers, though they physically need more sleep, they are very unlikely to be able to fall asleep at an early hour. When my older son was in high school, he could not fall asleep before 11 or sometimes 12, no matter how exhausted he was. And he was exhausted, had to catch a school bus at 6:25AM!
Many studies show this to be a big problem for teens and yet the school are still starting at the crack of dawn. (Sorry this is a pet peeve of mine, and I don't care about budgets and bus schedules having to do double duty.)
Ditto what's been said with one addition: You have THREE children and you ALONE are doing all the bathing/brushing/reading/settling? What's wrong with this picture? Sure, your husband travels for work, and sure, he wants to relax after work...But you work too, all day, with your kids. He needs to step up and find out what you really do. Give him responsibility for at least one kid every night while you help the other two get ready (and a 10-year-old can get ready on his own!). Preferably he'd handle at least two! It would help your husband spend more time with the kids whom you see all day long but he doesn't. At a minimum he should read to the younger ones whenever possible. I know he probably wants his "down time" in the evenings (my husband does the same, wants to come home and crash in front of the TV) but you alone are bearing 100 percent of the bedtime work after your own long day of work. And importantly for the long term, your husband is missing out on the bonding and closeness he could be developing by spending just a little more time with his kids.
I think that 845 is a good bedtime. I believe that when I was 10, my bedtime was 9. I didn't see a later bedtime until I was like 13. Maybe you could research how much sleep a child of that age needs, according to pediatricians, and adjust your times accordingly. If there is something on that your husband wants to share with your son on the tv, then maybe you could allow it occasionally, as long as your son follows the rules every other night. Good luck and God bless!
I have to say that I agree with most of the ladies...stick to your guins. Your sons mind nad body require that sleep to function at optimum performance...missing sleep is not good. On the weekends it might be nice to stay up ona Friday night and possibly Saturday occasionally if you do not have to get up for church early, but during the week it should be out of the question. Two hours of bonding time might seem a very small amount of time but your husband needs to make the most of it and stop filling the space with television.
I have 3 children (11, 10, 7) and they all go to bed at 8. I can tell you that my 11 year old step son argues with me about it and stays awake all hours of the night but come 6:30 AM he is no charmer. He will not get up and he gets mad and argues with me. I believe, as a teacher, an earlier bedtime is always better for these children. I can tell when they stay up late or when they get enough sleep. Good Luck.
i put my son to be at 9p.m everynight even weekends and summer , we have tried the lets let him stay up cause he is getting older (hubbys idea) but my son was cranky and wanted to nap during the day so he could stay up later that night, i think a routine is best for all kids and i feel it makes them happy and healthy for it , but at the same time i have a 6yr who thinks she should be treated the same and bed time should be the same for here..still working on that one but i understand how u feel my husbnad doesnt get home until later and u feel guilty thinking they dont spend time together.. but i think ur doing great and i also tell my husband that i need my down time before bed also..hope this helps..
Everyone has given you great advice, but if you need any extra support, check out "Healthy Sleep habits, happy child". The author cites lots of evidence about how crucial adequate sleep is for our children. Among the findings noted is that children who don't get enough sleep have a higher risk of being obese, in addition to a ton of other issues. Even a loss of 1/2 hour a day adds up! Sounds like you know whats best for your kids. Follow your instincts. Good luck!
I have a 12-year-old son who's bedtime is still 9:30. Like your son, he is very hard to wake up in the morning. He gets very angry because all of his friends get to stay up till 11, but I know how much sleep he needs to function properly. He gets one night a week to stay up late -- usually Mondays because he loves wrestling and it comes on Monday nights. 8:45 seems a little early to me, but the first thing that comes to mind is 9:00. Could you compromise and give him the extra 15 minutes? See how that works for a while.
Hi, I recently heard a discussion of sleep on the news that compared teenagers' need for sleep to newborns'. Both are times of great growth and development - and the release of growth hormones. So don't underestimate the importance of sleep as he gets older. Call your pediatrician's office to gather advice/ammunition about an appropriate number of HOURS to sleep each night and don't focus on the actual time so much.
I know that your message was a snippet of your family life, but I am hoping that your husband really doesn't sound as tuned-out as you implied. And I hope you are satisifed with the division of labor. Is he missing out on a lot of family time? Are the bedtime and morning routines out of balence between the two of you?
