Avoiding the Santa Conflict

T.,
I agree with you 100%. I have 3 daughters. 13, 7 & 16 months. I did the whole Santa thing for a while with my 13 year old but it stopped. Now we do not do the Santa thing at all. I never started it with my other two and they are fine. We still put up the Christmas tree and they get all the gifts they want, we may even sit out the big one overnight but they know where they came from. I have also sat with them and explained who Santa is and the good that he did but that he is not alive today. I have explained the true spirit of Christmas.

I don't think you are short changing her at all, I wish I would have had the brains to do the same. My kids think that Christmas is all about getting, getting, and getting. I would love for them to experience the joy of giving! So I guess it is all up to the individual.

Santa was always a fun part of Christmas for me and my little brother. Being raised in a Christian home, we still knew the true meaning of Christmas. Santa was explained to us as a symbol of the gifts brought to the Baby Jesus by the wise men, and that the spirit of Santa lives in all of us. We always "played Santa" for our parents because they were always naughty and we didn't want them to feel bad. We gave our used toys to needy children for when their parents didn't have money to give them gifts. We were Santa helpers.

I believed in a real Santa Clause for a while, but doubts still rose after a certain age and the kids at school started talking. I wasn't devistated about there not being a real Santa for two reasons. One because Santa was explained to me as the spirit of giving, therefore although the person may not be real, the idea behind him was very real. And second, because "Santa" never stopped putting gifts under the tree. Even the year before I was married, my brother and I, ages 19 and 16, still stayed up all night until our parents went to bed to sneak into the living room to see what "Santa" had left. We knew he wasn't real, but it was a fun tradition that we had together. (It was the only night of the year we actually got along!!!)

Only you can decide if you want your child to believe in Santa or not, and how you want him explained to your child. I personally am glad that I did!

I can understand your desire not to "mislead" your daughter. Honesty is always the best policy. However, is it okay to honor the memory of a kind hearted person? The legend behind Santa Claus is true and I believe he started in Holland or somewhere like that. He gave small trinkets to underpriviledged children that did not have any toys or something like that. Do a bit of research before you decide and it's been years (oldest is 24) since I have done that research. But here is what happens here at Carols place. Santa is celebrated as a spirit of giving to others that don't have. My reasoning for that is that Jesus is the reason for the season because God gave us the greatest gift of all, his son to pay for our sins. I have found a lithograph that I put out every year of Santa paying tribute to baby Jesus in the manger. I later found a similar picture in needlepoint and have done one for several friends and family. As questions arise, I talk to my children about the magic of Christmas depending on their age level and understanding level. How it is a time we celebrate our family, friends and others we care about. How we must honor the magic of Santa and the wonder of Jesus by giving to others unselfishly. The presents under the tree are a symbol of God's love for us as we give them to the recipient. We always have a birthday cake for Jesus on Christmas morning. I make it out of muffin mix so we can have it with breakfast. A small candle and you are good to go. Before we open presents we sing happy birthday to Jesus and as each gift is given we pass a blessing as well. Usually the blessing is something simple like "May you forever know God's riches" or "May angels surround you at work", whatever is appropriate. With little ones it helps to type them out and tie them to the gift until they are old enough to understand and make up their own blessings. Believe me as my daughter got older I heard some real whoppers and my favorite was when she was about 16 and her blessing to me that year was "May your daughter find it in her heart to love you like God loves you cause right now you are pretty difficult to love!!!" Silently I thought "right back atta ya sweetie" but I just smiled and said thanks while struggling internally not to bust out laughing. Yes, I did let my children visit Santa if they wanted to and they knew he was not real, only representing the spirit of giving. It also gave me some ideas of what they really wanted for Christmas so if they are comfy sitting on the big guys lap, that is okay. My kids get a few Santa gifts that fit into the stocking. I fill it with little fruit, nuts and small wrapped trinkets. It is usually okay that way. As they get older you might need to make it one gift wrapped but I found it great for special treats as my daughter got older like makeup, curling irons, gift cards for food treats, special pens for her yearly journals, anything that fits into the stocking is from Santa and I buy them throughout the year so it's not really expensive at the holiday time. As for kids that try to say Santa's dead and all that, my kids had no problem with that, cause they knew from the beginning that he was dead anyway and we were only honoring his spirit of helping others so the bully's got nothing outta my kids. You can mix the magic with facts but do your own research and figure out what you will tell your kids before the questions are asked. Preparedness on your part will alleviate confusion for your children. My blessing that I use a lot is one I will give you now, May you always have enough....
Merry Christmas, Jesus loves you
C.

