B

Ooh sister! You are a piece of work. I am lesbian and the way you speak mimics how lesbians sound when their exes move on. Yeah right you have no romantic feelings about Garry. You need to leave him and his wife alone if you really care for him as you lie---oops say you do.

Well L. you have been given the truth of the situation that you have presented to us all and I sincerely hope you will listen to the overwhelming response which is that this relationship as you have stated it is inappropriate and needs to stop. I don't think anyone is trying to be unkind or say you're a bad person but rather trying to help you see exactly that what you're doing is wrong. I truly hope you will take the excellent advice you have been given to heart

L. - You mentioned that the wife liked you at first, and then something changed. It makes me wonder if perhaps he admitted to her that he has feelings for you. Is it at all possible? Or maybe she put 2 and 2 together...

I have also had very close male friends, so I think its possible. However, I would never be communicating with them behind my husband's back... that's a recipe for disaster.

I wish you all the best. You seem like a very sensitive soul who cares deeply for her friends.

- I just know that he needs me and his wife is not there for him like I could be.
- She doesn't understand him like I do.
- I know he needs me and I just don't know what to do.
- His wife is so mean and she does nothing for him ever!

Romantic or non romantic, male or female, gay or strait, if my husband had a friend who used the above phrases, I would feel pretty uneasy.

Your post was, for me, full of red flags.

Friendship should not, in my mind, be possessive. I suppose I can understand his wife wanting to create some distance.

I'm sorry L., but I think most of us are glad you're not BFF with OUR husbands.

:(

Some things you say in your post stands out to me.

1.it breaks my heart that I cant be there for him and the girls- It should not break your heart if he is just a friend and this friend has a wife! It is her place to be there and you need to give her space and room to do so.

2.I miss him and his friendship and the girls a lot.- Your friendship has changd with Gary and it is because he is married, it take a lot for the 2 to become 1 and IMO you are in that space.

3.I don't know what I did. I just know that he needs me and his wife is not there for him like I could be. She doesn't understand him like I do.- The wife IMO is doing the right thing by creating distance from you and HER husband because SHE is going to understand her husband better than any other woman does and outside looking in you may have been in the way of that.

4.I miss my friend, and I know he needs me and I just don't know what to do. His wife is so mean and she does nothing for him ever! - This is someone's marriage what you can do for Gary is allow him to give his marriage a chance by not interfering, if you know that wife is insecure about your friendship than BE A FRIEND and give them room to become one!

to me it sounds like you want more than just a friendship, I could be wrong but I doubt it! Your feelings & thought process are so out of line to me towards a now married man. If I am wrong forgive me but I am just reading what I see in your post. It is as if you wish your were in his wife's place.

Please tell me I am wrong?

ADDED:
Okay If you say she is always angry with him, ARE YOU A TOPIC OF ANY OF THEIR CONVERSTIONS/ARGUMENTS? I mean any of them? Ask yourself that question and of course you dont have to answer me because I could care less, I am not criticizing or judging you but I am passionate about THE 2 BECOMING 1 when it comes to a married couple.

If you are a topic of the arguements than as a friend you should not want to be. You should want thier marriage to suceed and you should want her to be a better wife to your "bff". If it were me I would have tried to be the wife's friend so I could give her some pointers.

I have male friends and my husband has female friends and if any of these friends thought that they could take my or my husband's place than that would be a boundary breaker for us. Yes Male and females can be friends but it is the shadiness, immature,disrepectfulness ect..that makes things go bad.

Added again:You are not the bad person just the friend who did not understand that marrige comes first between and man and a woman who is married. If his wife came into this and you guys had a special bond than yes she felt like I have to have that special bond with MY man and so she was not interested in geting to know you but him! when he text you be a friend and tell him not to and to concentrate on HIS family, say it in love and let him go and pray that the 2 become 1. With that prayer in place you may run into her in the future and she may end up being your BFF because you did sistah a favor and let her man go and respected her marriage.

If you care about your friend so much, then respect his marriage.

I find it kind of strange that you mention he needs you and you know him better than his own wife does.

She comes first. Sorry, move on and pray for him and his family through this tough time and try to not to cause any more problems for him. (Secret texts)

Wooweee...defensive, defensive.

