So Meltdown Mondays are still in full force. Either Emmy falls asleep at 6pm for the whole night or meltdown at 6:30 or 7pm every monday because her dad lets the kids stay up until midnight on saturdays (which probably means 1am) and then she sleeps until 10 or 11am and then goes to bed wayyyy to late on sundays
She started piano lessons at 6:30 on mondays 10 minutes from our house which should be fine. she will be able to play outside while i cook, eat dinner, do homework, go to piano, gets homes and has a snack then bedtime...BUT since Meltdown Mondays are the same day I worry this could end up horrible! Best case scenario we do all of that before paino and she falls asleep at 7pm in the carride home each night and I lug her up to bed, benchpress her into theloft bed and then she;s fine
BUT last night her dad decided to show for her first lesson which was fine UNTIL it was time to say goodbye, she hada meltdown and was asking to still see him so I suggested target they could get a snack while I got yogurt for her and then we could head home...she had a meltdown in front of him finally and I sais well this is what happens on Mondays. He is aware but said his grifliend lets her girls stay up until midnight on satudays which he knows is too late but he cant get emmy to sleep while they are playing....which is understandable since if I was a kid I'd blow my gasket if kids my age and younger were up and I was going to sleep in the same house
so anyone have solutions???
How can I avoid meltdown mondays with his schedule for her? How can I get her to catchup on sleep so she can get rid of those bags under her eyes and be alret for school on mondays?
Tips? Tricks? Suggestions?
ETA
I got a response back from the email i wrote below that he will try and suggest an 11pm cutoff for saturdays...i'm still amazed that even with it affecting her greatly its not going to change drastically but I guess i should be glad it might change by an hour
DVMOM I have opened lines of communcation to let him know its effecting her in an unhealthy way and I dont think its good but I;ve also learned that I can not control his home or tell him to change things. I'm HOPING he does for Emmy's sake but I cant demand it for Emmy;s sake because that will cause friction which would not be good in copparenting. I try and limit the waves since being divorced (update from your update=) --i agree but they arent my kids so it's not for M. to judge. i'm sure i do plenty she doesnt agree with too)
Heather Emmy is a night owl even though she needs her sleep. She can hang later than the big kids on rare ocassion and cant fall asleep unless everything is off. Meaning if tv is on she will listen even if its a documentary.
I love all of the advice guys! I did email him and let him know in a nice way its not healthy for her and effecting her badly and asked if he had any ideas on what could be done on his side. I cant J. say I will take her on saturday nights because as much as i feel the late bedtime is wrong she is his kid too and i cant control what he does with her
Hazel,
She's actually super involved (does crafts, baking and so on with all 3 of them) and really is sweet. I like her a lot. The only issue I have is the bedtime. Her kids are 4 and 6, perhaps they J. need less sleep then Emmy who is also 6? Who knows...but Emmy is like M. and NEEDS her sleep.
I liked the suggestion some had of going to his girlfriend since we get along but I dont feel like I could since she has kids involved and she may take it as M. criticizing her parenting. I am not willing to risk the relationship we have getting along over this. I feel the girlfriend of your ex is to be treated like in laws. its always better to go to your direct relationship (spouse, ex) instead because if I upset her it would be harder to get back on good ground then it would if i upset my ex which to M. the consequences of us not getting along are far greater then her being tired...ecspecially because if she disagrees then i have a tired kid and an angry ex and girlfriend of the ex
DV
Ask dad to wake her up earlier on Sundays. She'll J. have to understand that there are consequences to staying up late - you are tired the next day. Better she be tired and meltdown on Sunday then go to bed early, than to have it happen on Monday.
Having not read any other posts, my first thought is to change the day of her piano lesson. Obviously you're not going to be able to change the routine at her father's house. So change what you do have control over. Also your daughter will not benefit from a lesson when she's this tired.
