Any Married Moms Out There Feel like Single Mothers?

Hi A.,
I think a LOT of women can relate to what you described. It seems to be a constant process with every couple I know. Here's how it gets addressed in our house.
1) I sit down with my husband for a serious heart-to-heart, in which I tell him how out of balance the workload feels, and how I have a bunch of resentment building up in me as a result. I don't want to feel resentment toward him... he's my husband and I love him... so we need to address the issue.
2) For bigger "to do" items, my husband has said that he actually needs a written list, which we keep on the side of the fridge. This is not a list just for HIM to do, but for us BOTH to know what all needs to be done.
3) Regular day-to-day tasks don't go on the "to do" list. Instead, I use the same method that another mom has mentioned. I ask, "Would you rather clean the kitchen or give the kids their bath?" "Would you rather clean the bathrooms or the gutters?" I think that this approach helps to point out that while, yes, I am asking him to do something, it's not like I'm sitting around eating bonbons while he does it.
This method works pretty well for us, though we do have to repeat it fairly often. We actually made a plan to have our "talks" every week, in which we can address any issues we might be having, because we've noticed that we're both really bad about not talking about what's bugging us, and things are soooo much better when we do communicate. We call it our "Sunday Peace Talk", or "State of the Union Address". Ha! Actually, we don't do it every week, or even nearly that often, but instead we just call for a Sunday Peace Talk whenever it feels like it's needed. I might add, I'm the only one who ever calls for a talk, but he always participates and we both agree that they are always really helpful. It's amazing how much difference communication makes in a relationship! :)
Best of luck to you!

Dear A.,

I know exactly what you are going through. Culturally I thought I was doing "good" by serving my husband and our children. You see, they are all males and it was the woman's duty to tend to them and the house...stupid culture, right? Or, stupid me for loving unconditionally?
Anyway, I was a working mother and a housewife. House always had to be impeccable! Took my boys to every doctor's appt and dentist's appt. Attended every parent-teacher conference alone. If my husband ever attended, I later regretted it because he would only focus on the negative. There was no praise. As the years passed, it was all a routine. No one said anything because it was almost midnight and mother was just getting to the dishes. Or, ironing the next day's school uniforms.

It has been 20 years now. All is still the same. I never had the courage to claim my place.

You are a very young beautiful woman. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Seek marriage counseling. If all fails, you will be happier by yourself. And, most importantly, you will not have your child crying and/or screaming in frustruation the fact that they were forced to live in a family with no love because parents were always fighting. Mother trying to make husband some chores, or mother running around town dropping off kids to sport practices, etc. Always nagging. While kids were growing with no love because there was never time for them...

I wish you all the best in life...It is precious. Treasure it and live it to the fullest.

God Bless.

I have been married for over 27 years and I've gone through periods like this. My husband is an elementary school principal and there are times during the school year, even now, when his work is everything. Even on his weekends, sometimes, he has to attend school-related functions. And we got married in the fall, when we were both grad students, so our anniversary always comes second to school. It has been frustrating at times, and we've fought about it, but we've gotten through it. These kinds of things get easier, I think, the longer you're married. So be patient, do what you can to keep everything together for now, and remember that it won't last forever. He wants to help his family too, I'm sure, but he's feeling overwhelmed. Step back. He'll appreciate that, and it will be better for your marriage.

No! You are not overreacting. You need to tell your husband, that things must change as you are both responsible for the home & your daughter's well being. You both work; therefore, dividing the chores around the home and taking care of your daughter should not be a problem. How would he feel if you just let the grass grow as tall as the house (well not literally) & let the trash build up until it falls over & stinks. I would do just that & then if he still doesn't assist; I would go & stay with my friends & tell me that my daughter & I will return when we have a clean home to come back to. Why should you be the only one to do everything? You two are suppose to be in this "TOGETHER". I don't hear togetherness. What is really going on? My husband works 2 jobs, picks up our 8 yr old from school everyday, makes sure he does his homework before anything else, he assist my son with taking out the trash, make sure he gets a bath & go to bed on time, mows the grass (I like to help from time to time for exercise; front yard only) & he plays with & feeds our 3 month old son before going to bed. He said, it is about love & sacrifice.

I feel your frustration! I live as a single parent, but it is due to military not a lazy husband. Tell your husband that doing it later, never happens. And with a family you cannot live a bachelor life anymore! Make a list of EVERYTHING you do EVERYDAY and a list of whatever he chooses to do. Show him this is not fair and marriage is about compromise. Ask him what he would be willing to start doing. Tell him you don't want to nag him or yell at him, but his behavior is making you feel disrespected and you feel taken for granted. Tell him You NEVER get a day off. If you don't do something, it doesn't get done and that puts a lot of strain on you and your marriage. Tell him you are holding a grudge against him and this cannot be good for your family or marriage.

These are the Comprimises that works for me when my husband is home: He takes the kids into school the days he goes to work later. He does the dishes or the bath. he Cooks dinner once a week. he Folds one load of laundry twice a week (we have three little ones under the age of 6). Helps every night with reading and bedtime routine.

We have a great respect for each other and I never feel taken for granted. I also hired a housekeeper once a week for $60 a visit. This is helped me tremendously when My husband is away. I just pick up and they clean up! I would do this without discussing with husband. If he doesn't want to pay, then he needs to help!

Good Luck-But do talk to him!

Well you basically have four choices...
Put up with it until you can't stand it any more and divorce him.

Have a huge drama meltdown complete with tears and everything and blast your husband for being so lazy. This actually works once in awhile if you don't do it too often.

