Anyone Know About Adoption?

Updated on October 27, 2006
T.S. asks from Dayton, OH
21 answers

My husband has been around since my son was 8 months old (he's now 7). My son's real father hasn't seen him since he was 2 (5 years ago!). My son calls my husband 'daddy'. Anyways, his father does pay me childsupport on a regular basis (but only because it gets withdrawn from his check). I have no idea where he is living or how to get a hold of him. My husband is wanting to adopt my son. Does anyone know how this would work?
THANKS!

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So What Happened?

I want to start off by thanking everyone for there advice. Let me give you a little bit more background... I was 15 when I got pregnant, and my sons BF was 20. I was young and stupid. He is named after his father, first, middle, and last name. SHAME ON ME! The last time he seen his son like I said before was when my son was 2. He was a very bad father figure then. He brought me to court to get joint custody and he ended up getting him every other weekend. When he did actually pick him up, he usually dropped him off with his mom for almost the entire time, every time so he could go "party". He taught my son horrible things...such as "mommy is a b****" and he taught him how to call my "now husband" the N word (my husband is mixed but looks white). He taught him how to flick people off, and many other bad words. I say this because some of you are saying that it's just a paper deal and not to worry about it. But I'm terrified that he will some day want to be a "dad" and be back in his life. I wouldn't keep my son from his father, but if my husband were to adopt him, I wouldn't have to worry about him. My husband is not pushing the issue. Child support is not an issue at all. I actually have it directly deposited into my sons college savings fund, so I never even see it.
As far as the last name goes, someone said who cares what other say. Well, what if the "others" is my son. He always ask why he has a different last name then me, daddy, and sissy. He says his friends ask questions also. I've even had a few of his friends ask why he has a different last name.
As far as the BF willingly signing the papers, lol, yeah right! He is so into making my life miserable and could care less about whats best for my son. He called 2 years ago and first thing he ask for was our sons social. No way was I giving it to him. He said it was because he was getting hounded about getting insurance on our son. I ask him if he would sign over his rights to my husband and he said "over my dead body". Thats the last I've heard from him.

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R.D.

answers from Dayton on

A lawyer could petition the father's work for an address;my daughter's real father actually signed over his rights so my husband could adopt her! We had to be married for no less than a year for him to adopt her. I would contact a lawyer~a lot of them have free consultations,too.

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L.I.

answers from Youngstown on

If the childsupport is getting paid via garnishment and through childsupport, then they would have a record of where he works. Try calling them and asking ###-###-####, thats childsupport. I don't know if they will give his info, but if you explain why, it is public record. If he is paying taxs there's gotta be away to locate him. Also, this is if he is in OHIO, if not you'll need other avenues to find out which state.
Good luck, L.

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V.R.

answers from Columbus on

Hi T., my name is V. and I have two boys. Although they are not adopted I do know about what you are asking because this happened to my brother. His ex wife wanted her new husband to adopt her daughters, one of the girls was my brother's biological daughter. He was paying child support but lost his job and quit paying. You can probably get your ex's address by calling the child support system. Also, my ex sister in-law placed an ad in the newspaper looking for my brother and informing him of her plans for her new husband to adopt her girls. The biological father's are responsible to respond to this add to stop the adoption and if that doesn't happen within I think 90 days then the adoption process can continue. Of course, you should ask an attorney as well because they will eventually have to draw up the papers for adoption. Hope this helps.

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M.J.

answers from Cincinnati on

Hello,
I do know that in order for your husband to adopt your son your son father would have to be willing to relinquish his parental rights. You not only need his consent to do this but this would also free him of his child support duties.

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D.W.

answers from Youngstown on

I'm not sure if it may differ from state to state but I believe that you will have to post an add in your baby's father's last known town ... the add needs to run for 30 days.
This add would have to state the upcoming adoption and would give him 30 days to respond. I would definitely speak with someone who knows a little more about law than I. But go for it, My daughter is going to be 18 next month and she has only seen her real father once since she was 2 1/2. He pays support too, but like you said, only because it is withdrawn from his checks. Sad but you are definitely not alone.

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A.B.

answers from Youngstown on

You need an attorney, I am sure you figured that.He/She will handle all the details......I inquired about this a few years back w/my step kids since their mom is dead i was given general info but was told that
there will be a notice in the paper regarding the adoption so if anyone wants to contest it(bio father), I am sure if you have no idea about his whereabouts this will not be to hard, maybe child support will notify him then there may be a problem on his end if he does not want to relinquish his rights, I am sure by now if he wanted to see his child he would have made an attempt....I hope that this helps...good luck your husband sounds wonderful!!!!

