Anger Management Issues in 4 Year Old?

My daughter is now 7 and she still to this day has anger issues. Her daddy left us after 6 years and she holds that against me. It took her a long time to tell me what her problem is. She is sassy, hateful and ugly. She pulls her hand up like she is going to hit me and we have to talk to get her to understand that that behavior is not appropriate or respectful. I have had to take away all of her toys and tv...leave only her bed and clothes dresser in there....so she knows I am not playing. There is no reason to reward her, but I need to show her I love her, so we will read together and take the time to do things together. She loves me, but she doesn't deal with the anger well. As she shows me more respect and does things to help around the house, she gets more of her things back. If she gets ugly, I take some away. I tried her on ADHD medications, due to her hyperactivity, but she can control it just as easily with or without the medicine...be careful....Dr's want to put them immediatly on Ritalin and Adderol but I tried Vitamin B-12 Complex and it does the same thing for her and its healthier. Just be cautious and follow your heart on this instead of what Psychologists and Psychiatrists say. They just want the money from the pharmacies for pushing meds. Sorry this is so long....just be cautious and let your son know you love him but what he is doing is unacceptable.

I'm so sorry you're having trouble. I, too, am divorced and my 4-year-old had major anger issues but only with me and her dad, not at school.

I looked into and attended Rainbows at a local church with my daughter. It helped so very much. She's now five and I'm looking for another group now that I've moved. I'm also looking for a professional family therapist to help us deal with our grief. Divorce is so very hard.

Finally, I suggest you talk to the daycare workers. A good approach to an angry child (or adult for that matter) is to avoid confrontation. Instead, allow the child to come up with a solution to the problem. For example, if a child is throwing a tantrum and throws a toy across the room, wait until the tantrum is over (during the tantrum ignore the behavior. If you can, put the child in a separate, safe room away from others until he calms down). Once the child is calm. Get down on his level and sincerely speak to him. Ask him "what just happened here?" "Let's talk about this." It sounds like you were angry. Is that right? Do you want to talk about this? You threw a toy. Is that appropriate behavior, should you do that? What can you do the next time you feel angry? Let's figure out some other things you can do instead of throwing toys." etc. You get the idea.

The point is to allow the child to come up with the solution. He's probably strong willed anyway so bossing him around only makes it worse.

I hope the daycare workers will work with you on this. It's a very effective way to solve the problem but it does take a lot of time initally. However, using that method works, it puts the responsibility of good behavior back on the child, the child feels in control of himself (a good feeling), and it a great way to model appropriate behavior, self-correction, and communication to the other children.

Good luck!

Hi i have 3 sons aged 7, 5 and 2, and their personalities could not be more different, my eldest child and youngest are calm and generally carefree, but my middle child is very stubborn and hot headed, he often loses his temper and bangs doors, when he loses his temper it is a sight to behold, i tried many things that did not work e.g shouting, smacking, standing in the corner sending to room etc.(he has had a problem since he was born he cried every two hours for the first 6months of his life, climbed out of his cot at 9months because he did not want to go to bed, crawled all around the supermarket screaming at the age of 3 etc etc, I found the best solution to let him know that it is ok to get angry but it is how that anger is shown that is the problem. My son will always be a hot tempered boy, but he is also very loving and sporty, and i am always letting him know that his bad temper is just one of his characteristics and he has many great things about him too, we try to laugh about things, i set him boundries, but try to be flexible (some fights are not worth having and some need to be air tight - choose your arguments with him careful and preserve your enery for the ones that count!) I have certain rules that are not for negotiation no hitting, violence etc and that he must always apologise to whoever he has upset (after he has calmed down). We always cuddle after an episode and i always tell him i love him, i find during these moments to remind him of the good things he has done, and how proud i am of him when he behaves, he responds really well to a star chart and i make a real fuss of him. when he is a bout to lose his temper and he pulls back from it, or if he comes out of it quickly i tell him well done, and that i understand how hard it was control. Anyway i hope i havnt gone on too long, and i wish you all the luck with your son, always know that we all have bad days and i know how exhausting they are, but keep loving your son and know that he will grow up knowing that he is loved.

I had the same situation with my then 4 year old son. I tried to put him in a kindergarten (we had just moved from out of state where daycares prepare kids for kindergarten at 4). He stayed 3 weeks with his behavior getting progressively worse, kicking his teacher and coach, throwing crayon box, and spitting in another child's face. He too did not like to follow directions and he really likes to dictate how things will be done. The school made the mistake of calling me and asking me to come and talk to him during one of his fits. From then on his behavior got worse because he thought if he acted badly then he would get to see mom. They finally suspended him and asked him not to come back. I took him to see a child psychologist, Dr. Miriam Drummonds with Adult and Child Development in Southside. She is a wonderful doctor. She told me that he was having separation anxiety from me and to let my mother take him to school for me and he would have a much better day. She also advised me to not give in to his demands at home and to be consistent with discipline. If he is acting poorly, he doesn't get his way.
He also only gets to see his dad 4 days a month as he lives out of state. Our divorce was final October 2005 and he will be getting remarried the end of this month. This has created some new issues with my son that we are trying to work out.

Hello Mom,

Please don't allow the daycare to "label" your "4-year" old child!!!! First of all, he's a boy so there are a lot of different dimensions involved like an innate ability to lead others and command attention. Also, he may be going through withdrawal from his dad. (I'm a divorced parent of a son also-we separated when he was 4 too!)And with the dad not involved in his life as actively as before it really has a mental affect on the child. It was hard the first few years--an emotional rollercoaster for us both, however, please know this is completely normal!!! All I ask is that you have patience and communication with your son--NO! don't baby him,(we mothers tend to overdo that) just allow him to express himself. Also, explain to your daycare the home situation so that you both can come up with solutions to handle his anger. I'm not saying don't see a doctor, however, it is very little they can do at his young age. I hope this helps. Should you have additional questions, please email me at ____@____.com

My son is 5 years old now and his aggression has tapered down tremendously.Starting at 3 1/2 yrs. he started attending daycare and was very aggressive,stubborn,and mischievious.I used to get calls all the time,every week about his bad behavior.Finally,I decided to take him to a pediatric specialist in behavior disorders with Knoxville Pediatric Associates in west Knoxville.She said that he had early signs of oppositional defiant disorder/ADHD.He was put on Clonidine to calm him down,but it made him tired.I took him off the meds;there were others he was put on.I finally had to put my foot down,and had his caregivers be more stern with him.I changed daycares soon after and he was doing alot better.I prewarned them of his past behavior, so they were stern with him from the very beginning and it worked.You have to really concentrate on him on a daily basis and teach him that hitting,biting,etc. is not exceptable at home or in daycare, and he will be punished if it happens.Sooner or later he will get the hint.

Whew! After reading your story i feel A LOT better about mine! I am a single momas well adn my son is 4. And boy is he hostile, "horrible" and everything else you said! His tantrums and fits get so bad sometimes i myself began to wonder if he had a problem. Especially since some of my family members were beginning to say. "that's not normal", and "you should talk to a doctor about his behavior", and of course his father said "He's never like that for me!" I changed some of my discipling habits and I try to be more of a parent instead of a friend, which requires me to be a lot more firm. That was hard at first because i am a single mom. I ralize all 4 year old boys have their special way to express themselves. Mine is completely normal!

I would also check with the doctor about side effects of his medications. I used to care for a child who was on prednisone and it completely changed his temperament! He went from an easygoing child to one who would throw tantrums, bite etc. Just a thought. I'm sure there's more than one factor at work here, but the medicine may not be helping matters.