Baby Will Not Go to Sleep!!!

Updated on October 21, 2006
K.A. asks from Manchester, NH
18 answers

Hello everyone. I have an almost eight month old son. He used to be so good about going to bed. He will get really really tired, eyes drooping, thumb sucking, putting his head on my chest, but if I put him in his crib, he screams until I come get him. They only way he will go to sleep is if I lie down on my bed with him and cuddle him up. Now I know this isn't a bad thing, but I don't want him getting in the habit of it, and when he is older, not be able to go to sleep unless he is in our bed. I try giving him a bottle, he drinks most or all of it before he falls asleep, but the second I get up to put him in bed, he is awake again. Help!

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So What Happened?

Hey everyone. Update time. I recently lost my job, so sleep is not as necessary as it used to be, but it would still be nice! He is getting a little better, but still can't calm himself down. He will scream for as long as he has to. I let him go for an hour a few nights ago and that was all I could stand. I held him on my chest and let him calm down, he finally fell asleep half an hour later. Getting him to sleep doesn't seem to be the problem so much anymore, it's getting him to stay asleep. As soon as I move, he is awake again. Or if the cat meow's his eyes pop right open. Hopefully it's just a phase he will grow out of. If he takes a nap during the day, he will not sleep at night, doesn't matter how early the nap is. If there is even the smallest bit of sleep, he is up until one in the morning. So I am going to try tiring him out at night before bedtime, who knows. Thank you all for your continued support. I have been extremely sick for the past few months, and it's hard to deal with him myself sometimes.

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T.K.

answers from Boston on

Hello My Son is 10 Months old and we just put him in his own bedroom...And Before that i would let him go to sleep onmy bed as i could not stand to hear my Baby Boy cry...lol Bad choice on my part cause the move to his own room was so bad i had to let him cry him self to sleep for 45 mins the first Day was so bad each nap then bed time was like a 45 mins battle i would go in whipe his face and nose give him his Bink and tell him Mommy loved him....and that was the hole 45 mns i would go in every 10 to 15 Mins know just two weeks later he will only cry some times and only for a very short time 5 mins if that then he goes to bed but Trust me i cryed and cryed the first few Day i felt like a bad Mommy.... Well Good Luck from Mommy2Kenneh

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K.O.

answers from Pittsburgh on

It's such a hard thing breaking a babies habit. I know you don't want to hear your baby crying, but he has you trained!

Take him to his crib crying or not. Put him in the crib tell him that you love him and good night. Put a monitor in the room to monitor his cries. Only you know his cry. If its just the "I want my mommy cry" you have to let him be until he falls asleep.

If he starts having any other cry like I am hurt, hungry need changed, only tend to him then. Otherwise, you will have a baby in your bed for a long time. You better break the habit now while he is young. It doesn't hurt to let him cry. It will probably break your heart, but you will realize the more you cater to him sleeping in your bed the harder it is to break that routine.

I hope this helps you. It may take a few days, but he will get into the habit if you keep it strictly him in his crib. If not it will only make it worse.

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J.G.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi K., have you tried singing to him. Don't worry you don't have to be good at it. I'm a horrible singer but the moment that I start my son, now one year old, stops fussing. He'll sit still with me the whole time I sing and then I lay him down. After singing, I recommend laying him back down in his crib and if he still cries then sing to him again and rub his back. That lets him know that you're there for him but he still needs to sleep in his crib. I know it's hard but don't give into him by having him sleep with you. It will take some time but consistency is the key. Good luck and let me know how it goes.

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D.S.

answers from Burlington on

I don't remember where I got this information but my son had the same problem, when you put him in his crib the first time tell him it is time to go night night and lay him down and cover him up and leave the room, if he is still crying at 5-10 min go back into the room and lay him back down and rub his back just for a min and tell him again it is time to go to bed and that you will be right there when he wakes up in the morning, let another 5-10 min go by and if he is still crying this time go into his room don't touch him just calmly tell him it is time to go to bed and to sleep and you will be there when he wakes up, let another 5-10 min go by and if crying is still going on this time do not go into the room lighty talk through the door and tell him that your still there but he needs to go to sleep. It is a long process but after a week or two he will not even cry when you put him in the crib he will realize it is bed time and go to sleep. He just needs a little help in the begining. I hope this helps, good luck and be strong. don't give in that is the key.