His marriage is his business. If his wife says she's uncomfortable with you - that's between the two of them and your intrusion is as a 3rd party. And when all the dust settles - you are only a 3rd party to a 2 person event.

Ya know what most marriages don't want? A third party.

This doesn't mean your friendship or you are necessarily bad things - and you've apparently tried to offer your friendship to her. She didn't accept. Time to move on.

The pining to chat, the "need" that you each have for each other....to most that sounds a lot like the friendship a marriage is based on. But his wife might have been picking up on your non verbal cues as to your true feelings - that she's not good enough for him.

No judgment from me.

Nope. Not OK. You feel like he needs you and you need him and his wife is mean and not there for him as much as you can be..she does nothing for him ever...according to him so he obviously bitches about her to you.....Sounds like there was a reason she felt threatened. And Maybe it's because she's a cold, jealous, horrible shrew. But that's who he chose to marry, and you should stop the texting and carrying on. I don't have any male friends who I talk to THAT much (as much as you used to and would like to) or that I'm THAT close to. And I have many male friends. The level of friendship you're talking about with a married man is more than most wives could take I think. If you were talking 2-3 times per day every day, you seriously couldn't expect anyone to put up with that unless you were best buds with BOTH of them. I'm sorry you guys were so close and his wife is causing you to lose a friend, but that's the way it goes with couples. If he gets divorced again because she's so awful, you can go back to talking to him more. If you email her and ask her what the deal is, you're not going to get an answer that you like.

****regarding your SWH, for real?! You NEED to look at what you're saying! I had a dear friend for many years. We never had any romantic involvement. We were really close. He married a terrible person. His life became hell. I missed him. FROM A DISTANCE. I did not interfere or feel I should be able to keep dibs on a married man "needing me". Yes I was a good friend for him for years and a good shoulder to cry on BEFORE he was married. but not AFTER that. You are looking at this all wrong and you refuse to see it. That's why the wife could not deal with you. You don't need to understand why they are together. You're not involved.

He MARRIED this woman. How dare you judge her and her fitness as his wife? As long as they are married, he is CHOOSING her, as he should. No wonder she wants nothing to do with you...there you are, thinking (and no doubt acting like) you are a better friend to him than she is. Do you have any idea how disrespectful you are? Can you imagine how you would feel if some other woman who your husband was friends with felt that she could understand him better than you could? That you know what he feel and what he needs more than she does? How would you feel?

You need to learn to respect boundaries. You are waaaaaayyyyy out of line here, period.

I see where you're coming from. But, my opinion is that you have to step back. I don't think you necessarily did anything, but if you know Garry so well, then you have to know that he married his wife for a reason; meaning I kind of doubt that he married her because she is mean, doesn't know what he needs, and never does anything for him.

If they both were involved in this friendship, that's one thing, but if his wife is uncomfortable with his and your friendship, then that needs to be respected. It might work itself out in the end. But for now, I'd start trying to let it go.

Edit after SWH: L., one of the great things about this site is that asking questions will get you an array of different perspectives and opinions whether you agree with them or not. I like to think that the mamas (and papas) that take their time to read and answer questions really put thought into what question is being asked, and they answer honestly. So, if you don't ask questions to hear honest answers, I'm not really sure what you expect?

My husband is allowed to have friends with whoever is a positive person in his life. I don't care. Friends are great for people. BUT, if he was talking on the phone with another women 2-3 times EVERY DAY...big problem. That's absolutely ridiculous. If another women was his friend and clearly (trust me, it's probably really obvious) thought "his wife is not there for him like I could be," that's a big problem.

Reality: He is MARRIED. He doesn't get to need you more then her anymore. She is his wife. You don't get to be on the phone with him all the time. She is his wife. You don't get to think you are better for his life then her. Could she be a major insecure jerk? Sure!! But, you still majorly overstepped boundaries. You don't talk with another women's husband multiple times a day on the phone. You don't get to be more important and better then another man's wife. Sorry, but he chose his wife over you. That's would he SHOULD do. Take what is given to you out of the friendship, and stop fighting for more. You are trying to possess him, and place yourself of more importance then you should be as a friend. By your words I don't fully believe that you don't have romantic feelings for him. If my husband had a friend who I truly believed had feelings for him, I would be uncomfortable with her. And...you know...he might be uncomfortable with you, too. I know that would be a hard pill to swallow, but he's married. He might find your neediness off-putting, as well as his now wife. It's likely she always had a problem with you, but things change when you're married. She probably felt as a girlfriend, it was not appropriate to step in on this friendship. As a wife, perhaps she felt it was time to stop it.