Perhaps he will care less about peer pressure from other 10-year-olds (which is pretty silly for a grown man, don't you think?) if he has to do some the work at night and deal with the consequences of a sleep deprived kid the next day. If you are both satisifed with the chores you each have, great. But it seems to me, if you are in charge of bedtime and waking, then YOU are in charge of bedtime and waking. I'd tell him, lovingly, to get involved or butt out.
I also have three children, 14, 12, and 9. My 14 year old goes to bed between 9 & 9:30, my 12 year old between 8:30 & 9, and my 9 year old goes to bed at 8. My mother also set similar bedtimes for me when I was young. It is not unreasonable to set early bedtimes. For children to be successful in school, they need their sleep. I am also a teacher of 11 & 12 year olds and I can't tell you how many of them fall asleep in class because they stay up until all hours of the night. My kids do get picked on but you know what, I'm not raising their friends and I don't have to worry about their welfare!!
Stick to your guns!! You children will appreciate it in the long run!!
Hi There. I think you are doing a great job! Yes, our kids also want to stay up later during the week than we allow. What child wouldn't? Yet, we are responsible for ensuring they get appropriate amounts of sleep. Our eldest daughter, 9 1/2 still goes to sleep at about 8:30pm. She may read for a 1/2 hour in her bed if she wishes. But by 9 she is so ready for sleep. Keep up the great work, you sound like you are a great mom with great ideas on how to raise your children.
I am going to ditto what most of these other moms are saying. I have 4 kids (2 sets of twins ages 11 and 3). In our house all kids go to bed at 9:00.
On Friday and Saturday night, I allow the older two girls to stay up until 9:30 or 10:00 depending on how tired they are or what's on TV.
As for TV during the week... there isn't any. (That was causing additional headaches with being tired, not getting homework done on time, etc.)
My husband doesn't get home until 8:00. However, I myself ALWAYS have a family dinner at 7:00 regardless of my husband. It gives us good quality time together and I can get a read on what's happening in the older girls' lives. The younger two love this time with their sisters (afterall, they've seen my ugly mug all day :D ). I then fill my husband in on all the days events. He feels connected even though he can't always be there.
If your husband wants to spend some quality time with the kids, he can do it over dinner or (like some others have suggested) by reading bedtime stories, bathing, etc.
Another thing we do is spend time together on the weekends. It doesn't have to be expensive. We go on nature walks, go fishing, camp in the back yard, fly kites, throw the ball around, etc. I digress...
Stick to your guns on the bedtime issue. It's more important that your kids get enough rest than it is to sit on the sofa with Dad "vegging out" on sports or whatever.
As the kids age, there will be plenty of opportunity for them to stay up later.
I'm totally with you. A kid that age needs 10 hours of sleep--and if "all his friends" aren't getting the same, that just means they are operating on a sleep deficit. There was a recent article in the Washington Post Health section about this very issue. You should dig that up and show it to your husband the next time he brings this up. My 11 year old goes to bed at 9, and she doesn't get up until 8. So if you're crazy, tell your husband there are moms out there who are even nuttier than you are!--T.
I, too, have three children, and bedtimes have always been somewhat of a struggle to set. My son, who is the middle child, is eleven years old. His bedtime is 9:30pm--during the school week. On weekends, he is allowed to stay up 1/2 hour longer--if we don't have any early morning activities planned. He has an alarm clock in his room and is responsible for getting himself up on time each morning. If I notice that he seems particularly sleepy or has a hard time getting moving, we alter the schedule for a few days. (It is important to note that he gets up around 7:15am--about a half hour later than your son.)
Ironically, all of my children do better with alarm clocks than they did when I woke them for school. My youngest is in the first grade, and has been getting herself up since she started kindergarten. We lay out clothes the evening before, and she gets dressed before coming to breakfast in the morning. It works out very well!
It seems to me that you are right on target with your bedtime. One alternative that I have used successfully--set a quiet time rule. Your son would have to be in his room, completely ready for bed by a certain time. . . . for 15-30 minutes he could read or do some other quiet activity. Another option would be to reward him with a later bedtime once a week in order to watch a special TV show or to spend some extra time with Dad.
