Annoying MIL - Looking for a Polite Way to Say No

Gee. A Grandma who sounds like she really wants to see her grandchild and comes over to see the child...makes a point to spend time with the child...and only gets "little" things on holidays.

I'm sorry, you sound SO selfish. I don't even want to say it, but you do. My parents live across the country from me and my in-laws work two jobs apiece and I would just DIE to have someone come over a few times a week and play with my children.

And seriously..."She doesn't take us out to dinner or buy us things!" YOU are an ADULT!!! You said yourself she doesn't make enough to support herself!

And she WANTS to spend time with you on Thanksgiving and you're trying to find a way to "politely" tell her she can't come...because why? Try, "Sorry, Mom, but you don't spend enough on gifts."

OK, I'm not going to comment on the question. Read your post, you say she has a job that doesn't pay enough for her to really support herself, but you are upset because she doesn't take you out to dinner or buy you gifts??

HMmmmm.

I think that Livinglife&LovingIt has some great ideas on how to politely set boundaries.

That said, you sound like a spoiled ingrate in your post - is this really how you feel about the person who raised your husband? It sounds like she's living on a limited income, which is certainly not unusual in this current economy. Not everyone makes a comfortable wage - do we then isolate and ostracize them and make them feel bad because they can't take us out to dinner or buy big gifts? I feel sorry for your MIL.

Wow. I have to say I feel sorry for her.
How would you like to have to invite yourself somewhere on a holiday to see your grandchild?
How about a little grace & mercy for her here?
Might make for a better life in the long run.
What if your sons wife treats you like this someday?
IMO, your husband SHOULD help his mom when she needs help.
Why does she have to buy you guys anything other than birthday/Christmas? IMO, better to get your own in life. You're making it sound like because she gives you nothing, she's not worth your time

Grow up and get over it. I'm sure you'll update in your SWH and let everyone know what a kind and giving person you are, but reread your post and see if that rings true. She doesn't buy you enough stuff and you actively limit her access to her family. My guess is that your parents are nicer than you are, so she's going there so that she can have some time with her son and grandchild without having to set a timer.

There is no nice way to say this because this isn't about setting boundaries in your case. You've set your boundaries (literally). This is about you being spoilled and wanting to eliminate this "stupid and annoying" person from your "perfect family holiday".

Wow, this is one of the saddest posts I have read in a while. It might just come across that way, but it sounds like you are annoyed by her poverty!

There used to be a time when families shared and helped each other where ever they could. It was considered normal for more fortunate family members to help out those who had less. And people used to enjoy sharing their wealth by inviting people over to their nice houses and sharing meals with them. When did we start nickel and diming each other for every single little thing?

I wonder if your husband feels the same way about the woman that raised him and probably sacrificed quite a bit to do so?

All I will say is that you better hope that your future daughter in law does not treat you like this...and karma is not kind. As a mother of a boy this is something you need to seriously think about.

Well, if it's your parents' house, shouldn't it be up to them whom they choose to invite? And if they invite your MIL (or allow her to "invite herself," as you say), then frankly, they sound a lot more gracious and giving than you do. So does her dad, for that matter. If he wants to help her out, what business is it of yours?

I'm sorry to be harsh. But you need to reevaluate your priorities. Your MIL spent 18+ years raising your husband to be the person he is. Extend her some kindness. Is it that much skin off your nose to have her at the house? If someone told me my home was like a hotel, I'd consider it a compliment. Let her babysit while you get out for some alone time or a date with your hubs, if you just can't take that many hours with her, but don't time her visits down to the minute! Imagine how that makes her feel.

Also, I'm surprised that you expect someone with limited finances to buy your child big presents and take you out to dinner. Based on your post, you seem to have a comfortable enough lifestyle. And yet you're disappointed because she doesn't buy you things? Do you realize how entitled you sound?

I sincerely hope this post isn't a true representation of your attitude toward life and family in general.

I did not read your other responses, but food for though for you: maybe one day when your son is all grown up and married and has a son of his own.... your son's wife will decide you are annoying and will look for ways to exclude you from the family and from the holidays and you will grow old without getting to see your grandkids nearly as often as you like and sitting at home by yourself on Christmas. Not because you did something bad or rude or mean, but because your DIL just thinks your annoying.

The woman is not perfect, but its your husbands mother, and your son's grandmother. I am all about setting boundries, etc where needed, but good grief, open your heart a little for the woman.