Talk to your close friends and get the name of a good marriage counselor and schedule an appointment on your husband's next day off. Give him an ultimatum that either he goes to marriage counseling and you work out the problems in your marriage or you get a divorce. When you get in marriage counseling tell him everything that you just told us, don't leave anything out, and try to get it worked out.

Fourth choice...Train your husband how to be a good husband to you.

Marriage is tough...but it is so worth it to try to work things out. My mother told me when my husband and I first got married and I came crying to her disillusioned with marriage...All men are basically alike. You can divorce this one and you will end up with another one just like him. They either had mothers who waited on them hand and foot and never taught them how to do anything or they are just out and out lazy.

Momma said you have to train them from the first day of your marriage that this is a partnership and they need to do 50% of the work to make this partnership work. There are weeks that your husband will do 30% and you will do 70% and other weeks that your husband will do 60% and you will do 40%. But over time it needs to even out to about 50% and 50% and if it doesn't it really will never work because you will feel taken advantage of no matter how much you love him. You will feel used.

Men will treat you how you let them treat you. Do not let him treat you that way. My favorite lines to use on my husband are...
*You seem to be a little confused here. I am your wife not your maid.
*You might have made a huge mistake here. Maybe you should have married Suzy Homemaker and not me.
*If I cook somebody better do the dishes. If you leave those dishes in the sink then I am not cooking again until those dishes are washed. It's your choice honey...you like to eat more than I do.
*I haven't stopped being their mom. When did you stop being their dad? ....Well start acting like their dad.
*I didn't take you to raise. Last time I checked you were an adult too. Then peak inside his pants and say, "Yup. You are not longer a child honey!"

The best things to say are the ones that make him laugh. He will still get the point in between laughing.

Sometimes just letting them have it once in awhile shocks them back into reality. I am not saying have a huge argument. Just express your true feelings once in awhile. If it starts to be an argument say..."I'm not going to argue with you about this...Just grow up and be a MAN!" And walk out of the room and don't argue about it.

The first thing I would do is this. Go out and buy four laundry baskets. One for you. One for your husband. One for your little one. One for towels and underwear. Tell your husband which one is his basket and tell him to put HIS dirty clothes in it. Then STOP washing his clothes. If he says anything about it say, "I'm on strike. You are a grown man. You need to start doing your own laundry." Let all the towels and underwear get dirty. When he says, "I am out of underwear." or "Where are the clean towels?" Say to him, "You are a grown man, wash them." Trust me. He won't wear dirty underwear for more than two or three days. He will break down and wash them. You might have to teach him how to run the washing machine. He will either buy new underwear and prolong washing or he will break down and wash them.

Take one thing at a time and train him how to do it. Believe me. You will have to train him. His mother probably didn't train him. And if she did, he has conveniently forgotten how to do it. When I married my husband he had never washed a dish in his whole life, never dried a dish, never watched anyone wash dishes. He broke every glass we got as wedding gifts. But, it was OK. I bought new glasses--plastic glasses--and he got better at it. Start now. Train that man how to be a good husband to you.

It will shock the devil out of him at first. But, slowly you have to train men to help around the house. You are one person. You cannot do it all alone. You are really the only one who can train him. If you don't do it, it will DRIVE YOU INSANE. If you don't think I am right, read all the posts from all the women on this page...Start now. Start today. Buy the man his own blue laundry basket...and stop washing his clothes!

My husband runs his own business and we have had this same problem. My suggestion is that you talk to your husband about paying someone to do some of the things that he feels he doesn't have the time to do. When I did that with my husband, he initially liked the idea because he felt it got him off the hook - but then he saw how much it cost to pay other people, and he started doing some of the things himself. There are still some things that we pay for, but now we are both happy - I'm happy they get done and he's happy I am not nagging him about it. My other suggestion is that on his days off he take over some of the responsibilities with your daughter - he needs to understand that this is not just important to help you out but also that it is an important for him to bond with her. When he is home he could put her to bed, at the very least.
I don't think you are neccessarily over reacting, but for the health and happiness of your marriage you need to find a way to compromise. Good luck!

I can totally understand how you feel. The first four years or so that we were married, my hubby was in professional school, and I worked to support us, as well as doing most things around the house (he even said once "you only work", meaning that school was so much more involved yada yada). We had our first child while he was in school as well - but he was good about the division of labor regarding the baby, but not much else. We were often squabbling and unhappy.

Once he finished school, I quit working, and found Dr. Laura's book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I read it and decided to make a change because marriage should have been a lot happier than what we had. She teaches (in the book) to not nag, and to be loving and attentive to his needs so that he will want to do more (or as she says, "so that he'll swim through shark infested waters to bring you a glass of lemonade". I'll tell you, it works (though every man is different, but it works with mine).

She gives techniques (that work) to, for instance, ask him to do something, then if he gives an excuse or says "no", to just say "ok" and leave it alone. Then a month later or whenever it needs to be done again, ask nicely again (without emotion or hostility), and he'll be a lot more likely to do it (I'm paraphrasing).

You have to decide what's more important in life: a happy marriage (which translates to a much happier life for your child - believe me I know that one, as my parents were always at eachother's throats and made us pretty darn miserable growing up), or money, or getting more work out of him. It might well be worth you quitting your job so that you have more time to do the stuff around the house(then homemaking is your job). It is much more important to us for me to be able to actually raise our children ourselves (and care for the home, and myself, and my hubby), than to have "things". We have modest cars, a modest home, and we do without a lot of "necessities" such as cable tv, so that we can easily live on one income, and it is well worth it.

Or, keep your two incomes, and pay to have some of those things done (like mowing the lawn and whatever else would relieve you). If spending the money makes for a happier marriage, it is money well spent, and what are you working for if not to make life easier and more enjoyable. "Things" won't do that.

