Angry Toddler

I've had success with naming my daughter's feelings for her. "I can see that you're angry, I can see you are upset that we don't live with daddy anymore", etc. It takes time, and counseling is never a bad idea with a break up, but you'll get it under control. Take care, I know it's very hard right now.

C.

I won't go into the psychology but I would like for you to suggest doing more drawings. This would be great for her because she is too young for words. Also, do you have a doll house? This too would allow her to act out her feelings. Both of these suggestions sound very simple but would allow her to work through things.

As painful and insecure as you feel the separation is affecting your daughter, my best honest advice is to not portray that as a concern when she is doing the tantrums. It could be the separation, but more than likely it's a culmination of things, i.e. growth spurts, nervous system changing, little brother jealousy, AND the change in dynamics of "home", not only in just missing a person but also gaining new territory. My 3 year old had the same. But we moved across country. Be strong and vibrant knowing you are doing the best thing by making those changes now instead of an even harder transition later. They'll bounce right back. My other advice is to whisper (if she's not breaking a rule and then screaming) and act out big facial expressions like you are telling her a treasure map is behind the couch. She might calm down enough to hear you so you can get her focus diverted onto an activity. THEN talk to her about her anger. And if that doesn't work try the invisible thing if you can hack it. That one takes a LOT of patience. Just ignore her but always immediately declare, "I can't hear screaming. It hurts my ears too much." Then walk away to somewhere inviting for her to join. When she realizes she can't win your attention that way and comes to you without crying or screaming make sure to give her lots and lots of praises and affection and thank her for not screaming anymore. Then ask her "Were you angry about something?" I come from separated parents and the more of an issue you make it the more of an issue it will be. The world is full of different kinds of families. Address her feelings about her dad without giving them to her. I don't agree with a couple of the responses mainly because at that age you may be "feeding" her more of an emotional stint than her feeling it. Unless she is crying for Daddy don't presume that she's doing it out of trauma from the separation. Changes happen and you have to be the model for her to see that just because change happens doesn't mean you stop loving her or that her dad stops loving her or that she gets to act however she feels. Anger is ok to feel but it's not something we want to hold on to. Start telling her all the good things that come from this change...2 cool rooms, 2 Christmas', and fun sleepovers at dad's (if that's the case). But I do suggest counseling at a later stage. Presumably 5 when thoughts and feelings are more easily expressed to a child psychologist. Even if she stops the screaming. It's always good to address the prior memories before they become buried. This way she has more understanding of what had happened and can put it in the past as recognized but resolved.

Big transition for all of you -- art/sand tray/play/drama therapy are all wonderfully effective for this age group.

My daughter was 4 when her dad & I split up, and I had her work with a creative arts therapist for several months after because I could not be all that she needed right then. You have a new baby, are grappling with being a single parent, and just plain being single - this can be a really hard time to be everything your daughter needs, your baby needs AND meet your needs too. Getting support for her and for you if you can, whether it is through a therapist or church group or family, is showing her how to responsibly manage a situation that feels hard.

My daughter used the therapist for several months, then we all agreed it was a good time to end it. We did this a couple more times as she was growing up, when she reached new developmental stages and needed to work through it from a different perspective.

My daughter is now 21, and is one of the most balanced, emotionally intelligent people I know.

Good luck.

H.-I am sorry to hear about the life changes you are experiencing right now. You've received a lot of good advice-but I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents.

3 is a diffcult and very emotional age-even without trauma and life changes. You did not give an example of what makes her mad-but unless she is screaming and crying about the fact that daddy is not there-don't assume she realizes the connection in her anger and your seperation-even if you know that is the underlying problem.

Try to address the thing she seems to be angry about at the moment-rather than making it the larger issue (like "I think you're sad/angry about daddy being gone"). When she is calm, there are some great, age appropriate books about emotions that you can read with her- 2 that come to mind are "When Sophie gets mad, really, really mad" and "I feel...can't remember the whole title but goes through lots of good and sad emtions." It may help her to find some words for how she feels. There are also books on family changes, such as separation and divorce.

Also-she probably feels that she has no control over anything (which is frustrating to every 3 y/o)-so try to create things in her daily routine-where she is the one that has control.

And keep in mind her behavior may be a reaction to your mood/stress-even if you don't realize it-kids are excellent at reading unspoken emotions-and it can really stress them out. So make sure that when you are discussing emotions, that you let her know that you have them too (keep it simple, not about mommy/daddy problems). And make sure in all this that you take care of you-in the long run that is the best way to be able to take care of your kids.

Best of luck.