I had a best friend like that too. He was great! We would hang out together, go dancing, go out to eat, talk 2-3 times a day. He was my best friend. He dated other women, I dated other men. And come to think of it, we never really met each others significant others. Maybe we were worried that we wouldn't have been able to continue being friends....who knows.
But, anyways....I totally get where you are coming from...I loved my best friend.

I married him after 5 years of being "best friends"

L.

YOU might think he needs you more than he needs his wife--but he doesn't...and if he does, that's a sorry comment on his marriage.
Sure, you can be friends with a man...no sex...etc ...but not this man. If you care about him, don't be a thorn in the side of his marriage.
Reverse the situation, what if your husband was BFFs with someone you didn't like and refused to "give her up" like this man is doing?
To me, this alone is enough of a character flaw for me to re-consider a friendship with the guy!
Garry is a big boy. Let him live his life and deal with the consequences (good or bad) of his choices in life.

I highly suggest you read the book Not Just Friends.
Also step back and put yourself in the wife's shoes. Try seeing what she is seeing. A woman who won't leave her husband alone,brags about being his BFF, brags that she alone understands him, Brags that the husbands needs her, drags the wife through the mud on a public board and the list goes on.
Have you ever thought that Garry was constantly talking you up when he first married his wife. To the point that it hurt her deeply and so her best way of protecting her marriage was to set boundaries with her husband which you and he both have decided to ignore on a regular basis. So yeah she has every right to "hate" you. You have meddled in her marriage even if you didn't know you were. Count yourself lucky she hasn't tried to drag you through the mud as a home wrecker. I'm not saying you are but if Garry was shouting your praises instead of his wife's praises,she is going to see you in that way. The best thing you can do is to STOP all contact and find another BFF preferably one that isn't married.

I believe you are a good friend, but this is a problem: "I just know that he needs me and his wife is not there for him like I could be. She doesn't understand him like I do."

Maybe she needs *him* to give her a chance to be there for him like you could and to understand him like you do. Sex is irrelevant. His wife needs room to be his best friend. As long as you are in that room, she can't be.

It's a shame about your daughters, and that would be the place to try to negotiate, if possible, and find what your new friendship might be like. But honestly, I'd leave it alone for awhile, at least until you begin to completely understand what I wrote here.

Would you REALLY feel OK with you if your situations were reversed - not because you suspected sex, but because YOU (the wife) wanted to be your husband' best friend? What if he was too emotionally intimate with his *old* best friend for that to happen?

I believe you just want to be a good friend. I honestly do. But I hope you get this. You think she is a terrible wife and can't give him what you can. Sex 100% aside, I am a wife who wouldn't be too thrilled with you either. And until you could accept that you needed to be *my*friend too, to support my marriage, and find a new friendship with my husband, I would *not* hate you....but I wouldn't want you around either.

N'est pas?

Best of luck to you.

I'm all for men and women being friends but I think you are being way too clingy and are crossing boundaries. You speak of having a broken heart, missing him, understanding him better, knowing he needs you and that his wife is awful....that's not supportive of his marriage.

Is there any chance that "Garry" shared your plans for swinging with your boyfriend and that "sex is just sex" with his wife (I read past questions)? He is married now and things are different. It sounds like Garry and his wife just want to live their lives....he chose to be married.

It's a shame you had to have a SWH rant when you received completely normal responses to how you are pining for your lost best friend.

You post is full of "I'm good, she's bad" and that's the problem. No wonder she doesn't want him to talk to you! It sounds like you are jealous that you can't retain your place in his life, romantic or not.

Step out of the relationship all together. It's the honorable thing to do. I don't see a problem with married people having friends of the opposite sex, but your attitude seems toxic to their relationship. Time to move on!

I have male friends, close friends. My husband has female close friends. But in the event that the other one of us felt uncomfortable we would let the other know and the friendship would have to stop. PERIOD. She has a problem with your friendship...she ranks over you.

