Why Babies Cry
How to soothe your little one -- and yourself
By Charlotte Latvala
I was so prepared for my first baby. I had survived Lamaze classes, knew how to operate a breast pump (at least in theory), and had enough diapers for quintuplets. What I didn't anticipate were the hours of crying: I came completely unglued at the sound of Mathilda's heartrending wails. I vividly remember sitting in my new rocking chair, holding her on my shoulder while she screamed and I sobbed, thinking it was never going to end. "Why did I have a baby?" I blubbered more than once. "I'm not cut out to be a mother."
Every new mom has been there. Your baby is shrieking, you have no clue how to calm her, and you would give your life savings to someone who could tell you how to stop it. "I remember one night when Carly was a newborn, and she screamed from 5 p.m. to 1 a.m.," says Sally Maxson, a mom of two in Chippewa, Pennsylvania. "The only time she would stop was when I nursed her. It was one of the most stressful times of my life."
What's important to remember is that all infants have unexplained periods of fussiness during their first few months. "Crying doesn't reflect on your parenting skills," says Marc Weissbluth, M.D., author of Your Fussy Baby. "Crying is universal behavior, in all cultures. As I like to say: 'Birds fly, babies cry.'"
Still, realizing that baby tears are normal doesn't make them easy to live with. But there are ways to get your baby — and yourself — through this tough period, once you know what you're up against.
The lowdown on crying
Babies can't tell us "I'm hungry," "I'd like to get out of this car seat," or "This itchy tag is driving me crazy!" So they cry. The challenge is not to take it personally. Marjorie Carlson, a mom of three, ages 10, 7, and 4, in Sewickley, Pennsylvania, came up with a method that helped her empathize with her babies. "I tried not to think of their cries as annoying sounds," she says. "I imagined it was their way of saying 'Mom, I need you!'" But then, it might sound like your baby needs you all the time. In fact, a newborn cries for an average of three hours a day, peaking at around 6 weeks. By 3 months, your baby's crying will probably subside to about one hour a day.
Of course, even a short crying jag can seem like an eternity to any mom, especially one who's exhausted and overwhelmed. "When you're in the postpartum period, five minutes can feel like two hours," says Maureen O'Brien, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist with The First Years and the mother of 11-year-old twins. "At the same time your baby is going through the initial crying period, you're adjusting to your new role as a mom, dealing with sleep deprivation and postpartum hormones. It's all bundled together: the baby's crying and your own ability to cry on a dime."
What the tears do to moms
It's not your imagination: Your baby's cries affect you in a way that other aggravating noises (chain saws, barking dogs, a too-loud television) don't. "Moms have a biological response when babies cry," says Robert Sears, M.D., coauthor of The Premature Baby Book. Their infant's cry triggers release of the hormone prolactin, dubbed "the mothering hormone," which creates an urge to pick the baby up and meet his needs. So it's actually a good sign that your baby's wailing gets to you like nothing else, Dr. Sears says.
Because we're wired to respond this way, we moms tend to be tough on ourselves when our babies keep right on crying. Tara Feaster of Bronx, New York, felt guilty when she couldn't immediately soothe her newborn daughter Cassandra, now 17 months. "I felt like a terrible mom and that my baby deserved better," she says. Even more experienced moms feel the pressure. Christine D'Amico, a mom of three (Max, 6, Charlie, 4, and Francesca, 1) in San Diego and the author of The Pregnant Woman's Companion, says that her babies' cries often pushed her to the limit. "I would obviously never do it, but I realized why kids get shaken to death," she says. "You reach that really frustrated place, and you just don't know what to do."
The fine art of baby soothing
Fortunately, there are as many ways to calm a crying baby as there are, well, crying babies. My daughter Mathilda, now 9, settled down when my husband, Tony, rocked her on his shoulder — but only if he stood on a certain squeaky floorboard in our living room. Her brother, A.J., now 7, was a rocking-chair man. And my 1-year-old, Mary Elena, fussed in the rocker but loved to cruise around our floor in her stroller. Other infants will only quiet down with a drive in the car, an hour in the baby swing, or after being tightly swaddled. Dimming the lights, turning on relaxing music, or stripping a baby down to her diaper are other tried-and-true methods.