Moms need to be good to other moms!!

It sounds to me that she is lonely and economically challenged. She is doing her best but if she has a low paying job, she can't afford to buy expensive presents for her grandchild. But they are given with love.

Have you tried to talk to her about her finances? Have you maybe suggested that maybe she rent out a room in her home, kills two birds with one rock. She would have company and extra money. Or she could get a second job or sell her house and get condo or rent a senior low income apartment.

As far as her inviting herself to YOUR family events -- Sweetie, she is YOUR family. If I were your Mom I would encourage you to bring her or call and invite her myself. It's rotten to exclude her.

I have yet to figure out how to politely tell people I cannot stand them and dont want to be around them.

Let me know if you do though! I could def use some pointers. ;)

My kids have exactly ONE Grandparent left in this world after watching my Mom pass away from cancer last year. I feel guilty about that (not sure why but it just feels sad and I feel bad about that).

Their remaining Grandma does her best but lives 6 hours away and is not the most warm and cuddly woman in the world. She is not the easiest person to be around but I wish she were closer and the kids could have more of a relationship with her.

Count your blessings, try not to be so harsh and set some boundaries you can live with. Hopefully your MIL will be around to Grandparent your boy for a very long time!

My MIL is the best. So honestly, I am unable to feel that nor have I ever felt that with her. I think you need to relax and enjoy her around even if it makes you feel uncomfortable because she has a way of getting people to buy her things. Who cares really...it's just money and that comes and goes but your child's Grandmother? Remember she is someones Mother. Your husbands. And you are a Mother. Would you ever want to be treated crappy or told you weren't invited. Plus the holidays are coming up. Instead of calling her stupid and annoying, maybe you should be thinking of ways to have an enjoyable Thanksgiving with her presence in your husbands life and your child's life. She goes to your house to eat well and swim in your pool? That good for nothing....you said yourself she doesn't make that much money. Think about it...Good luck mama!

It's not your business, to be honest, if her 80 year old father continues to pay for her to live in that house. You sound kind of jealous, to be honest. If she sat on her butt all day and did nothing, it would be one thing, but she actually works. Perhaps she has looked out there and has seen that little apartments actually cost as much as her house costs her - unless you've researched the local housing market, you wouldn't know. She is to be commended for not asking everyone and their brother to let her live with them. She just wants to visit.

I've read countless MIL stories on this board, and quite frankly, your MIL sounds nice. You'll be a MIL one day too. Maybe your DIL will feel resentful against you just for "being", and you'll be lucky if you are unaware of your DIL's feelings. I hope she is unaware of yours. She enjoys being with your family, and it's a shame that you don't want her to come over.

In thinking about your post, it really seems like you are actively trying to marginalize her by manipulating where the Thanksgiving dinner will be so that you can prevent her from attending. I'm sorry, but that's just awful. Do you actually WANT her to sit alone at home for Thanksgiving?

Do yourself a favor and stop trying to ban her from your family. You never know when you will get a call saying that she is ill, going to the hospital, that she fell down and broke a hip, or a worse call than that. Your little boy may have limited time having a grandmother on his daddy's side.

And yeah, this advice is from someone whose MIL can no longer speak or understand what is said around her. What I'd give for her to be able to knock on my door for ANY reason...

Dawn

Ouch, no offense but your post seems quite harsh.

I didn't have a relationship with my mom. I had no family at all; no grandparents, no aunts, no uncles, no cousins, no father.

I was always alone on holidays and it's a very empty feeling. Why do you feel the need to not welcome her?

The times that people opened their doors and hearts to me was a wonderful feeling, and yes I probably stayed longer than they wanted me too but I just couldn't help myself.

Another thing for you to consider; My MIL is a Jehovas Witness. She doesn't celebrate anything. And to top it off she doesn't see her grandkids very often, even tho she lives an hour away and doesn't work and is very very well off, she doesn't buy her grandkids much at all. In fact she just bought me a gift for the first time in 15 years. I was so stunned that she said "wow you are really surprised, well I guess you would be since I've never bought you anything before".

I could care less that she bought me something but if all the gifts she will give her grandkids is her presence, I will take that over gifts any day.

Remember what the Holidays represent; FAMILY, which I finally have.

It doesn't sound like she's done anything abnormal. A lot of mothers depend on their adult children for things. As we get older, it gets harder and harder for us to do physical things and heck, isn't that what family is for?