Fighting what can't be changed uses up a lot of energy. Find ways to work with what is. Perhaps have your daughter take a nap after school is one idea. Brain storm on things you can do and let go of what you have no control over.
After your SWH I admire the way in which you are communicating with your ex, taking into consideration his reaction and how to best influence him. It still sounds like the bedtime isn't going to change.
A thought. Since you like the girlfriend, might it work for you to have a short friendly conversation with her about the effect his has on your daughter? Appeal to her as a mom and what would she do if her children had this difficulty. Be upbeat but direct.
my suggestion is that you move the piano lesson to another night. that way the meltdown won't happen with the teacher in attendence. also no reason for a parent to come and view a piano lesson. unless maybe it could be on friday or saturday or whenever the trade off is. then you get her to the lesson and he takes her home. would that work?
as for the staying up late I would go ahead and get her up early on sunday morning and make her stay up til bedtime. that way she will sleep that night and be rested on monday morning (or course they probably let the kids stay up so they will sleep in on sunday morning)
Well, he should ask his GF to have a household bedtime. I can't imagine it's good for them, either. And if not, even if it's harder for her to go to bed first, she won't be the first kid to be sent to bed earlier. I used to go "but Mom, there are still kids playing!" and she said, "No my kid. It's time for bed."
You can also ask him to wake her by 9 or something and then have her have "quiet time" (nap) around 3 for an hour.
And in further discussions with him, emphasize that it is not working well FOR HER to be up that late, as it is affecting her entire day on Monday, her ability to do well in school and her lessons.
If you get along with the GF, could you appeal to her? After you and ex agree that there's a problem, the next time it comes up mention that Emmy needs to sleep earlier and you hope she will support ex in getting Emmy to bed before midnight. It can J. be a statement. My DD is a night owl, too, but I do NOT let her stay up til 12. Her kids probably do need sleep but she's not enforcing a bedtime.
I totally get that you can't control his home. My sks were routinely dropped off late on Sunday nights and Mondays were no fun. Sometimes you J. do what you can. I would also consider moving the piano lesson to another night. If Mondays J. don't work for her, then don't set her up for failure.
My daughter is the same way (night owl) but needs her sleep. She can't go to sleep watching tv whereas her cousin can (they are the same age).
You can't control what they do at their home but you can plead your case in the best interest of your child. Now that he's seen it, he may be more willing to help.
If he and his significant other live together, the basic rules for the kids should be the same. While he can't make her send her girls to bed earlier, he can talk to her about adjusting bedtime. If they dont' agree, he can still do what is best for your daughter (even if she doesn't see it as fair). He can say "you don't have to make your girls go to bed but I need them to be either in bed (if they share a room) or at least quiet so they aren't disrupting Emmy's bedtime". He can also still wake her up earlier and let her be tired on Sunday so she hopefully will go to bed on time Sunday and be rested for Monday.
Dad needs to talk with the girlfriend about getting ALL the kids to sleep at a reasonable time so none of this continues. He needs to take some responsibility for the situation since it is not fair for you to be the one to deal with all the aftermath.
ETA after your SWH: I would J. tell him that you are not trying to cause trouble between him and his girlfriend, but he also needs to think about what is best for your daughter and make that a priority. Hopefully the girlfriend won't be a total b**** about it and be able to see it from your standpoint. I would be curious to know how old her kids are and how they handle being allowed to stay up that late - and if it's J. the Sat night or if every night is like that. Or if they can work out a compromise - they don't have to go bed at 8, but they can stay up until 10.
ETA2: If her kids are only 4 and 6, there is no way they are getting enough sleep if she lets them stay up that late. I know some kids need more or less sleep than others, but that's J. crazy. Not trying to judge, J. saying I can't see how that can be good for them, or why it is necessary. My daughter is 5 and we might let her stay up a little later if it's not a school night, but she is still in bed by 9, no matter what. The more consistent their schedule, the better.