You may need to experiment to figure out what clicks. When her 4-month-old daughter, Hannah Olivia, cried for three hours, Nicole Leon of Hollywood, Florida, tried rocking, feeding, and walking, but nothing worked. In desperation, Nicole ran a warm bath and got in with her baby. "It did soothe her, so we spent the rest of the afternoon there," she says. "Now I know that whenever she gets fussy, a bath always works." Don't underestimate the power of distraction either. "Cassandra always stopped crying and shifted her attention when either of our cats walked by," says Feaster.
It may seem counterintuitive, but adding even more noise to a crying baby's environment may help calm her. "Carly fell asleep to white noise during her first six months of life," says Maxson. "We would run the sweeper or turn on my hair dryer. It was the only thing that worked consistently."
Play around with various positions, too. Some babies are happiest slung over a shoulder, but others enjoy being held across your forearm, tummy down, like footballs. You can also try humming or singing while you hold your baby close; in addition to the sound, the vibrations from your voice box can be soothing to her.
Needless to say, don't overlook the obvious problems. Make sure your baby is dry, fed, and burped. "One day, my two-month-old daughter, Phoebe, had been crying for a long time," says Denise Mussman of St. Louis. "Finally, I rubbed my fingers gently along her spine, starting at the bottom and working my way up. She let out a tremendous belch, and then she was fine."
Don't neglect yourself
No surprise here: Babies can pick up on our tension and stress. It's a vicious cycle. The baby cries, his mom gets anxious, he cries even harder. To break the chain, you've got to figure out a way to soothe yourself, whether it's putting on headphones for ten minutes or (ideally) handing the baby off to a trusted friend or relative while you take a hot shower or just a much-needed break.
Another vital step: Do your best to get out of the house and spend time with other people. There's something about the act of socializing — even if it's just exchanging pleasantries with a coffee-shop clerk — that brings us back to reality. (Also, babies in strollers are less apt to cry; they love motion, fresh air, and a change of scenery.)
Sometimes, too, a reality check is in order. Logging the actual minutes of crying can help put things in perspective, says O'Brien, because you're likely to discover your baby doesn't cry as much as you think she does. "It's also a good way to track when her fussiest periods are and help yourself remember which soothing techniques work and which don't," she says.
If all else fails — you've tried everything, your baby is still crying, and you're in danger of losing control — put her in a crib or another safe place and take a time-out in another room. Crying alone for a little while won't hurt her.
The big picture
No matter how awful your baby's crying seems, take heart. It will soon be over. I used to be appalled when well-meaning strangers (usually older women) would stop me with my fussy newborn and say, "Enjoy this stage; it goes so fast." What planet were they on? Enjoy being sleep-deprived and constantly frazzled? At the time, I thought their comments were further proof that there must be something wrong with me. But now, with two more kids and almost a decade of perspective under my belt, I understand what they meant.
After three months, your baby's crying jags will be less frequent and much more comprehensible; soon she'll be cooing, blowing kisses, and saying "Ma-ma" and "Da-da." Even if you never become an expert at decoding her cries (I could never distinguish "hungry" from "overstimulated"), the crying phase will soon be over, and you'll be on to other challenges — like listening to her chatter nonstop through the toddler years.
3 things not to do
• Pop in a pacifier right away. Yes, it might quiet him, but you don't get the chance to figure out what's really wrong.
• Rush to feed him. If you stick a bottle or your breast in your baby's mouth every time he cries and before you're sure he's hungry, you could be showing him that eating is a way to comfort himself. That can eventually lead to overeating.
• Try too many different ways of soothing at once. It takes a while for soothing techniques to work. If you quickly change positions or swaddle and then unswaddle immediately, your baby will probably become more agitated.
Decoding the wails
Hunger? Boredom? Exhaustion? Forget trying to figure out the nuances among the different types of cries, says Robert Sears, M.D. "Most newborns have only one cry — loud and demanding," he says. But keep these general guidelines in mind:
• When he's hungry, a baby will quietly fuss and squirm. If he isn't fed, the cry will escalate. (Unless he's a newborn, and then the big wails are likely to start right away.) If he's in pain — from gas, teething, or illness — your baby will probably have a piercing cry. He'll be difficult for you to console, and usually wear a pained expression.