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S.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

Much of this advice is all good, but not without difficulty. As you are now learning, parenting can be painful (to both of you). When a child runs into the street, you will do "whatever" it takes to keep them from doing it for their own protection. If there are goals to be reached, whether personal or for your son to be "taught" life lessons that will only benefit him in the long run, we must do "whatever" it takes. As a mom, I have learned that when my heart is aching for the pain my children are experiencing is is a lesson well learned to them. Sorry to be so "heavy", but as a mom with grown children who are reaping some of the inexperience I had as a young mom, I have learned that parenting is a lifelong job that needs endurance, consistency, limits, boundaries, and someone to be "in charge" It is never good for the child to be in charge.

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S.R.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Have you tried white noise. It sounds like static, but it masks sound & noise. It relaxes you. I used it for my colic baby, now she is 3 years old and still uses it. It even works for thunder storms. She sleeps right through them. Just a thought. I know what it is like to be sleep deprived. Good luck!!

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L.

answers from Providence on

Hi There! Trouble with sleep is no fun. I have 2 boys myself--one is 2 and the other is 8 months. Both the boys are on a good schedule during the day(naps & general) and we do the same routine every night--jammies, bottle/nursing, brush teeth, book, good night--so that they know what to expect. I also take into account how tired the little guys are; if they are very tired, we adjust bed time (15 min. to 1/2 hr.) so they don't get too tired. Tired, hysterical babies do not want to go to sleep...ever. I also recommend that you don't let him fall asleep on you, it is a jolt to their senses to fall asleep and then be put down. Okay, here's the tough part. Both my boys sleep well on their own and for my 2 year old, it was not easy. For my 8 month old, it has been relatively painless. Once you put them into bed, they stay there. If you go in after they've been crying and put them to bed elsewhere, their crying & carrying was for nothing. My suggestion is, have a routine and stick to it...they will cry but, once they get it, bed time will be smooth and painless for everyone. (My 2 year old tested the limit--when he was 6 months old--for about a week and since then it has been smooth sailing.) When I was starting "sleep training", I would put the boys down, they'd cry, I'd go in after 5 min. & calm them down--not saying anything & either rubbing their backs for a min. or picking them up and swaying a bit. Then, I'd put them right back in. If they continued to cry, I would go in after 5 min. and do the same thing. Eventually, they get the picture..."I'm going to bed in the crib, mama is there for me and cares, but, I'm going to bed in the crib." The first couple of times might take a while--up to 45 min.--as he's already gotten the idea that if he crys he'll get to sleep with you. Be strong & compassionate! Good Luck!

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L.G.

answers from Buffalo on

What you can do is put him in his crib, rub his back and stay near him, when he seems sleepy walk away. If he cries, don't go in there immediately. When you do, rub his back for a little while and walk out again. You might be doing this several times until he finally realizes you wont be staying with him. Now is the age where you can train him to learn how to fall asleep on his own. He needs to be able to comfort himself to sleep. Be persistant with him, I have a friend who's 3 year old still sleeps in the same bed with her and her husband, and they are miserable.
I hope this advice helps a little bit.

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J.M.

answers from Buffalo on

Put him in bed and leave him there! Always! My son went through this time and time again. As soon as they know you will eventually come and get them and give them what they want they have a reason to keep on screaming and yelling! Get back on track and let him cry in out...its tough...for you mostly!...but give it 2 days tops and he will give up the fight and figure out how to comfort himself to sleep! As mothers we don't want to let our babies cry!! and for no reason! especially if there is something so simple we can do that is even enjoyable to us! But when it comes to the end of the day and you are ready for adult time its nice to be able to say goodnight and close the door! You have to have your bedtime routine and stick to it always! Ok, so I cheat sometimes weather its there not feeling good, im not feeling good...or just because....but whatever i do, I never do it two days in a row. Because its easier to get an 8 month old to do what you want...its not so easy as they get older! So...I say let them cry. As painful as it is to you. And mark my words 2 days and he will be a whole new great sleeper! As far as the noise goes, i use a radio. loud enough to drown out other noise! my sister started this technique! She watches him for me a lot of the time and she has 4 loud children! She uses it for each of them! When they get used to falling asleep with the noise level louder they will not wake to the slightest noise! Or even the ear piercing shrieks of other children!! It will be less stressful for you when you can get your own things done instead of trying not to so much as breathe so they dont wake up! Good luck!!!!

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C.A.

answers from Syracuse on

Try implementing a bedtime routine with him,they can work wonders.Also I have noticed with my own son that if I wrap him tightly in a blanket and rock him for a bit he will go to sleep and stay asleep for longer periods.The reasons being he is reminded of the security of being ,forlack of better words,cramped and cozy in the womb.Also when he moves around his arms thrashing around will wake him up and by being wrapped it stops that from happening.And dont worry about the crying,it wont hurt him and with a routine he will begin to realize it is time to sleep and fall asleep quicker without the fuss.