I think it is up to you. But, if you plan on telling your daughter that Santa does not exist, try to keep her from telling other children whose parents do want them to believe in Santa. I dafinatly think children should know that the true reason for Christmas is the birth of Jesus Christ and NOT Santa giving them presents, but I always thought it was fun to receive gifts from "Santa" even after me and my parents knew we knew Santa wasn't real. But in the end, the final decision is yours and yours only.

Wow, I think this is sorta sad but I understand completely. I too feared the "Santa" thing. I didn't "do" Santa... you know what though... my kids brought Santa home anyway.

Now what are you going to do when she brings Santa home? Are you going to tell her there is no such thing and burst her bubble? I was faced with this choice myself and I just let it go to see how it would turn out.

If my boys want to do something like leave out cookies we only do it if they ask, and they are the drivers. I don't say no, I don't tell them Santa isn't real. They help make the cookies and I get a chance to spend another 30-45 minutes with them one on one!

When they ask about Santa I don't have any specific answers. I share with them my views on charity, forgiveness, kindness, and giving (the things Christmas, Jesus and Santa are all about). They usually take that and turn it into some big story about Santa and keep right on going.

As I suggested in another thread on the same subject if you are religious and your child brings Santa home... tell them the connection between Santa and Jesus, teach them your values and let them draw their picture of Santa themselves. Let them create the magic on their own based on the values of your religion.

My boys don't get presents from Santa. Our big presents are clearly marked as to who they are from and they are expected to say thank you. Occasionally if a toy isn't wrapped or marked the boys assume these things are from Santa (If nothing else the stocking stuffers). I make sure anything not marked is from me and is something inexpensive and small like a new hat, gloves and scarf.

Last year I was asked by my 8 year old son why Santa didn't leave lots of gifts because most of the presents was from friends and family. I asked him how many presents did he need. He said he had lots. I asked him if he thought there might be others with less, he said yes. After a short discussion of "need" vs. "want" and giving to those that are more needy my son decided that Santa "saved" more "free Santa" presents for people that would get less from their family and friends. He actually had a big elaborate Santa answer but that was the basics.

So the "Santa" at my house is now defined as the gift of giving and the spirit of charity. Every question they may ask can be used to share my views on these subjects and pass my values on to my children. When "Santa" is gone, these values will remain.

After all said and done, I am glad the boys brought Santa home. They made Santa a part of their lives and seeing them believe, have faith, and know the joys of charity and giving are good things. It takes a bit of work and reflection to make it something we can all live with but in the end I am glad we have "Santa"!

T.,

I completely understand your point of view on this. I do not usually answer many of these, but I felt I needed to give my 2 cents here.

We, as adults, all know that there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Great Pumpkin, the Tooth Faery, etc, but I feel that this is the beginning with a child to learn faith in something. No matter what your religion, you will be teaching your child your faith, sometimes it is easier to do so with something smaller and build on that. Also, keep in mind that your child will be around other children that do believe in Santa, etc and your child may feel the need to tell everyone that Santa doesn't exist, thus making you not so popular with parents.

I am not saying to do what everybody else does, but sometimes going with the flow isn't negative. For example. I am Pagan. My parents are Christian. I was raised Christian and made a conscious choice when I was an adult and had experienced several religions. I have an extremely strong faith, I just don't buy into the "subscription" of organized religion, especially those that are male dominated.

My parents will have the task of teaching my 2 year-old son about their religion. I will teach him about mine. He will be able to make an informed decision when it is time.

My son and I will be celibrating Pagan holiays, while we will join my parents to celibrate Christian holidays. I have informed my parents that I only want "Santa" to fill stockings, not to give "under the tree gifts" to help with the confusion of the 2 holidays: Christmas vs Yule.

I feel that my son will eventually learn that "Santa" is not real, but he will have the experience of the belief that will carry over and help him in his belief/faith issues in the future.