• Newborns have a very distinct, high-pitched wail. They take in short, rapid breaths and let out a short crying sound each time they exhale. Older babies begin to breathe in deeper when crying, so each cry is longer.
Parenting, March 2005
Charlotte Latvala wrote "Family Traditions We Love" for the February issue of Parenting.
Source: www.parenting.com - Excellent tips on all stages of the child from birth to 12years old.
Soothing Secrets
Moms share their best baby-calming tips
By Julie Tilsner
Of all the things you were worried about before your baby's arrival, comforting her probably wasn't one of them. Of course you'd know how to calm her tears — and what would she have to be fussy about anyway? Reality check: The average infant cries anywhere from two to three hours a day, and any pediatrician will tell you that a huge percentage of phone calls come from parents desperate to calm their cranky charges. Sure, you can go through the proverbial checklist of possible problems: Is the baby wet? Hungry? Tired? But for the times when you've exhausted those possibilities and your baby is still crying, turn to these inventive ideas discovered by weary moms like you. These twists work on the same principles as soothing techniques in standard baby books, but may be easier for you to manage. Here's to some peace and quiet at last:
Steady motion
The standard advice: Gently bounce or rock your baby from side to side.
Why it works: The experts call it "vestibular motion," but most moms don't need big words to understand that moving a baby up and down and around as you hold her almost always helps, at least for a bit. The rhythmic swaying is calming because it resembles the movement that infants got used to in the womb, says Paula Elbirt, M.D., author of Dr. Paula's House Calls to Newborns: Birth Through Six Months. But any mom who's ever done some midnight pacing with a wailing baby knows how exhausting that can be.
How moms add their own twist: Dana McMahan of Richmond, California, has her husband, Josh, to thank for a way to keep their twins in motion that doesn't involve walking: "We used to do that awkward bounce-and-hold as we walked around the room with our girls," she says. "But Josh figured that if he was going to bounce, he might as well sit down. So he sat on a fitness ball and held the girls in the crook of each arm, with their heads against his chest. It worked so well that we've used it ever since!" Emily Strong of Little River, California, discovered that using her stair-climbing machine calmed her 14-month-old, Eliza, who was miserable with an ear infection. As she waited for Eliza's meds to kick in, Strong held her and stepped up and down on the machine. "Thankfully, it worked when nothing else would distract her," she says.
Noisemakers
The standard advice: Turn on a fan in the nursery.
Why it works: A baby's developing neurological system isn't able to tune out surrounding stimuli yet. White noise helps shut out everything else.
How moms add their own twist: Jill Whalen of Ashland, Massachusetts, stumbled into her kitchen late one night with her crying baby. She turned on the tap to get a drink of water — and Timmy, 1 month old, stopped crying. She turned it off, and he started up again. On, off, on, off. And so it went, until his crying tapered off. Radio static worked equally well, and Timmy spent the first three months of his life listening calmly to nothing on the radio. "I just discovered this by mistake!" Whalen says. "I wish somebody had told me about it earlier."
Other moms find that, contrary to common wisdom, noises that are considered triggers for crying can be just the opposite. Jen Grogono figured out that her baby not only didn't pitch a fit in a restaurant, but the background din actually put him to sleep. The Austin, Texas, mom dined out a lot in those early days.
Unfortunately for Joyce Grzybek of Ramsey, New Jersey, her infant son, Kevin, quieted down only to the sound of the vacuum cleaner. But at least her carpets were spotless. Tape recordings of running water or the vacuum may work just as well (but your house won't be as clean).
Let's ride
The standard advice: Drive your baby around the block.
Why it works: You're actually combining steady motion and white noise, so it makes sense that a car ride can do the trick. But it's hardly convenient at 2:30 a.m.
How moms add their own twist: Baby-equipment manufacturers do a brisk business selling vibrating bouncy seats, but many moms make their own versions of the white-noise-movement combo. Cheri Schulzke, a Pleasant Grove, Utah, mom of four, turned to her clothes dryer whenever her babies wouldn't stop fussing. "I put the bouncy seat on top of a towel on the dryer, turned it on, and watched it work its magic. They loved the movement, the hum, and the warmth," she says. (Stay close by if you try this with your baby; the seat may bounce around.)
