Baby Shower for Adoptive Parents - with a Twist

1. After they have the baby would be best.
2. Don't invite the birth mom. I would imagine that it would be too sad and uncomfortable for her to attend. The adoptive mother has reason to celebrate. The birth mother may not be in a celebratory mood for obvious reasons.

After. After the window. If they've already been disappointed twice, :-( , then they probably already have the main items of a crib and carseat.

Having it before, and inviting the birth mother might make the situation harder for her. It could plant the 'these could be for me, mentality'. If it is after, I wouldn't invite the birth mother as it could trigger sad feelings.

While having a baby shower after won't get them the things they will need right away, they will always need diapers, wipes, bigger clothes.

I am an mom of an adopted child, I had a shower before and after my son arrived. Although I was grateful to my friends for doing this I was very uneasy with the shower before we got my son. I did not unpack one thing until he arrived and left the door shut with all the gifts. I did not want to face the disappointment if anything fell through.

Since you said that two previous adoptions did not go through I would think it would be very painful for your friends.

The shower after my son arrived was a joyful and it was about 3 weeks after.

Our adoption was international so inviting the birth mother was not an option. However, I would strongly say no. The biggest joy for your friends is the biggest loss for the birth mother. There is not a day I feel for my son's loss as well as thinking of the biggest gift another person can give to another is life. The birth mother has already given your friends their gift, it would be painful for her to be there. Tell your husband his heart was in the right place.

My husband & I adopted our (awesome) daughter in 2007. We were scammed and disappointed several times before we were blessed with our baby girl. Our baby shower was planned for after our daughter was born; however, we completed our baby registry before her birth. No way did I want a shower before we came back from Seattle with her! You just don't know if things are going to work out. We were able to buy the essentials for her before she was released from the hospital, and as soon as we returned home with our daughter, the gifts started arriving at our house - without the shower! As for inviting the birthmother....Thumbs down from me, but I don't know how 'open' your friend's adoption situation is. That just may be an uncomfortable situation if everyone is not on board with the idea. Good luck with your plans, and good luck to your friends! Adoption is wonderful!

FYI--The birth mother and father have a lot more time then 72 hours to change their mind.

If they have been through this before don't they already have the essentials?

Question 1. After -- in fact I would suggest waiting until the birth mother does not have the choice of changing her mind.

Question 2. No, why prolong the pain of the birth mother and the possibility of having her change her mind and hurt your friends again?

Blessings....

Hey,
you've got a lot of great asnwers.
!. HAve it after! Especially with them having been disappointed before etc. You and the other girl may have them register and wait until the baby is born and papers are signed etc. Someone mentioned the carseat and havign things beforehand, you just need essentials... But definately have a "meet the baby" shower afterwards! :)
2. NO. NO and again I say NO. DO NOT invite the birthmom. Seriously? NO.
I am a birthmom, my birthdaughter was born 10 years agi and it is and was an open adoption. I chose her parents and yadda, yadda, yadda. But this is a huge sacrifice the birthmom is making! Can you even begin to imagine how hard that would be? Oh let me sit here and watch the happy couple open up presents for MY baby essesntially evcen though this is THE hardest decision I've ever had to make in life, a baby I can't raise on my own. Um no. It was a "nice" thought from your hubby but its awkwards times a millione. And as a birthmom you're grieng. You have just lost a precious little baby you've been connecting with for 9 months plus you're still emotional from hormones and all that stuff. So I would definately say no to invitingbirthmom no matter how "open" the adoption is.
Have a great party/time whenever the showe ir.
Pammy

Geez, this IS hard.
If I were in your position I would actually ask the adoptive parents when they would prefer (before or after). I am sure they will realize why of course you are asking, and I don't think any offense would be taken.
That way, no matter the decision, you know you're in the clear.
Should the adoption fall through they could always keep the gifts and you could bypass a shower next time & just do a congratulatory get together instead.

As far as inviting the birth mother - NO NO NO.
This will simply make her realize the "glamourous" part of having a baby and could influence her negatively.
(Just think of how many teenagers are having babies because it looks so fun on MTV's Teen Mom!)

Good luck!

1. After, for the reason you stated... though a few friends can still get together before hand and give the big essential gifts.

2. Hmmm... is it a VERY open adoption? If so, maybe invite the birth mother... but I really think it would be too difficult for her... really I would say no, do not invite her... as she will just see lots of W. celebrating her loss and seeing all of the games and gifts that otherwise would have been going to her... and seeing her little baby being cooed and passed around the room by these ladies.... no. If not an open adoption, then definitely not invite her.

After the baby is born! Make sure that 72 hour window has passed and the birth mother has signed her parental termination papers because it will be a painful situation to have a party only to find out at the last minute that the birth mother sees her precious child and changes her mind, keeping the baby.

I wouldn't invite the birth mother unless you think she is totally down with it and absolutely can handle it. Remember, it would be a party for the adoptive parents - the ones who didn't carry the baby for 9 months, the ones who didn't agonize over whether placing their baby was the right decision or not, the ones who will be showered with all the gifts and affection. It might be very difficult for the birth mother seeing the adoptive mother get all this attention heaped on her while the birth mother gets "You've made this couple so happy!"