It is okay to let a child believe in a good icon that doesn't exist. I feel it helps them on their path to being a good person.

Just my opinion. I hope it helps some.

S.

Dear T.:
It's not exactly a lie. The core of the story has a grain of truth (a man giving presents to poor people without being seen). You can maintain traditional Christmas, and when she starts questioning Santa, you can tell her that it is to commemorate a good deed of a person who started what we know as St. Claus today. That way she gets the Christmas benefits and you don't have to lie. Kids will enjoy the Christmas presents for a while before they start doubting his existence.

In Germany, we fill a boot or shoe on December 6 to separate St. Nick from St. Claus (same thing as your stocking, only earlier).

I agree with your mom, kids will enjoy Christmas and they won't hold 'the lie' against you. By the same reasoning, you may want to cancel Easter eggs, and then your daughter will feel left out...

Regards,
W.

Hi Tivia,

I was raised believing in St. Nicolas... but most of all celebrating Jesus birth, and always remembering the comming of the the three kings.
Our holidays were not about gifts... although we did have times were I do remember leaving out our shoes by the window expecting gifts from St. Nicolas.. "Papa Noel" as I lived in Ecuador, S.A. Anyway, I understand you about the whole dilema of Santa Claus.
As a child not putting too much emphasis on Chritmas gifts, it was mostly times spent with my family that i remember with such love... but since the united states make such a big deal on Christmas, yet want nothing to do with religion as i see it.. Schools are not allowed to display much nowadays, so I wonder what wonderful memories our kids will remember.
With that in thought, I will share with you what my kids do, and what I talk to them about.
I am the daugther of a priest, and the photographer at church, so I am mostly at church when christmas eve comes. My kids nowadays celebrate christmas eve with us at church because they do this whole "Posadas" celebration from the 16th to the 24th.. this is a fun time for them. This is a tradition that comes from "Mexico", and our church adopts this since most of the parishioners are mexican... and although I am not mexican, I think this is the kind memory i want my kids to have.
My husband is Irish, and well, he had a whole different way of seeing christmas before me. His parents celebrated big time with Santa Claus, and so since my kids were little they've been getting presents from Santa on Christmas day... but also celebrating Christmas eve with my family... learning that although we may celebrate christmas with Santa, we still remember the true meaning of Christmas.
Lately, I've been talking to them about St. Nicolas, and reminding them that spirit of Santa comes on Christmas day to those good children... but sometimes santa has to spread his gifts in different ways, not always as toys, or gifts.. etc.

I want them to know that there are other children in the world that also need more than just gifts, they need food, and so we must help santa since there are so many kids...
My kids learn that they also have to give, and perhaps someday will forget about receiving, and just have great enjoyment like I do, in just giving.

It is really hard to just forget about Santa.. he did exist.. and for his memory we should give the children something to belive in...
Helpind them believe in some great spirit that comes to children ... will help you too... you will see the greatness of what believing does for your children... just teach them the stories from the beginning... so that they learn to appreciate all they get... this might be hard if you overwhelm them with gifts, so I try to do just enough, but always having htem give the toys they don't need to the less fortunate... or saving up money to buy toys to give to those they care for.. etc.
Then, when you see that they are old enough to know you are the one helping santa, they won't really feel bad.. they will know why you did it.. and they will appreciate that... and help you keep on giving... I think that was the whole purpose in the beiginning when remembering all the great deeds that St. Nicolas did... to learn not to be selfish... to learn to believe in the goodness of someone even if you don't know who is doing the goodness... because at the begining St. Nicolas did things secretely... he did it with love, and therefore later on was recognized... he was a great man, and therefore I do not feel so bad teaching my children about santa...
They love him, they wait for him... and still know that they main reason he brings gifts around this time is because we are joyful of Jesus' birth....

I hope you make the right choice for you.... whatever works for you... but also whatever works for your children in the long run. I think believing without overwhelming them with gifts is a good thing. Make sure you give in behalf of you on Christmas eve... and then gift just enough on christmas day from santa. Helping them understand that if we ask from santa, we must not ask too much since there are just too many children.. and that perhaps we should help santa too.. etc. You may see it fit to tell him much more.
Depending on how my situation is financially every year, it may be different. But this year since we are so busy with events at churhc and giving... I told my kids that Santa is only giving a few small things because he realized that there were some kids that forgot to write him a letter last year and he has to catch up to them too... and that perhaps I will help santa this year since he has so much to do..