Doesn't matter what she does or doesn't do for him, he chose her to be his wife. She and the girls are his priority.

Not saying it doesn't hurt you, not saying that your feelings are not valid. They are. However, she is uncomfortable with the friendship and that means no more friendship.

The best thing you can do for your friend? Stay away. Any involvement you initiate will put a strain on his marriage. If he respects her wishes to limit involvement with you, you need to respect that as well.

If I ever asked my husband to limit contact with a friend it would be because I thought I had a good reason. If he disregarded my wishes I would be mad and it would cause problems between us.

Is she right? Is she a crazy wacko? Is it fair? Who knows? She may be a terrible wife and a nut job but your friend chose to marry her and it now sounds like he is trying to respect her wishes.

As far as being there for him for him while his sister is sick - I'm sure you were supportive when you talked to him, and I am sure he knows he can contact you if he needs to. If he reaches out, be supportive and kind. If he doesnt... dont contact him. He has enough going on without problems with his wife too.

Also - i would keep my thoughts to myself - its hard not to talk to mutual friends about these things but the last thing he needs is for it to get back to his wife that you were criticizing her.

I know it sounds harsh - but, in this situation, being a good friend means staying away.

Edit to add: In response to "new post" - I am NOT saying that you did anything wrong. What I AM saying is that, for now, its a mistake to try to get your friend back. Any effort you make to get him back will cause problems for him and his marriage. As the good friend you are, I am sure that you dont want to do that.

first off, why DO you ask questions here when you get so hysterical at answers you don't like?
it's a shame the wife won't allow the friendship, but honestly i can see why. even after she's expressed her wishes (right or wrong) you and garry continue to text, and clearly are sharing intimate details about his marriage since you are so sure she is 'mean' and 'not there for him like you could be.'
he is betraying her trust, and you are gleeful about it.
i wouldn't want you around either, not because my husband would be remotely interested, but because people who act like that don't get to be in our sphere.
khairete
S.

There may be some jealousy there, and although you say that you have never felt romantically toward Garry, are you really sure about that? The statements " I just know that he needs me and his wife is not there for him like I could be. She doesn't understand him like I do" speak volumes. Althought you two never acted on feelings, saying those words would cause any woman to fear for the relationship that she has with her husband. Be kind to them both, don't alienate the wife and definitely let them BOTH know that you are praying for THEIR situation. When a couple marries, what happens to him, happens to her also. AND texting behind her back isn't helping your case any, step back now before things get really bad.

Gary is a grown man. Stay out of his marriage and out of his life since that is what he is clearly choosing. While you may think this married man needs you, he doesn't. Let his wife be the one he can turn to.

I suggest you pray for Gary and every aspect of his life.

For him to talk to you without his wife's knowledge says something about his marriage. It is not a good commentary either. I know all of my husband's female friends and how often he talks to them. He never hangs out with them any more and I'm always privy to every move he makes. Not because I'm controlling like that but because he is just that transparent. Same thing on my end.

In his wife's mind you pose a threat to her happy home. I wouldn't be comfortable not being my husband's first responder. Cut her some slack and let him have the marriage she is trying to work on. Their problems are so far beyond you don't get mixed up in it. Just stay away. Keep him and them and that in prayer but stay away.

Dear Amy,
It was very kind of you to support this friend through the difficult moments and you probably feel betrayed by both him and his wife now. But I could not agree more with most of the advices you received here. He is married now and if for a reason, his wife doesn't feel comfortable with your friendship, the best thing is to back off.
Please don't be upset if some of the answers here don't please you. People take time to read, think and give advices, in a candid and honest way. Most of the time, I would take time and think through and found that the advices are definitely helpful.
Good luck.

It's not what you did...

It's what he did.

MOSTLY LIKELY:

He made his wife feel insecure. How he did that, I have no idea. Maybe he pours his heart out to you, and never fills her in. Maybe he dropped everything (plan wise) to meet up with you, and ditched her. Maybe he lied to her (secret text messages sure sounds like he was lying to her). Maybe the first person he turned to with good news or bad was you instead of her. Maybe you were all he talked about (your life, your kids, what kind of parenting you would have done differently than she did, oh! L. would LOVE that dress, etc. etc. etc.). Maybe everytime she asks him for something he throws a fit, but you ask and he's johnny on the spot. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe... but it's usually a combo of many of the above and more.