Sorry she doesn't invite you over, but ALL of the things you complained about that she doesn't do require money. And you yourself said she doesn't make enough money to even really support herself.

Saying that your home is like a hotel is a compliment. I don't know why you'd get your panties in a bunch over that.

All in all, it just sounds like you don't care for her personality but have you ever heard the saying "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family"?

She loves her son and her grandson and just wants to visit with them in their lovely, comfortable home. And that makes you mad. So sorry. Deal with it. I would never try to help you politely tell her she's not welcome. She hasn't done anything that I can see to warrant it.

Get over yourself!

Your MIL wants to be a part of your child's life and you say she is annoying and stupid? I hope your future DIL doesn't post something like this. This is just sad.

Even after reading the SWH posting, where you kind of defend yourself against the many folks saying you sound like you resent her poverty etc. ....I still agree with them. But the SWH adds that you hold it against your MIL that she's not perfect like your own mom. Can you see how that does not help your case at all? No one can live up to your mom, so you dislike MIL all the more for that and for not being perfect with your husband as he grew up.... Well, if he needs to work on that with his mom, he should do that. Himself. Or get counseling if that's what he needs to get over mom's imperfection. But meanwhile, speaking as a parent with no living parents of my own and in-laws who are elderly, very infirm and 4,000 miles away -- If she is only annoying for overstaying her welcome sometimes and not liking to host folks at her home, you are doing better than you think. Give up the resentment over your husband's childhood, and the resentment over MIL's lifestyle that doesn't allow many gifts. Very likely she feels that after you have gone all-out entertaining her for so long that she would never be able to live up to that by putting on a spread that would meet your approval.

All I read is she does not have money to spend on you and younresent it. She wants to be a part of your sons life. Some babies do not have grandparents. I think she should be invited to your family's holiday celebration. Isn't that what family is about. Wow. In my home everyone is welcome all the time.

we are soo cool when we are young, T.. right now, at age 8, my kids think i am just the coolest mom out there. i am 37. i give it abut 20 years to myself before i become 'obnoxious, good for nothing, rely on my kids mom.' we all get old. god forbid, if i get old and have not put savings aside, i will have to depend on my children, for whom i have put my entire life on hold, and will continue to do so to make sue they have a beautiful childhood, cool teenage years and well-established young adults. then i will start looking to pick up my pieces and continue.
when i read your title i was sure you were going to get my support. i have a downright mean mother in law. a kind of person who cannot love anyone but herself. who has never expressed any desire to see our kids. christmas gifts? what are those?
then i read your post and more i read, i felt for your mother in law. it must be awful allowing her to come enjoy the fruit of you and your husband's hard work which have provided you with a beautiful home (resort-like), a pool, and to die for food you cook.
why does it bother you if she tags along to your family's get together? maybe she is lonely and wants to be with you guys and if you are already going somewhere then why not invite her too?
please don't tell her don't tag along. or better yet, please read your post and realize how you are and make a change. life is short to spend it in vain.

I wish any of my children's grandparents made that much effort for them.. :-/

honestly. i dont think i could do that. when i was with my ex thanksgiving everyone was invited that was family, friends that didnt have family, and families relatives. this means we had 22 family members at our then house and then my ex's brothers in laws would come too. we loved it! they were family too, even if J. because he married into their family.

could you behappy knowing she was home alone? you can have private alone time with your parents any time, why not let her come thanksgiving? unless you can arrange she spend it with someone else without knowing she;s disinvited i dont think its worth the next 20 years of drama that will come with it...and your husband may be on board now but when his mom and his relationship goes crappy he make blame you

If your mother-in-law likes to come over and stay at your home and visit your son, why don't you let her babysit. That way she gets time with her grandchild, and she'll be "earning her keep". You and your husband can go out for the evening and have fun. Everybody wins.

I'm sure it means a lot to your husband that your family is gracious enough to include his mother in their holidays. Your child will benefit from your family setting such a loving, kind example. I would allow it to continue.

Is this a can of worms you REALLY want to open?

I think you need to talk to your husband about this. If you BOTH really don't want her to attend, then you both need to talk to her.

But I think "a bit annoying" is just a part of family. Imagine how you'd feel if your child told you that they didn't want you to visit because you're "annoying."

