At My Wits End Right Now.

Wow.
Way to act out because Daddy's enjoying something that isn't centered around her and he's literally not at her beck and call.
And to have a blow up all over "Hi Daddy - I miss you" seems over the top to my way of thinking.
I mean, yeah - she cares for Daddy - I get that.
But at the same time it's not life and death news we're talking about here.
I think it's good for kids to realize at some point parents have a life of their own that doesn't 100 percent of the time revolve around the kids.
Even the most loving, involved parent gets some time off once in awhile.
And how much you want to bet once she's a teen you're going to have trouble getting her to tell either of you the time of day.
You and she both need to chill a bit and quit being mad at Dad.
Some weekend you guys should reverse it and you should go out and leave Dad with daughter and see if she flips out over that, too.
It's about time she learn a little about anger management - it'll be a work in progress but now's a good time to start.

I dont think you should have even made the phone call, let hubby enjoy his trip away. I dont think you should punish her since you kind of let this happen.

She's acting out, because... Daddy will not answer the phone.
She is young. This is how they express their inarticulate emotions.
She is as miffed about it, as you are.
Except she is a child.

Show her other ways, of expressing frustration.

You said, "this makes me horridly mad", concerning your husband did not answering. Really? And then your daughter had an out of control response too? It sounds like you gave her the lead in how to respond to the situation by letting yourself get mad over this too.

Ps- I get that way sometimes too, and I have to remember to keep calm. Don't feel bad about your reaction, I think we all get mad about something at one time or another. Good luck!

No offense....you knew dad was going out of town and you were okay with it. Why the fuss over trying to call him? He's at a gun show. He may not even have cell service in the building where he's at. You're upset because WHAT IF your child was in the hospital. She isn't. You're mad because he's not answering and it's had a domino effect. Dad can't talk right now. His phone isn't working. We can talk to him later.
The world isn't ending because dad didn't answer his phone.
Both of you calm down and take a walk or go to the park. Quit calling dad because I'm sure you've left messages.
Go and enjoy your day and calmly talk about how we don't have fits and tear things up because we're mad.

Just my opinion.

Wow. I'm guessing she's 2.5 or older, wanting life her way every minute of every day. Well, this is your teaching moment, on many levels. And, don't be sorry for losing your temper, you have a right to have your child behave.

In dad's defense, if he's somewhere where there's a cell phone blocker he CAN'T answer your calls. Also, somewhere along the line people decided that if a person carries a phone they're obligated to answer it NOW. Ummm, no. That's why we can turn the the ringers off, divert calls to voice mail, (not saying he did this) etc. IF you haven't previously talked with him and told him that you expect him to answer your every call you seriously can't expect him to know. If there's an emergency you need to leave a message and tend to it, as it would take him hours to arrive home anyway. And, sorry, there are times it's impossible to comply. That's why we can leave messages and send texts. This is something you could explain to your daughter, "Daddy's busy and can't answer right now, but that's OK, we're going to leave a message and tell him we miss him and love him and we'll talk to him later," and smile to show her it's OK. And don't keep calling or texting, wait on him. Children are teachable, regardless of the parents who think they're incapable of understanding and modifying their behaviors at a young age, and it's our job as parents to teach them so they don't grow up expecting their way all the time as if they're the only ones who matter.

Hitting and throwing things are totally unacceptable behavior for any child, any age, and if you don't get a handle on it now you won't have a prayer later on. It's OK to get angry, we all do from time to time, but it's definitely not OK to get violent and destructive, that's when we use our words. What do you think would happen if she did that in a store, restaurant, or a school setting? That they'd ignore, laugh or shrug it off? First you'd get the bill for damages and then a strong suggestion to take her to a mental health professional. And God forbid she hit another person in frustration or anger, yikes! Then you'd have to deal with an angry parent, and rightfully so. Talk to her and tell her in no uncertain terms that you are very upset with her behavior, and that she is never to do that again. Explain that from here on out there will be consequences for such behavior, something that will make her really think about doing the same thing again. (I'd also give her at least a small consequence for today's behavior, like no dessert or TV the rest of today.) Many parents think a time-out is a consequence, but if it doesn't make YOUR child stop unacceptable behavior it's useless for them.