Regardless... he hurt his wife with you. Doesn't matter if your male or female, he put her second, and now he's putting her first... trying to repair the relationship with his wife.

LESS LIKELY

He just married someone who is jealous and feels neglected and insecure for no reason whatsoever. Since those people are super rare, and it's usually a continuing breakdown of trust, this is less likely than option A.

The question I think maybe you need to ask is not "what are my intentions" (which are good) but "how does she perceive me" (as a threat).

I would tolerate my husband "having a fling" before I'd be able to tolerate him having a best friend other than me. That doesn't mean that he doesn't have other friends, and some of those friends fill roles I cannot and I recognize that... but I would feel threatened if I came into a scenario like his current wife did.

No offense to Garry, but I think he shared too much with his wife about your relationship, probably in an effort to be honest. (Not his fault, but sometimes too much information is not a good thing, when the general gist would suffice.)

You are not a bad person, and haven't done anything wrong. But his wife may never be able to hear that. Continue to be supportive of him, but don't push.

I haven't read the other responses. I strongly believe that men and women can be friends. I worked primarily with men and we formed friendships. However, the man had to be careful to include his wife in the friendship.

You know you're just friends. The wife doesn't know that. What you have to deal with is her perception. Just repeating the friendship part is not working with her. I suggest that you have to socialize with her so that she can see that you're just friends.

Yes, this change in your relationship is painful. I get that. Now you have to decide if you're willing to accept that change so that you can become friends with his wife or if not, let go of the relationship. Above all work at seeing this from his and his wife's viewpoint. Be sympathetic and not judgmental while you think about the ideas that have been written.

I would schedule an activity that included all of you including your significant other. If you aren't a part of a couple, I can understand her distrust even more. I was single and some wives didn't want their husbands being alone with me. Fortunately, the deputies did things together so that I was rarely alone with one man. If I was to socialize with a married man we included the wife.

Another thing that is hampering your friendship is that you don't like the wife. Even if you think you're covering your feelings up she can sense your disapproval. Would you like for your husband to have a friend, either male or female, who didn't approve of you?

I urge you to find a way to like the wife. Do you have anything in common? Can you sympathize with her insecurity? Can you stop judging her as being inadequate for her husband? She senses your feelings. I understand her jealousy.

I suggest that your friend needs to figure out how to provide his wife with more security. I understand his not getting together with you. Good that he tells his wife when he runs into you. Encourage him to do that. Also, respect that it's not good for him when you're seen as a threat to his wife. Respect her wishes and respect his decision to stay away. Don't put pressure on him.

Whether or not you get together is his decision. I'd respect him for respecting his wife's wishes. He is married and that has to change your relationship with him. He no longer has the time to talk 2-3 times a day. He doesn't need you when you put a strain on his marriage.

I suggest that if you can let go of your jealousy and begin to accept his wife that you could become a part of THEIR circle.

I've now read the other responses. Only 1 person said that men and women cannot be just friends. As to asking questions here, if you don't want to hear another side to your situation, don't ask the question.

I urge you to really think about what is said here. If you don't understand or agree with the answers then ignore them. When you become angry and defensive you're saying that we've touched a nerve with you and you know on some level that some of what is said is true. If it weren't true you could say, well that's their opinion. I don't agree, without getting emotionally upset.

Please take a good look at your expectations. You cannot be his best friend any more. To have a friendship at all you have to respect him and his marriage.

Your words are threatening to any woman who his romantically linked to him. Not to say that you are or want to be, however your words are threatening - if any female said that about their relationship with my signifigant other I would feel threatened and we both have male/female best friends and neither are threatened by the other. I think you should talk to the wife and find out if there is anything you can do for the family to help and if she says there is nothing you can do then just let her know you are available. I would stop communicating with HIM and change your relationship with HER if you want to salvage this situation.

Back off! Get out of this woman's marriage! Find a new friend! Move on!

I didn't read the responses but guarantee I agree with most of them. I flip off the handle if I find my husband texting and calling with another female. It's inapporpriate no matter what he situation.

