Baby Shower for a Minor

Updated on October 02, 2008
C.D. asks from Indianapolis, IN
69 answers

I have a request to do a baby shower for a 14 year old. I'm not to quick on this idea I don't want to come off as the mother that I am, but what does a 14 year old need with a baby shower. This is a happy occasion as well as I don't want to glorify the situation, so I'm not sure how I should feel about giving a baby shower for a 14 year old. I'm a mother of a 13 year old and that hits close to home to me, at this point i'm confused as to business values and my motherly advice values to the client (the mother of the 14 yr old) which is a friend of a friend...I've never been asked this request before so I really don't know how to take it...please any encouragement advice!
Single Mom Of A 13yr Old

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So What Happened?

First, I want to thank everyone for their support on this touchy situation. I sat down and talked with the girl come to find out she is with a teen program called "Teen Success". Once a week for two hours twelve participants come together in a support group to educate and provide an open forum for these new moms in learning necessaites of surviving presented by Planned Parenthood. One of the primariy duties of Teen Success is to provide resources to the young ladies that will assist on their path to success. Not on purpose, but I never mentioned in the request that as my full time position I am a prenatal counselor. So let me tell you how walking by faith works, I had a dilemma I sent to everyone regarding my event planning business to mama source not knowing all the while this young lady is part of a "Teen Success" program and even as a counselor I had never heard of them. All the while the organizer of this event in which is a good friend of mine knows I am a prenatal counselor and asked me to come speak on prenatal care and wondered if I could incorporate a raffle towards my business. This was just yesterday she called me, So I've decided to do a bigger service I've developed a "Mommy & Me Celebration" not only for the young lady whom I originally wrote about who is part of this program my friend wants me to be part of a discussion panelist and give a helping hand for the organization. So upon doing this I have another request all of you have read the previous request regarding a baby shower for the 14 yer old we are expanding the request that anyone who is willing to donate to this organization please do so, as all of you have mentioned it could have been any of us. If you own a business and can donate towards this center or know somebody who owns a business in these expertise you may be able to donate... Diaper bag, baby washcloths, burp rags, bibs, clothing (outfits, sleepers, hats, onesies, socks), baby healthcare kit, baby bath wash and gift set, crib sheets, changing pad, I will be having a raffle for the girls at the center to win other bigger items like strollers or beds that are donated. So please send me an email via mama source or directly at [email protected]____.com need to support these young girls more now than ever, I cam to you with concern you came with feedback you see we came full circle. I thank you for all your comments & support.

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C.L.

answers from Indianapolis on

I truly am appalled at some of the "advice" given here! I mean to judge this 14 yr old girl and her mother is terrible. Some of you act like you have never made a mistake before. Yes it should not be condoned and yes there should be some education done. But that is not an event planners' job. I would say that this family probably did not plan to be in this situation. No one knows the whole story. This girl and her other have done a brave thing. Taking on raising this child. It was what was right for them. So I think a shower is appropriate. But if you are not comfortable with the situation, then decline. You have to do what's best for you.

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A.N.

answers from Indianapolis on

Hi C., I agree the damage is done. My young niece was an unwed mother and we gave her a shower. We mainly asked for a list of very "practical" items such as diapers, wipes, clothes - clothes - clothes. We also asked family members if they had any items they could donate. For instance, I gave her my son's old bouncer chair and baby tub. Those were things she didn't have to buy on her limited income.

On a different note, do you know if her family has discussed adoption with her? I know I'll probably tick some people off by mentioning this, but I can speak personally. I am an adopted child and am grateful every day to my birth mom for making the most unselfish decision by giving me up to a life of 2 loving parents. My life has been blessed because of her decision.

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J.J.

answers from Columbus on

Responders,
You are losing sight of the fact that she is an event planner. She can't get agencies involved or invite the teacher or do anything involving any moral opinion whatsoever! What they want for the shower is going to be dictated, for the most part, by the family of the girl. C. is just trying to decide to do the shower or not based on her beliefs! And her decision is complicated by the fact that the girl's mother is an aquaintance and that she, herself, has a young teen daughter.
C., maybe you could find out more about what they expect and decide more easily, with more info, if you are comfortable with it. If you aren't, I don't see any reason why you should feel bad about it, or beat around the bush as to why you won't do it.

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M.W.

answers from Cleveland on

I guess I don't understand the conflict of interest. If your daughter had a baby would you want that child to have all the best stuff possible? So the 14 year old made a mistake. Do we shun the child for the rest of their life because of the mother's mistake. Shouldn't this baby have every chance at a happy life? Do you think a 14 year old can afford baby clothes. Here's a good idea: TALK TO YOUR DAUGTHER about what this is doing to this 14 year olds life. Why don't parents talk to their children!! Maybe if they didn't I wouldn't be counseling my sophomores about sex and drugs!!!!!

If you don't want to work with her, then don't!! It's not that hard.

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A.M.

answers from Cleveland on

Wow! You were able to get a lot of response for this request! I didn't read all of the responses and you have probably received several similar to what I am going to say. I think this is a wonderful teaching opportunity for you... If you choose (100% YOUR decision) to give the baby shower, I think this is an opportunity to show the world the love and grace that our Heavenly Father has for each and every one of us. This is an opportunity to teach this young lady what His love is about and perhaps forever change her life and give her the positive energy that she very much needs around her at this time. This is also an opportunity to teach your daughter how to show love towards others and to encourage purity. This allows her to see that these things really do happen, that it is difficult, it is scary, and that this is likely one of the hardest things a young teenager can go through. Perhaps your daughter would help you with this shower and it would help keep an ongoing conversation with her about sex, purity, the grace of God, etc...

Good luck with your decision!

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L.D.

answers from Cleveland on

I would think that any woman, regardless of age, having her first baby needs a baby shower. I don't think that by acknowledging her situation and giving her support that you are in any way "glorifying" her situation. True, she is a minor, but as you know, biology doesn't see it that way and afterall, it does take 2 to tango. Just thank God she has decided to see this through and has not chosen to abort the child. She is lucky that she seems to have the support of her family. If you have any professional qualms about planning this shower, you should not take their money and suggest they go elsewhere. Lord knows she doesn't need her event planner judging her.