It doesn't work to nag; it only creates hostility and resentment between you - which I know from personal experience, and from reading Dr. Laura's book. Since we moved here to NC, my husband has mowed the lawn, for the first time in 9 years of marriage. I took pictures because I could hardly believe it. Our marriage is so much more fulfilling, and we are both so much happier now that I've learned to let the little things slide (and I'm sure not perfect either), and to choose my battles, and most importantly to shut my mouth and not nag or criticize or complain.

There are plenty of things to compromise on or work around to make things work. I do most of the driving, for instance, and our marriage is better for it. His driving is down right scary, and kind of annoying, so when he drives I end up nagging and giving helpful suggestions (ha ha), which is really upsetting to him. So, we're just better off if I drive. My kids are so used to it, they'll say "why does their dad drive instead of their mom" when they see another more-typical family with the dad driving.

Best wishes, and that book truly saved my marriage. And, I have to throw in, that as my husband just joined the military 8 months ago, he's been gone more than half of that time, and we have a year deployment coming up in the fall. It's sure made me appreciate him all the more, and enjoy every moment we do have together, and to realize what's important in life. So yes, I am basically a single mother when he is gone.

A. you are not overreacting. I've been married 15 years and I still feel like I'm a single mother. You need to get out of the house more. Do more things with your daughter out of the house more, leave things for him to do or when you have more energy. Take more short cuts, bake healthy snack foods and pack carrots to go on a picnic for supper and go the the park instead of home. Do things that don't cost a lot and behave like a single mother. Be aware that this will get your hubby to want to spend time with you and do more around the house when you explain why you stay out more (that he doesn't help with the house HE lives in) and you'll think that he is coming around. IT IS only temporary and he'll go back just as soon as he thinks you're going to do it ALL again. Try to keep a balance and sign your daughter up to do things. Good luck.

wait...did I write this????, oh...soemone ELSE is a married single mom! I get it :)

I'm with ya sista! I have an almost 3 year old little boy and I get up with him 7 days a week and deal with him during the day (mother's morning out school, naps, etc...) and then I work from 8pm-midnight and usually fall asleep around 1am and get up at 8 or before and do it all over again. I also do laundry, dishes, cook, clean, take out the trash, do homerepair/maintenance, and mow!

My husband works for a company that isn't really strict on start and stop times. So his usual schedule is: wake up at 10:30-11, head downstairs to work from home, 12:30 come up stairs to gripe about how hot/cold it is in the house, grab lunch (sometimes with us) and heads back downstairs, comes back up around 7 as I am getting ready for work and gets dinner (sometimes with us) and then puts the boy to bed before heading downstairs for his nightly 9pm-????raiding session in World of Warcraft that usually doesn't end until 4-5am...IF it ends. sometimes he does stay up all night. We rarely sleep in the same bed anymore.

He gets to sleep til 1 or 2 on Saturdays and the deal is supposed to be that I get Sunday afternoons off before I have to go back to work....doesn't always happen.

So the other day, i was headed out to mow and i asked him for ideas on how to empty the mower bag in the front yard because it's such a hassle (we live on a massive slope). He says "What I usually do is just open the chute to let the clippings fly out and then mow back over it to mulch them up some more" I was dumbfounded so I remarked "what do you mean "usually"? A: you have mowed the yard 3 times since we moved in 2 years ago and B: i am not mowing this yard twice! are you crazy???" so then he said, "well, why don't you just take the bag down to the treeline and dump it?" Again, dumbfounded "ARE YOU FREAKIN NUTS????? I have to empty that bag every 2-3 swipes, I'm not schlepping it up and down that hill!!!!"

So today when I hit the back yard, I'll be mowing a nice artist rendering of the "Japanese rising sun" in the grass. he thinks I'm kidding.

I have actually gone to therapy (turns out im OCD/Anxiety which just compounds the problem) and have decided that the fight is just too exhausting to try to get him to see reason. It's way easier if I just do it myself. and there are times when he wants to do something and I remind him that I am either too tired from having to do EVERYTHING or that he will have to either help me or get out of the way. It's made my life a little less stressful. He also cant complain unless he's willing to do something himself. That cuts down on a lot of the aggrivation too:)

If you live in the Raleigh area, I'd be happy to commiserate on the playground one day :)

very common problem sweetheart, your feelings are valid. We don't live in the 50's and you are not June Cleaver.

Start by introducing the issue to him when neither of you is on the defense. State calmly that you are struggling with the distribution of work & feeling overwhelmed and really need his help.

If you can (and he is willing) make out a list of each partner's PERCEIVED jobs & responsibilities (he does a list for you & him and you do a list for you and him)

Then also, each make out a general list of all the jobs that need to be done. Including child related, income, car maintenance - everything. Yours will probably be twice as long.

These two tools help illustrate each partner's point of view & may help you understand the others perspective a little better. It also may illustrate that you each have very different priorities.

Then sit down & discuss, try to get a schedule set up of who does what & how often/when. That will create more accountability.

This has helped in our family a great deal. The list is not set in stone & can be adjusted as needed.

Do address this with him, it is important that he understand how you feel. You may discover something about how he is feeling in the matter as well.

P : )

I don't think you're overreacting but I also think it's very normal unfortunately. I also don't think there's anything you can do to help things get any better, but there are plenty of things you can do to make things worse. Unfortunately I think most men think they're marrying their mom when they get married and feel very entitled to do nothing since that is the traditional "men's" role around the home and since they "work all day". My husband is incredible, but only became that way after I got very seriously ill several times for weeks at a time and he had to play SAHDad and saw how much it really took. We've also been married 4 years.