I hope this helps you. You had a lot of positive input here, and I went on to research for you so that you can read more about St. Nicolas story if you decide to share with your child about him... I am hoping that is what you do since I think it would be sad if you let her be without the greatness of what St. Nicolas was about to begin with.
He was about "giving"... and people loved him for it... and therefore he tough us to give specially in this time of year... but while children are little teach them also to be humble with all they receive... since santa thought of them, they will give also... etc.
(ok, I know I keep on talkint.. sorry)
So here are the sites that will help you give a good detailed story of St. Nicolas.. and perhaps you can print a few of them that are meant for children so that you can read together... so she may know who is bringin presents under the tree.. and to send a little prayer his way of thanks.

This is the Story of St. Nicolas...:

http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/adx/adnick.html

"He was especially interested that families had enough to eat and a good place to live, that children got ahead in life, and that old people lived out their lives with dignity and respect. And he always loved the sailors living so dangerously on the sea. Without their ships, people everywhere would be without food and other goods they carried for trade"

This prayer for St. Nicolas is a good way of explaining that he is fact is a spirit that still exists....

http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/child/nick.html

More good sites to read on his story:

http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=38 This is a good site.

This is interesting..

http://www.juntosociety.com/christmas/stnicolas.htm

A letter to childin doubt:
http://www.juntosociety.com/christmas/yesvirginia.htm

http://www.juntosociety.com/christmas/truemeaning.htm

This sites are nice for children too:

http://www.santas.net/stnicholas.htm

http://www.santas.net/aroundtheworld.htm

This is a good site to learn how others celebrate Christmas... without ever forgetting Santa Claus..

http://www.santas.net/southamericanchristmas.htm

Email to santa:
http://www.santas.net/email.htm
http://www.santas.net/welcome.htm

And last but not least... a story for children with pictures
http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=508

The real Santa:
http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=167

A perfect story to tell when they are much smaller (like your baby) http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=541&artic...

I hope you enjoy researching... because your question I found those sites, Thank you! I am going to share it with my kids too.

Have a great Holiday with your baby!

C.

Our kids will know about Santa but they won't believe he is real. I'm against making my children beleive in something that isn't real no matter what it is. I also want them focused on the real meaning of Christmas. As for having an imagination...kids can use that for whatever they want and I have no problems with make believe. But I want them to know fantasy from reality. JMO and I will try my best to teach my children not to tell other's there is no Santa. That is not our place.

I think you are a little off on your what you may think Santa represents. I would hope everyone, even as adults, still believe in the spirit of Christmas, which when we are children is Santa. There is nothing wrong in believing in something. Don't let your child miss out on this simple child hood fantasy. It provides hope, imagination, love and the spirit of giving.

At first I wasn't going to post anything about this, but the more I think about it the more I decided I wanted to.

I think that every parent struggles with the question of whether to play along with the Santa idea or to never introduce it to your children.

I have a 13 month old son and from the time that I found out I was pregnant with him I debated on whether or not to let him believe or not. His father and I have constantly gone back and forth on it.

But, Santa is everywhere! And your child will pick up the Santa idea just like every other child does. Even though my son is still too young to know or care about Santa, my family and friends will say things like, "What is Santa going to bring you?" At first I would get irritated, but then I realized that it wasn't that bad.

Now, I find myself getting excited about letting him believe in Santa. I'm excited that he gets to experience the wonderfulness of childhood-and part of that is Santa.

And, just because you're religious doesn't mean you can't have both. I've just decided that I'm not going to go "over board" with the whole Santa thing. Like, Santa will not leave him a zillion toys. Because I want him to know what Christmas is really about too.

And Santa (before he was comercialized) represented more than presents. Today's Santa was born from St. Nick. If you're not familiar with the story of St. Nick look up all the details about it and you will find that he was much like Jesus. He was orphaned as a small boy, but had a lot of money left to him by his parents. So, he went around buying gifts and necessary things for those who did without. Now, why would I not want to share that story with my son? St. Nick is an inspiration to us all.