Consult with the adoptive parents and see what they think about the timing of the shower. I totally get what you're saying about having everything ready for when the baby comes home. If they can handle it emotionally, then definitely honor their request.

Above all, I think you and your friend are simply AWESOME for wanting to host a shower for the adoptive parents. Thumbs up to both of you!

After giving it some thought I would say:
1. After
2. No. This adoptive mom is, I'm sure, very, very grateful and accommodating to the birth mother and no matter how "open" the adoption is, I think this new MOM deserves a little "me" time and focus at the center of attention!

1. after
2. no (for all the reasons the others mentioned)

#1 - If I were the New Mommy I would appreciate the necessary items ahead of time such as the carseat, bassinet, outfit for baby to come home in, onesies, bath set, etc. However the stroller and the majority of the clothing and such could be done at a shower AFTER baby arrives. I have had several miscarriages and the heartbreak is overwhelming. I can NOT imagine the heartbreak your gf has had to endure with two other birth moms changing their minds at the last minute. To have to return all of those gifts is just rubbing salt in an open wound.

#2 - I don't think I would ask your gf about inviting birth mom. It will put her on the spot to seem ungrateful should she say no. This should be a time just for her to enjoy as a new Mommy. (Although I will commend you both for being so considerate as to want to include the birth mom. I think it's best to let your friend have her moment in the sun.)

I think that inviting the birth mother is an excellent way to honor the fact that she is putting her unborn child's needs ahead of her own, she is making a HUGE sacrifice in her life, and that she is a strong and wonderful W. to do this. Whether or not she accepts is up to her, but you have acknowledged her importance in this whole process! We all need to remember that our friends and family who adopt would not have the opportunity to become parents without a selfless birth mom. Understanding this can nearly eliminate uncomfortable feelings.

my mother was adopted. a baby shower before the baby is born and inviting the birth mother is, i think, the right thing to do, i feel like, one of the main reasons why birth mothers change their minds is because they feel like they are not part of the process, their uterus is, and i would think, that if you involve/invite her, then her sacrifice (ie.. labor, delivery, giving up her baby), is being reconized ( cant spell, not enough coffee). gotta go, baby waking up
K. h.

I would do it after and instead of a baby shower, make it a Meet The Baby Shower or something. Yes, that means that the new parents are going to have to buy a car seat, but I'm betting they aren't going to think that's such a big deal. I would wait to plan the whole thing until they have the baby home and all the papers are filed. I've heard lots of stories of the birth mother changing her mind after she sees her baby. So, just hold off a bit to make sure everything is in place before you plan.

Do NOT invite the birth mother. That's going to be all sorts of awkward for everyone. Just because it's been an open adoption process thus far, doesn't mean that it's going to always be that way. I would imagine it's going to be difficult enough for the birth mother, no need to add to it. Plus can you imagine the questions?

After the baby is born, a shower would be nice. Will this be an open adoption? Speaking from my own experiences, NO, the birthmother should not attend the shower. This is a very, very difficult decision she had to make. She will have the right to change her mind, and going to a baby shower is going to push her over the edge. She will need all the support she can get, and seeing everyone "happy" will make her miserable. She is going through enough turmoil in her life, not to mention hormones’.

I agree with your comment of having it after b/c it can always fall through. You can make it more than a shower, less formal, you can have a cookout/party and give it a name welcoming the baby. After my daughter was born we had a Sip-n-See so friends could drop in and have brunch food and drinks and also meet my little girl. This would be a good way for friends and family to meet the new little one. You can spread the word verbally that you are collecting cash or gift cards, you can make a money or gift card tree to surprise the couple with and they can buy the items that they need. Or, you can ask the friends that are closest to them to go in on a few big gifts. A shower before would be nice, and more traditional, but it would be very upsetting to everyone involved if the adoption did fall through. Hope it turns out perfect whatever you decide!

Why don't you have a baby shower before the baby comes and make it clear that the gifts should be gender neutral and geared towards prepping the parents - as you said, car seat, stroller, etc. That way, if the birth mother backs out, they will be able to keep those items for whatever baby they eventually adopt. Then maybe you can have another "Welcome Baby" or "Gotcha Day" party later after the baby has been adopted and life has settled down some for them. Then everyone can meet the LO and bring specific boy/girl gifts, age appropriate toys, etc. If you are going to do a co-ed shower, have the guys do a "diaper party" where guys bring 1 pack of diapers as their gift. I have done this in the past and had a special place (garage) for the guys to hang out with tables, cards, beer, etc. They joined us for the food portion of the party but then retreated to their man cave as we ooohhhed and aahhhhed over cutesy baby stuff. They really enjoyed being set free, guilt free!

I would not invite the birth mother. While the parents have been supportive of her, this is still going to be a difficult time of transition for them all. Inviting a mother to celebrate the baby she is not going to get to raise - sorry, I don't think it's a good idea.

You should hold it after. My friend had a shower a few months after her son was born so people who don't live in town would be able to see the baby. This way everyone will get to see the baby that they bought presents for. It is also fun to see little newborns.

I would say after because of the very reason you stated. the birth mother can change her mind. I would not invite the birthmother this shower is for the baby and new parents. the parents could invite the adoptive mother to the birthday party later.