I have two good friends who are male. I talk to them on the phone a total of two times a year and text occassionally. One just broke up with his gf and he wanted someone to talk to. I told my husband every conversation and he was helpful in passing advice to my friend.

The other one sometimes is inapprorpiate in his comments (he and I never dated, but should have...sometimes it feels like he is the one that got away).

Either way, I know neither relationship is appropriate to talk to them on a regular basis. My husband truly does not care and does not think I should care about him having female friends, but I do.

Garry's wife would not have a problem if she trusted you two. If she doesn't trust you, something happened to make it that way. May have been something you and Garry saw as innocent, but it wasn't to his wife. She is not the bad person here.

I agree that you need to see where your boundaries here and it is not your choice. The choice lies with Garry and his wife. If he respects his wife, then he will stay away from you. Even if you don't see yourself as harm. Unfortunately, you having a friendship with him is more harmful to him than not. You need to let go.

Good luck.

I think ultimately you need to come to terms with the fact that he chose to marry this woman. She might be a terrible wife, she might not "understand him" like you do, but then again, you don't really know because you aren't there. You don't talk to him or see him much, so to presume that you know the intimate details of his marriage is your main problem. Time to find a new friend and leave this couple to deal with their problems themselves.

Well for whatever reason she felt threatened - whether you felt there was reason for it or not she felt threatened and she is his wife. Perhaps it was because he spent a lot of time with you and she felt she should be the #1 woman in his life.
Send a "thinking of you" card to his family saying you are sorry they are going through this rough time and you'd like to be there for them anyway they need you.

I read your SWH and I can understand you are frustrated but please don't be frustrated at the answers you are given - many times we ask a question to get anothers point of view and people are being open an honest about how the situation is looking and why you have seemed to get blown off. I don't think anyone is trying to upset you - just telling you another angle.

I feel for you, I really do.

I dont have any suggestions to give you thou.

I had a best friend for 20 years that was male. We were best friends while we were both married ( to other people). We were best friends during our divorces. We were best friends until he got with his girl friend two years ago. She was very jealous of me! She even told me one time she wished he would confide in her like he did with me. Well we had 20 years to get to that point... she was only there for 2. Well to make things easier for him I respected him enough to cut him out of my life just to make his life easier with her. He is still with her and they both are miserable, it breaks my heart.

Wish I could give you more advice, but I can't. Just wanted to let you know I understand and my heart goes out to you.

I think you need to back out of the friendship until Garry decides that he can stand up to his wife.

There must be something there, otherwise why would Garry have married her? You say she doesn't understand him like you do, but how do you know that? If Garry is discussing the state of their marriage with you, it is no wonder that he wife doesn't want you hanging out with Garry. She is probably trying to be her husband's best friend and perceives you as being in the way of that.

The ball is in Garry's court; you have to wait and see what he does with it. In the meantime, find another friend and trust that your friend will figure out what's best for himself.

I totally understand where you are coming from.

I have many men friends that are just friends.
My husband also has women that are just friends.

I have been married to my husband for 30 years,.. No shenanigans over here.

But there really are women, that just for whatever reason.. just cannot believe in platonic relationships between their partners.

Of course you and I know it is all innocent.

Insecurity is the main problem in those marriages.. Self esteem issues also..

And so I guess you need to speak with your friend and his wife and see if they are comfortable with all of you being friends. You and Gary need to always include the wife.. Not a big deal, if she can put her big girl panties on with out them twisting into a wad...

The friendship has now changed.. and you need to let Gary have a peaceful marriage.. It will be up to him to decide what he married is what he thought he was getting into..

You can always write the family a card letting them know you are sorry to hear about the sister/aunt that is so ill..

But just stand back and watch them implode.. I have seen it many times in these situations.

As Oprah says. "Women can hide their CRAZY for a long time to get a man." Looks like she is one of them..

I have a friend who happens to be a guy and we have been friends since we were 14...we are both married, so I know that yes, you can have a friend of the opposite sex and not have it mean anything else.