Do the girlfriend's children live with them all the time, or does she only get them on the weekends? Maybe, if she only gets them on the weekends she is trying to get every last drop of time spent with them that she can... in which case I am would be a little more understanding.....
But really, even in that case (but especially if that is not the case), how does a parent let their kids stay up until Midnight at that age? I am surprised your ex doesn't want them in bed earlier so he and the girlfriend can have some quiet/adult time before bed themselves.
I am glas he got to witness at least the one episode to see that you aren't manufacturing drama. And I think the best suggestion is to have Dad wake her up earlier on Sunday morning (whatever a normal morning wake-up time for her is, not letting her sleep in). Obviously, he isn't going to like that idea. It means he won't get to sleep in either... but if you at least suggest it, he might consider invoking an earlier bedtime for everyone as an alternative to getting up earlier.
At those ages, my kids went to bed at the same time as they did during the week. There were no special bed times for the weekend (unless we had a date night and the kids had a sitter or something unusual was going on--out of town visiting family or something). Every day weekends meant they went to bed around 8:00, J. like during the week. MAYBE I'd be lax about it and the wouldn't make it until 9:00, but that was because I was relaxing and not pushing hard to stay on schedule. But one hour isn't a big deal. 4 hours, is a big deal.
I think this is a hard situation. I would J. keep working with her and not do any extra activities on Mondays but if that's the only day then I guess it's going to be one of those things that she has to outgrown.
Does he have her every weekend? If not then make sure you let her rest as much as possible when she's at your house.
Our kids stay up pretty much as late as they want on the weekends but it's not always as late as they are up. I enjoy the late mornings when they sleep in.
I get that you don't want to try to tell him how to run his house. Maybe he can take his daughter to the other room and have very quiet time, maybe read, while the others are playing. Hopefully, his girlfriend will fall in line, but even if not, he will be doing his part. Your daughter might not go right to sleep at that time, but winding down should be helpful. Also, it could help her to learn to go to bed no matter what else is going on.
Your daughter is obviously older, but my 2yo will demand to go to bed by a certain time, no matter what else is going on in the house. He gets excited and wants to play, but he will get tired and point toward the bedroom and say, "I'm sleepy, Mama."
Don't let her go over there-it's negligence on their part to let a child stay up that late-different in the summer when children are not subject to so many time constraints, or during the holidays when people are traveling and spending time with family, but during the school year? your ex needs to wake up and forge a united front with you and tell your daughter that she is to go to bed early even when she is at his house . What you construe as sweetness, I view as a passive form of aggression. It may be difficult for the little one to get going on Monday and keep going-but it's the grown ups in her life that need to wake up and do what is best for her.
I have to agree with DVMMOM on this. It is sad that your ex-husband feels that his relationship with his girlfriend is such that he cannot ask her to put her kids to bed at a reasonable time.
The only thing I can think of doing, aside from getting something legal added to the custodial/visitation agreement, is to decide to let her stay up until midnight on Friday nights for a while. Which is petty and mean (esp. to your daughter), but maybe would prove a point?(Please know I was being sarcastic and vengeful with that suggestion. It was not meant to be truly considered.)
Or, J. tell him "Until she can get to bed at a reasonable time, she'll need to be dropped off here on Saturday nights and you can come get her Sunday. This is not fair to her to be kept up late and she needs her sleep.It's not fair to her on Mondays that she has to recover from this...you saw how hard it is for her." Maybe THAT will light a fire under him to take control of the situation in his home.
(edited here) I don't know anyone who lets their little kids stay up until midnight on a regular basis, esp little ones. New Years Eve, maybe. Otherwise, it sounds like she J. doesn't like to do the harder work of parenting. How sad.
ETA: Well, Cheerful, I am glad to hear that she's not what I expected. I J. don't understand it. Maybe I'm J. too old-school....? My son might get to stay up until 9 as a very special treat and he's almost 6. We respect his need to focus at school the next day.