My only advice would be try to have a very detailed discussion on the detailed expectations you have regarding the house and life management. One tool to do this can be found in John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - several PAGES of detailed chores in married life (eg, pick up kids, call the insurance company, etc). If you're able to go through that with him, perhaps he can see how much you REALLY do and how uneven and unfair his current behavior is. Define expectations in detail (ie, ask "Do you want to pick up the kids or drop them off? Do you want to fix dinner or clean the kitchen afterward? Do you want to be responsible for gas in both cars or just yours?" then mark his initials by the one he picks...) and if he doesn't uphold his responsibilities that he agreed to DONT DO THEM FOR HIM unless it endangers you or your kids. If you do it, even once, he will always depend on you to do it.

I feel for ya! Sorry I couldn't offer any more/better advice!

Hello A.. Gotten enough feedback so far? LOL So, you know that you're not the ONLY one who has gone or is going through this. I love my huband TREMENDOUSLY, but housework is not his thing. We both work full time and I was spending my weekends cleaning the house and doing laundry while he sat on the couch and watched football (because EVERY game is the most important game of the year). Our solution, as other mothers have mentioned on here, we hired a MAID! For $85 a visit, she cleans my house and all is right with the world. I have her come every other week. It is soooooo worth it - I am pregnant right now and we are cutting back on everything but we BOTH agree that the maid says! Having a maid has kept us from fighting about housework and chores. I am so happy, and you know if Mama ain't happy - nobody is happy! Look into registered house cleaners in your area and get estimates. I don't know where you live, but if you are in the Middle Tennessee area, I will give you the name and number of my maid - I love her!!!

Hi A..
Like you, I feel very single 99% of the time because of my hubby's work schedule. I do most everything, even mow the grass sometimes ( I enjoy it really). He has no patience for them most of the time because he is so used to not being around them. I allow him one night out on the weekend because he does work ridiculous hours and I feel like he needs time with is friends to stay sane and not take his frustration out on us. I love him for working for us, but sometimes is makes me very sad because my kids love him so, but he yells at them when we are together.
I know it is difficult in these times to even say anything about because they at least do have jobs. Not sure how you find a medium really. I guess try to take advantage of even the smallest amt of time and use it for the most you can.
God bless you A.!
W.

Hi A.~ As you can see many of us can relate to your situation. I've been married 19 years and we have 6 children. My husband is in the car business (60- 80 hours a week) and we went through several years of what you are talking about.

My solution: I quit doing everything. Simple as that. It about killed me at first, but it worked. If he knows that you will do everything, even under protest, then he will let you.

I have now had my own jewelry business for 6 years which has given us lots of extra money and me extra time out of the house! The more my business grows, the more responsibility he has had to take on. It's been good for us, and it has been good for his relationships with the children. He now participates in school activities and knows their friends.

My advice: Sit down with your husband and give him a list of his responibilities that he agrees to do. Make sure that he agrees to each one. And if he doesn't do them, then they simply don't get done. Do not do them for him!!!

Do not yell, gripe, or complain....Hold your tongue, because Silence Speaks Much Louder Than Words in most marriages.

Good Luck and Keep us posted. S.

My mom used to do everything lik you do. She went on strike. Just stopped doing everything!! Tryit sometime it really worked on my dad.

I'm assuming you had a traditional wedding with vows that said 'for better or for worse'. This is the 'worse' part. I've been married (fairly happily) for almost 33 years and we have 4 grown children. We're just NOW getting to know each other and give each other the 'benefit of the doubt' that the other is a person of 'good will'. I don't know if you're a Christian or not, but there are many Christian things to read or listen to online that may help understand him better (and I think this is all you need).

Look up, 'Love and Respect', 'Les Parrott', 'Mark Gungor', and/or just 'marriage' in a search and you'll find a wealth of information.

My husband and I just went to a marriage conference in Feb called 'Marriage Encounter', and their first question was, 'Do you feel like you're living a married singles lifestyle?' Almost everyone does in this modern harried and hurried lifestyle. Probably the best thing I can recommend listening to is this week's Focus on the Family broadcast(s). It's 3 day's worth of programs, but it's actually only about 60 minutes worth of actual listening.

Go to this link http://listen.family.org/daily and look down on the right-hand side where it says 'recent broadcasts' and click on April 14th's part 1 of 3 (then 2 of 3, and 3 of 3) to listen. It's wonderful and should help a lot. I really hope you can learn to be patient and understanding a lot earlier on that I am!

Hey A.. I don't think you're overreacting at all. There are so many ways to address this type of situation. You could pull him aside in a very serious way. Say something like, "honey I really need to talk to you about something and it will need your undivided attention." Then, pull him aside into another room (away from children) and calmly explain to him how you feel (exactly everything you just wrote) and have a solution (i.e. I need you to take theh trash out every other day or I need you to start mowing the lawn). It sounds like he doesn't have a clue as to how hard you are working. Maybe there is some way to show him exactly how hard it is to do your daily job. I hope this helps.

I discussed your problem with my husband. Our family is somewhat similar. His job requires long trips to other countries and we have a home and 3 children. For years I worked outside of the home and after our 3rd child was born, I became a stay-at-home mom for about 7 years. Our situation was similar in the sense that I did everything. When I worked, we shared duties, but when I became a stay-at-home mom, I took on ALL household duties, including garbage and the yard. That worked for us because I didn't work. When I did work, however, I found my husband was always willing to do things, but I had to ASK him. This is where I got frustrated. I wanted him to "just know what to do and do it." I felt like HIS mother and that was a turn off.

