Anger

Updated on August 27, 2008
J.S. asks from Aurora, IL
9 answers

I just saw the letter about someone dealing with anger and I didn't know if someone could help me understand what I'm going through. I will put this out right of the start we are a christian family and want to do what God commands in the bible. We've recently had a new baby this year and I lost one in between my first daughter who will be 3 in October and my little girl will be 7 months this week. My husband just told me that I've been yelling at my oldest one after he comes home a lot and not for stuff that I should be and I yelled at my husband last night for not helping me out with household chores like laundry and he says that I've been really angry lately and the only thing I can think of is that we had to start sticking to a budget this year or we would've had to file for bankruptcy and I'm trying to learn to respect my husband as the bible says, but I'm just plain tired and angry I guess all the time. Plus I feel that I have no friendships and my daughter who is almost 3 is home a lot and has no one to play with and that makes me feel bad for her. She loves to be outside and some days I'm just not up for going to the park and I still work around nap times. Please help is anyone else going through this??

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K.G.

answers from Chicago on

I have had some problems with getting upset easily too. I started taking vitamin B every morning. It helps with mood swings. I have been much more calm since doing this. Try it.

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D.Y.

answers from Chicago on

First of all congrats on your daughters. Secondly, I'm so sorry about your loss. We lost our first child in Jan. 2005 which was our first pregnancy. My husband was hit really hard and it affected our faith. We haven't prayed together since. God blessed us with a beautiful boy in Feb. 2006.

As for the anger, congrats on being able to say you are angry. I am a Christian too and have learned that not all the biblical teachings in the churches on anger are either biblical or appropriate. Anger is a very healthy and expected emotion. Usually it triggers us to see that something is going wrong and for lack of a better wording that we are somehow getting screwed. (I tell the teenagers I work with this and they agree). Now you need to figure out how you are getting screwed and what needs to be done to lessen the stresses.

I can only imagine the strength you have being a stay at home mom with two kids. I work and it's hard feeling like a part time mom but you get to be there for every blessed question, rereading of the same book for the nth time and all the other little things. Praise God for your strength. But remember you are human and you need help.

We also, just this month, started a budget and are actually sticking to it. It doesn't seem like it would be hard but for me it has been extremely hard. and it's only the first month. Congrats on taking that step.

Now I only am home full time on the weekends but we live in Naperville and have a 2 1/2 yr old. I would like to extend myself and my family to get together with you guys for a playdate. Let the kids play/fight together and we can have adult conversation. I don't have many friends around either. All my friends from high school are unmarried and most don't have kids. I have one friend in my condo complex which is great. and a couple of years ago our bible study broke up so we lost some of those friends as well.

Please feel free to e-mail me. That's a non-threatening way to start. [email protected]____.com I hope you accept.

God will help but acknowledging your anger is the first step, learning how to take a step back and learn how to appropriately express it is the second (that's the hardest part). Good luck and I hope we can be friends.

DEB

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J.R.

answers from Chicago on

Oh sweetie! Cut yourself some slack. You're little one is still little & it's hard to do anything w/ them when you feel like you're always stuck to a schedule. Not to mention that it's still very new that you experienced a very traumatic thing in losing a child - I am soooooo sorry to hear that! Also, if you are the one that's home w/ your children all day, every day, it can be very frustrating, repeating yourself over & over, etc etc etc! Maybe your husband should take them for an entire day & give you a break, & then see if he still feels the same way...he might find himself doing the same thing!

Or do you think maybe you might have post partum depression (I did & it affected me almost a year after I had my son!)? Or maybe it's possible that you have post traumatic stress disorder, because of the loss of your child. Have you ever talked to anyone about that? Is your husband a supportive listener? I have no idea what it's like to lose a child, but I am a very good listener if you want to maybe meet up or e-mail. I did have a miscarriage before I had my son & that was traumatic enough! Again, I am so sorry for you loss! Keep me posted...I hope everything starts to turn around for you. And please do not hesitate to contact me.

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C.K.

answers from Chicago on

I found myself getting really angry during my first PMS after having my second child. I knew however that this was not how I wanted to behave or feel, and that I just didn't have time to be this way because I had three people depending on me to take care of them and our home. I immediately called my Dr. who suggested someone to talk to as well as a prescription of a low dose of zoloft. Turns out that PPD can rear its ugly head as anger. I was starting to resent my hubby and kids and now am so glad I got help. I have a lot more energy, and can again pick my battles. I still "feel emotions", which I was really worried about, and though it took my body a few weeks to get used to it, Im getting better. I know that this is temporary, but its a big help taking the edge off as my hormones are leveling out. My best advice to you is get help before it gets out of hand...God helps those who help themselves. Whether or not you believe in the use of meds there are advisers, counselors, and support groups that can help you.