Tell her when she is sent to her room she is to sit on the floor, bed or a chair, cry if she wants until she stops, and that screaming, (which is only acceptable when she's in trouble or hurt to alert you) hitting, banging or throwing things is never allowed and gets a consequence. She comes out when she's called you and received permission to come out, at which time you talk to her about her tantrum, discuss consequences for the behavior, "You know you just lost your trip to the park this afternoon, and you need to clean your room" etc., then hug her to let her know of course you still love her. (My eldest always asked me, "Mama, do you love me?" when he misbehaved and I always said of course I do and hugged and loved him, but he still had the consequence.) The fact that she said she was sorry shouldn't relieve her of consequences, it's just the beginning.

Seriously, she needs to put her room back in order, (if she pulled the mattress off you can help her with that) and I would make a mental note of what she threw or damaged and remove it from her room and place it in the garage, including clothes and toys. Putting them back should be contingent on her improving her behavior over time, and adding it back one item at a time. This may be the first time she's done this, I don't know, but that would be all the more reason to take things out of the room so she sees the seriousness of this. And, remember, making a special treat for her or taking her somewhere special today is rewarding bad behavior in her mind, even though you may think you owe something to her for your behavior, (you don't) which will increase the likelihood of her repeating today's performance.

When you talk to dad remember, none of your behavior or your daughter's was his fault, so don't make any accusations. Accept that in the future you can ask him to answer, but know that he can only do what he can do. And, he's entitled to his free time.

Also explain to her that we can't always get what we want, and that she has to accept that. Being spoiled about it isn't going to get us our way in life, and that's as it should be, we are but a part of the world, we don't own it and it doesn't owe us. The only thing a child is owed is the love, care and discipline of their parents.

Like I said, you have many teachable moments to act on, unless you want a life filled with turbulence.

God bless<3

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I would have disciplined her again if she continued 5 minutes once put in her room. And I would not have allowed the screaming for an hour (or 30 seconds) about anything other than injury in the first place. EVEN dad not answering the phone. And I would have disciplined her the minute she threw something once she I yelled at her to quit screaming (but I wouldnt' have yelled, because she would not have been screaming long enough for me to get peeved). My husband travels 8 months out of the year and my kids can't scream when he doesn't answer. You will be in trouble for teen years unless you decide to nip those fits!
What did you apologize for? Eventually swatting her and putting her in her room after tons of aggressive bad behavior? You did well, just too little too late! Firmly head the next episode off at the pass to avoid the escalation and apologies. It's not about dad and his phone, unless this is the first time she has ever acted like this, and in that case, maybe you'll never have this happen again.

Two suggestions: In the short run, your daughter needs understanding and a positivie distraction.

In the long run, I hope you'll read the most wonderful and wise little parenting book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. I've been using thier techniques with my grandson since he was 2.5, and it's still a wonderful approach now that he's 5.5. One of the emphasized principles is to let the child express his feelings, worries, upset, anger, and to listen patiently. When the child has unloaded (perhaps with many tears) while you empathize, ask a question that can help change the channel. In this case, it might be "So, what would you like to do about this right now?"

May I gently suggest, J., that you are upset with your husband's lack of contact, and your daughter is picking up on your anger and tension. Please be very conscious about how events like this can actually teach children how to be unhappy – exactly the opposite of what we want for our precious littles. However much ammunition you may gain by being able to tell your husband how upset his daughter was, you will lose far more than that by training a child to repeat your own least noble patterns.

Perhaps it's because I grew up long before cell phones, but instant contact is not absolutely necessary for healthy, happy survival. This is still true today, even though we have become habituated to think all communication must instantly satisfy. There's something weird about that.