When I asked my husband about your situation, he responded that working long hours doesn't absolve a man from taking care of his home and children. He also said that when I sat down with him years ago and explained how I felt more like his mother than his wife and how "unsexy" that felt, it really affected him. When I would hire someone to do a job he should have done, he felt ashamed and didn't feel like a man. He said he did not feel very "manly" after that conversation so he stepped up and started learning how to "know" what to do around the house without being asked. Like I said, he was always willing, but just didn't recognize things that needed to be done. He said the change in me (being able to stay awake to watch TV together, being less grumpy/hurried, being more romantic and willing to be intimate, etc.) was all it took for him to continue the trend. Now it is just second nature.

I'm back at work now and I never feel overloaded when my husband is at home and not traveling. He still struggles with the homework help sometimes, but he's willing and he tries and that goes a long way. In fact, he just returned last night from a long trip to Asia and this morning he let me sleep in and he got all 3 kids off to school. (I felt kind of guilty.) Another thing he did over the years, is teach our kids to pitch in and "know" when to do things around the house. My two teenage boys are shaping up to be good husbands one day. Good luck to you and I hope some of this helps.

I think any married woman that says she never felt this way would be fibbing to themselves. Woman do a lot more work than men. If you work it is even worse. My husband had to take care of the kids and house for 1 week because I was in the hospital with MRSA from a spider bite. We live out of state because he is in the army. My poor kids were alive when I got home but I had laundry up to my neck, the house stunk and the kids were thanking God that they did not have to eat at McDonalds or Popeyes again. He asked me how I get anything done because my youngest was always crying. My youngest daughter had something caked in her hair. When I asked why he said she would not let him wash her hair. He struggled and did not complete half of what I did. I felt really good that I do it on a daily basis and he could not handle it for a week. He even had the help of two 11 yr old girls. They had school during the day but after homework in the evening they do have chores that he did not make sure they completed. There rooms smelled like something died in them. It took me a while and the help of my mom and sister visiting but I did get things back to normal. My husband has not been with us steady for more than 3 years because of deployment and being based in another state. He only "visits" us on short 4 day weekends and of course he got 30 days leave when deployed. He found out on his 30 days how much sleep I do not get because my 4 yr old boy still wakes up and wants to sleep in our bed. The 2 youngest were sick also when he was here and then him and I got sick. All he wanted to do was sleep it off. That is nice but the little ones cant take care of themselves. I like to vent and obviously that is what I have done. It makes me feel proud that I do so much. By the way I feel your pain with taking care of the lawn also. I have about 2 acres that I have to mow and weed eat and he keeps clearing more land when he visits. It just makes more work for me!

every woman is different. I love doing everything at my house. it makes me feel like im taking care of my family. my husband works really hard so i dont have to. If i can have a clean house for him and a hot meal to come home to i have done well. plus not to mention he just doesnt clean right lol. talk to him about it since its bothering you this much.

I feel like you. My husband is in the Army. I feel like I do everything myself. I really don't have a lot of friends. I get no time to myself unless my son is asleep. I have another baby on the way. I am SAHM. I have been married 4 years also. My son will be 2 here soon. My husband always says he's to tired from work and I am suppose to do it all cause I am home all the time.

A.,
I am going to put on my professional hat here, not my mother hat. You and your husband need to address this issue now or the resentment you feel is only going to grow and destroy your relationship. Yes, he has a challenging job with irregular hours. That needs to be taken into account in finding a solution, but it doesn't mean one can't be found. If you can't have a productive conversation (one that doesn't involve fingerpointing, defensiveness and emotional reactivity on either part) on this subject, I highly recommend finding a good marriage counselor that can help you with this and give you the tools to handle future issues. You don't say where you live but you can find a good therapist by going to Psychology Today website or therapistlocator.net. If you want some information on effective communication in a relationship go to my blog at www.balancedfamily.com, there are several articles you might find helpful.

Good luck,
L. D

Please talk to each other! Go to counseling if he won't listen. I have been there and it is such and awful place to be! I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you two can work it out. I'm praying for you! Good luck!

You're not alone or over-reacting. My husband is gone most of the time (sometimes weeks at a time) due to his job and everything is left up to me. When the mowing gets done I have to get a sitter to come and watch the kids. It just seems like some of the simplest things become such a big deal. Do talk to your husband and see what kind of compromises can be made. I've been where you are and it can be very aggravating and lonely.

My ex and I were like this, Part of what led to our divorce. It causes you to resent them. Have a talk with him and if that doesn't work then You both need to go to counseling to even out the work load at home.

Hi A.,
I have been in your shoes, and know exactly where you are coming from. Women can juggle a lot more than men, most definately. Sometimes I wonder if they have two brain cells to rub together.

I see a lot of the responses here, and I admire a lot of these women because they are doing it alone, because their husbands are traveling or are deployed. I respect that, but on the other hand, they are alone. Your husband is home, living in the same home, yet, unavailable. like mine was.

It got so bad at my home, that I went on strike. I am not suggesting this however. I am just merely saying that I wasn't able to get my point across. My strike lasted about five days. I cooked for just me and the kids. I did nothing that pertained to a man's job, up to and including washing his clothes and dishes. I figured he is an adult, he could pick up after himself.

I suggest talking. Tell him how you feel, give him a run down of your day. Let him take care of your daughter on his days off. Save on some daycare, so you can have a spa day.

I'm not sure how he feels about his job, but a lot of it could be stemming from that. He could just be overwhelmed and stressed out, and feeling that he has no other alternative to work right now. There is usually something underlying there. I'm sure he wants to help, but men usually need direction. They are not initiative takers, and when they are, it usually isn't to our satisfaction anyway. So if he does take on some of the work, make sure there is plenty of praise and appreciation for it. Just like children, if you give a child a job, expect a child's work. LOL. If you give a man housework, expect a man's version of it. haha.

I wish you the best outcome on this. It will work out. Just open up the communication.