Sometimes even the notion of motion works. Deborah Phillips spent a lot of time driving her daughter, Megan, 6 weeks old, around the block of their Snohomish, Washington, home to calm her down enough to sleep. But late one desperate night, she simply brought the car seat inside and set it on the living room floor. "She nestled right in and fell sound asleep," Phillips says. "I could've saved a lot of gas if I'd thought of this earlier!"
Tune in
The standard advice: Play or sing soft lullaby music.
Why it works: Gentle, rhythmic melodies are time-tested calmers, that's for sure. If you sing a particular song at night as your baby drifts off to sleep, she may start to connect it to nodding off, so try that song first if she's fussing.
How moms add their own twist: Elisa Mikiten of Berkeley, California, says she knows several moms who rely on Bob Marley to soothe their babes. "I've also found that Paul Simon's Graceland works," she adds.
If a CD isn't handy, don't let a limited vocal range keep you from singing: Even if you're tone-deaf, the soft, crooning nature of your voice can calm your baby.
When Kim Frank of Albany, California, was pregnant, she spent a lot of time listening to a popular drumming circle that jammed every day in a local park — maybe that's why her son, Lev, 9 months, instantly quiets whenever his dad starts to play his West African drum.
The right touch
The standard advice: Give your baby a gentle massage.
Why it works: Touch stimulates pressure receptors in the brain that calm your baby. Research shows that long, smooth strokes work better than short, brisk ones.
How moms add their own twist: "One trick that worked with my two girls was to stroke their cheek with the tips of my index and middle finger," says Rajean Blomquist of Huber Heights, Ohio. "My older daughter, who's now 10, still asks me to do this whenever she's feeling stressed."
My own daughter, Anna, loves a back scratch — never a massage. It calmed her down in her earliest months, and five years later it still succeeds at putting her to sleep fast.
Many moms swear by the water method: giving their baby a bath. Use either an infant tub or the sink, and support her body the whole time. The sound of the running water and the warm touch on her skin will do the rest.
Tone it down
If you've tried everything and your child is still worked up, maybe you're trying too hard. Some young babies don't like to be handled as much and need to be left alone before being able to fall asleep. "Sometimes they just need to cry a bit before they conk out," says Ann Froese-Fretz, R.N., director of the Fussy Baby Clinic of the Children's Hospital, in Denver. "We don't recommend letting an infant under three months cry it out, but it's okay to let her fuss for five minutes. You need to give her the opportunity to figure out how to soothe herself."
At times, visual overstimulation may be the problem. Froese-Fretz once treated a child whose parents had set up a beautiful nursery, decorated with tartan plaids. "But their baby went nuts — it was too much," she says. Once the parents removed the mobiles, covered the crib bumpers, and replaced the sheets with plain ones, "the change was miraculous — like they had a different baby."
Most important, when you stumble upon a strategy that works, stay with it. Trying something different every five minutes can backfire if it overstimulates her. Limit yourself to two or three methods that seem to work best at soothing your little one — if one fails in one instance, try the other, instead of introducing several new techniques. "You almost always get results after a day or two if you stick to a consistent pattern," says Froese-Fretz.
Of course, no method is absolutely foolproof. Keep in mind that temperament is a big factor, and some babies simply weren't born to be soothed — you can rock them all day long and they'll still only calm down a bit. If that is the case in your house, don't forget to tend to your own psyche. And remember that this too shall pass.
Help For You: Mom Soothers
• Have an out. Ask your partner, a grandparent, or a friend to relieve you before the situation becomes overwhelming. If there's no help available, put your baby down in her crib for ten minutes and leave the room to escape her wails. It's always better to let her cry alone safely for a few minutes than to risk your losing control. Or try wearing earplugs: You'll still hear her, but the sound will be muffled.
• Don't feel responsible! There's only so much you can do. If you've ruled out a physical reason for her crying and you've done your best to try to calm her, realize that this is something you just have no control over.
• Take care of yourself. While your baby sleeps, forget the chores and take advantage of the quiet instead: Relax by taking a bath, chatting on the phone with a friend, taking a nap, or doing something you enjoy, such as reading or knitting.
Parenting, March 2005
Julie Tilsner is the author of Planet Parenthood and Attack of the Toddlers.