My daughter gets up at 6am for school and we have her in bed between 830pm and 845pm each school night. Bed time is personal for each child. My daughter cannot live on any less than 9 hours of sleep. She actually fell asleep in school once when we had her up past 9pm. But my 2 year old can survive on 7 hours all day.
An early bedtime is also nice because it gives you time to unwind and relax. The later you let your cild stay up, the less personal time you have for yourself and your husband. I suggest getting him in his room by 845, and if he wants to sit there and read a book or do something else for a little while, let him. If he turns into a monster because it's not enough sleep then go back to "going to sleep" at 845.
You're right, 8:45 is a good bedtime for a 10 year old. My daughter is 11, & her bedtime is 9:00-9:15. She is the youngest of 3. Her brothers are high school, so naturally, there is no set time for them. Yes, she baulks a few times, but so what? You need some downtime with your husband too.
My son just turned 11 in March. Because you are the one that gets them down and up then you know what is best. I would probably try letting him stay up another 15 minutes and see how it goes. Explain to him that any signs of problems, the extra time can be taken away. My son goes to bed at 9 but doesn't have to get up until 7:45. As a treat on Thursday nights, he is allowed to stay up until 9:30, sometimes. I really don't like the "all his friends do it" comment. I am actually trying to teach my son that is all the more reason to be his own person. So far it is working. Good luck!
Our 5 year old son goes to bed at 8 and our 10 year old son goes to bed at 8:30. The mornings are so much smoother in our house when the kids stick to their schedules! I've also noticed when visiting our 10-year old son's school that he loses focus in the classroom when he is tired. I wonder if your husband wants your son to stay up later to meet your husband's need to spend time with your son. If so, perhaps they can have a special night on the weekend instead of compromising your son's sleep time. Best of luck!
I agree with you by not making decisions on what your friends do. You know your household better than anyone else. So the decisions you make should be based on what you feel is best for your family. As for your 10 year old going to bed early. When my daughter was 10, her regular bedtime was 9. I know that's only 15 more minutes. See how your son adjusts to that as far as waking up in the mornings. If there are no problems,than you can increase it to 9:30. As long as he is getting at least 8 hours of sleep, there should not be any problems with feeling tired and sluggish during the day. Of course if there are, then you re-adjust the schedule accordingly. Also you didn't say if this was his schedule for the weekends as well. On the weekends I would allow my daughter to stay up later. Because she was so use to going to bed at 9, there were times on the week ends that she would fall asleep a little after 9. I am sure you will find an appropiate time that works out for you and your son. Be Blessed!!!
You are right on when he should go to bed. My 10 year old daughter goes to bed at 8:30 to 8:45pm during the school week. We allow her to stay up until about 10 on the weekend.....sometimes even later with a sleepover.....yet then she sleeps in a little later.
there is a criteria on how much sleep each age should get a day but each child is also different. some children are morning people and will get up with the sun no matter what time they went to bed and be happy all day til bed time again. others are very hard to get up and need time in the morning to become fully awake before they are ready to face the day. my daughters and i are that type. my oldest who is 8 goes to bed at 9 and gets up at 6. if she has a nap that day i will let her go to bed an hour later. one thing you could do is slowly let her stay up at night 10 minutes at a time and see how she is the next morning. then you will know how much sleep "she" needs. sense your son is already hard to wake in the morning you might want to get him to bed sooner and wake him sooer so he can fully wake up before having to head off to school.
Hi A., I am the mother of 5, grandmother of 2. My kids always had a bedtime of 8 pm, even in the summer. I found that when they had at least 10 - 12 hours rest they worked better in school and had a lot better attitude in the morning when waking up. Explain to you husband that his arguing with you on this is doing more harm than good, because you son is seeing that if you tell him something then he can go to dad and get a reversal, which then undermines your authority with him. You son needs his rest, kids do a lot in a day. My kids get up 10 mins. before you son does, so he needs all the rest he can get. Ask you husband how does he feel when he doesn't get enough rest?? Its the same for you son...8:45 pm is more than reasonable. Stick to your guns. You know your son and probably have seen what happens when he doesn't get enough rest.