Oh yes!!! :( sad to say that, i am a married mom of 2 teenage girls: 16 and 13 yoa.i have been a single-married woman for years. I have been married for 17 years. In most of my marriage, i have dealt w/ all the things the girls and my husband needs: housework, homework, errands, always on the go and something else to get done that i have not gotten to yet. My suggestion is to do a schedule at home, just like work, there is something to do by someone. Let him take responsiblity of your daughter while you take time out for you. No babysitter! I encourage you to express your concerns to your husband w/out telling him he is not helping out and see what he would do in the restuarant to fix this problem. Encourage his advise on all things going on in the home and w/ your child. Find a womens group that can help w/ expressing your concerns, for you.
Mariage and kids are hard. Keep working on it and best wishes.

A.,

I feel your pain 100%. Don't ever think you are over reacting. I don't know if I will have any advice that can help, but I thought I would let you know what I have done. A little information about myself: I have been married for 13 years, I have a full time job(as like your job my job is flexible where my husbands is not), and we also have 2 children. My husband is working 12 hour shift at his job. Each morning I have to get my 2 kids ready one for school and one for the babysitter, plus my self ready for work. My son also has diabetes, so it takes me a little longer in the mornings with him than it does with my daughter. My husband only has to get himself up and ready for work. But what men usually don't realize is that when a woman gets off at her job (most woman only work a 8 hour day) she still has a WORK to do at home. So your day may turn into a 12-14 hour day also. We may not work 12 hours at our job that pays us but, we still have duties as moms and wifes at home that is still a job also. I recently have been going through the things you mentioned in your request. Don't get me wrong my husband does help out on some things but there is still alot that I have to do by my self. I just told my husband that I needed to talk to him about something. After putting the kids to bed we sat down to talk. I explained to him about how I was feeling and I would not end the conversation until he understood where I was coming from and how I felt. I have learned in my married is that communication is the key (well communicating has worked for us). I aslo have read some of the other responses you have recvieved. I agree don't do his laundry for him, don't cook for him, hire someone to pay for the lawn mowing (if you have this in your budget), if he asked you to do something just tell him you will do it later you need to relax it is your day off. If this doesn't seem to work find something that does work that will make him appreciate you. Eventually he will get the point. I hope this helps and just remember you are getting to cherish moments with your daughter that he doesn't and those moments are PRICELESS. She will appreicate in the long run for everything you have done for her as a mother.

I feel the same as you. It takes for me to get angry for him to move. I had to sit my husband down(after fussing all the time)and tell him how it is draining me. My husband is in the same business, and I have two children. Then when I finally get him to do things, it is not up to my standards(LOL). Keep trying with him, and eventually he'll come around. Good Luck.

i have been with my husband for three years and i came into this relationship knowing it wasnt going to be easy he has three kids from a previous relationship that i am now the mother of plus one of ours! i feel like a single mother because i have to do everything around here since he has a crazy work schedule too. hes in the Army National Guard so by the time he comes home from work he is "too tired" to do anything so i have all these kids and no time for myself but its not that bad at least he works and i appreciate him for that! plus i have my kids help me out if i feel overwhelmed and trust me it does get hard. trash and dishes, cooking and laundry, it could be worse.

but enjoy the time you have with your daughter that is the best part of my days just being around the kids helps! and try to get out more like going to the park or trips out to hike teach the beauty of nature to her she will appreciate it when she gets older.

plus i have found that it does no good to nag they will do whatever they want anyways! try to set up play dates with other moms out there and see if you can start up a new friendship. my best friend has four kids also and it makes it easier to hang out or if i need someone to watch my kids for me she will do it just because she is a good person and understands being trapped at home too! sorry if i wrote a lot i could go on for days with this subject! lol

I am in a very similar situation. I know how you feel. I work from home and my husband works at night as a bar manager. Here is the compromise that my husband and I have worked out. He does all the laundry and I keep up with the majority of the rest of the household chores and all of my daughters school and extra curricular activities. He gets home anywhere between 11-12 at night and I do wait up for him to get home so we can spend time together, but he is the one to take our daughter to school. He goes back to sleep after dropping her off and I get a full 7 1/2 hours (most nights). If it wasn't for the fact that he takes her to school, he would go days without ever seeing her. Your husband needs to step up! You can't continue on like this. It is too hard. Why don't you make a list of everything you do and ask him to pick a few tasks to lighten your load?
You are most certainly not overreacting! You never get a "day off." Why should he? Most people work on the house on their day off from work. He is being selfish and lazy (bad habits that can be broken).
Let me know if you find a happy compromise!
---E.

A., I see you've gotten lots of great advice! I hope it all helps you somehow. To share my own story, my husband and I married almost 15 years ago while we were both active duty in the Army. 2 Children later, I left the service to become a nurse. During our marriage, I have always been the person to take care of the kids. Getting them up at 4:30 and off to daycare only to pick them up at 6 or 7pm and try to do the "home" thing. Once my babysitter had a fit when I showed up at her door because her neighbor was in my husband's unit and she knew they had the day off....well that was fine, but I didn't! I had to explain to her that I was basically a "single mom" and she could either deal with it or I would find another sitter....with almost 900 a month for my kids alone, she chose to stay with us!

I have to give my husband credit, though, he does help around the house when he has the chance and on his day off, if I'm at work and the kids are in school, he will often clean or do laundry, if he isn't too exhausted! He doesn't always join us for our activities, kids in are softball and t-ball, because he is tired, or busy with his own things. I do feel disappointed for that, but it's disappointment for HIM! He's missing these great moments in their lives. You may be able to mention this to your husband. They are only small once...otherwise, maybe just speak to him about your concerns with him not helping with the house....if anything, do like I did the first few years....when you ask him to do something, don't do it for him! Leave it! Eventually he may notice and try to get it done. Y'all are younger so he may not take the hint...I don't think my husband really helped me with anything until he was almost 30...then he started "growing up." Best of luck and otherwise, just enjoy your daughter! I promise you the house and it's mess will still be there waiting for you, but she won't! Take care!