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R.M.

answers from Cleveland on

Wow...you have had quite a response to this already, so I'm not sure you will even read my 2 cents, but here they are:

Do the shower. You area business professional commissioned to do a job by a client. End of story. Think about just your business for moment; do you really want the negative feedback to reach your circle of friends and possibly turn away future business? You mentioned that the Grandmother is a friend of a friend. They wouldn't have recommended you for the job if they didn't think you wouldn't do a good job. now you are questioning a guaranteed job.

Now look at the situation. If you don't feel it is ethical, that is fine, but you didn't have anything to do with the creation or outcome of the situation of this 14 year old, so you really have no ethical issue here. You are not being asked to do anything that is outside of your normal job description. You were asked by a legal adult to plan a baby shower. End of story.

I agree that 14 is ridiculously young to be a Mommy, but I agree with all of the other women on this board..she and that little bundle of joy deserve to be prepared for it's birth. Why should that little baby suffer just because her Mom isn't a few years older? Get over it and help to make an unfortunate situation a little better for a scared girl. Good luck!

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K.I.

answers from Cincinnati on

C.,

What's done is done; don't make this girl continue to be "punished" by not allowing her the things that women normally get to go through with their support network of friends. Seems like somebody in her life should have been paying enough attention to know she was sexually active and teach her birth control. And, it takes two to tango. What "scorn" does her boyfriend get? A slap on the back and an atta-boy from the rest of the male population? Now, more than ever, this child needs love, guidance, and help because she is bearing a child herself. I am certain she is scared, embarrassed, insulted, and not necessarily being treated kindly by everyone. There are probably even parents of her friends who won't let them associate with her anymore because she is pregnant. As if it's contagious.

My Mom got pregnant a few months before she got married (was already engaged). She was not allowed a baby shower, a bridal shower, nor a wedding shower. Even with her two subsequent pregnancies, she never was given a baby shower. Many years later, when I was a teenager, I could still see the hurt when she talked about wishing she had been allowed a party. She was 17 when she got pregnant, missed out on her high school graduation, and suddenly became a very lonely stay-at-home Mom while my Dad worked 2 jobs. She had practically no friends.

I suggest to you that you have some very honest conversations with your daughter. Any time after puberty we all know girls can get pregnant. This is why we, as a society, don't legally allow 20-something boys to date teenage girls. Keeping open lines of communication will do wonders. I was never sexually active as a teenager. I wed at 32, had our first son at 35, and our second son at 37. As an early teen, I made a serious conscious decision not to reproduce out of wedlock. Sounds old-fashioned, but I actually *did* learn from someone else's experiences and vowed not to repeat them.

Please don't make this girl suffer. Let her know love and forgiveness. Support in her great time of stress. Help her have fun, and be a good mother.

Best wishes,
K.

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T.T.

answers from Indianapolis on

We had a similar situation in our family with a teenage pregnancy…keep the focus on the now. If it helps in your mind, keep the focus on the fact that she is going to be a mother. It shouldn’t matter that she is 14. The past (I’m guessing an unplanned pregnancy) can’t be helped at this point. You (and the family) many not be proud of the fact being the mom is so young, but that baby and its Mommy still need the love and support that any other baby and Mommy needs. You can’t change her past, but you can help her future by giving her hope

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R.B.

answers from Toledo on

I am struck by the insensitivity of the question, "What does a 14 year old need with a baby shower?"!! If this is your job, do your job. This poor child is probably scared half to death. If you need positive energy around you all the time, why not do something positive and caring for another human being in need? And do it without judgment. If nothing else, the baby will benefit with having the supplies her mother needs, and she will feel the loving energy that her mother receives. There is no way to avoid negative energy in this world, and if you choose to work with the public, you need to learn to deal with it. Sorry to sound so harsh, but your attitude and sense of compassion need serious adjustment.

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B.W.

answers from Columbus on

I am sorry if this response is late, but I can't believe that anyone would suggest not giving this girl a shower! She made a mistake by getting pregnant this early, but we love our children anyway. Showers are not only a way to celebrate a child, but it does help the parent out expence wise. I would think she would need this type of help. Give that girl a shower and make her feel loved, because everyone of us has made mistakes.

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L.G.

answers from Lima on

Doing a shower for a 14 yr. old will not be glorifying the situation, it will be supporting the girl in her choice to keep the baby.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a girl friend whose one daughter was pregnant at 14 and she did wonderful with the baby. My friends' daughter knew very well already how to take care of a baby. Her baby is now about 9 yrs. old.
This girl may not have the knowledge of taking care of a baby, but the shower will help show support for her decision to keep the baby.
Not doing a shower will in NO way point out the errors of getting pregnant at 14.
This would be the perfect opportunity for you to have a conversation with your own daughter, especially if she knows the girl.
People supporting this girl, will help her to learn what all goes into having and taking care of a baby. YOung or not there will be times she wants to "quit" and give up. Who of us mothers don't want to give up at times.
Even at my age (I didn't have my first daughter until 38) I wonder sometimes, if I knew what I was doing when I decided to have kids.

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T.W.

answers from Dayton on

As a mother of four and three of them being girls, this hits close for me too. But I will tell you this!! Send that little girl MY way, I will throw her a baby shower! Regardless that she is 14 years old, she is STILL going to need lots of things for this baby. The baby will one day want to see the baby shower pics. That "Some" ppl celebrated his or her life before he got here. I know as a mother myself, that you can talk to your blue in the face with your children, and sometimes, no matter how much you talk, they will do what they want to do anyway.
It's called Unconditional love! Her mother, while she knows her daughter made a mistake and is in for a long haul, will also continue to love and support her as she SHOULD do! Take this for what it is... a JOB! Nothing more, nothing less. You are being hired to do something for someone else, not to make sure a lesson is taught. The girl is probably scared enough as it is. Like I tell my girls.. always know you can tell me anything. If they were to come home PG, I wouldn't be thrilled, but whats done IS done. Nothing will change it.