I think you're overreacting. It's possible he can't hear the phone, isn't getting reception, is in the middle of something, sleeping, etc. He's in Vegas, he's there to have fun & he may not be checking his phone 24/7. I'm sure he'll call when he can.

As far your DD, she needs to learn that sometimes we can't have things when we want them, and sometimes we have to wait. It's a life lesson you can never learn too early.

Find something fun to do when Dad's gone instead of fretting over the phone.

You're the adult. You should have tried once, left a message and then went about your day, explaining to your daughter that sometimes phones don't work in big buildings and he'll call as soon as he gets the message. No big deal. Shrug your shoulders, smile and move on. You let it escalate. She's just a kid and lacks understanding about the situation. Next time you talk, make a set time with him for a phone call to her.

Oh, and you're not in the hospital or something. You're at home and everything is fine. What did we do before cell phones? Make a plan, find out the number of his hotel and the gun show. Have emergency numbers just in case. Sometimes cell phones don't work. Simple fact.

In response to your husband not answering his phone, well...

Sorry, but I'm "old" ...... long before we had cell phones, this is what life was like. If someone was away on a trip, you ended up having to leave a message at the motel or something.

Also, depending on what kind of cell phone you have, he may not be able to get very good reception in buildings, especially some of the large ones that are in Vegas! Heck, I don't get good reception in the school I work in, (it isn't a large building, but the foam insulation board they apparently used makes it hard for some signals to get through... yet some kids have no problems at all!) so I just put it in airplane mode so I don't run the battery down before the end of the day, as it searches for a signal. In one room, one of my friends with an iphone has to put it on a certain point of her desk to get reception.

I'm just trying to point out that he may not have been ABLE to answer the phone... it may not have been a choice.

As far as your daughter throwing a fit...... I'm not sure what to do there... you losing your cool probably didn't help any (I'm sure you already realized that....) Maybe you should have just said that maybe daddy's phone is broken and isn't working... we'll call him later.

I think now you just need to talk to her, hug her for a while... I see that you both apologized, which is good.....

It's possible that he's in an area where his phone isn't picking up a signal. Since your husband isn't currently returning the messages or texts, and sending them and catering to your daughter by continuing to do as she asks is making the situation worse, I suggest you teach your daughter patience by waiting until he calls or texts back that he's received the messages. Waiting now won't harm her. It's on him to make the call back as soon as he receives the messages.

And when he does call back, I would NOT immediately lay into him or criticize him. Thank him for calling back, and then gently let him know that your daughter was upset that he didn't pick up when she called. He doesn't need to know about her tantrums or needing to be disciplined since he's not there and there's nothing he can do about it.

At least she is destroying her room, not your house. Tell her she has to clean it up. Why is she so upset that dad isn't answering the phone? He is on a mini vacation!

Edit... This is NOT how children express themselves. I disagree completely with that, sorry SH. I have dealt with children for years and years and I have never put up with a child acting like that, no matter what age. This is when mom needs to sit down with her and tell her that daddy is on vacation and will be back in a few days. You should not be cleaning up her room either! SHE needs to clean up her mess. I agree with whoever said that you should take everything out and let her earn it back. Children do NOT act like that unless they are permitted to.

You shouldn't assume it's intentional (that he won't answer the phone). If he is in the casino, he might not be able to hear it's ring--it can be darn loud. And the interior of the casino/hotel may not have good reception. My husband travels often. Many times, my calls will go straight to his voicemail and he says it hasn't even rung.

If your daughter is over the age of 2, then her behavior is unacceptable. "Big girls don't destroy things when they are angry or disappointed." She needs to be taught better ways to vent her frustrations. Can you imagine her behaving this way in elementary school?!

It sounds like she is angry about something else? Something change in the last few months? Has he dad traveled more... Has she begun to feel less attention from him?

