Attitude Problems

T. - I don't think you should consider this normal behavior. I'm no psychologist - just a mother, also - but a child that age showing this sort of agression suggests that he's angry about something - maybe sibling rivalry. If I were you, I'd get that hitting thing under control because that could get him in real trouble later - with friends who are bigger than him or teachers, etc...Good luck!

I can be honest in saying my almost 5 year old has the same attitude.
Good luck! I wish I could help since we are in the same boat attitude wise

Hi. Sounds like he may be confused and maybe angry. Sometimes its hard(from personal experience of my own not my kids) going back and forth between mom and dad's house. Are your rules the same(at dads and moms houses)? Consistancy is a BIG must with small children. Hope things get better soon!

I have a day care at home and a t hree year old was choking our baby 19 mos so I think what happens is they a re playing the the babies get into their stuff and they will do that. But yes, he could be jealous but my 10 yr old will also argue about things. Most of the time she is a good child but that mouth scares ne as is this a what I have to look forward to. I was a second wife on both of my husbands and I had children with a step son. My step son was a only child and played a lot alone. He rally may feel that baby gets daddy all the time and he does not. But the more visits from dad the harder it always was for me and my children. They stayed up late all week end and it was about three days before I could get them turned around back into a school schedule again. They calso came home crabby. G. W

oh girl i can feel your pain, my son will be 6 next month and for the past 2 he has been awful! but i recently found out he has ADHD...and since he has started a mild medicine he is so much better. your kiddo may not have adhd but there may be something else going on. talk to your doctor. there is also a condition called ODD. Do some research, you'll feel much better! Good luck.

I would recommend Love and Logic. On their website is several different resources...books, dvds, conferences, etc. My children (1 and 2 years) are not that old yet, but when they have hit we have put them in their room. We do not tolerate hitting....I don't think that is normal at 5; maybe 18 months or even 2, but once they have words, this should not be normal unless he is not being 'heard' or maybe does have an impulse issue.

Hi T.,

I think most children at that age are testing the waters to see what they can and can't get away with. I can imagine though it isnt easy for him if you and his father are divorced. He may be showing a bit of anger about the changes. Give him lots of love as well as explain to him why he cant act certain ways. I am sure it will get easier. I hope so anyway! I have 2 girls one is almost 4 and the other will be 2. My 3 year old is just starting to get an attitude. =O
Good luck.

V.

My 5 yr old daughter has always been a very spirited child, but not hyper. She's always been independent and outspoken and I encourage her individuality, but she was most of the time well behaved. But after starting Kindergarten, she changed quite a lot. She doesn't hit, but she argues constantly, talks back, cries at the drop of a hat about everything(which is unusual for her)!! We've talked to her and her teacher and found that there are no problems at school, either academically or with another student, so we ruled that out.

I can't explain the reasoning why she's changed recently except to think it's just her changing as she ages, but we are dealing with it one day at a time. We make sure to praise her consistently for days when she does really well, or even for just situations that she handles well. We were doing this before, but now we make an even bigger deal out of the good behavior. This seems to help some.

We are contemplating utilizing the behavior color chart they use in her Kindergarten class at home. They start every day on green. If they get in trouble once, they change their color to yellow (verbal warning). If they get in trouble again, they change it to blue and have to have time-out. The last and worst color is red and then they call the parents and spend some time talking to the principal. Of course, we'd tailor it to a home instead of school, such as making red's punishment be something more like losing her favorite toy or her TV time for the rest of the day. We haven't decided for sure whether we want to use this chart, but I really like the idea of it. Maybe this is something you could use at home with your son that would help him be more motivated to behave better.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

Hi T.,
First of all...they DON'T all hit. If his behavior continues it is because he is getting some type of a response that he wants from you. Pay no attention to his tantrums and when he does something that is WRONG...put him in his room until he is ready to act right...if he comes out, put him back. He will come out for a loooonnnngggg time, but eventually he will STOP. Be thorough and follow through with any threats you make the first time. He will adjust. good luck!

So it seems that talking back is a learned trait. I would suggest nipping this in the bud. I have an 11 year old who loves to argue any point and it has now rubbed off on my 4 year old. Nothing like a sassy pre-schooler!