However, the tone of your post is what is probably raising red flags to the rest of us. I have my married guy friend - but I am not his sounding board or his shoulder to cry on. That is what his wife is for. If he was having these issues such as what you are describing, I would maybe have my opinions, but my opinions would mean nothing - this is his problem for him to solve and maybe it's not as much of a problem as you think it is. Meaning, if he doesn't see it as a problem, don't start making it worse. I would never text my friend in secret or try to meet up with him without his wife finding out. Cheating doesn't have to be just physical - it can be emotional as well and that is what sounds a little bit like what is going on here.

Sorry if you are not getting the responses you were looking for, but this is a site comprised of other moms, most of whom are married, or in long-term committed relationships. And none of us would be too happy if our husbands or SOs were carrying on this level of friendship with another woman behind our backs. You may be right about his wife, or you may be wrong - but it does not matter, it is not for you to say. I don't blame her one bit for feeling the way she feels. I would strongly suggest you butt out and let them figure things out for themselves. He married her - not you.

hi,
Well , i seriously can understand her.Sorry but if my husband was even just talking to someone other than me 2/3 time per day,i'll be ballistic too. Now my own husband had to be very close to a female coworker for a year and that did make me uncomfortable and it was for work reason that they have to communicate that much. They often had coffee place meeting,lunch ,dinner and no my husband wasn't cheating .They had meeting once/twice /three times a week not 2/3 time a day and that didn't drive me ballistic but i sure wasn't happy about it and very glad when it did stop.And i felt better about her when they started inviting me along.This coworker is out of his life now and I am seriously more comfortable that way.
If there is seriously nothing ,you should be comfortable with her coming along and don't over shadow her.She is the wife you are just the friend sorry clear and simple.I do not reproach you anything ,just letting you know what will have me uncomfortable since i have been in her shoes and this was for work reasons.So, if you want to know here is the sentences that you say that will have been "red flags " to me if i knew you were feeling that way which Gary's wife might know or have noticed."i just know that he needs me and his wife is not there like i could be" Red flag 1 ,you seems to think that you'll be more best friend than the wife....i will see it as a slippery slope....Once again just being honest with you as i have been there...."his wife is mean and does nothing for him ever" To me this is already starting to go on a slippery slope Why you might say? well you seem to think you are better than the wife at reassuring Gary....Did you ever stop to think from her perspective and how this thought of your might make HER feel? I say if you truly care about Gary ,gave them space......They are newly married of course they do not want you in the middle...If you really wanted to stay friend wit Gary.....You could email the wife but not like you said EH what's up with you but in an understanding way like I know i might seem treatening to you since i have been friend with Gary for so long but you have nothing to worry about and meant it...(sorry but your email doesn't reassure me on that part because of the fact that you seems to think you might be better than the wife at reassurring Garry) ,offer to babysit for them if you really do not have any more feeling than just friend for Garry...and see Garry only in her presence .Common they newlywedd give them space for at least a year or so.If you really miss the girls tell the wife so and offer to babysit so they can have a hot date...and if the wife said no then she said no....at least you try an honest and civilized way to connect with Garry without putting his wife out of the equation or down.Once again not reproaching you anything just giving you the possible wife perspective on this.
N.

You erased yours I will change mine. You still don't seem to get friendship is a two way street that you actually care nothing about what he needs and only what you want makes me think you are not the good friend you think you are.

You are not a threat to his relationship, but his wife does not see it that way. To her you are a huge threat and she does not want her husband to have a female best friend. I don't think you can ever change her - that is just the way she is. She was probably jealous of your friendship and she probably suspected it was more than a friendship in her husband's mind....or your mind. Anyway, I'm sorry to say I cannot see her ever changing her mind. If you continue to text your friend then you will continue to cause drama in his marriage. I totally disagree with this woman and I agree with you that a man and a woman can be good friends. We are not jealous of each other's friendships, but some people are not this secure. My husband and I tend to have our friends hang out with us as a family...so we ALL are friends and we all know each other very well. He does have a female friend who he does triathalon training with at lunchtime some days. It does not bother me in the least...I'm so glad they can work in some exercise during the day! Anyway, because your friend married a woman like this I don't see your friendship ever working out now. That sucks.

Some women just don't get it. They, just as guys, don't believe men/women can just be friends. As with the responses you have received, when words are used such as 'he needs me' they only think in the sense of a spouse/boy or girlfriend or with same sex friendships. Shame on those that can't think with their heads instead of their crotches.