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D.L.

answers from Philadelphia on

Pretty much everyone has said the same thing and I will too. I had the same problem with my daughter. As long as his diaper is clean, you will have to let him cry. It is very hard and painful to do, but it will be more hard and painful for you if you allow him to sleep in your bed. Eventually, he will get used to being in the crib.

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N.B.

answers from New York on

Hi K.! I had the same problem with both of my children. When my son was about the same age as yours, I bought a book called The No-Cry Sleep Solution. It takes some time to do this method but it worked for me. If you are a stay at home mom, and this is your only child, then I definitely recommend this book. My son has been sleeping through the night since he was about 10 months old. He's now 18 months. I personally do not like the method of letting them scream and checking on them every 15 minutes until they fall asleep. So, I hope I've helped you some.

N.

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L.B.

answers from Philadelphia on

I know its going to be tough but the best thing you can do for you and your son is to get him out of this habit ASAP. Just be strong and leave him to cry. If you can or need to, stand beside his crib and pat his back and comfort him for a minute or two. It will take a few nights but he will eventually realize that you aren't giving in and he will comfort himself to sleep.

He should be napping in his crib too for consistency and routine if he isn't already.

Good Luck!

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T.K.

answers from Washington DC on

This may sound a little cruel but have you tried just letting him cry it out until he cries himself to sleep. I know it is really hard to do but sometimes that is the only way. Also, have you tried putting music on or some little crib thing that glows and plays music. Perhaps he would fall asleep to that.

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L.P.

answers from New York on

Background noise always helped my 2 boys. I bought this noise maker thing from "One Step Ahead". It looks like a shell and has all kinds of noises on there, but I just set it on white noise and it drowns out everything. It's hard when you live with other people and we've been there...more than once. Background noise for us was always a must!! Hope it helps!

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M.A.

answers from Boston on

Here is an article on Sleeping Through the Night/Middle of the Night Feeding:

Getting Baby to Sleep Through the Night: All babies will fall asleep eventually. Some just need a little more help than others.
By Barbara Solomon

Pulling Baby out of the Crib
Up to the time he was 10 months old, my son David had always been a good sleeper. Then my family moved into a new house, and all of a sudden, all bets were off. He began waking two, sometimes three times a night. I was sure he was just unsettled by the change and would return to his old ways soon. But after we tried every trick in the book only to suffer more sleepless nights, we caved in. One night when he called out, I scooped him up and brought him into our bed. We all slept soundly, and I was feeling pretty good -- until I spoke with a friend later that morning.

"Don't you know that you've opened a can of worms?" she scolded. "Now you'll never get him back into his crib!"

Picturing endless sleepless nights ahead, I panicked, and it's no wonder. Getting a baby to sleep consistently through the night can seem like the ultimate unattainable goal. But after I spent just a few nights leaving my son in his crib when he cried for me and gently encouraging him -- "You're okay, David, just go back to sleep!" -- from the hallway, he quickly resumed his old sleep habits. And experts say that with some patience and effort, most parents will be able to solve their child's sleeping problems, too.

The Impossible Dream
During the first weeks of life, you can't expect a baby to sleep through the night. In fact, there is no typical sleeping pattern for newborns; the only thing you can count on is that they sleep around the clock for varying periods, ranging from a few minutes to a few hours. So why can't they sleep consistently for long periods? Blame it all on biology. An immature brain is the primary reason.

"People have a genetic timing mechanism in their brain that controls sleep, and it takes time for that mechanism to develop," explains Marc Weissbluth, MD, professor of clinical pediatrics at Northwestern University's Feinberg School of Medicine, in Chicago, and author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (Ballantine, 1999). "Think of it like eye color: Babies are born with a genetic predisposition to a certain eye color, but it takes time for that color to be expressed."

A need to feed is another factor. Many experts believe that newborn babies have to eat frequently, particularly breastfed babies: There's no way to tell how much a breastfed baby is eating at each feeding, so breastfeeding mothers may be more likely to fully awaken a stirring baby to feed.

Bottlefed babies, on the other hand, may sleep for longer periods because formula takes longer to digest and leaves baby feeling fuller longer. "But babies who have birth defects and are fed continuously by tube for the first several weeks of life show the same process of sleep maturation as other babies," notes Dr. Weissbluth. He believes that ultimately, "Sleep comes from the brain, not the stomach."

Regardless of studies and experts, until she is at least 6 weeks old, a newborn baby will undoubtedly wake several times during the night. Around the 6-week mark, many babies show subtle signs of organizing their sleep. They may get drowsy at 6 or 7 p.m. and may sleep at night for consecutive blocks of four hours or more.

