I could almost tell your story as it was mine. My now ex still thinks things are never his fault and accepts very little responsibility for his actions. He would get off work and start drinking and by the time he got home he was already lit. As he got in the door he would throw away the tall boy beer and get a high ball glass and commence to fill it 3/4 full of alcohol. Then his rant turned on me. The name calling and terrible things he said were nonstop. Thank goodness my daughter was asleep by the time he got home so she couldnt' hear him. She was an infant but he failed to realize that they sense tension and affects them.
He kept telling me that I had the problem, that I needed to go on Prozac, that I was a whirling dervish (he has no idea what that is), etc. What he was doing was projecting his issues onto me and trying to get me to accept his problems. I would have none of it. THAT make him crazy. The problem was his drinking and probably drugs. The look in his eyes was frightening.
Eventually the fights escalated because I couldn't just stand around and have him belittle me constantly. One evening it came to a head and I got the brunt of it with a swift kick in the ribs while I was on the ground where he threw me.
I too felt like you. I did not want my daughter to grow up in a house like that. It scared me that she would see that behavior and think that was normal. I had to do something to protect her and me but I did something too late. For me anyway.
Since my ex never took a high level interest in his own child while we were together, that continued while we were apart. Luckily he doesn't have her much now but i worry every time. More so now. We were visited by CPS because of an incident he had while with his girlfriend. Again, he takes no responsiblity for what went on and says he's not involved, yet he was the one there. he's the one who destroyed her property even though the girlfriend made him mad. That is the story my daughter is sticking to. She thinks it's okay that Daddy busted up some of the girlfriend's property because the Girlfriend made him mad. Crazy.
I've tried to get supervised visits but to no avail. I can't prove that he is unfit to have her overnight even though he has a pending DWI, has two police reports involving the girlfriend, he admits to riding with her on his motorcycle with no helmet, etc.
I'm there with you. i understand your story. Good thing you have his mom's support. Seek advice from an attorney. My ex is in his 50s and doing this nonsense. They have no idea how detrimental to the kids their behavior is. The kids desperately want to please Daddy and if they see Daddy acting terribly towards Mommy or other women then that's what they take with them into their teenage years and beyond.
One thing you cannot do is say negative things about your husband in front of the kids. Ever. That will come back to haunt you.
I'm rambling as I'm trying to do this at work.
As I said in the beginning, this story could be mine. In your case, maybe having him leave the house or you taking the kids and leaving might be what straightens him out. It didn't work in my case, but then I wasn't going back after I was physically abused. I hope it doesn't get to that with you.
Good luck. I've been divorced for about 5 years now. I still cringe when he takes my daughter as you just never know what he's going to do. One thing for sure though is that my daughter and I don't have to live in that terrible situation day in and day out.