An Emotional Nightmare Am I Wrong

B.,
Have you ever been to an Alanon meeting? If not, you really should go. Your parents are addicts. Alanon will help you identify and deal with the manipulative behavior of addiction. And they will help you determine what boiundaries need to be set with the addicts in your life.

You cannot apply logic and reason to the actions/life/attitudes of an addict. Your mom needs detox and recovery. BUT she needs to want this for herself. Maybe not having access to your son will make her think long and hard about her choices and needs.

Your mom is sick and while she does deserve your empathy, like any ill person does, you do not deserve the misery that comes from the bad choices of an addict.

I, personally, would not let her watch my child. Ever.

You can do some rules like these for example:
1. She may visit you at any time, as long as she's sober in your home.
2. She may not call you on the phone when she is NOT sober. If she does call drunk, just hang up on her.

You are right that your first priorities should be your marriage and your child.

Alanon will help you. Really.
You can also read the book: Adult children of Alcoholic Parents. Many times kids of alcoholic parents get very caught up in the role of peacemaker, comic relief or pleaser. Identify whether you are doing that.

God bless and best of luck!

You've got to cut them out of your life for yourself and your children s sake. You can not fix your parents. They may never get help, and you can not afford to have your children exposed to this. Get a restraining order, change your phone and email address. The last thing you need is someone who is drunk, suicidal and playing with a hand gun to be any where near you or your kids.

B.,

She took your son to a bar? So she was obviously drinking while he was in her care? Did she drive?

I am the child of an alcoholic too, but there isn't any way he's babysitting my child if I can't trust him to remain sober while doing so. It appears your mother isn't the only one who has issues with boundaries, you clearly aren't following through on threats or consequences to bad behavior and you are enabling your mother by feeding her need for drama.

If you tell her she cannot babysit, to stop calling and verbally abusing you and your family and she continues - DO SOMETHING about it. Change your number, get a restraining order - enforce consequences. If you think I'm being harsh because she is your parent then you still aren't getting it.

This sounds like a very bad situation for your family to be in and children who grow up around alcoholics have long term problems as a result. You are a perfect example of that, as am I for that matter.

Don't perpetuate the drama. Walk away.

Oh Sweety Hugs to you, You are SO right, You need to seperate your kids from this behavior. They need to see that this is not exceptable no matter who you are. I realize this is your Mom, but she is SO distructive. You all need to change your numbers and stuff. If you want to keep he in your life then fine give her a limited contact to just you. Once she has sought help and you feel she is stable then let her around your kids, but all of them not just your son. It is all or nothing. It is not fair to your daughter to be left out(even though in this case it migt be the best but..) She will forever wonder what was wrong with her that G-ma did not care about her for. I am shocked at the fact she took the baby to a bar, OMG that would be it!! My father is also an alcoholic and I have made it clear if he is to be around my children he is to be sober. He meet my requirements and not respects me for it. It is hard to say point blank to your parents they are not fit to be around your kids, but you are the mom now and it is about what you want for them, and we all want better then what we had.

I am so proud of you for standing your ground, keep it up.

I think you owe it to your son and your marriage to keep this woman at arm's length. You've given her the path to return to your life: Get Help.

And if you're not already in support groups for children of alcoholics, I think it would be worth a try. I'd think a group like that would offer the day-to-day support you need to know you're doing the right thing, you are NOT the reason your mom drinks, and your kids need a safe and stable environment most of all.

I too have an alcoholic mother. Maybe not to the extreme of yours but can feel some of your pain. I ended up moving out of state in order to save my marriage and help her help herself. Maybe it was the easy way out, but I felt by being there I almost enabled her to continue. I had to take her to the hospital once to have her hydrated. Had I not been there, she would have had to admit to somebody else that she had a problem. That finally did happen. She went on a 5 day drinking binge. I was worried sick, being so far away and knowing what was going on (it was the anniversary of my dads death) I new one of our mutual friends had a key to her house, so I called her at 11pm to check on her. My mom didnt even remember her coming over. I think it finally embarrased her enough to get help and check herself in to rehab.
I dont think any of this is your problem. This is her problem! She just needs somebody to blame other than herself--and you are an easy target. I would NOT leave your son with her EVER! Just because she is your mom doesnt mean you have to like her or what she is doing. I say distance yourself. It is hard. I agree with another post that said look in to Al Anon classes. They are great for helping you handle situations and realizing how angry you most likely are over something you have no control over, and how to handle that.
I hope you can find the strength to move on and get the support you need from the positive people around you. It sounds like your MIL is a great person too.

