Becoming a Stay at Home Mom

Updated on September 25, 2009
A.H. asks from Eastchester, NY
12 answers

My husband and I have decided it is time for me to leave my job and become a SAHM. I would love to work part time for my current employer, but it is not offered. I have been at my job for almost 10 years. I am liked and well respected there, and they were shocked and sad to hear of my decision to leave. I want to stay home and give the attention to my kids that I have felt guilty about not giving to them all of these years. On the other hand I feel very sad about leaving my job. I get upset when I see my position advertised. Now they want me to help interview my replacement. This was a hard decision for me, and I really don't want to be involved in who is going to replace me. Am I crazy for being so confused? I know this was my choice, but it is still hard to let go.

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So What Happened?

Thanks for all of your good advice and encouraging words. I was not expecting such a response, but I am greatful that you all took the time to write something. I feel much better about my situation. I know that staying home with my kids is the right move, and I just have to let go. I am going to try to focus more on what I am gaining than what I am losing. Thanks again!

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answers from Albany on


I was the same way. When we decided for me to become a stay at home mom, I was making as much as my husband so I knew it was going to be stressful on me especially. I felt like I was giving up a part of who I was. Like you though, I didn't want to miss anything with my children I didn't have to.

I tried a lot of home businesses to try to help with the finances but none of them produced. It was a real sore spot for us.

When we moved to NY though I met a young lady who introduced me to Arbonne as a customer. My sons had eczema very bad to the point my middle son's face would bleed. I was so afraid he was going to scar! The products were wonderful!!

As time went on, I was still struggling with being a SAHM especially now that I lived in an area where I had no family support. I became depressed and my doctor suggested I find something that helped me with both - bringing in some finances and helping me find ME again. Arbonne has done that for me.

Every month I am bringing money in and my business is growing. Even more importantly, I am growing as a person. I am more "together" and I know I am where I am supposed to be. In addition, I still get to be there for my of which is telling me right now he wants my attention. LOL

If you want to talk, let me know. You will be fine. Just don't lose YOU. :)


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answers from Syracuse on

I would think it impossible not to feel these conflicting are your own person and giving up something you are good at and enjoy is like loosing part of your identity. We all have a tendency to define ourselves by what we do in our daily lives...I can't count the number of times I've heard oh your only a mom...or that's all you do is stay home...for being such an important job it really doesn't get a lot of respect...I've done it both ways and I see the benefits to both...I think you need to allow yourself this grieving time and not feel guilty about it, and remember what you are gaining. The kids are only little once and for a short time, so if you choose you can always go back to work in the future. I would if I were you start looking for mom groups(play groups, pta, hobby groups, church groups)to get you and your kids involved in, don't go overboard but if you join up with friends or a group and you have things to work on or look forward too it will help with the transition. Just remember you are wonderful for who you are, not just what you "do". I would help fill your space at work...they're not replacing you, just your job...and if you ever do want to return your employer will remember this/or you can put it on your resume...I think how you are feeling is normal, just try to focus on what you are gaining instead of what you are loosing. Best of luck! C.



answers from New York on

Did you as them out right if ther was a way you could go part time or work from home?

As for the interviewing process, I think its more along the lines of making sure the candidate can perform the tasks,

and lastly think of friend who can do the job and refer them for it.

Let it go, staying home was the best decision I made and I love it.

trust me so will you.




answers from New York on

Hi A.
I can appreciate where you are coming from, as in my situation, it was my husband who left his job to stay at home with our daughter and it was very difficult for him (probably as much if not more because of the whole gender-role thing)... Keep in mind this is a temporary situation... there will be a time when your kids will be THRILLED to see you go off to work every day! But at this point, they will really benefit by this sacrifice. With regard to work, talking to someone there might help... not to say you should tell your boss that you dont want to train the person, but if you have a friend who works there, just talking in confidence might help. Keeping in touch would be a great thing to do, since when the time comes for you to go back to work, they might just have an opening.
I would also say, though, that you should try to be as sure as you can that this is REALLY what you want to do. A little bit of conflict is fine, but if it's really taking its toll on you, you might want to reconsider. My mother stayed at home with my brother and sister, and was pretty miserable doing so. She always said I gave her her life back, because after she had me, she had to go back to work for financial reasons of supporting three kids. You dont necessarily want to do that either.
Take care