At about 3 months, most can adhere to a sleep schedule that includes a morning nap, an afternoon nap, and two or more longer blocks of sleep at night. According to a poll of primary caregivers by the National Sleep Foundation (NSF), a nonprofit organization, by 9 months some 70 to 80 percent of babies are sleeping a straight 9 to 12 hours every night.

That's great news -- unless yours is one of the 20 to 30 percent of babies who don't sleep so well. "My son was a horrible sleeper!" recalls Lisa Henahan of Peachtree City, Georgia. "Until he was 15 months, he would sleep for an hour and a half and then wake for an hour -- all night long!"

If your nights sound similar, rest assured, these tips can help parents solve a range of stubborn sleep problems.

Sleep Tight, Baby
To exhausted parents it seems that there are as many sleep issues as there are children. But most babies fall into the following categories:

"My 2-month-old son sleeps all day and is up all night."
A common phenomenon during the early weeks of life, day-night reversals often clear up with a little time and a lot of daylight. Try exposing your baby to bright light or sunshine in the morning hours and keep the lights dim in the evening. It also helps to move your baby to a busy part of the house throughout the day, play with him during the daytime, and wake him for daytime feedings.

Then, keep your interactions with him quiet and subdued at night. As babies approach the age of 6 weeks, they begin to respond more to environmental cues, so it helps to have a bedtime routine such as a bath and a song. It may take several weeks, and a baby this young still probably won't sleep through the night, but he may consolidate his sleep into two large blocks at night.

"My 7-month-old daughter won't sleep through the night. Why?"
From around 6 months on, a baby should be able to make it through the night without a middle-of-the-night feeding and without waking his parents. But that doesn't mean he's sleeping all those hours. The term "sleeping through the night" is misleading, points out Lawrence Balter, PhD, professor of applied psychology at New York University, in New York, and editor of Parenthood in America: An Encyclopedia (ABC-CLIO, 2000). "All people -- including babies -- wake and put themselves back to sleep several times a night without realizing it," he says. "That's something babies need to learn to do."

Some kids learn on their own; others need a little help. There are several ways to teach your baby to soothe himself to sleep. Most of them involve listening to some crying. So how do you stay focused amid the tears? Remember that crying isn't going to harm your baby. And the reward -- a good night's sleep for all -- is worth a few teary nights.

The Ferber Method
"My neighbor has recommended the Ferber method to help my 6-month-old sleep through the night. What is it?"
This method was developed by pediatric sleep expert Richard Ferber, MD, author of Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems (Simon & Schuster, 1986). He advises parents to check periodically on their baby when she awakens at night. Here's a sketch of how it works: On the first night, when you hear your baby cry, you go in, give her a reassuring pat, and then leave. If she's crying 5 minutes later, you repeat the process, but this time you wait 10 minutes before going in, increasing the time in five-minute increments. The second night, you start at 10 minutes. Dr. Ferber's system has worked for many families.

"We're trying the Ferber method for my 7-month-old, but I can't stand the crying. Is there another, less drastic way to sleep-train my baby?"
There are also ways of making gradual changes within the routine you already have, notes Jodi Mindell, PhD, associate director of the Sleep Disorders Center at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and author of Sleeping Through the Night (HarperCollins, 1997). If you've been putting your baby to sleep by rocking her in a chair, for example, start by just sitting in the chair together. "Then choose the next step -- putting your baby in his crib and holding his hand.

"A few days later, you can sit three feet away from your child's bed," Mindell says. Within a few weeks, you should be able to work yourself out of the bedroom.

"We've tried the Ferber method. My 6-month-old becomes enraged every time we go in to soothe him. Any suggestions?"
Some children respond better to a cold-turkey approach. If your baby cries, you don't go in her room (some parents call reassuringly from the hall). This is not for the faint of heart, and, as Balter points out, is better for younger babies. An 8-month-old may be able to sit or stand in her crib, which makes it hard for her to settle down if her calls aren't answered.

More Sleep Issues
"My 9-month-old insists on a 3 a.m. feeding. How can I get her to give it up?"
For many parents, a final obstacle to an uninterrupted night is that middle-of-the-night feeding. If your baby no longer needs to be fed at night (check with your pediatrician to be sure), simply stop giving him the bottle or breast when he calls for it. Alternatively, you can use a sequence of progressive steps, which might include offering him diluted formula or breast milk for a few nights and then gradually replacing it with water. He may not find it as appealing as milk, and, subsequently, won't cry for it.

"My 10-month-old son used to sleep through the night, but lately he's been waking up all the time."
Chances are, there's been some change, however subtle, in your child's routine. Everything from a vacation to an illness to an overnight guest can disrupt a young child's sleep schedule and cause her to awaken and need comforting. Some parents report that developmental milestones, such as learning to walk or use the potty, can also upset sleep patterns.