Good luck

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J.C.

answers from Fort Wayne on

Oh my.,.....I can't believe someone is ACTUALLY throwin this little girl a baby shower!!! I am completely disturbed by this! Baby showers are a celebration for a new life that is for a mother who is looking forward to providing a life for her baby, and has the means to do so. Not to condone sexual behavior in adolescents that has brought into this world a hopeless baby who will be brought up by a most-likely-uneducated parent who's still growing up herself. That's absurd. I would explain to her that with your daughter being at the tender age she's at, you would rather her not think that you're encouraging sexual behavior in young girls by celebrating it. In the end, since it's a friend of a friend, and you really feel like you want to get her something, get her a box of condoms..... Someone needs to stand up to this behavior, not encourage it and pretend it's all fine and dandy.

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R.S.

answers from Columbus on

We are not here to judge even though she is a baby havin a baby the whole point of the baby shower is to help out with stuff that the baby needs. I am sure this girl is already feeling bad enough without everyone talking about how she should not be having this baby. For those of you who think she should not keep her baby who are you to make that decision. A baby is a blessing and sometimes GOD makes things happen for a reason so hopefully she will learn that lesson. If you dont feel comfortable with doing the baby shower dont but dont judge someone elses situation.

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M.P.

answers from Cincinnati on

I a in total agreement with Robin M on every word she said, so I won't repeat it in my reply.

Sometimes we are too quick to judge and it's not our place!

Good luck!

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J.B.

answers from Lafayette on

I remember when a friend of mine got pregnant at age 14, and things were a lot more strict morally in the atmosphere of my small town back then. Most parents did not allow their daughters to continue to be friends with Cheryl. Our family were fundamentalist Christians, so they did not condone it either. But I will never forget when Cheryl's baby boy was born, and my mother made me go see them and take some gifts for them. She told me that no matter what - Cheryl was your friend before and she is your friend now. A friend that will need all the love and support you can give her. So I took her and her son and new husband some baby things and kitchen things, and did the right thing according to my mom. That has stuck with me and taught me more about abstinence than a million sermons would have done. Think about what you are teaching about compassion and forgiveness, and then do what you think is right.

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K.B.

answers from Indianapolis on

I don't think you're being asked for moral support or judgement.
Fact is, she's pregnant and her age shouldn't mean that her baby should be treated any less special than any other.

Baby showers are about helping the parents get needs or wants for their baby.

I don't think that this is a situation that puts you in a place of preaching morality to the girl, who knows what she's already been through.

My opinion ;) I can't imagine how scary it would be having a baby at 14, or being so young that you're not even scared cos you have NO IDEA what you're getting yourself into but the baby should have pictures of his or her babyshower and gifts as much as any baby in the world! ;)

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J.V.

answers from Kokomo on

I am SO with Carrie L here. To the few that suggested her age was too much of a factor to celebrate a new life. Let she who is without sin cast the first rock ladies. This little baby on the way is a blessing from God. Not only is it pompice and judgemental of anyone to condemn this little girl's situation, but it is not what our Creator would expect from us. He has a purpose for the child's life, and if it involves being with it's mother than so be it. I agree it is not ideal situations, but sometimes amazing things come from less than ideal situations.

If I were in your shoes, I'd give her the shower. Regardless of how old she is, the child will need a crib, stroller, diapers, bottles, clothing, etc. It is unfair to not give the baby a decent start in life because the mother made a poor decision. What's done is done, pick up and be supportive because as all of us mothers know, it takes a village to raise a baby. I think the best thing to do is to show her love and support. If she knows she is supported, then there becomes a more appropriate oppertunity to discuss better ways to handle the situation. Best wishes!

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H.J.

answers from Columbus on

Hello there. I realize this must be really hard for you because of the ramifications hitting so close to home. However, I think you should try to focus more on the girl who will need all the help she can get. Unfortunately, the deed is done and she is planning on keeping her baby. A shower will help provide the things the baby will need and gives otehr mothers the opportunity to offer support and advice that this child is going to desperately need when she is trying to raise a baby of her own. Hope this helps.

A little about me:
Proud mama of two boys, 14 and 16.

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M.H.

answers from South Bend on

My suggestion is that since the mother of the pregnant girl is your client, you should keep your personal feelings aside and just do a beautiful shower centered on the new life that is going to come into this world. I, too, would share your feelings, however since it sounds like you are being commissioned to do the job, you almost have to suppress your feelings. Maybe make the party all about the new baby, not the new mom? Good luck!

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T.

answers from Cincinnati on

I think you need to put your business and your feelings aside. Believe me I would not like it if my daughter got pregnant that young but you do have to realize this young lady is going to need all the help she can get. My firnd had a child in highschool over 20 yrs ago and she needed everything from support to things for the baby. Please help this young lady out even if you don't feel comfortable. That young lady needs all the love in the world right now to help her with this baby on the way and the shower will start that love showing her there are people out there for her even if you are upset about this situation. Good Luck in your decision.

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S.K.

answers from Columbus on

Not to encourage teenage pregnancy, but a 14 year old getting ready to have a baby would to need to be showered with gifts (the reason for a baby shower) probably more so than an adult having a baby because she doesn't have the job or income to provide for her baby herself. With that being said, if you don't agree with her having a baby or her keeping the baby then doesn't host the shower.