Dear H.,
I am 45 and went through a divorce 11 years ago.
My son wasn't even 2 years old. My daughter was 11.
My husband made a ton of money. We had everything. I walked away from all of it.
I know that marriage is sacred and you should try to preserve the family. But, when weapons are involved, it's time to get out.
I don't know what caused you to be separated. It's none of my business. But, if it was traumatic, you definitely should seek counselling. For your daughter as well as yourself. And don't think the 6 month old is oblivious.
Rule #1: NO SCREAMING IN YOUR HOUSE!
That goes for every body.
If your daughter starts screaming, ask her to quiet down and use her words and if she won't....plug your ears. Say "I can't hear you when your are screaming" and walk away. Sit down on the sofa and say that you will listen when she is not screaming anymore. Just keep repeating that.
When she is calm, talk to her about her feelings. She is very young. One thing I learned from therapy is never to ask a kid "why?" questions, because they often don't know why or how to put it into words.
Let her draw or paint her feelings.
The other thing...
If you can put your marriage back together, do it.
If you can't, don't go back and forth like maybe you will be together, maybe you won't.
If it's over, your kids can be able to begin to accept it. Waffling in that regard is not a good thing.
It's too confusing for them.

I've been a single mom a long time. I know you can get through whatever you have to. If you want calm and laughter in your house...you have to set the tone.

Best of wishes.

Hi H.,
First, my sympathies on your divorce-- it's not a decision anyone makes lightly, especially not with a toddler involved. If you have't read 'How To Talk So Kids Will Listen' by A. Faber-- your daughter needs more ways to express her anger, and that's a good guide so you can help her with that.
Counseling could be very good-- ask your pediatrician for a recommendation.

Hi H.,

Go to handinhandparenting.org. There is some very useful information in regards to little ones who have had some significant "trauma" in their lives and it gives great suggestions/tools for dealing with that. My son is almost 4 and he is a rager at times and we really feel that it is due to birth trauma. (if you believe in that) We manage him in a whole different way now and he responds much better. Sometimes you just need to sit with them and let them cry, tantrum, whatever until their done. Just let them know that you're there for them, sit close and wait it out.

Hope this helps!

L.
mom to 6 year old girl and almost 4 boy.

Hi H.-!

Let your daughter be mad - try not to give her the message that her feelings are 'wrong'. The only way out of this is through - meaning that she has to go through her feelings and process them - if she shoves them down or isn't allowed to express herself, they will ALWAYS come out in other, more destructive ways.

If you have left your daughter's father, then there is probably also the tension that was in the house before this change as well. The biggest thing you can do for your daughter is to hold her, love her, and tell her you are glad she is your daughter and that her dad loves her too - and if she is upset - let her work through it - let her be upset. Let her figure out her new life situation in a safe environment provided by you - and I know this must be hard for you too-!
Talking to her won't do much good at this age - they can't critically think yet - and with this much emotion, she can't fit it all into only words like adults can - verbal processing won't work very well until age 6 or 7 -

It is OK for you to show your feelings as well -

Good luck in your new situation!

Get her professional help now. My friend was in a similar position. Her husband ended up moving out when her oldest was 2 and the baby was just new born...it was a good thing he moved out. But her oldest was angry and now over 4 years later he is still angry and has many behavior issues and I'm pretty sure they all stem from that event. If you get her help now, hopefully she'll be better off soon.

Good luck I know you're in a tough postition.

this brings tears to my eyes. My dad left my mom and me when I was only just turning 5 because my mom was ill and ready to die. My mom died later that same year. I was VERY angry. Angry at my parents. Angry at the world. Angry at myself for still being here when I felt it was all my fault. (I had a little help in being reminded of that "fact" from my grandparents though) I used to beat other kids up and was in fact expelled from public school by the end of 2nd grade.
Although my situation was different, the feelings are the same.... feelings of confusion, betrayal, abandonment and sadness. Let her scream. Let her cry. Hold her. Tell her that her feelings are all right. Of course, continue to encourage her to use her words, but she might not be able to. She may not possess the ability to express what she is really feeling in her heart. You might have to express them for her.
Spend special time with her because she could be feeling like you're going to leave her too.

I am sorry to hear about the changes going on. I know it's a tough time for all of you.

I absolutely agree with Jennifer. Let your daughter get her anger out...as long as she is not hurting anyone else. Your daughter mostly likely feels that you took her away from daddy and blames you for not seeing him (although she doesn't know enough to express it) and may be scared that you'll go away too. Don't engage in arguements with her. Tell her you will talk to her when she calms down and walk away. Lots of hugs, holding hands, and curling up on the couch together go a long way toward giving her a secure feeling. Spending time with her with the focus being on what she wants to do gives her a feeling of control during this time when she doesn't have any.

One thing I tell both my girls (7&9) is that I can't help if I don't know what the problem is. Sometimes I have to repeat this several times until they really hear me.

I hope this helps.

You need a behavoiral specialist (ABA THERAPY)
This really works!!!
Ask your pediatrician for a referal...

Love, G.. :0)
http://stemcellforautism.blogspot.com/

Dear H.,

It sounds like your daughter has very good reason to be angry. Life changes out of our control, make us as adults angry so her being three it should be even more understandable. I am not saying that you are not making the right decision, I am just saying her reaction is normal and justified.

That being said, it is great to encourage her to use her words and all of that, but sometimes I think we need to just get down on her level and tell her that it is OK to be angry and to feel bad, and that you feel that way too sometimes. Tell her that she should tell you what is going on with her, and that while it is ok to be angry she doesnt need to throw tantrums for her to express it to you.