My 11 year old daughter still goes to bed at 8, 8:15 at the latest on school nights. We will shift this later in the summer and when we start homeschool in the fall, but still no later than 8:30. Present it to your husband as he needs more sleep, and you and your husband need more grown-up time together. Good Luck and God bless
I have 4 kids, 2 13 year old, and 12 year old and a 10 year old. All of my kids are in bed by 9:30. This being said, my 10 year old goes to bed at 8:30. If he doesn't then he is very moody the next day, everything seems to make him cry or the other kids are picking on him. What I would do is if your husband want to allow him to stay up later, then he should have to deal with bed time and then getting him ready in the morning. Tell him we will give it a shot only if he agrees to be responsible for getting him to bed at what ever time he feels is a good time for a 10 year old. That will give you a break. And then in the morning when your 10 year old doesn't want to get up and be ready he(your husband) will have to be sure that he is to school on time. If he doesn't agree to those terms then bed time stays the same as long as your the one resposible. End of story. "I love ya babe. but I'm the one who has to deal with them not you!" He will see that your way is better, and that the kids benifit from the way things are done now.
Our 10 y.o. daughter goes to bed between 8:30 and 9. We need to leave for school at 7:30 and she is up at 6:45, just like your son. I AM finding lately, however, that she's having a hard time falling asleep that early. She'll read in her bedroom/bed until 9:30 or 10 sometimes. Sometimes she's worried that she'll have trouble falling asleep (she doesn't like to be awake when everyone else is asleep). I don't know if she's just approaching those weird tween/teen years where their timeclock is changing or what. I say stick to your schedule with putting him to bed at his normal 8:45 and change it if HIS body is telling you to, not your darling husbands mind!
My 12 yr old son has a bedtime of 9pm. At 10, it can be a control thing too. What about a lamp by his bed that he controls. Growing up, we always had a 9pm bedtime. That meant to your bedroom by 9pm. Mom always gave us time to wind down and read or listen to music before going to sleep. I have never needed as much sleep as my sister did.
I know you've often heard the saying..."pick and choose your battles..." In this case, when you really stop and look at it, is 15-45 minutes a day worth fussing over?
If you tell him that you and Dad have discussed this and you agree to TRY a 9pm betime with say a 30 minute wind down time where he can read, write in a journal (that is always private) or listen to music quietly. But no if's, and's or but's ...lights out time will be 9:30pm. He will feel like you gave him the world!!! If it doesn't work, go back to 8:45pm and let him know this is what will happen if he doesn't get up on time and do a good job in school. And if it doesn't work, then make sure you go back for awhile then try again. He is in training. Remember, our job as parents is to teach them how to do it for themselves.
Sounds to me like you are a GREAT mom and I want to encourage you to keep up the good work! It's hard, I know, but it is so worth it! Step back and watch your little man grow! Take Care, N. =) SAHM of 3 boys 12, 7 & 2 yrs old!
My stepdaughter was going to be between 8:30 & 9:00 until she was 14. At 10 I feel you son is probably old enough to understand consequences of his actions. Discuss with him (& your husband) how frustrating it is to get an overtired child up for school. Consider a one week test. Extend bed time to 9:00 & if there are no issues getting up for school, then agree on this time for a period of time, with the possibility of moving it 15 more minutes if this time have no issues. However, if there are any issues getting up in the morning, then bed time is moving back to 8:45. My daughter had issues going to bed early, mainly if there was something on tv that was on past her bedtime, so I would also have to agree to tape some things for her. We also make it clear that stalling to make bed later would not be tolerated. If she was late for bed one night, then she would be in bed early by the same amount of time the next night. I understand your husband's schedule. My husband worked nights so bed time and mnornings were up to me as well.
I hope bread-winners everywhere will forgive me, but stay at home parents are the best just of what the kids need. 8:45 is not unreasonable for a 10 year old to be in bed, especially on school nights. Get back-up from your pediatrician if you need it, but there have been studies done about the affect of sleep on kids being able to learn in school. Proper sleep is a major factor.
I also hear, as I'm sure you have, that TV and video games are not a good way to relax before bed. Tell him if he wants to stay up past 8:45, he still needs to be in bed, but he can read a book. Relaxing and educational (even if he reads fiction, as you must allow at that time, he'll still pick up spelling, punctuation, grammar and vocabulary without even trying! Bonus!)
Stick your guns! I plan to raise my daughter by what I think is best, too, and not "what everybody else get to do".