Tell your child that Santa is about giving to others without expecting something back. Not about getting presents. But that Santa just wants to set an example for everyone else around the world that we should give and take pride in giving and not receiving.

Good luck with your decision... but I would say go ahead... let your child be a child.... Because one she grows up... there will be no more room for pretend and all that will be left are bills and deadlines.. haha So, let her have as much fun as she can while she still is young enough to believe that a person could actually exist that is as selfless and amazing as Santa.

When I was a child and growing up we always had Santa at my grandma's house. It never was much of a secret that "Santa" was an uncle dressed up, or even once Grandma herself. It was a rule that in order to get a present from Santa you had to sit on his lap, old or young it didn't mater. This has become a wonderful memory that I will always keep. This year my grandma passed away and there will be no Santa. It is something that I will greatly miss.

Christmas at my Grandma's was always a huge event. Not with the presents, those were few. It was more the event. We sat around and sang Christmas hymns and taught the young children what Christmas was about, Christ. We also taught them the about the real Santa. I think there can be a fair trade between fiction and facts. Why Santa isn't the center of our Christmas in our family he does play a role. I think it is important to tell our kids the true story of Santa and show them that Santa isn't about reserving it's about giving. Just as Santa did.

I want to teach my daughter that every gift she recieves is a Gift from GOD because it was HIM who has provided for us. It is GOd who blesses us. I want her to know who to thank for all of her provisions. My husband and I are not her source but only a means of which God gets things TO her. Sam eas my husbands job. His job is not our source but only a way through which GOD provides. So I do not think i wlll be introducing my baby to santa either.

I believe that there are "Santa's" everywhere. There is no replacement for the hope in a child's eyes, or the way they light up when some hope and compassion are needed to help them get through a time that makes them feel "different" (in the cases of familes who need some assistance). As far as our own kids, it's up to them, if they want to believe and have that hope, I am not going to quash it, if they ask me, I will tell them the truth. (My 10 year old daughter has asked about the Tooth Fairy, but isn't even touching Santa). When she feels like "growing up" she will set aside this childhood belief. Until then, why not let her feel good, and have hope and dreams. Isn't that what dreams are? We don't usually tell our children that dreams can't come true if you work at it, anything is possible... why should this be different? I am betting we all believe there are angels among us. I am not going to tell my children different just because we can't see them. It's in peoples actions, especially during this season. Our family donates time at the food bank for instance once a quarter. So our children understand the meaning of giving time, and not money and things. And besides, it just feels good, and makes them feel good.
Do what's in your heart, but if there wasn't a glimmer of something magical there, I don't think you would have made this post.
P.S. My kids were terrified of Santa at 2 also, but then again, I was afraid of Big Bird until I was old enough to get the concept. Now Santa is a great part of their holiday because he is a symbol of the season, not the "reason for the saeson".

T., I don't have the answer for you but I am going through the same predicament. My daughter is just a baby but my husband said to her, "Santa's coming to town". It stuck me as wrong to lie too. Why do I feel this way when I was brought up with Santa too (although my parents are highly religious). Christmas also reminds me of greed. My stepson has had quite the bad attitude lately but still expects tons of gifts. I always got a lot of gifts at Christmas too so why should it bother me? I'd like Christmas to be about Jesus' birthday not how many gifts your're going to get. We are going to discuss it over the holiday so I'll let you know what we come up with.

I am 56 with 3 grown daughters who grew up not having Santa Claus in the house. I have never met anyone else who feels the same. I did not want to lie to my children. And I remember how conflicted I felt when I was a kid and the Santa stuff didn't make sense any more. It was a big disappointment. In our house we didn't talk about there wasn't a Santa--he just wasn't talked about if we could avoid it. He did not bring our kids gifts. Their gifts were wrapped and under the tree from us. The girls are alive and well today without having Santa in their life. They don't feel they missed anything. Also, it helps focus on the reason we celebrate Christmas--Jesus' birth.

T.,

This is something I really struggled with when I became a mother. My parents told me right from the start that there wasn't a Santa. They said that when they found out the truth, they were devestated and felt they could never trust their parents again. They went on to tell me to be grateful that I was told the truth because all the other parents are liars and not as good as they are. (The irony in that is my parents are both compulsive liars and I learned as an adult not to believe anything they said.)