I know the feeling. My husband works a lot and he provides well for our family but he thought that was all he needed to do. I take care of our two children (ages 1 and 2)and the house and the two dogs (one of which is sick and requires a lot of treatment) and go to school full time and he goes to work. He didn't get it at all until we had a heart to heart one night because I flipped. I told him I was done. I care for my children bc a) I love them b) I would never neglect them and my dogs as well but I dropped the household duties. It took him about a week, when he ran out of socks, to realize that he was going to have to help me. He got mad at first, telling me I didn't even have a job (he quickly regreted that comment), and I simply told him that if I was going to do the work of a single parent then I was going to be one. He couldn't believe that I would really make him leave but like I said I was at my wits end. The next day I realized when I woke up it was 9am. I FREAKED out! Then I found him reading and playing with the kids and the house was halfway clean. After that we split the household and childcare duties and it has been a wonderful 4 months. Just hold your ground and know how far you are willing to push. I wasn't kidding when I told him he needed to leave if he couldn't help and he knew that I was NOT bluffing. That was the biggest turning point.

My advise is to seek help somewhere to talk through these issues. If not, it will keep bothering you until it consumes you. Maybe your husband just doesn't see it the way you do (although, I sure do!!) See if he would be willing to talk to a professional. Good luck!

Hi A.,
I can relate to your issues 110%. A year ago my husband had to take a new job. It is a job that I prayed for and that we needed, but I sometimes wonder what I got myself into. I mow the lawn, take out the trash, even make HIS dr. appts. when he comes home.

My husband travels all over the country installing printing presses. He was just home this past weekend and we did have a good time but nothing ever gets done when he comes home....I have had to learn to become self sufficient and I'm having a hard time adjusting. I have been really sad about everything lately but before my little slump I found it helpful to just get over it and learn to be self sufficient. If you have a positive attitude it helps you get thru it.

I know I don't really have good advice but I'm sure it helps to know that there is someone out there that is going thru the exact same feelings.

I hope the best for you...be thankful you get to see your husband. I only get to see mine about every 3 wks now and for about 2 days...I hope that my situation changes so that I can at least see my husband more often.

Jen

My suggestion would be to tell him you feel like you do everything. Tell him that you want both of you to keep a log of everything that you both do every day and how long it took for the next 2 weeks, including hours worked at a job. At the end of that 2 weeks, show him what all you are doing and look at what all he is doing and compare the total hours spent. Hopefully this will show him how much you are doing and make him recognize that you need some help.

Welcome to the club girl! :) My hubby who has been out of town all week (sleeping in a quiet hotel room all night) is relaxing on the couch while I am babysitting a 6 month old, our 18 month old, while pregnant, and running around getting the house ready to sell! I was like are you going to get up and shower and go into the office? I'd love to rest on the couch for an hour. His response...... Even if you could, you wouldn't do it anyway. And, yeah, he's right!:)

Bottom line yours and mine are communication issues. Even if we are saying everything we feel, they hear it as BLA BLA BLA. I totally recommend books by Barbara and Allen Peace. They have been married a very long time. One title is something like, Why Men Never Ask for Directions and Women Always Want More Shoes. :) They have more with similiar type titles. As much as we nag at our hubby's to do this or that, they are just programed differently and shut off when we start. There books taught me a lot about how my nagging makes things SO MUCH worse than we even realize. Another book I have enjoyed... and skipped through b/c I got the point is, The Five Love Languages... can't remember the author. They are touch, words of affirmation, gifts, time together, and ?? can't remember. :) But, they have a test you can both take in the back (mutliple choice like we did back in middle school in teen magazines!) and it tells you which 'LOVE LANGUAGE' you are speaking. For me it was touch and my hubby it was words of affirmation. So I kept giving 'touch' b/c I wanted it and he (with my nagging) was never getting words of encouragement. So he never gave me touch... like cuddling, hugging, arm around the waist, anything b/c he couldn't stand my words I used to him. So it was an endless cycle of each not getting what we wanted.

Very interesting. All you can really do is pick your battles, PRAY!!, and trust. MOST people all want to make it work and with our partners. It is just getting caught up in the little things that makes it go south.

BEST OF LUCK! Those two books will really change your persepctive. Each time I want to screem at him, I go to my marked pages of the 'Peace' books and it reminds me of what to do.
Amanda

Don't minimize the frustration, but definitely don't assume that your husband does not want to help. Paul and I have been married thirteen years and in that time I have learned one thing more than any other. That is to assume that Paul's intentions are good. I do not always understand why he does or does not do what I think he should. If I am guessing right, it has probably been a while sense you two have taken a date night. Frustration like this flourishes when couples get too busy to date each other. I could be wrong, but if I am right, Please take time for the intimacy that made the two of you fall in love. J. McCollum

I feel your pain all to well. My husband always says he would "switch with me in a minute" but, I don't think he would. I take care of a 2 year old (who was nursing until 21-22 months) a 16 year old, and a 17 foster son. I cook clean, plan, fix, and forgive over and over again. My husband stresses easily where I am better at chaotic, so therefore I think he feels it should just be my role.

He probably changes less than 10 diapers a year. Most of the male work the boys end up doing. I feel at times being married is just another chore and kinda feel resentful to my husband. I feel bad adressing him because I know he is tired and stressed and needs his space and time, yet I need to feel like the woman he married and not a maid with benefits. I'm very grateful to not be working and to experience all the new things my little guy does. I just wish he could take into consideration how much I contribute to the family even though its not in monetary form. So yes you are not overreacting.