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K.V.

answers from Indianapolis on

The fact that the girl is only 14 and pregnant is touchy for anyone, especially for any of us mothers that have young girls. My daughter is only 7, and that's enough to freak me out. But, what's done is done. Imagine what that 14yr old is feeling right now! I was afraid to kiss boys still at that age! She needs all the love and support she can get right now. I'm not sure why the baby shower needs to be any different than any other one. It is still an expectant, first time mother who probably needs everything. I understand your concerns that maybe your daughter might misunderstand your party planning as condoning(sp) the situation. I would take this as the perfect opportunity to talk to your daughter about the dangers of having sex before she is ready. I have very strong feelings about always being honest with your kids. My mom did not have the "sex" talk with me. That was one of those "don't talk about it" things. I wish she would have. My philosophy is if they are old enough to ask, I will tell. If I don't talk to them about it, they will get someone else's version (ie:friends). My oldest son is 12, and we have always had this kind of relationship. He talks to me about anything, and trusts that I will not fly off the handle. He does not feel the same about his dad. I am the strict parent, but he is more scared of dad. Dad has never even spanked him! He knows that he can trust me, and I trust him. I know that when it comes to the point that he may be interested in sex, he will come talk to me about it. He talks to me alot about what other kids do, and how he feels about it. I'm not going to say the conversations are always easy, but it works for us. As far as the baby shower, I would plan it just like any other to try and make what is not going to be an easy road a little better for this girl. Being tolerant, non-judgmental, and honest in a difficult situation as this is a great example to set for your daughter. It will also show her she can depend on your positive outlook even in a bad situation!

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M.T.

answers from Dayton on

C.,
I am no expert myself, but I was pregnant with my first child at 17 (still a minor) my dad is a preacher and very old school and trust me he was not happy about the situation, but the damage is already done. Just the same with the 14 year old you are talking about, he would not glorify the situation, he made me finish school and learn to stand on my own 2 feet so I could be the mom that my daughter needed me to be. I also received a baby shower, but I understood that it was not because they approved, it was thought of as a gift giving party to get me started cause at 17 I couldn't afford all the things that my daughter was going to need. My parents were there for me if I had questions or needed help, but it was very clearly pointed out to me that this was my responsibility.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you don't have to glorify the situation, but teach her how to be the best mom she can for the sake of the child. Thank God my dad did what he did. I am now the mother of 3 children (15yrs, 9yrs, 7yrs) and I have to admit that my 15 year old was and still is my daughter and my best friend, we grew up together and we learned together. Lord knows we should all teach these children having children how to do the same and maybe they would also learn to be responsible for their actions and quit having abortions (this is not an option in my family).
Good luck with the shower I'm sure you will do a great job with it, and also another thought for the shower for a gift would be her own access to this site for questions and, or have everyone write a little trick of the trade down and put it into book form for her, she is going to have a lot of questions. But more than anything and above all we all need to pray for her. Take care and God Bless

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N.N.

answers from Columbus on

Of course whether or not you choose to take this job is up to you. However, EVERY baby, regardless of its beginnings, deserves to be celebrated. This is a new life, with an innocent start. Yes, the mother may have made a mistake, that resulted in the baby, but the baby itself is a blessing, and should NEVER, NEVER be thought of as a mistake. If people treat it as such now, it will carry over after the baby is born. A child should never be looked on as a mistake, can you imagine how that would make you feel to be a mistake. More than likely, there won't be many young girls there, their families either won't let them attend or they will "feel too funny and not know what to say." Young ladies in this situation often find that they didn't have as many friends as they thought they did. This young lady has a hard row to hoe ahead of her, she needs support for herself and child. It sounds like her mother is on board, so take the cue from her mom. Sometimes we have to take our lemons, and this is a big one, and make some lemonaide for the sake of an innocent baby.

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K.N.

answers from Cleveland on

As a young mother myself, though not that young i was 18, 19 and 21 respectively with my 3, and single, this poor girl is probally getting more grief than she needs at what should be a happy time, she's young and she made a bad choice but she's ahving and keeping the baby so she's trying, why not help her out, i have a friend who was 15 when her daughter was born and she is a GREAT mom and she was then too. regardless of all the pressure we put on her because we didn't get it she stayed hom and took care of her daughter while the rest of us were at the mall being kids. This young lady might surprise you if she has the help and suppot she needs to get through school and raise her baby.

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L.T.

answers from Dayton on

I think a 14 year old mother needs just as many things as a 24 year old married mother. Because she is only 14 does not mean her BABY doesn't need clothing, diapers, etc. You are being asked to provide a service not offer up judgement, I am sure she is getting more than her share of judgement. Put your own feelings aside and do what's right for the baby who didn't ask to have a 14 year old mother. I would think that people would see your business name and think,"Hey, she's a good person who helped make a special day for a young girl who really needed it, I think I'll use her for my party".

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J.R.

answers from Cincinnati on

Well, if the 14 year old is going to parent the baby then she needs a baby shower just like any other first time mother. There is a big difference between helping and supporting someone in need and condoning poor decisions. The bottom line is, a shower celebrates a new life and regardless of the circumstances surrounding that conception and birth the baby is still a new life and did not ask to be brought into the situation. There are plenty of people who love to judge and look down their noses at others but what does that really accomplish? She knows she screwed up and if she doesn't, then she will find out soon enough. This is also a good time to introduce a dialogue with your own daughter about the importance of waiting to have sex - not because you're a "fuddy-duddy" but because this could happen to her and the entire course of her life could be altered. Good luck! :)

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J.F.

answers from Dayton on

If it were me, I would say no. I would encourage the youngster to attend a local pregnancy aide (right to life) center and they help them earn everything they need, while learning parenting skills and possibly talking about adoption. I am sorry if I offend anyone, fourteen is too young to keep a baby. There are many homes wanting a newborn that would be thrilled to be able to have a baby.

let me edit this a bit- I do believe that any child is a gift from God Himself. I do not know the situation of this young lady, and I am not critisizing. But if each of us would look back to when we were FOURTEEN, can any of you HONESTLY say that you would be prepared to be a mother and a good one. I don't think I could say I would be either.

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R.H.

answers from Cleveland on

I gave my 15 year old daughter a baby shower. The baby is a blessing. Even though I went through all the emotions from crying to anger we just accepted it and moved on. Regardless of the mother being 14 or 35 it will still be her first child and a wonderful memory. I say celibrate it and move on. My grandson was born in May and he is such a God send. Its not the 1950 anymore where you have to hide it. All I can say for any teen over 12 BIRTH CONTROL!

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R.T.

answers from Cincinnati on

I agree with you!!! Let's not encourage this as a "good thing". Things the baby needs should come from the "fathers" family and hers-NO ONE else!! I mean come on!! So many girls think this(pregnancy)is sooo cool, What wouldn't be cool? Getting all these cute clothes and toys and things for FREE!!! I say absolutely not!!! Here's a gift idea-encourage adoption!!!
R.