5 is still so very young. When your son talks back I would just quickly address the remark, remind him that this kind of talk is not allowed. If it continues remind him again and remove him to a quiet place where he can consider his behavior (a time out). My mother has been in eduaction for over 30 years and is currently an elem counselor. She still has to remind me that it is not OK to discipline from afar (yelling across the house). When a child messes up, stop what you are doing, go to them, get on their level and look at them in the eyes and address your concern. Have them repeat it back so you know they "get it".

If all else fails send them to their room, a bare room, take ALL of the fun stuff out. They have to earn everything back. I wish you luck.

T.,
It sounds like he is having a hard time going back and forth between the two houses with such inconsistencies in discipline and routine. It could also be that he is somewhat smarter than the average 5 yr old. and he isn't being stimulated enough to keep him focused. Overall it just sounds like he is lashing out. I had a friend who's son did the exact same thing except he was physically abusing her. She allowed it to go on for too long (not saying you are doing that at all!) and wound up sooo regretting it. They eventually put him into karate so he would have an outlet for his energy and "anger" at the recommendation on their pediatrician and the transformation in this child was NOTHING SHORT OF A MIRACLE!! Maybe you could look into that. Also, I would make an appt. with your pedi just to make sure there is not something else going on, physically or mentally. Good luck and I hope it is resolved very soon!
M.

As a lot of the ladies mentioned, there may be some issues going on with him and his surroundings. Bottom line though, he needs to know that his behavior is unacceptable. If I lashed out at my coworkers or my husband because I was bored, there would be consequences. As parents we have to teach our kids proper behavior and at five years old, he's certainly old enough to learn. Show compassion for what he's dealing with (whatever it may be), but teach him the best way to handle it next time he feels that way. My daughter is three and we're already teaching her to 'handle things in a better way next time'. It takes consistency and patience, but she definitely responds to our suggestions (most of the time). Its hard, but I just have to remind myself "I'm the parent!". If I don't teach her these things, she's going to be socially ignorant and either hurt someones feelings and not care, or someone will lash out and hurt her. I also remind myself that if I don't handle this with her, someday someone who doesn't love her will handle it.

Good luck, parenting is the hardest job I've ever had!

T.,
If you do not like something your child is doing, try to calmly sit down with him and tell him. Share moments of quiet love to reach him. When he upsets you, calmly redirect him and then take a moment to collect yourself.
As far as his dad playing he says she says or I think he does, it is at his dad's house so he will have to step up and be dad. If he is not mature enough to handle him, then he should not have such flexible visitations.
Be consistant, a wishy washy schedule is not good for most children.
When ever my boys were having smart alecky moments, I came to realize it was their cry to one on one time.
Just some thoughts,
M.

I am pretty sure it is an age thing. He is showing that he wants to be independant and in control of his life. My son did the same thing at that age(but wasn't hitting), and is much better at 7 yrs old, but still wants control of his life. We started using consistent consequences for unwanted behaviour and tried to give him more opportunity to make decisions. As an example, if I tell him to go take his bath and he politely asks to wait until his show is over then I try to agree. But if I ask him and he talks back rudely or says no or throws a fit, then he gets a consequence and doesn't get to watch his show. You have to teach him the right way to get what he wants, and he has to learn that he won't always get what he wants...life is a compromise.
On top of everything, your son has added stress of having two families and two sets of rules to remember and follow. My son (who is my step son and we have full custody also) always has more trouble after coming home from a visit to his other family. I know it can be rough but try to keep your calm and help him keep his too!
Also, I learned that it was useless to try and reason with my son until he had calmed down. I now have to send him to his room to calm down and won't go in and discuss the situation with him until he has control of his emotions again. This was hard at first but has taught him to calm himself and then discuss a situation instead of argue about it.

I have a now 17 year old stepson who has lived with my husband and I for 11 years. He had a difficult time after his dad and I got married, and visiting his super-permissive mother caused even more problems. When my now 4-year old son was born, the demon in the then-13 year old really came out! Counseling helped some, but the biggest help for us was a book "Boundaries With Children" by Henry Cloud.(It may be "for children") It really helped us to strengthen our parenting skills and made a world of difference for my stepson. It helped us to be consistent and therefore life was easier on him.