Yes, I have felt that way for many years. Everybody else has offered great ideas, so I just want to add a couple of points.

Don't do his wash (my husband does his own, so at least I am not resentful that I am doing that chore also), don't mow the lawn (point out to him all you do and you need him to take care of that and get a calendar and ask him when is good for him - if he still doesn't do it, then maybe pay someone to do it and have him pay for it or just let it grow sky high until he does), and don't cook for him (I cook for the kids and myself only, now if he wants some of it and is there he is welcome to it but I don't plan for what he wants or likes - he usually cooks his own and eats a little of what I prepare for the kids as a side dish).

Counseling, as others suggested, sounds like a great idea but I am doubtful that your husband will agree to it since he works such long hours - but here's hoping!

It seems in these situations the only way to get the husband/father to respond positively is to tell/show him how HE will benefit if he helps you out. For some reason saying why it will benefit YOU/MOM isn't enough. If I gently force the issue, my husband will read at night (after i have done all the work of bathing/brushing etc) so I have time to clean up the kitchen. I choose all the books in advance and have them by the bed. He likes a clean kitchen in the morning, so he is agreeable to this. I hope that helps.

I feel like I wrote this myself. Minus the working part. I stay at home,( though I wish I worked to get some hours to myself out of the house!). Sorry I'm of no help really, I'm just sympathizing with you. We've been married for almost 4yrs and have a 3.5yr old and a 1.5yr old ::pulls hair out::
Let me know when you find a resolution to this unequality because its driving me insane.

You are not overreacting. I would be furious! You are going to have to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. Decide who should do which chores and then he can do them whichever day he chooses as long as he does it once a week. He should totally be cutting the grass if you are doing all of the indoor chores. When he complains that 'this is his day off' ask him, "when is MY day off?" Plan your dinner out with girls a night that he at home and plan to leave before your daughter eats and come home after she goes to bed. Not so you don't see her but because he can make her dinner AND put her to bed sometimes. He can relax during the day if he works nights and/or relax during the night if he works days. I know many husbands who work as mgrs in the rest business and are great fathers. One friend owns a nightclub and does not get home until after 4am and yet he gets up some days and takes the kids to school and picks them up many days from school. He cuts his own grass, takes out the trash daily, etc Your husband sounds lazy and is giving you excuses b/c you take them. You should take turns putting your daughter to bed. My husband and I take turns. He travels so I put them to bed when he is gone and when he is home, he puts them to bed! Tell him that one of the neighbor's made a comment why you are cutting the grass! LOL Find out why he is so lazy and then tell him that you will not be cutting the grass or taking out the trash anymore. You just have too many other things to do! UGH that is awful. Be firm and strong!

There have been times when I've felt that way, and I think that most wives have probably experienced it at some point in their marriages. Sometimes it is just the "season" of your life that causes this. For instance, when my husband was in school and working, I knew it was going to be over eventually, and that made it somewhat bearable to know an end was in sight. However, at other times, things have just gotten out of balance. It sounds like you are experiencing that. When your marriage is out of balance, it requires both of you to evaluate what you are contributing to the relationship and the running of the household and to work together to correct the areas are putting a strain on things. For example, you might consider hiring a neighborhood kid to mow your lawn. It takes the burden off you and removes any need to be frustrated at your husband (while also easing any guilt that he might feel at not getting to those things). I think it is very important for you to communicate your frustration to your husband without accusing or criticizing. Chances are good, especially if he is under a lot of stress, that he has NO idea what you are feeling, even if you have asked him to help out more.

Hey A., I have read your question and of course there are alot of women who feel the same way you do. Now my children are grown adults now but I went through this when they were young. Here comes the part that may make everyone think some. Enjoy and treasure every moment you have with each other because you never know what tomorrow will bring. I say this to you because you see my husband use to be an over the road truck driver and then he went to Iraq to work and drive a truck which we all know how dangerous that can be. He wasn't home to do the things I thought he should be doing but I never really complained I just did them myself. Then in November he came home because of a medical problem which turned out to be a brain tumor. He lost his battle with the tumor in March of this year. He was only 50 years old and his life was cut short. I just ask that you take each day and be grateful for what you have and just talk to him and let him know your thoughts. I no longer have my husband to talk to so please try and see how things go. Please take care and God Bless.
C.

A.,

I could only skim the responses - but you have plenty and a lot of good ideas.

Communicating is so important and doing whatever it takes to keep the marriage good is so important. So do keep trying ideas...

But - I have read a couple things that I can't agree with...like: he'll soon come around, hang in there it will change. I have been married 38 years; my husband is married to his job - I tried and tried and tried everything - books, conferences, yada yada.

Life got better for me when I accepted that I was a married single mom. There is peace in acceptance. I decided to focus on my blessings and just do what I had to do.

J.
www.joyboudreau.com

Hi A.,

I think what you are experiencing is very common. I know I went through it. My girlfriend told me, before I had my baby, who is now 4 years old, that the division of labor is not equal and no matter what the major responsibility often falls on the mom. With that said I think that you should talk with your husband about taking on some weekly responsibilities. If possible, get a babysitter and go out to dinner. Present your husband with a letter explaining how you are feeling and list some of the responsibilities you need assistance with. Then ask your husband which of these duties can he take on. I hope this helps. Good Luck.

It all boils down to the fact that men and women are wired different. I never knew how much til I read this book a girlfriend recommended the other day. I read it a few hours. I never realized how far off base I was. It truly has made a significant change in my relationship with my husband and how I deal with him. I now live in a two parent household. :)

""For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men""