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B.G.

answers from Lima on

I just read all of the comments, and I must say, I am so dissapointed in some of the moms on here. I personally don't condone a 14 yr. old having sex or a baby, and C., if it goes against your moral values, by all means bow out and I respect that. But, some of you saying she doesn't deserve a shower, I would never deny her of getting the items she needs and celebrating the life that she is bring into the world, which now that the deed is done, the baby is what it's all about! Some of you are saying that she should only be allowed gifts from her parents or his and that is ridiculous. I would be happy to send her something she needed if it would help the baby! Also, to say only mothers who look forward to and have the means to provide a life for the baby deserve showers??? How do you know she isn't looking forward to providing the life the baby deserves? How many of us truly had the means or money to completely raise a baby when we had one? No one would have babies if they really waited until they could afford it!! Finally, you don't know this girl or her family, so to automatically judge that she will be uneducated and have a HOPELESS baby is ignorant and shameful!!!! There are many educational programs for young girls these days, and she could turn out to be a wonderful successful mom. The point is, none of us know her or her situation, so she shouldn't be judged! I can not believe some of the heartless things people will say or do!!!!!!!

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L.M.

answers from Cleveland on

Being an Event Planner - I would leave my personal feelings aside and take the job. You can explain to your own daughter that it is not right to have sex so young and that these are the consequences, etc. All of any us can do is hope for the best with our children, they are their own people - that make their own choices, and when something like this happens you just have to accept it and move forward.

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M.H.

answers from Mansfield on

Hi C.,
I just wanted to say that with this situation there will be a beautiful outcome! A BABY! The one thing that bothers me is that more often than not people worry more about the way the child is brought into the world than the fact that they are here. If you want to think about it in a way that this girl made a wrong descison than i can see not wanting to do the shower. But the descion was made and a baby is on its way. Now the main focus is on this child. If you look at it like that then you are just helping this child to have more of the things that it will need to make it. I have seen this happen before and i just think it is sad. These girls just need support and love and they will be able to make it through. They will have to live with their decison for the rest of their lives anyway. So..what is one baby shower going to hurt?
Good Luck to you and the mother to be!

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J.F.

answers from Cleveland on

I do not believe in having baby showers for children. I think it is ridiculous. It is a great joy when someone is having a baby, unless of course they are a child themselves. It is a joyous occassion, however, I don't think it should be celebrated when it is a child!
My children have had a couple of friends (16 and 17) that have had babies, we are all friendly with eachother, however, they know I don't believe in baby showers for children so noone attended from our family.

If you don't think it is right, then don't do it. If you are okay with encouraging children having children then by all means throw the best baby shower you can!
J.

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T.P.

answers from Canton on

Sure, the girl shouldn't be having a baby. That's obvious. However, if she's decided to raise the baby, then she still needs baby items, correct? She should be applauded that she's chosen to keep the baby, rather than aborting. Yes, there's always adoption, but we don't know the situation or reasons behind her decision to keep her baby. Perhaps she has family that's really backing her and are going to be there to help her in every way possible. I think that it's best, as a business owner, to know where the line should be drawn. It's not your place to judge her. You don't agree with her being pregnant, I get that. I don't either. However, what's done is done. Why not do what you can to help her succeed at being a good mother to her baby? But if you feel that strongly against it, then don't do it. It's best to back out politely, than to participate and risk your saying something about the situation that could come back to bite you.

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K.F.

answers from Toledo on

Hi C.,

What I've learned as a Christian is to not act according to my feelings, but out of obedience to God's Word. Sometimes, and it's VERY VERY hard for me, I just have to forgive someone even when I don't have that "peaceful feeling" to do so. The act sometimes has to come first, then you may be blessed w/ the "peace that surpasses all understanding."

If you were asked, go ahead and do this. Jesus says "whatever you do for the least of these, you do for Me." It is SO hard, I know!! This girl is so young, but she will hopefully remember the support and compassion, the nonjudgment that you gave her, and may someday teach this to that baby. God redeems the time. We may think this is a hopeless, tragic situation, but He may use this for His glory. It is a mystery, but go w/ it.

Blessings to you,
K.

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M.P.

answers from Indianapolis on

I feel you should have the shower as you would for any woman having a baby. The purpose being to provide necessities for the baby.
Also, the deed is done; she is pregnant. We should look at any positives there are. I know that is hard, but a baby is a blessing. Her mother is going to love this baby and she will be a young grandma. The daughter will have to grow up earlier than she would have, but this might make her more responsible in the future.
So, just party and ignore the age factor for a day.

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L.C.

answers from Dayton on

I went to a church when I was younger where the pastor wouldn't allow unwed mothers to have babyshowers at the church and even discouraged church members from giving them. He said this was a situation not to be celebrated.

I have to say that I strongly disagree. I understand the reticence to making this difficult time seem like a party, but I guarantee you that this little girl (and she is a little girl) is aware of the fact that her life is altered and will never be the same. And if she isn't, well, she soon will be.

The thing is, there's this baby to think about. In giving the shower you have the opportunity to point out the gift in all of this. You have an opportunity to show her that there will be joy in the midst of this sorrow, and that it's all wrapped up in that little one. You also have a opportunity to help this family bring this knew life home with a better start that it would have if they had nothing.

So, in the end you stand a chance at giving them a greater gift than all the shower presents combined.

I say go for it.

L.

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C.

answers from Cleveland on

If this is your business than treat it as such and prepare for it as you would any other shower. If it goes against your code of ethics than decline the business. I would think that this girl needs a baby shower more than anyone else. If the family is treating this as a blessed event than why should they not celebrate? As the saying goes, what's done is done. This girl will need so much support and advice and thank goodness her mother is behind her!