I always wished I could believe in Santa, even wanted to put out cookies and pretend, but pretending was highly discouraged at home as well. As a parent, I wanted to give my children a chance to enjoy the magic, but was terrified that they would never trust me again when they learned the truth.

So I found a compromise. I never came out and told them there was a Santa. I read them books like "Twas the Night Before Christmas," took them to sit on Santa's lap and had gifts in their stockings on Christmas morning. I let them draw their own conclusions. They also think Elmo, Snow White and Buzz Lightyear are real and I don't see a point in correcting them. They will figure it out when they are ready.

I did this accepting that there is a chance that they could some day come to me complaining that I deceived them. If they do, I will sit down with them and explain why I made the decision I did and that I thought about it long and hard and felt what I did was right at the time. I will ask them to forgive me if I hurt their feelings. It is the best I can do.

I will say that Santa is about 2% of our Christmas celebration. The other 98% is about baby Jesus and giving and sharing with those we love and those who need our help. I feel that we have struck a good balance for our family. What you do is a parent is obviously up to you. I guess you just have to search your feelings and do what you feel is right for your family.

Best wishes,
S.

Hi T.,
Santa does not bring all the gifts under the tree in my house, he only brings the ones that have not been wrapped and show up after everyone is asleep. Thus no handwriting. Brent and Brenna do know Jesus and they are still kind of young, but I am trying to explain the meaning. I dont think you would be wrong to tell her the truth. But Brent gets so excited to tell Santa what he wants for Christmas, they even have stuff at school where you eat breakfast with Santa and go to the mall to see him, and it's kind of nice as a mom to be able to threaten to call Santa.
I really liked this link
http://www.juntosociety.com/christmas/stnicolas.htm

T.,

I read your request as I read many of the responses and really had to sit here and figure out if I "should" respond....this topic can get a bit sticky when others really start bringing religion into it. Anyway, I had to.... As a child, I grew up in a Catholic enviroment - I went to public school but also attended CCD (Sunday school). I was always taught the "true" meaning of Christmas but yes, we (as normal children) loved the gifts! As I got older (I was the youngest of two) I started to wonder...that year, my grandfather came to our house dressed as Santa, my parents woke me up and had me come downstairs to see "Santa" and to sneek up on him. I watched in amazment, he turned around and did the "shhh" move and I went back to bed. I have to say....I am about to be 29 and that is one of the best memories for me as a child. When I was actually told about Santa (and figured it out too) I was not upset nor did I feel "lied" to. I did not see this as a bad thing. I really do not see it as some horrible "lie" that many are mentioning....as long as you explain what Christmas is all about (and at 2, he/she really would not even have a clue) and they knew the true meaning of Christmas, that would be best. I really would not take that from her....allow her to experience Christmas, Santa and all the wonderful things about this time of year. She does not have the choice to choose if she believes or not. Maybe don't make it all about the big gifts, use other suggestions here, make your own traditions etc... I agree with someone above that we all know as adults that certain things are not real (easter bunny etc...) but it is important for the children to "believe" in something. I wish you the best with your decision that you are making for you and your child. I know it will be a tough one but really think about it. You are in the right mind set that yes, this will be tough as she gets older and makes friends. If she were to mention anything (and kids say the darndest things even if you tell them not to) you could cause many other kids to question or even worse....for kids to be mean to yours about it. To each his own and no, I am not saying to do as others do and to be a follower, just really think about it....allow her the chance to believe and to feel the excitement of Santa!

I grew up like Stacey and feel the way she does. We did have Santa, and it was always fun, but Christ was never left out of the picture. We did all of the church things surrounding Christmas, had an advent candle in our home, and did things for those less fortunate. I was almost 6 when my sister was born, so her first Christmas I was nearing 7 and my mom first told me that she and Dad were Santa's helpers (just like the Santas at the mall, etc.), and I got to help put out the baby's Christmas with them. That is a heck of a lot gentler than telling a child, "Oh, by the way, there ain't no Santa!" A lot of times it is in the delivery of the truth. I think that you can strike a happy medium and have it be fun without compromising anything, but it just takes a little conscious effort.