Not all households are the same. You need to be open to a homelife that was different than what you had growing up. I had to realize that. Once I did, my perspective changed and it became easier. You can't judge someone based on another person. In your eyes, your MIL will never measure up to your mother. Accept they are two different people and stop comparing. I think you are being a bit controlling. You'll only drive yourself crazy ; ) Just let the chips fall where they may. The holidays are about family. I would feel terrible if my mother wanted to come by and my husband said no she can't come in.

Think hard about what your issues are, and which ones need to be addressed.
1. she is underpaid and relies on family to bridge the gap, carry the load (you feel that this isn't a valid lifestyle, and think it an imposition).
2. you feel she isn't hospitable.
3. you feel that she takes advantage of your home.
4. you feel that she overstays her welcome.
5. you feel that she intrudes on your time with your family.

You've got options. 1. You can try to change her behavior, 2. You can try to change your behavior, 3. You can try to change your attitude.

As re: Thanksgiving, don't be too big a crumudgeon. My family makes a habit of inviting those who are bachelors, spinsters, don't have family nearby, etc, because Thanksgiving is a time for sharing and for giving thanks for our bounty. Seems against the spirit of the holiday to "force" her to spend it alone.

If having her for the whole day is too annoying to your parents, why don't you have her for dinner and then go as a group to your parents with MIL in tow with a nice dessert for coffee. Alternatively, have MIL join you for dinner with your parents, then go to your house, or her house for coffee and dessert, you bring the cake.

To ice this cake, leave baby with MIL overnight, and get a cozy child free Thanksgiving eve with your hubs. MIL can, and would probably love to babysit. Further, it might, in your eyes, offset for the use of your "hotel."

Good luck to you and yours.
Remember, in the end, when family fights, everybody looses.

F. B.

It's not your job. It's your husband's job.

Having said that I know some hubbies have a hard time telling mom no so......
Have an early Thanksgiving (say on Sunday) at your house and make sure she understands that you consider this to be the holiday with her and you will not be seeing her Thursday.

I just have to say to anyone who thinks this sounds like my recent post -- mine isn't "stupid and annoying," mine was more like extremely negative and critical and controlling and sometimes outright mean, to put it very very mildly.

Just needed to defend myself since I agree with most of the responses below. :)

I feel sorry for your mother-in-law. I sure hope my little boy someday marries someone that likes me. This question makes me worry for my future.

You have to start setting boundaries with her. No matter what she says, you repeat. I'm sorry ______ that won't work for us.

When she starts to stay too long, you say on the day she is supposed to leave, Can I help you pack up? It was great seeing you. Unfortunately we can't have you stay any longer...we have some other commitments . She will pout and play the victim but you have to stay strong and say NO. That won't work for us.

If she continues to disregard your boundaries, you will have to tell her flat out NO she can not come over and stay and can't come to family events until she respects your rules.

When she invites herself to your parents, you say----Oh ____I know you want to come, but unfortunately this visit is only for our family. Its time for the other grandparents to have some one on one with our son. Maybe another time.

I think your first mistake is that you are the one dealing with it. Make your husband have these conversations! its his mom. I would just have him say that you and your son (and him) need some time with just your family so they can have alone time with their grandson. and that you'll have some time along with her the next day or the day before. or for christmas. whatever it is. but that you just want some one on one time with each side of the family.

I am not fully aware of your situation but it would be akward to have an in law at a event not of her family. For that I would just politely say that Mom How about we do your thanksgiving this day so that me hubby and baby can go to my parents this day. Try to make them close so that she still feels like it is a holiday.

As for the long stays, my grandmother does this and I know the feeling of just go away. I love her to peices but I need my space to. How I deal with it is just start planning stuff. Dont let her get the luxury of the hotel life. And when you stated that it was time to go leave to the park or something and tell her Mom I love you but we are about to get busy and I think you would be happier at home. Can I help you pack up?

Say it ubber nice (I cant believe I just typed ubber), not making her able to feel the victim but still stern. And if all else fails make it your fault. "Mom I am starting to get really stressed and think I need a day alone"

Maybe this year you can say that your going to your parents house. You can say I cannot invite anyone extra as my siblings will all be their with there own familys. Tell her your letting her know ahead of time so she can make plans to have dinner with someone. I might even ask her to dinner a week before Thanksgiving so she can see your son. Nothing big just a causual dinner. Good luck!

What does your husband say/want to do?