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E.M.

answers from Terre Haute on

I, personally, would do the baby shower... if I were the event planner and had been asked. You are in a business, and if you want to make money, you take the jobs that come along and put your feelings to the side. I'm sure you do things all the time that you don't agree with. Have you ever done a baby shower before, for an un-wed mother? Why does her age have to factor in? Yes, this 14 year old made a very big mistake. But how long do people have to hold this over her head? Can't she learn and grow from it, moving on with her life, and learn to be a wonderful caring mother to the beautiful baby she is about to bring into this world? No one is perfect, we've all made mistakes. How would you feel if someone as judging you for yours?

Anyway, if your job is planning events for paying customers, then I would plan the event that has been requested.

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A.S.

answers from Cincinnati on

I understand that you don't want to make it a celebration, but you also have to think about the baby!! If this young girl is going to have the baby and keep it then she is going to need all the help that she can get. Honestly, I am just happy that a 14 year old is willing to give the baby a chance at life! I am one that is totally against abortions, but she is going to have a rough way to go. Hopefully the grandma will be there to help and support her. I am sure that the grandma will appreciate the baby shower. I just can't imagine being 14 and pregnant or my own daughter being pregnant at that age.

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D.C.

answers from Dayton on

I can relate to a point as I was a teen mother at seventeen. It was tough for me at that age so I can't imagine having any more odds against me than I did. My son and I both have turned out exceedingly well (imho!) We couldn't have done it without the support network we had. Be respectful to her for the responsibility she is taking on - you and I both know it was alot for us to take on and she has even more on her shoulders.

As for a shower idea - make it as educational as possible. Maybe a Mother/Daughter theme because when you become a teen mother many people (friends and parents) turn their backs on you but if you put all of them face to face it will hopefully make them realize this is the situation and the best can be made of it. Have everyone write a memo or goal for her and drop them in a decorative jar so she can read them later when she needs a pick me up. I totally understand your want not to glamourize this - it isn't a sweet 16 but it is what it is. Even if this little girl doesn't show it regardless of her age she is about to become a mother and this is a time a woman wants to shine but many times still feels the guilt and disappointment of her situation. This is prob why her mom is giving her the shower she is - to make the best of the situation. :)

I would see if there is a local student parent program and contact the teacher of that program (mine was called GRADS)they could prob give you some good advice as they deal with this situation more often. Maybe suggest to the mom inviting the teacher - possibly even some of the students as prospective peers she can relate to - who also could mentor her? Just a thought but from experience it's a good thing. I'm praying for her - (and you!) Good luck and I can't wait to hear how it turns out!

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K.T.

answers from Cincinnati on

C..

This young person is now pregnant. So let's move on, in my viewpoint.
She is in need of items just like a 20 something married woman. I'm sure you agree.

I love the fact that her parent/s are able to move past shame and perhaps disappointment and give a baby shower for their daughter and brand new beautiful grand baby.

I agree with you. This is a happy occasion.
I sure all involved would have wanted this to happen later in the 14 year olds life, but it's in the "now".

With just that thought, it's ok to glorified God for the new life...the baby is here...let's support all involved and love the baby.

Don't take on any false burdens. Remember the Lord's ....burdens are light.
You don't need to give motherly advice. Perhaps positive encouragement would add strength to her life.
Stick with the "business" often this contains part of our [market place] ministry in this life.

Do your greatest in planning this event. Add to the happiness and make God proud.
Stay positive. Matthew 25:34-40; Proverbs 3:27

You have much to give.
Kim~
ps i love the name "China". I bet she is a joy!

I have 4 beautiful children. All in college and a son-in-law in college also.

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L.C.

answers from Cincinnati on

Baby showers are really for the baby, to make sure baby has all the things s/he needs to enter this world. How has this baby - not the baby's mama or situation, but the baby his/herself- offended your morals?

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M.W.

answers from Cincinnati on

Well, she is already pregnant, so you're not helping anything by not participating. If she is planning to parent this baby, then she probably does need to have a baby shower. Also, the grandmother is likely to need things since she probably hasn't had a baby in a while.

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N.S.

answers from Columbus on

Despite the fact that she is 14, she'll still need all the stuff for the baby that everyone else does. And since this is probably her first baby, I think a shower is appropriate. Even though she is very young now, when she gets older and looks back, I think that she will be thankful to have had a shower for her first born. Maybe you could do a shower with a twist - a little different b/c she is younger. She'll probably want to have friends her age there, so you'll need to take it into consideration. I would definitely sit down with her and her family (mom at least) and find out what she would like at her baby shower. Games are always fun (like the one with the safety pins in the rice bowl and if boys her age are there, have them wear blown up balloons under their shirts and try to tie their shoes). I think I would do it in the early afternoon, with coffee and cake. Once everybody gets there, (depending on how many people are there), have her open some presents, then do coffee and cake, then some more presents, then games and some more presents. Just to break it up a little. Younger adults have a shorter attention span and to sit through 30 or 45 minutes of just opening presents can get boring. You can also do a craft or something for the baby that the other girls that are the mom's age, can do, like making jewelry for mom and baby. One of my friends made a bracelet for me with my son's name and I love it. Find out when the baby is due and get some jewelry stuff that's the same color as the baby's birthstone and the mom's birthstone. I know this is an awkward situation but it is what it is and every baby deserves to be celebrated.

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S.T.

answers from Youngstown on

hey C.

i can see were your coming from but once that baby the mom will not get much attion any way because as we all know being a mom is a lot of hard work, be since she is not your frind i would just do it, this is how she is handling things with her childit happend they cant take it back now and the road ahead will be hard enough with out every body putting in the on feelings i would take the chance to seet down with my on child and start the subject or talk about it again and be thankful the shoe is not on the other foot.

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D.K.

answers from Indianapolis on

I'm with you on that one. I vote "NO". A shower is a celebration and happy occasion. THIS ISN'T cause for celebration in my opinion. I'm shocked that a mother of a teenager would even have the gaul to ask someone to give a teenage daughter - especially one that young - a shower!