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L.H.

answers from Chicago on

I am a Christian wife who has been and continues to be in your place from time to time. I took a bible study course at my church last year and will be taking it again starting the first week of Sept.
It is called "A Wife of Noble Character" Wow did it help. Not only for my marriage but also for myself. You also get to connect with other woman with the same issues.
The church name is "Christ Community Church" in St. Charles. You do not have to belong to attend. They have such great resources there. Child care for most classes are available in their kids world at the church. Check out the web site if it sounds interesting to you.

http://www.ccclife.org

Under get connected - Community groups.

I hope all works out for you.
Many blessings

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C.N.

answers from Chicago on

I am sorry to hear of your loss. My situation is somewhat similar to yours although a little different. I am home with a 3 year old and a new baby and had a couple losses in the middle of those. I think it is fair to say these things- you have experienced a lot of stress over the last few years and have every right to be coping with those stressors. On top of that, the budget crunch that is hitting so many of is also stressful! My husband doesn't necessarily agree with some of the things I yell at our 3 yo about- but he isn't home all day watching my son's behaviors so he does "miss" some things that I see as problems because I see them all day.

I too have few friends, could you or your husband take her to the park or to the mall at night to play with other kids? What about a Mom's group or getting involved at a church? I don't know your religious beliefs but there are some great churches in the area that would be a great place to meet people! Hang in there! It can be hard some times!

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B.A.

answers from Chicago on

Hi, J.. First I have to tell you that I am single, but I'm also a Christian. I also think that you need to cut yourself some slack. The birth of a baby, still dealing with the emotions of losing a child, making changes in finances - these are all reasons for going through what you're going through. It's a "normal" part of life when any of these things happen. You're probably trying to process life as it is now after each of these changes.

As for your church, do you not have close friendships there? I have incredible friends in my church, and honestly, without them, and sometimes even with them, I'd be feeling alot like you do. I don't know, but maybe it's time to start looking for a different church. But you also have to allow friendships in your life then, "put yourself out there" so to speak. Get involved, maybe with the childrens' ministry.

When you're feeling angry, stop and pray right then. If you don't feel like being happy, pray anyway, and tell God that. (He already knows, but sometimes it helps us alot to acknowledge that in our own words!) Keep going to God with this, and keep being honest with yourself about it. Ask your husband to help out a little more around the house in the evening, not so that he's doing everything, of course, but to ease up your evening load. Apologize to your daughter when necessary.

If you are still in the same emotional state after doing those things, get medical attention (maybe don't even wait to see). It could be depression. Also, seek out a counselling group for women. There are many churches that have a counselling group called Celebrate Recovery (I'm pretty sure that's what it's called). My church offers something very similar. I've gone myself for quite some time, for problems not related to chemical addiction.

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J.S.

answers from Chicago on

Most likely it is a combination of hormones, grief and exhaustion. You also might have some post partum depression issues. I recently finished treatment for ppd and I can tell you the change in my emotions from when I started treatment to now are unbelievable. I was also constantly angry, wasn't enjoying taking my son out anywhere, was frustrated with my family, etc. I did not take medication. I just did regular talk therapy. What prompted me to get treatment was watching my son become very aggressive and difficult. My husband pointed out that I was constantly yelling at him and my son. Check with your church and see if they have any support groups or resources for you that would be free since you're on a limited budget.

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N.B.

answers from Chicago on

Since you mentioned you are a Christian, I will start with a Proverb (paraphrased by me) "In your anger do not sin, lie on your bed and be silent".

As others have stated, you are going through several emotional stressors, any one of them taken alone is enough to test the strongest persons patience - and you have several! Between the loss of a child, birth of another, and financial issues - your life most likely feels out of control. Your outbursts show a great deal of emotional pain under the surface.

First, take Gods advice and give yourself a timeout. Take a nap, go for a walk, take a bath (or shower), do something to calm down. Give yourself some quiet time to think, dwell or pray.

Then get yourself a support system. This can be your church, family or close friends. Confide in them, your trusted advisors, your burden is always lighter when shared. Our society is so cut off, you need people in your life to talk to and maybe moms of other toddlers so your daughter starts a social circle.

Lastly, if you still feel out of control visit a qualified therapist. You may need some help finding coping skills or even medication. There is no shame in either one of those, you have been through so much - needing help to move on is normal.

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