With addicts, you have to just cut them off. Especially when the behavior is completely beligerant. Change phone numbers, emails and avoid all contact and if pursuits happen file a restraining order. You done what you could but you cannot enable anymore. Cut the strings

Updated

With addicts, you have to just cut them off. Especially when the behavior is completely beligerant. Change phone numbers, emails and avoid all contact and if pursuits happen file a restraining order. You done what you could but you cannot enable anymore. Cut the strings

You need to stop talking to her. Sounds harsh, but it appears that she is not reasonable and right now anything to say to try to mediate the situation just makes her behavior worse.
Screen your calls, let her go to voicemail and then do NOT listen to her messages. Screen you email, you can put her on your SPAM list.
No matter what she says, it is NOT in your child's best interest to have contact with her, if she cannot behave like an adult.
You are right, she needs to be treated for her addiction and maybe then, you can talk again.
Good luck!

Your 100% right. Take care of your children and husband. Cut her completely off until she gets help. If I were you I would not read her emails, change your phone number. Let her know your serious. Good luck and I hope she gets help.

As a person who also has parents who are addicts, I say to you: You are a grown up now...you only get 1 life..worry about yourself and take the necessary steps to make yourself happy and your childrens' lives safe and secure!

Keep ypur chold far away from her until she gets help and completes the treatment. I know you love your mom but she is hurting you right now. You never know if she will decide to drive drunk with your child in the car. You should change your number. You can always call her with your caller ID blocked. She will not get help until she looses everything. good luck.

Why did you even ask her to possibly babysit your children?

Get a pay as you go cell-phone. Tell her you've changed #'s and then give only her the new #. That way when it rings you know its her.

Your mom is used to being able to manipulate your emotions to get what she wants. Because you have apparently been compliant enough (co-dependent enough) in the past for her to satisfy her wants more easily, she's hating the decisions you've been making lately, and has no mature way of working through any of this.

Emotional bullying is the one tool in her bag. She's crazy-frustrated that it's not working, so she's using it more forcefully to see if it might. This is not unusual behavior in substance abusers. I've known a bunch of them.

If you have not yet read any good books on co-dependency, now's the time. Co-Dependent No More is a good one. And join a local Al-Anon group for sane and sensible support in understanding and changing your relationship with your mother. Everyone I know who has started Al-Anon has found it to be transformative.

You sound like your head is on pretty straight, B., but truthfully, you can no be raised by addicts and NOT be deeply affected by the experience. You may think you're not co-dependent, but when you look into it, you'll find patterns in your own response to your parents that will surprise you.

My best to you. I've seen this horrible scene play out in too many families, including my own.

Of course not!! I think you should have nothing to do with her. Avoid her and her messages like the plague.

I know this sounds really harsh, but here is what I would do. Change my phone number and email address, stop by the local police department and advise them as to the situation, send her a written letter certified mail that she is to have no contact with you or your family or the police will be called, and if she does show up at your home, you need to follow through. Call your in-laws and warn them that she might bother them for a bit, but if they do the same thing as you, it will be easier than you think.

Addicts need to get help for themselves and only themselves. HOWEVER, they often won't until every single person in their life stops enabling them and creates serious consequences for their actions (or allow natural consequences for their actions). Even though you put your foot down to a degree, any contact you have with her at this point is enabling her addiction. I know this sounds really tough, and the first week it will eat you alive, but you will feel a HUGE weight lifted off of you after that.

I am very sorry that you have to go through this - no kid (or grandkid) should have it so tough . . . Best wishes.

Unfortunately you've got to cut your losses. It's a sad situation all around but for the sake of you, your kids, and your marriage, you've just got to do it!!! I am sending you all the well wishes I can and hope that this vicious cylce ends one way or another... by that I mean that your parents will seek the help they need or that you will just sever the ties!!!

no you were not worng and you alreagy gave yourself an answer, you have to love her from a distance. that's is your mother but she has issue and why should your marriage be ruined because she has issues that really have nothing to do with you! good luck and your family is in my prayers

Hi, I haven't read your other responses so I apaologize if I repeat anything. You are not crazy or wrong or mean or anything negative for cutting off contact in this type of situation. Any guilt you feel is the result of your being raised with this sickness. Any reasonable person without this background can see the harm she has caused and continues to cause. The reasonable course of action is to cease contact and spare your two children. Being her daughter, your emotions are involved, not to mention your feelings of misplaced "guilt" for protecting your children from her. The best thing to do would be to seek counseling or a group type of therapy for children of addicts for yourself and focus on keeping yourself, your husband, and your children happy and healthy. I think once you make peace with the idea that cutting her off is the right thing to do, you will find that a great weight will be lifted from your shoulders. You can't change your own childhood. But you have control over your two children's. So take charge and protect them. Good luck!

You were totally right. Your children and yourself shouldn't be in that toxic enviroment. Yes, shes your mother and it is going to be hard to seperate but if she is blaming you and still being irresponsible that is your only option. By letting her behavior continue around your family will just enable her and not put an end to the big picture (that she has a drinking problem). Kuddos to you for standing your ground.