Here's the deal though... She is 3 and she doesnt really have the vocabulary to express to you how she feels. A lot of her anger is probably frustration at not being able to express that she is angry and that she is scared and that she is just unable to tell you all of those things. Give her the words by acknowledging what she is feeling for her. Most of all be patient, even if you are not feeling it, because all though you must be going through a lot to have had to make that decision, you are an adult and hopefully more able to vent to a friend than she is.

I am so sorry for this tumultous time in your lives. Lord willing, you will be able to recover more quickly than you imagined.

J.

I can identify with your situation somewhat as I have a now-five year old who has trouble adjusting to some recent changes in his life too. At three, I think that primarily lots of displays of affection are needed during times of stress. The way you know when you are giving enough hugs/kisses/cuddles is when your child asks you to stop! Many times a day, show affection. Reassurance constantly.

One thing that helps is to define the problem, putting words to the scary feelings she doesn't understand. When a child hears that mama knows what's going on and isn't afraid of it, and has a plan for fixing it (more or less, lol) they feel much better. Use words that describe feelings "you are feeling ________ right now. It's ok to feel _______. Sometimes you worry about_________. It's really hard to have to________." Those kinds of phrases help her identify her feelings and also, importantly, validates them. Let her take her fill of Mama, as much of you as she needs. She might behave in ways that seem younger, and that's ok, fill up her mama bank whenever she shows that it's running low. It can take awhile to refill it, I know, days or weeks even, so be sure to refill yours too!

Hi H.,

I am sorry that you and your kids are going through such hard time. I think you are getting a lot of good advice. The only thing I would add is to have one on one time with your daughter if you can, doing things outside the house with her on a regular basis without her little brother. It can be a trip to the supermarket to get special treats, play at a nearby playground, a walk, etc. Make sure she know how special she is to you and her dad. Good luck and god bless!

C.

When my oldest son was 2 1/2 he experienced a similar trauma and we did seek the help of a professional. She taught me the protocol for sand therapy and I have used those guidelines to work with all four of my children and I have helped other parents by sharing the info. The results for us were astounding. Let me know if you are interested in teh details. Good luck.

H.,

It sounds like such a tough time for you and your family. I am sorry you are going through this hard time. My suggestion for your daughter is when she is in that fit or you get a clue that she may start one, offer that she go scream into a pillow in her room and let all of her anger out. Then when she is done screaming, she can come and draw pictures of why she is angry or anything that she wants to draw. Art has such a healing effect on children and adults-especially when the can't fully express their feelings. Tell her if she wants to talk about why she is upset, you will listen. Tell her its ok to be mad, sad,confused etc. about daddy being away and being in a new house. The more outlets you can give her to process her grieve, the better. She sounds like she is struggling with normalcy in her life- give her something normal to hold onto- try to keep her routine as close as possible to what she is used to. I hope this helps and remember..this too shall pass.

Molly

Dear H.,

Your husband calls everyday and sees his children several times a week. That's a good start. You just had a baby and now have been left alone with two small children. What is he doing for you?

Perhaps you are leaving the only home your children have ever known, which will cause additional anxiety for ALL of you. If this is not your first choice, is there anyway you can stay? (At least for a few months while everyone adjusts to this new situation).

Have you or your husband done the “unthinkable”? Gone to someone else? Committed a crime? Become abusive in ANY way? Your baby is only six months old, could it be love is very wounded but not completely dead?

If you children saw animated arguments or heard a lot of fighting, shouting (screaming) between you and your husband, that may be part of the behavior problems your daughter is now exhibiting. If you are crying a lot and are visibly depressed, (which is perfectly understandable), both kids will pick up on it. So while it may be difficult, I would try to maintain a normal routine. I’m not suggesting you must be all smiles all the time, because I know you can’t.

Many people (regular and experts) will say the welfare of your children is the most important thing. Some people will tell you that taking care of yourself is the most important thing. (While I believe you can’t take care of others until you take care of yourself, I DO NOT subscribes to the ME FIRST theory).

I believe that taking care of the WHOLE family is the most important thing. So lastly H., before you call it a day with your marriage, please try again. Both you and your husband should consider each other and your children. Pray and meditate for a long time before you do this.

I know you have already done this, maybe more then once. It’s OK, try it again.

God bless and hold your family in his arms.

P.S.
Those of you who are offended by the mention of God and church, please know I mean NO offense. I sometimes find myself being offended by the Godless and unchurched, because there is so much sorrow, hatred, and unhappiness in this world. This will not keep me from caring about all mankind.

Try a child psychiatrist or psychologist. One that does play based therapy would probably be best. They work without using a lot of "talking". Good luck.

HI H.,

if nothing else works, i can look at her inwardly and assess what is going on physically, emotionally, energetically and give you some suggestions. my add is under TRUST THE CHILDREN, under spirituality and other parenting. i give 20% off mamasource and it does not take me long to read!

###-###-#### for phone sessions

I am in marin if you want to come in person.

best wishes!
A. magdalen, MFT