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K.J.

answers from Cincinnati on

T.,

My husband adopted my daughter via step parent adoption. In order to adopt in Ohio you need consent from the biological parent. But, if you can prove that either this parent did not support and/or did not visit the child for one year, you can request the probate court to waive consent. If the court does not waive consent then you will 1) send notice to the last known address (you should be able to get his address from child support agency - you can go there and ask for copies of records since they are public records) and 2) publish in the newspaper the intent of the step-parent to adopt for I think 6 weeks.

I went to the probate court and picked up the papers. We filled them out. We asked the court to waive consent (he never paid nor visited). We paid our fee and a court date was set. A person from the court came for a home visit. Your county may require a private agency home visit. The adoption was complete in 6 weeks.

You can pay a lawyer to do this but I would first go to probate and ask them. They are usually more than happy to help at least in Clermont County.

K.

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L.C.

answers from Cleveland on

T. usually since the father doesnt have visitation usually after 2 years your hubby can adopt but sinc ehe is paying child support only cesa can loacte him through his social security number and pay checks they you have to get permission form him he signs off his rights.then you o longer receive child support from him he might like that sinc ehe doesnt care to see him my ex hubby did that with my son when he was 15 that was sad he did to get out of paying child support but he still owes me the back support of over 17,000 i will never see it but my hubby now adopted him anyways because of him signing off his rights.i hope this helps you a little bit...

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J.L.

answers from Dayton on

It's actually a very dificult situation. There are many different laws that you have to follow in doing this. If you get his rights taken away from him (or he signs them over for that matter) your husband can then adopt you son. The main problem is proving him an unfit father if he does not want to sign over rights willingly. Tell him to look at the bright side, no more child support from him. And that is something that you should think about too. Is that little bit of extra money helping out at all? Or should you just hold off until your son gets a little older and tell him the truth? One thing I can give advice on is NEVER be derogatory against the other parent. No matter how much you despise them. My parents got divorced when I was 2 and 20 years later I am still playing the pick and choose game.

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C.B.

answers from Cleveland on

T. S.
First of all think this through VERY CAREFULLY.
Talk to an Attorney and obtain FREE ADVICE.
List your PROS AND CONS to doing this.
Right now this man is a Wonderful STEP-FATHER, he will be called Daddy either way. And the feelings do not change once on paper.
Things to consider:
ONE- This is a male child so he has his biological fathers name and will carry that on. Maybe it will be the turning point in the family history.
Second-Is this something you have thought about or is the pressure of everyone having the same name the big issue? So NO ONE has to explain the differences?
Third-- Remember the money you are now getting will no longer be coming into your budget for your son. This may or may not be an issue right now but God Forbid something happens and you divorce this man then he can fight you for custody and you will have to go through all the same court issues to get child support etc.

I have two boys 18 and 8 and my children have been in my sole custody since 1999. My Ex has SUPERVISED VISITATION at my home EVERY WEEKEND, and has not used it, he last saw his youngest when he was 1 1/2 and his oldest when he had open heart surgery two years ago.
I am re-married and although my husband is great I feel my ex should pay for HIS children. It is only one obgilation he do does for them because CSEA pulls the money from ALL Payees. But one day he may straighten out his life? and want a relationship with his children. They should carry on HIS name. It may be a turning point in history for the family? Who knows.
My husband is the only father my little one has known. He calls him dad but he knows his biological father is out there somewhere. But he is VERY MUCH LOVED and HONNORED FOR WHO HE IS and his name is IMPORTANT.
There are issues of the birth certificate and such and you should really think long and hard about this.
Why is your husband pushing this issue?
Does he not feel like his dad unless it is on paper?
I know there are GREAT dads out there who have adopted their step children and have been a wonderful role model. But there are others who have an agenda.
I think it is honnorable that he alone wants to do this but make sure you know why.
Research, Research, Research! EVERYONE and every angle.

I hope this helps.
Good luck and God Bless.
C.

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A.H.

answers from Youngstown on

First, you need to know that if he should adopt your son that the support from the real father will stop. Second, that child support knows where he is located. They have to keep a record of this on file. You would have to contact an attorney for the process. Once you have located your son's father and he agrees to let your husband adopt it will be all legality from there. Your son's father just has paperwork to fill out to give up his parental rights. I hope that it works out for you. Good luck.