Perhaps you might set up a family system of codes now. Have your daughter sit down with her dad when he gets back and have him explain to her that he can't always call (if he's in a meeting, or doesn't have a signal). Have her choose a cute graphic like a flower, and he can choose a graphic as well, like a heart, and in the future she can text her flower and he can text back his picture when he's able. That will give her something to look forward to, and she'll know it's something special only for her, and that will reduce the demands she's putting on him for a full phone call.

I have a code for my grown son (he's alone in another state). It is an abbreviation that only he understands (it is basically asking if he's ok). I'll text him that, and he texts our code for "i'm ok". It cuts down drastically on my worrying and text-nagging. I also have a code for my dh if there's a medical emergency, so he knows this phone call is different. I have a code phrase too, if I leave a message, so that he knows this is NOT a crisis, and not to rush or worry, but it's something I did need to ask him about. The codes are very brief, just a couple of letters. No need for long phrases or cute passwords. Our codes are just a couple of capital letters that are easily interpreted and remembered.

Your daughter is young, but might just be old enough to understand that cell phones don't always get a signal everywhere. Maybe you can take her to a large warehouse store (Home Depot, etc), and walk to the very back and show her that in places like that, there's no signal.

Just having an understanding might allow him to enjoy his rare times away, and might alleviate the anger and distress, and give your daughter a feeling of security without demanding a phone call.

J., these outbursts should never exist. I know you said they are seldom, but this is not a normal display of frustration from a child. 45 min of screaming? Hitting the wall? Destroying her room? Your child is telling you something important and you need to listen. Where did she learn this behavior? My guess would be from screaming, temper-tantrum throwing adults. I know you have had frustrations with your MIL and husband and your daughter is now expressing her frustrations from her environment. This is so much bigger than a phone call that daddy didn't answer. Please dig deep and find a way to live in a healthy environment for your child. Yes, all kids at some point throw a fit, but the way you described your daughter's goes far beyond a temper fit. You both deserve to be happy, you need to be strong and find a way to improve your life or you will have a nightmare on your hands when your daughter is a teen. I wish you the best of luck in figuring this out.

I agree that this is probably not intentional on Dad's part. Cell signals often don't work well in large hotels like that. I would think if he had heard the two voice mails and two texts he would have responded.

I think your daughter has to understand that she will have to wait and behave while she waits for Dad to call back. I hope you are able to nip this behavior in the bud it's just not appropriate (even at 4).

Having lived in Nevada, and spent three one week vacations/trainings in Las Vegas, I can tell you that the cell reception in many casinos is poor. It's the same in Reno. When my husband and I attend an event at a casino, we always leave the casino name, number, name of event and room in which the event will be, so our kids can call the casino and have someone search for us in case of an emergency. Thankfully, we've never had that happen.

Perhaps the next time your husband leaves town, he and your daughter can set a specific time for the two of them to talk. That way, she won't go ballistic on you and you'll both be happy.

As for the "what if we had to go to the hospital" bit, been there, done that. Cell phones are only as good as the service provider or the person holding the phone. I'm often amazed at how EVERYONE can reach my husband with no problem and 80% of the times I call, I can't reach him. I went through the excuses phase, the denial phase, the anger phase. Now, I'm at the "I just better plan on handling it myself" phase. When our son was helicopter'd to a local hospital following a ski accident, I couldn't reach my husband right away and had to leave messages. Once, my youngest left school grounds and the school couldn't reach my husband (he's the "contact first" parent) and I had to leave school early (I taught in another county) to organize a search with the sheriff. His cell phone "problems" have caused no end of family headaches.

What solved the problem? Planning ahead helped a lot. We have set times to talk. For example, my husband knows that if I call between 3-4pm, it's the "confirm dinner & evening plans" call and he better pick up or call within 5 minutes. If I call between 7-7:30am, my husband knows it's the "I forgot something I need for school today" phone call and he better drop everything to call me back. But, any other time? Our signal is two calls in quick succession means an emergency...and an emergency is severe pain, bleeding, loss of job or limbs, or being stranded somewhere. I had a hard time managing the "set times" rule, but it has lessened much of the tension between us, since his job is a mobile one.