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S.R.

answers from Toledo on

Hello C.. This does sound like a tough decision. My first question, is do you need the money they would pay you to plan this party? IF so then I would definatly do it. I would also do the 'standard' of having other mothers write down advice. My big concern would be how many of her friends would be invited? I think people can get pregnant with 'contaminated water' lol. I worked in a factory (alot like high school) where one person got pregnant and within two months there were 10 pregnant girls, they all wanted the attention and such stuff even though there weren't ready to be mothers. I would be concerned about inviting other teens to the party. Also, if my 14 y.o child came home pregnant, I would be irate first off, but a baby shower would be a necessity to gather things for the baby. This could also be a God given opportunity to drill into your daughter the importance of not having sex. Best of Luck!

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H.H.

answers from Cincinnati on

Hi, C. -

I can certainly appreciate your position here. For me, this would be a tough one. Professionally, I'd say you should go for it, unless you really have staunch opinions that you just can't get around. No amount of angsting about this girl's pregnancy and her impending motherhood will change the situation - all you can do is hope for the best for her and the baby. Being part of something that will give her a positive start to something that will have its share of difficulties is a generous thing, I think, especially if it's something you are having trouble coming to terms with. To that aspect, I'd also say that you should ONLY do the party IF you can bring yourself around to feeling a supportive spirit.

There comes a point when we encounter situations with our friends and their kids where the differences between us are so absolute that we have no choice but to build in a little psychological distance. I think this is surely one of those situations. I am also sure that, as time passes after this baby is born and you can see the contrast between your daughter's life and that of this extremely young child-mother, you will feel a great sense of empathy and be glad that you did something that helped her feel embraced and supported during what will really be the end of her childhood.

I wish you the best in your decision, and I wish the best for this little girl and her baby.

Take care,
H.

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E.D.

answers from Cleveland on

I assume since you are a party planner you are being asked to plan something somewhat lavish? Maybe that’s why you are objecting, not because this girl does not “deserve” a shower, but because she is being showered with a large and expensive celebration rather than something small and more cozy?

I used to volunteer at a pro-life pregnancy center and I can tell you that many girls this age are not prepared for the reality of raising a child. In the beginning, they see that they will have someone to love them forever and that they will get presents and be celebrated. When baby comes home, it is quite different. In the meantime, lavish showers and parties and celebrations can reinforce the message to other young girls that having a baby is a super fun thing to do.

Of course this mother and child deserve a shower (and grandma, too, as she will probably be doing much of the actual child-rearing). They will need the gifts more than older moms who are more prepared to parent. If you want to chalk it up to doing the shower as “strictly business,” then do so. If you feel the shower is truly sending the wrong message about the rewards of teenage pregnancy by being over-the-top, then by all means, tell the person that you are already busy that day. By doing this though, you may be risking your reputation as the child’s grandma will hardly recommend you to others and may even suspect your true motives for refusing to do the party.

Good luck!

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S.D.

answers from Indianapolis on

I guess I would say that, while it's a horrible situation for a 14-yr-old to be in, there's no sense in making it even worse by not providing her with things she'll need. If anyone needs help, it's a minor. Besides, there's nothing she can do now that she IS pregnant, so you might as well make the best of it and celebrate her choice to keep the baby when so many might have aborted or adopted out.
Keep it low-key, just close friends and family, and suggest that people stick to the truly needed items like feeding supplies (bottles or nursing bras, whichever she'll be doing), parenting books (I have seen quite a few for young, single mothers), clothes, furniture, etc...maybe everyone could bring a box of diapers - you could assign different sizes to people.
Don't use this to pontificate on your own beliefs or "teach her friends right from wrong". I wouldn't even invite kids her own age. Stick to adults and family members.
Good Luck!

***
I was thinking about it more and I just wanted to add that I think I'd be kind of sad when I found out no one celebrated my coming if I were the baby. Someday, this baby will be old enough to understand that it was unplanned and maybe even not very wanted. No shower will just emphasize the point.

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M.B.

answers from Indianapolis on

If you have a moral issue then you should let the person know that you are unable to plan the party. If not, then you should plan it just as you would for anyone else but make it with more games. Also, the grandparent to be must understand that this childs friends are not going to be able to afford "the big items" and should plan on getting that for her and to get the great grandparents support with that as well. Just because you are throwing the party...as your profession... it does not have to mean that you are encouraging this type of behavior. It could also be used as a way to talk to your daughter and let her know what your thoughts and feelings are. It's good to be there as a friend even if you don't agree with them.
Best of Luck!!

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S.H.

answers from South Bend on

I am sort of conflicted on this one. As a teenage mom myself (I had my son at 17) I really NEEDED the shower as I could not provide for the baby myself. However, as an adult and a Christian..I do not think you should do anything that is against your beliefs. This is a fine line. It is kind of like giving condoms out at highschools. Some say that it is giving permission for kids to have sex. Others are of the "they are already doing it so we can at least help them stay protected" camp. Either way, some kids will have sex and some won't. Really, at this point in time the child is already pregnant and whether she got pregnant on purpose or accident the baby is coming. She may or may not feel excited about it now but she has NO IDEA what it is really going to be like and she needs support and preperation now more than ever. With all that being said, I would first pray about what you should do. If you decide to throw the shower, I would maybe try and reconcile the shower with your beliefs. If the parents are not against it, try working some of your values into the shower. Recognize her bravery for not getting an abortion. Focus on giving tips for good motherhood practices. Possibly, someone could give her the gift of enrollment in parenting classess. Try to focus as much as you can on preparing her mentally, physically, and spiritually for the upcoming birth of her child. Good luck and God bless.

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J.L.

answers from Cleveland on

I am not so sure I agree with everyone else here. You can be sensitive and all, but in the end, it is your business. It does not matter if you support the idea or not; if you do not want to do it, say no. It does not seem that you are very close to the mother anyway....why torture yourself??

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M.R.

answers from Cincinnati on

If someone approached me to throw a baby shower for a 14 year old, I'd politely decline the request. I have no problem with other people choosing to throw a baby shower for a 14 year old but personally I would not feel comfortable hosting this sort of event.

If you're not comfortable with the idea, don't do it.

Why isn't the mother throwing her a shower? (maybe she is, who knows) That seems to be a more appropriate route. I'm not sure what, if anything obligates you to throw a shower for this young girl.