I totally get where you are coming from! But as I said, many can't separate penises from vaginas, so platonic friendships rarely exist when one of them is married. That really is just how it is. You didn't do anything to his wife except have breasts and a vagina.

My husband has several 'girl' friends, most of them are co-workers. He traveled with one lady for 5 years all over the globe and not for one minute did I ever think anything was going on.

I wish you the best and I am sorry for what your friend is dealing with regarding his sister.

Peace and Blessings...

Don't get all mad at everyone. I typically am on the side of women can be friends with men. I have friendships like you've described. One reason I don't quit my job is bc I'd miss my guy friend too much. His wife calls me his work wife and we laugh about it. We were friends before they met and there's just not anything there either. So I do get it. But - remember you already helped him through one divorce and then he chose to marry this woman who sounds awful. Why? Was she pregnant? A first marriage when you're young, I can understand an awful choice. But with experience under his belt, he made another bad choice? I know it's possible but it's also possible she's not that bad or she has her reasons for flying off the handle at certain things. And yes, I'm all for girl-guy friendships but if I felt like a girlfriend felt she understood my husband better than I did etc, I wouldn't want her to be friends with him either. It sounds like you made an effort for it to be the 3 of you but even then, there are plenty of women on here who don't seem to get that men and women can be jsut friends. And she's likef them. Not much you can do except send a nice card like people said and wait. If she's that bad, he'll divorce her. I assume they don't have kids together? If that's the case, easier for him to walk away. Nothing else you can do but say a prayer for him.

I know you're not a threat to his wife, but perhaps in her mind she sees it that way. At any rate, best friend or not, his marriage has to come first. He said vows to his wife, and if she'd like him to back off the friendship, you have to respect that. I know it's not what you want to hear, but unfortunately wife trumps best friend.

It does really suck for you and for your daughters, but that's how it is right now. If she's as bad a wife as you say, perhaps soon you'll be comforting him through another divorce. I am sure that he would like to avoid that, though.

Unless he can get it worked out with his wife, you just can't be friends. That's a shame. One of my best friends is a guy, and thankfully neither of his wives have had an issue with me and my husband has no issue with him. All of our friends have thought we had something going on at one time or another, but we just haven't. There's nothing there -it's like brother and sister. Some people just don't understand that though -they truly don't think people of the opposite sex can only be friends.

I think most people are hanging on the "she doesn't understand him like I do" and can't be there like you can.... if you re-read it... you have to admitt it sounds like you think you are better for him than her, and most woman would be uncomfotable with that...
However on flip side...to address all the other "men and woman can't be friends" people.... sorry I find that very immature and short sighted
My best friend for years was a man i met when I was in college and we worked together... stayed friends though college, grad school. I even lived with him and other friends for awhile, i called his mom , mom. there was NEVER anything between us. He like skinny little blondes and partying every weekend. I was a mousy brunette who liked to read and was a home body. He married his wife , who never really liked me much and slowly over the last few years he is completely gone from my life.... I do miss him... BUT i do not blame his wife (well at least only her) my friend had a choice and he made the choice to leave my life... that is on him not her.
Oh and just so ya'll know I am not a "do as i say not as I do".. my husband's best man in our wedding was his best friend... a woman. And I have never interferred with their friendship.

She must just be an insecure person. I think for alot of women it would be hard to accept a female friend to their new husband who they talk to so much and vice versa. There's really not much you can do. This is his wife, and if he's not going to point blank tell her that he's going to talk to you, what are you supposed to do?
I'm sure it's hard, but she's his wife. And he should pick her feelings over you, even if it sucks.

I'm sorry that some of these posts have gotten ugly. I hope you're able to see that
- he chose this relationship and is doing his best to to make it work
- he may be venting to you when things are bad without sharing all of the good that is in his life right now (since we all need a friend to whom we can vent)
Unfortunately (and I do say this from experience with very close male friends), most relationships change. Because many women fear an emotional rival more than a sexual one, I don't think you will get your friend back. It's too bad that your daughter has also been shut out. Help her through this - so she doesn't think that she did something wrong but she also learns that life isn't always fair. Hope your heart heals so you can move on...