At these ages, with social, school, and family activities, bedtimes gradually become later and later, with most 12-years-olds going to bed at about 9 p.m. There is still a wide range of bedtimes, from 7:30 - 10 p.m., as well as total sleep times, from 9 - 12 hours, although the average is only 9 ½ hours.
Sleep needs do not decrease and remain vitally important to your child's health, development, and well-being. Without the proper amount of sleep, your child will become increasingly sleepy during the day. Those children with a history of sleep problems see them persist. They do not "outgrow them."
In his bookHealthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, Marc Weissbluth, MD, sums up what you may find in children who routinely do not get the sleep they need, with a bit of a Catch 22: "School achievement difficulties were found more often among poor sleepers compared to good sleepers.... Young children who have difficulty sleeping become older children with more academic problems. But children who are academically successful risk not getting the sleep they need!"
Ok well i'm 11 and i want to say i stay up till 10:30 BUT i don't wake up till 7:30 but since your son wakes up so early i think you are definetly right also what about weekends i go to sleep then at about 12:00 (except on friday i go to sleep then at 9:30 ) and wake up about 9:00 thnx hope this helps and i just turnded 11 a month or two so ths CAN help also is it a girl or guy that can be the difference only SOMETIMES thnx goodlock
ok my son is 8 yrs old and he gets up early too, so he goes to bed at 730/800-now daughter is 10 yrs old and she also goes to bed at the same time because she is hyperactive and has adhd - it takes her forever to go to bed so she goes to bed at the same time. ok well hope this helps-
a mother from another mom
When my 11 year old was 8 he had a bed time of 9:00. His teacher requested that he get more sleep so we set his bed time at 8:00. He was sleep within 10 minutes of hitting the pillow and he got up so much easier in the morning. He kept that bed time until he began middle school this school year. Each time we tried to let him stay up later, he would not function well.
Finally this school year (he was almost 11) he could stay up until 9:00 and still function well. My other two children still go to bed at 8:00.
My 12 year old daughter has to get up at 6 in order to be at the bus stop by 7.I make her go to bed at 8:30.She too argues that it's too early.But they do need a good nights sleep.She and I came to an agreement that if she didnt argue to stay up later on school nights,she would be allowed to stay up later on non school nights.And when she does argue I make her go to bed at 8:30 on non school nights.It's working because she doesn't argue to stay up any more.
IF this helps, my 13 year old goes to bed between 9:00 and 9:15, depending on the day and the activities. My 9 almost 10 year old and my 5 year old have a bedtime of 8:30 to 9:00pm, again dependent on activities. I agree with you that sleep is critical for kids in order for them to have a good day in school. Maybe try an 8:45 bedtime with 15 minutes for silent reading in bed (with actual lights out at 9:00 pm). That often works for me when the kids are arguing the bedtime. I have also told my kids that when they begin getting out of bed on their own in the morning, then they can have a later bedtime (just a little bit later). I hope that this helps. Good luck!! Another answer, get a DVR and tape the game, then your son and husband can watch it the next evening after dinner or something like that. THat would take away the T.V. excuse.
I put my 4th grader to bed around 8/8:30. We start with brushing teeth, reading to him, etc at 8, and it's between 8:30/8;45 by the time I turn out the light. He doesn't always fall asleep right away, but is almost always asleep by 9:30. But if I let him stay up later, it still takes up to 45 min to fall asleep. He gets up at 7am.
For me, it's more about keeping your body in routine and getting a good nights sleep and/or rest.
I have an 11 year old boy and his bedtime during the week is between 9 & 9:30. On the weekends, it is usually between 10 & 11 (depending on what we as a family are doing). He has to wake up for school at about 6:45, too, and I find that he gets up just fine and is well rested. How does your son act in the morning? All kids are different and I do not think that a "One bedtime fits all" mindset is necessarily the way to go. Maybe you could try to see how your son does if you let him stay up a little later, maybe start by extending his bedtime by 15 minutes to 9pm, then maybe as a special treat sometimes, let him stay up until 9:30. I think there should be room for flexibility, although, it is important for this age to get their rest. To me, 8:45 seems a little early (especially since it is baerely dark out this time of year). You really have to do what is best for you and your family, though. Good luck!