"When a child takes a developmental leap forward, neurons are firing and there are probably connections being made in the brain," says Mindell. "It's no wonder their sleep is disrupted." Most babies are also keen on practicing their new skills; when they wake in the night, sleep takes second place to getting up on all fours or babbling.

At times like this, you may need to repeat old steps, such as sitting in your baby's room for a few nights and gradually working your way back out. But don't despair; experts say children with established good sleep patterns will return to them pretty quickly.

"How can I get my 8-month-old to go to sleep at the same time every night?"
If your baby isn't sleepy at the same time every night, her daytime sleep routine may need tweaking. "Make sure to wake her at the same time each morning, keep naptimes consistent, and avoid letting baby nap after 4 p.m. A reasonable bedtime for a baby this age is around 7 or 7:30 p.m. If she wakes from a nap at 5:30, she's not going to be sleepy enough to go to bed then," says Mindell.

One strategy to avoid, however, is shortening her naps in the hope that this will make her sleepier at night. The fact is, overtired children have a hard time falling asleep. And evidence shows that babies aren't getting enough sleep as it is. Many experts recommend that infants ages 3 to 11 months get 14 to 15 hours of sleep daily, but according to the NSF poll, most babies get fewer than 13 hours.

Even if you've succeeded in creating a great sleeper, remember that every child occasionally has wakeful periods. When this happens, reassure yourself that you're not going to be sleepless forever. Says Peggy Nona, a Rochester, Minnesota, mother with two school-age girls, "I used to worry about getting them to bed at night; now I worry about getting them out in the morning!"

Barbara Solomon is a mother of three and a writer in Scarsdale, New York.

Originally published in American Baby magazine, July 2004.

In addition to that....

A local parenting coach wrote this:

I know that Dr. Ferber is less strict than he used to be about getting kids to sleep. However, his techniques are still very useful for kids that have actually taught themselves to stay up and/or to demand/expect a parent to be with them until they actually fall asleep. Also watch one of the Nanny TV shows for examples of being firm yet loving with setting limits.

Briefly, the basic idea is that you (1) stop paying any attention to your child after their bedtime--no hugs, kisses, stories and no yelling either. Just make believe they are little critters that you are putting back where they belong. and then, if necessary (2) let them cry themselves to sleep. Also, and actually first, develop a bedtime routine and STICK TO IT! Letting them cry is very hard, and against some people's principles. What we did when my daughter was little (she is now 21) was put her to bed with the musical mobile playing. If she was still crying when the music stopped (less than 5 minutes) we would go in to her. This happened very rarely. I felt that a short period of crying was not a trauma and having her go to sleep on her own was a learned response. It worked and we had very few bedtime hassles.

Good luck,

Marion
Coach and parent
Marion C. Bloch, Psy. D.
____@____.com
www.mayaresources.com

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D.B.

answers from Philadelphia on

Hey K.,
My daughter is 20 months old and used to sleep in her crib every night for about 10-12 hours a night... once summer hit she would not go in her room and the only way she would sleep would be if she was in my bed.. One night I just put her in her crib with her blanket and her baby doll and she is happy. The hard thing was the first night I stuck her in there she cried for about 15 minutes and then fell asleep... the next night it was 10 minutes... and then the next it was like 8 minutes... a week later she don't even cry anymore... you just sometimes have to leave them in there to cry... crying never hurt a baby before... it is hard but it works and then you can get your sleep again!

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S.M.

answers from Boston on

If you read any of the books about sleep, you'll find many different ideas for how to get them to sleep - let them cry, don't let them cry, etc. - but one common theme. You have to teach your baby to fall asleep on his own. He needs to learn to soothe himself, that way when they wake up during the night, they can also put themselves back to sleep.

I did the cry it out w/both of my boys. It really only took one night of crying before they got it. It's a painful 45 minutes (I wouldn't let it go much beyond 1 hour), but the short term pain is worth the long term gain - a child that goes to sleep awake in his bed w/no crying. If you are not comfortable w/the crying, there are a number of different books to try - the hard thing at 8 months is that they now understand that you are in the house somewhere even if you're not in their room. In the 4-6 month timeframe, they don't get this yet, so it's a little easier. You also have to understand they're crying because they are mad, not hurt or in need of something. I always repsond to my kids when they cry to see if they're wet or hurt, but then if not, leave the room again. I also try to soothe them in their bed instead of picking them up out of it.

Hope this helps - there are some good books, but do be prepared for some crying no matter what method you use.

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