answers from New York on

I certainly know where you are at in your life. My story began
in 2005 when my dad passed away. I all of a sudden had no help, no comfortable, familiar resources I could count on. I knew then I had to leave my job. I knew but refused to accept that. I was determined to make it work, I mean other people do it all the time right. Nanny, day care and 2 working parents. didn't work out that way. I was let go from my job due to a merger and downsizing 2 years after that
in 2007. A job I had for 17 1/2 years. A job I did well and was respected for. A., I didn't know what I was going to do with myself. I worked long hours and was good at my job. I went from an execuitive position and suits and heels to jeans and t-shirts and sneakers or flip flops. I had prolonged the inevitable for selfish reasons and I think God was being kind in showing me the door with this. I guess I wasn't responding and short of hitting me with a brick, God had to show me a bigger sign. I was happy at work, proud, making money and didn't want to give that up. Yet, deep down inside I knew I was holding on to something I could no longer do. My kids were at home, by themselves, no supervision other than the oldest child which was 17. I'd get home, nothing was done, no h.w. no baths etc....point here is I needed to be home. There is no one like a mother when things need to get done. I had a nanny for a while but then all my money was going to the nanny and in a fateful turn of events, she moved to another state anyway. I reluctantly gave up my job and when all was said and done, I came home to children I did not know. The attitudes, the tempers, the laziness......and I realized I hadn't raised my children. My mom and dad raised the two oldest, my dad and nanny raised the youngest. And as grandparents of course, they spoiled my kids completely. I came to know that you cannot have the best of both worlds as a woman. Yes, you can work, but you cannot know your children as well as you'd like to. Or yes you can be a full time mom and have a direct bond with your children but have no career. It is a true blessing if you are lucky enough to find that balance. This was such a harsh and brutal reality check for me though. In the past year, I have had to slow down, relax and remember that I am no longer part of a stress filled , corporate world that I could walk away from at any time for the next big paycheck that could be offered to me. I was now in the real world. The world that looks to me for decisions and rules and limits and snacks at 3:30 and dinner at 7. This world I could not run from, they needed me. Especially my littlest one. She was 9 going on 10 at the time and this is such an impressionable age....the molding years. It is indeed VERY hard to let go A., especially when you work as many years as we did, but you know what, after you've been home for a while and you see that your home is in order and your childrens needs are being addresses by you the way you would like them to be and everyone is having breakfast properly, the house is clean, laundry is done. And you aren't rushing out of work early feeling guilty to get home in time to shuffle the kids around to their activities(if they have activities due to you not being available), address h.w., make dinner, bathe them and then be exhausted. It will take a while, but you will adjust, I promise. I get cranky now and again, because I feel I don't contribute to the human race and I give myself a pity party.....but when I see my little one's face at 3:00 when I pick her up and we have an ice cream cone together on the way home and dinner is on the table for my older kids when they get home and I'm there for help on h.w. or studying and reminding them to organize themselves....guess what, I am contributing to the human race.
You'll get through it and above all remember at the ages of your children, they need their mom more than anybody and there's nothing more that will give you peace within than knowing your family is taken care of properly. Keep your chin up and let go. Remember.....God does things for a reason, I firmly believe that!! Oh Boy do I believe that!!
By the way....on you interviewing your replacement, do it with an open heart, just look at it as passing the torch because you have bigger and better things to look forward to....your children. Good luck!



answers from New York on

I'm sure that deciding to quit your job was very well thought out and planned. It's always difficult and emotional to start a new chapter in your life. There is nothing unusual about the feelings you're experiencing.

Although, you don't want to help choose your replacement, your employer is relying on your experience and expertise. I would recommend you participate. You never know what the future will hold.

Good luck.



answers from Phoenix on

I know how hard it feels especially if you love your job. 10 Years is indeed a long time to be at the job.

However, when you do have those moments of getting upset, you have to remember that this decision is something that you and your husband made so in as much as it is pretty humbling to interview and train your replacement, you do have to do this for your company. I'm sure if it were up to your bosses, they would not want you to go but now they are forced to have to get your replacement. Although it's hard to interview, consider it as a compliment. That simply means they trust your judgement on who you think would be best to replace you.

I am in a similar predicament (somewhat). I really would love to be with my son (he's 6 months old) so I've decided to start doing a part time job from home as a travel agent so that in a few months time, I can go ahead and quit my job.

Good Luck to you!



answers from Binghamton on


I know how you feel. I transitioned from working full time to staying home when my 2nd child was 12 months. Although I was thrilled to be home, it was the loss of a career. You have put a lot of time and effort I'm sure into your job. I think it is a great opportunity to get to help hire your replacement. If you love your job, you'll probably be glad you helped them find another good person for it. It is a loss, but you are gaining so much more than you are losing, which you obviously know.

We went through a period of financial stress after I left my job, and I finally found a home based business that I can do around my kids' schedules, yet earn a real income. So I have the best of both worlds now. A business of my own, and I don't miss anything with my kids. You'll find that balance and happiness too! Give it time.




answers from New York on

That is a tough position you are in. I would help them pick your replacement, this way things go smoothly and you leave the door open to go back in the future.



answers from New York on

I went through something similar. Some of the questions you might want to ask yourself are how many hours are you working? Does it feel like alot? You made the decision together.. what brought it about.? Remind yourself of some of these things... if you still feel uneasy..? is there someway to ask for a leave of absence instead of termination? Your youngest child is 1 which would be my motivating factor to make that type of decision..If they really value you as an employee then at least you will have the security of going back after 3 months..



answers from New York on

I am also a SAHM. I have three children, 15,9 and 4. It got to the point where I felt like there had to be more to life than going to Target and cleaning toilets. Then I Arbonne came into my life. Arbonne is a home based health and wellness company. Have you ever thought of maybe starting your own home based business? It allows you to be that SAHM and not miss anything that you don't want to. You can be home when your kids are sick and not miss any event! It also allows you to still be you. Arbonne has a are in business for yourself but not by yourself. There is a huge support group and once you become a consultant you will be part of a team. A team who will be there to cheer you on every step of the way and help you when you are down. Alot of us decided on Arbonne so we could spend more time with our kids. You do not have to do "parties". All you really need to do is talk about Arbonne and what it has to offer. Check out my website.



answers from Binghamton on

I know exactly how you feel. I recently quit my job of over 10 years. Like you, my employer was sad about my decision to leave. They weren't terribly surprised because I had been having a difficult time since returning to work in February after the birth of my twin boys. I also felt very sad when I found out they replaced me so quickly- and replaced me a week before I was expecting to leave. I cried my eyes out on my last day. But once I was home for a day or two, I forgot all about them. I now know I made the absolute and right decision. I never thought I could stay at home with my kids, but it's actually been bet than I could have imagined.
I did find a great company to work's called BabyCrazy. It's a direct sales company, no quotas or anything like that.It's nice to get out of the house and meet other moms. So, that helps me feel connected to the outside world. I have small kids, so the products are easy to relate to.If you're interested, check out the website Even if that doesn't appeal to you, I say find a way to stay connected..make it a point to get out once a week without the kids..something that's for you.
Good luck- you won't regret your decision!

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