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J.

answers from Cincinnati on

I have experience from the other side. My husband signed adoption papers almost 12 years ago. He had not been able to see his kids for 2 years at that point. I now know we could have charged his x with contempt for not following the court visitation but we did not know that then. Her parents had lots of money for lenghty court battles and we were pennyless. His x had done some other terrible things to keep him away from the kids. She told them if they see their dad to scream for someone to call 911. We sent them packages and she told them they were bombs and not to open them. Her latest husband wanted them to have his last name if he was going to be responsible for them. We did request they keep contact with their grandparents and so my in-laws got to see the kids every other summer for a few hours. We live a few blocks away. It was heart breaking to be so close and not be allowed to see them. It was hard to explain to our children why there were pictures of all the cousins and their brother and sister and they weren't there with the cousins and their siblings. Fast forward 12 years. His x actually called us 4 years aog and asked us for 1500.00 in back taxes. For that she could contact us. A year later when my step daughter was in trouble instead of calling us or anypart of our extended family she turned the girl over to the state and she spent her senior year of high school in the foster car system. She is doing well now living on her own and has gotten in contact with her dad and we are all starting to have a great relationship. She as lots of questions. To my husbands credit he did not say anything negative about his x. Her brother on the other had had to get a discharge from the NAvy he has depression he is cutting himself and is probably an alcoholic. He is married and seperated from his new wife who is pregnant with their first child.He is repeating his parents behavior. I am not saying that it is because he was not allowed to see his dad but I think if he would have been able to know how much his father loved him even though legally was not allowed to contact him Maybe he would be different or at least his life would not be so full of crisis. I understand your situation is different from ours but I am sure my husbands x wife thought things about my husband that were not reality. Talk to him if you can get a mediator if you need to for your child exhaust all avenues before doing something so permenant. If you do end up signing the papers let your son know even if you don't believe it that his bio dad loves him very much. And keep and eye on the guy maybe in the future he will get his act together and be able to be a part of your sons life. Good luck

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E.W.

answers from Cincinnati on

You can also legally change his last name with out adoption. My cousin did this because my uncle was killed at one year. He wanted to be like his mom and the man who raised him. He has since gone back to his "real name" b ecause he is older and mand that decision.
It was fairly simple just file with the court.

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B.C.

answers from Cleveland on

Hello T.,
You need to contact a lawyer. There are ways to contact the Bio father if he is alive and paying child support without providing you with that information. The Bio Father would have to approve and sign off sometimes a public notice is provided. There are different laws in different States. Good Luck B.

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L.

answers from Cleveland on

If the bio father is willing to sign off, you just need a lawyer to handle it.
If he doesn't see the boy, he will probably be glad to get out of the child support payments.
Whatever agency handles the support payments should know how to get in touch with him.
My husband had a child with his second wife, and he offerred to sign off so the child would have a full time dad.
Laws differ from state to state, but It isn't hard to do if the bio dad is agreeable.

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L.K.

answers from Dayton on

I am going through the same thing right now.The attorney I spoke with said that if you have no way of contacting the "father" then you have to put a notice in the paper and a letter to the last known address stating that adoption proceedings are in order and if you are not contacted within thirty days then the adoption can go through without his consent.If you don't think he will dispute it then I would start there.You can also call child support and ask for a hearing,and in the hearing you can tell the judge you want your new husband to adopt and then they will schedule another hearing after you have gotten all the papers together and have him sign them.If he does not appear in court then the adoption will go through with no problems.Good Luck and I hope some of tis helps.

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S.B.

answers from Cleveland on

You should call your child support case worker. My husband works for child support and said that your case worker should be able to refer you to a good lawyer and the such. In Ohio I believe once he has been out of the childs life for 3 years you can file abandonment charges against him. After you do this you should be able to have your husband adopt your son. It is a messy process i just saw a friend of mine go through the same thing. There will be a court hearing all that good stuff but it is worth it for your son to be raised by the proper father figure. Hope this helps.

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K.H.

answers from Canton on

My cousin went through this with her daughter. I will check with her on the paperwork she had to do and get back with you asap. I hope this works for you.

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E.N.

answers from Cincinnati on

Hello there,
First, thats great your husband wants to adopt your child!! I am adopted but my sister was and is in your exact situation. I'll give you her email address, maybe she can help. I know she'd be happy to help you.
[email protected]____.com Her name is Adrienne.
I hope this helps!
E.

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C.W.

answers from Dayton on

An ad has to be placed in the paper, for so many weeks, and if he does not respond, then adoption proceedings could take place. I would contact child support and tell them your issue, maybe they could help you with where he is working or living. Just a thought!

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T.S.

answers from Norfolk on

Hi T.,
It is going to be hard trying the find the right advice on this matter. It will also be a hard decision. It is going to be hard to get your son's father to sign over rights to his child. Like with some of the other advisors, I would recommend going to a lawyer or even CSEA. That way you would get a straight answer and more legal friendly answer.

Some past relations can really take a bite of your confidence, but as long as you know you are doing it for your son than it make it worth it. Keep doing some research, contact CSEA. And GOOD LUCK.

I am going through the first part of your mess. My daughters father is barely doing anything for her and refuses to see her. I am afraid sometimes that the same thing will happen to me as it has happened to you.(that one day he will not want to sign over her rights) I hope there is some justice in our justice system. I hope you get your problem resolved soon... and if you find any answers let me know. I might need them some day.

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