As for your daughter trashing her room, all I can say is WOW! I have a pistol-tempered 13 year old son and he knows that if he EVER damaged my house during a temper tantrum, he's butt would be in more trouble than he ever imagined...and he's been in some pretty big trouble! Four years old or not, I find that kind of behavior extremely disrespectful of YOUR belongings...your HOUSE! How would she feel if you got mad and broke HER stuff?!?! Perhaps a practical demonstration of that concept would do your daughter some good. Just a thought...

Good luck.

A lot of gun shows can be in buildings that don't get service. The more important issue is teaching her how to express her anger in a healthy way. It may be helpful to look into advice about helping your child deal with her anger

http://www.earlychildhoodnews.com/earlychildhood/article_...

Letting her get away with it isn't going to help, but at the same time punishing and swatting won't either. Because it doesn't get to why she's angry (her saying it) and learning how to cope with it. Don't want her flipping out every time this happens, especially when she's an adult or teen lol. and I wouldn't suggest swatting her every 5 mins b/c she doesn't stop, some of these kids are going to grow up being very suppressive of their anger and explode b/c of that kind of stuff. If your calm, think logically is swatting her teaching her how to solve the problem? or is it because you lost your cool?

As far as your hubby he may not have had service, but if the phone rang and rang and rang I'd be a little suspicious of "side trips" simply because it IS vegas lol. I live 2 hours north of vegas and strip clubs obviously are huge there. If a phone doesn't have service it will go straight to voice mail, as far as I know.. or with verizon it will ring and then an automated message comes up. But the again, like Kiki said maybe he didn't hear or feel it vibrating.

Reverendruby has a good idea with the hug, I know a few parents who have done that and nipped behavior in the bud.

I agree with beth, she fed on you overreacting (it sounds like) and then you punished her for imitating your behavior! That must be sooo confusing for her. You both have to chill and you have to lead by example and teach/show her how to handle anger. Do as I say not as I do doesn't work.

If at all possible, try not to show your frustration to your child. Tell her Daddy can't get to his phone right now or his battery died. If he knew you were calling he would answer the phone right away. The voicemail still works, let's leave him a message. Part of her being upset was just as much the fact that you were frustrated with her daddy, which could be very upsetting to her. Just my pov. Best of luck. my daughter is going through this with my dad out of town as well. We can't reach him at all for days because he is in Africa. Good luck!

I completely understand how you feel, and your daughter. So, that being said, obviously things got out of control with both of you. Regroup. You could explain to your daughter where you were wrong and apologize to her. Tell her that mommy's sometimes make mistakes. Further, explain to her how you wish you would have remained calm and thereby able to remain a better parent, demonstrating how to behave calmly...because that is how she should have behaved when things didn't go her way. You could explain that there will be times when we don't always get what we want.

Now to daddy. Look, I completely get that. So, ask him to call his daughter first thing in the morning before he begins his day...say when she typically wakes up. Also, for good measure, he could call her before she goes to sleep too!

Everybody has a bad day...so chalk it up to that ! It's not too late to have a great day!

I think for future trips you should have a plan that dad will call the same time each day and he will have to make it his business to make the call. Maybe 7:30 right before bed, or first thing in the morning when she wakes. I know he is on a trip but that doesn't mean he stops becoming a dad. Just like if we were away, you wouldn't call your children daily to speak to them. If you set up a plan then you can explain to her in the future that sometimes dad can't be reached, or may not have service so he will do his best to try to call daily. It will prevent outburst and the let down of not being able to reach dad. I think she was disappointed and that was her reaction, not a good one but it was her reaction. If you can prepare her before the phone calls you can prevent the outbursts.

I think daddy should be cleaning up the room with her.

At least it is over daddy and not some boy down the street? My daughter at 3 threw a fit over the fact that a boy she liked wouldn't play with her.