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T.B.

answers from Bloomington on

Tough call. Problem is if this is a business for you are you able to say no to someone without the fear of being sued for discrimination. Fourteen year old mothers need the same kinds of things, maybe more so, that others do: diapers, powder, blankets, crib, etc. Though this may be uncomfortable for you the fact that this child has chosen to give birth instead of abort makes this a blessed occasion. Perhaps asking your pastor for some advice on how to handle the situation would be in order.

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M.H.

answers from Indianapolis on

The question I would need to know, is she keeping the baby? If so, a family member (aunt, older cousin etc.) should probably be doing the shower and not a school friend or her mother.

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D.W.

answers from Cincinnati on

Years ago my oldest son was invited to be best man at his friend's wedding. At the time- his friend was 16 and my son was to turn 16 later that year. The woman he was marrying was pregnant with the groom's child and she had a child from a previous relationship. She was twenty nine at the time. Though this was a very difficult decision, especially given the fact that my youngest son was friends with the sister of the groom and more importantly I was good, good friends with his mom. In the end we advised Gabe not to be witness.
I hope this helps .....BTW- though the relationship between my oldest son and the young groom did not continue, the other relationships did.
D.

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R.D.

answers from Indianapolis on

C.,
I don't envy you. I hope you have gotten some advice you feel you can use. I would find it tough because you don't want to send the message this girl has now grown up because she is having a baby. I work at a county hospital, and have run into more than one 14 yr old who planned this pregnancy. They saw it as a sure-fire way to become a grown-up. I agree support is necessary, but we don't really know the situation this girl got pregnant under, or how she feels about the whole thing. I have seen many teen know-it-alls, and we can't tell them anything. They feel like they are entitled to things, and giving her a baby shower just adds to this feeling of entitlement. I disagree. Baby Showers aren't for the baby, they are for the mom to celebrate this change in her life, and to help her get things she thinks she needs for the baby. Most babies would be just fine without half of the stuff we get for them.
In your shoes, I'm not sure how I would respond. I say just go with your conscience, maybe talk to your friend and see what she wants for this shower. goodd luck.
R.

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F.R.

answers from Columbus on

C.,

I am with you on the motherly view on the topic. I would have the same struggle, to a point. If this is you business, then you have to decide if your morals are gonna get in the way. If they will, then kindly decline the request to do the shower. Maybe you already are booked for that day? ;) If they ask if there is a problem, be honest. But not rude. If you except the job, you need to make sure you can hold your tongue. It would be to much stess for me. Good luck to you!

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S.H.

answers from Fort Wayne on

You are not the only person in the world capable of throwing the shower. If you are uncomfortable with it, you don't have to do it. A 14 year old child, in what 8th grade?, should not be keeping her baby. Adult women and other little girls should not be celebrating it. If the new baby needs stuff, which we all know s/he will, then take a gift over to the house. There are plenty of ways for a baby to get everything it needs without there being a party.

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C.W.

answers from Cincinnati on

C. while your in business sometimes you have to set your personal opinions aside. While I understand your you don't want to send the wrong message to your daughter you are in business to make money. Tell her this. Tell her normally for you this would indeed be a joyious occasion for you the age you feel is just too young. Tell her you don't feel someone of that age really understand what having a child really means. Tell her even many who are much older really don't understand how much of their lives will change. You don't have to be supportive to this child either. Her mother is from the way you described it not your friend and probably doessn't have the same values as you. Organize the best party you can and don't overly worry about the impression it makes.
If you don't really need the money is there someone who you could guide and not be in the front. Just a suggestion.

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S.P.

answers from Indianapolis on

For the sake of your daughter I would decline (refuse).
When one of my daughters was in high school there was a shower for a young girl and I did not let her attend.
I do not think that it is proper as you say, to "glorify" the situation by any means, and you should explain to your daughter(if the question comes up) that you do not approve of the girl's situation etc.
If the persons in question want to have a family "shower" fine but to ask you to do it and/or to invite non-family is just ridiculous.
Aren't there any standards anymore?
I read Miss Manners so I guess I should not be surprised.

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N.P.

answers from Lafayette on

C.,
I did a baby shower for my husband's 16 yr. old daughter who will be having a baby the end of next month. We too did not want to glorify, but wanted her to have the tools she needed to help her mother her child. (Since she has no job or means to provide herself.) We invited only CLOSE family members & friends. Instead of the usual festivities, decorations & "congratulations" cake. We did a luncheon, just everyone hanging out & talking. No decorations & a simple cheesecake. She really needed the things she received & also got some sorely NEEDED advise & a reality check that babies aren't all cute & fun... there is work & neccesity involved. So, maybe ask the other mothers to share some advice or stories. THE BABY really needs his/her mother to know some things that teenagers don't even think about. It really helps the baby more than anything, and the world really needs our children to be well taken care of. If this is your work, then is your daughter involved? If not, I don't see a need to mention "another work project." But, if she is in the know, this is just another opportunity for you to discuss life choices with her. Sex is everywhere so it is best that you give her the advice she needs yourself. So, count it as a blessing that you can bring up the subject with her. Sometimes I think parents don't talk to their kids about issues like this because the opportunity isn't there.

Good Luck!

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R.G.

answers from Indianapolis on

I personally would have to decline. I know you are a friend of the mom, but what sort of a message are you sending your own daughter if you do this? And I don't ever think it is ok to
"request" of someone to give a shower. It should be given freely by choice.
You are right, this is not a situation to be celebrated. Not meaning the new life, but the overall situation. From experience, I have seen young girls revel in all the attention of showers and such when pregnant, only to be shocked by the reality when the baby arrives. It's a cinderella experience til the reality hits. Good luck on your decision.

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D.M.

answers from Fort Wayne on

Here's a thought!

My sister-in-law got pregnant at 15! Guess what - she is still with the father (19 years this year ) - 3 children later - and her oldest is 18 now! Things can work out - why not give the girl a break - if she's keeping the baby there are things she needs - and why doesn't SHE deserve to have some of it "given" to her at a shower! Is there no faith left that 50% of marriages DO survive!

(Married w/2 children - this year is 20!)

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