Am I the Only One That Goes Through This?

Hey there L.! -

Yep - this happened to me with my now husband of ten years. It is embarassing to say the least HOWEVER - you must stick with the main issue here - This is NOT about you or your sex life, it is about your son 1)He is scared of change; 2)He acted inappropriately by opening a closed door without knocking.

Here's the deal really and I know that you will know exactly what I am saying here. Your son's last bit of "hanging onto the past" (which was his only security) - was YOU - Mom! And, he is angry because you, just like his father, are now moving on and changing the whole deal - which affects your son greatly.
It is horrible for a boy to experience his father not only leaving but then "replacing" (in your son's eyes) his mother - it throws boys into so much confusion, anger and upset! And, you can guess the rest - due to the circumstances your son was probably feeling loyal and protective of you, emotionally. And, he maybe now feels some betrayal from you and your new guy. And, more confusion as to why his parents are acting this way - to him you are just all supposed to stay married, stay "friends" - you get my meaning.

Kids secretly hope that their parents will get back together and you just threw that out the window for him. It's okay L. - because your son will have to face reality - this is what's important here - BUT ONLY AFTER he gets it that your sex life and personal life is none of his business AND not the real issue here - you must be firm on that because if you get lost on this, he will be too. He must take notice of what is going on inside of "him" about what has happened in his life recently, and he must be clear that he is NEVER to go into anyone's room without knocking.

Right now, you can discuss feelings with him ONLY if he wants to. He just needs time, which will help him most; along with you and your beau keeping everything the same and him(beau) still spending time with the kids - even more so for the next couple weeks. This shows your son that no one is going anywhere - no one is leaving him, etc... and whether your son would even understand this, it will give him the security he so desperately needs right now. To him, everyone keeps changing the rules - poor kid! Yet, it will settle down and he can get through this.

Say things to your son like, "I know that things are changing and that is so hard sometimes." And, "I am sorry that your father and I did not stay married - I know it is hard to accept this, but you must accept it and accept that things are going to change, hopefully for the better!" Or, "Wow, life sure does move in directions we aren't always sure about. That's when it's important to trust that things will get better, and that you are so loved." This will give him the idea that you now are ready to make new memories with someone else and it doesn't take away from the past, just moves you all into a happy future - which is better than how things had gotten when you ex started up that relationship so quickly.

And, repeating this - it is really important that your fantastic guy be around a lot for awhile to help you on this. His actions will show your son; and actions at this point are most important while your son is still angry, (scared)etc to show him stability AND that your son does not have the power to push your and your beau's life around like that - you guys are in control, which your son actually needs to see.

My beau (now my hubby) never left when it happened with us and then when he did leave the next morning, he was back again that afternoon and we just kept things normal. Normal will equate to security for your son - he will try and buck it at first but you guys stay strong and keep up that care and security for your son - he will come around - sooner than you think. He will know how much fun you all have and also that you are happier - all of you.

Hang in there and keep on focus with him - not always easy but very worth it - don't let your son suck you into debates about how often, when, etc... on your sex life. That isn't the issue. I wouldn't even go there with him - it's not up for discussion.

Good luck - I wrote a lot in hopes that it all hits home and helps you.

Alli

at age 11 all boys want their mommy all to themselves! I remember my son fighting for my attention whenever I was in a relationship after his dad and i split up. You have done the right thing! you have moved on with your life and you waited a very reasonable and respectful amount of time to become intimate with the new guy! You just need to explain that to your son. You are a woman not a girl and you are respectable and it really is not his buisness if you are having adult coscentual sex. Your son may not like it but he will get over it. also let him know that you have not abandoned him but instead brought a loving caring man in to all of ya'lls lives! Remind him that his dad is in a relationship and doing his thing as well. these may seem like harsh words but he is old enough to hear them. good luck, and be sure to spend plenty of one on one time on him in the next few weeks. Also, let him know that he absolutely has to knock on a closed door! bedroom or bathroom! it's just common curtesy.
ok this is the second time I am editing my response... I read all of the responses and I have to say people were very harsh on you, I am ashamed to call myself a christian after reading some of these judgemental answers. I actually wrote a personal message to one of them telling them how harsh and judgemental I thought they were and then I read the others and just was shocked at how so called christians throw judgement around. Wow I am going to appoogize for others harshness to you and tell you that not all christians are judgemental. You got a few good responses and I sent some of them flowers, I hope that you won't let some of these answers get to you. God bless you and know that He understands and forgives all of us for our wrong doing if only we ask.

Wow, there are some very perfect people out there. For all of the ladies casting stones..... remember, don't throw stones when you live in a glass house. You may not have the same situation as this woman, but you all have your imperfections, and can be judged on them as well.

L., remain strong and show your son you love him unconditionaly. Let him know you're the same Mom you've always been, and nothing will change that.

well, I am not gonna condem u... we all make mistakes... my question is a 11 yr old girl or boy should know when a door is closed u KNOCK...that I see was disrespectful to u... he should have NEVER opened that door...I wish u luck and don't beat yourself up over this... stuff happens...

You need to call Dr. Laura -- but it has only been 6 months -- and your children don't need men coming into their lives - so soon, they have enough issues to deal with right now. Never let that happen again -- you need to protect your children - their stability and needs come first. Their father is probably confusing them enough - can you imagine how they feel - he left and is already with someone else - they are probably feeling abandoned and unloved and here you are in their eyes going down the same path. Until the man in your life - is destined to be your Husband, and the date is set - do your dating when your children are at their father's or are otherwise have other plans -- keep home their safe haven - When we have children - we are all they have and their needs come first - they need you 24/7. You all need some more time - take it very slow - they are not mature enough to handle all this "adult" drama going on in their lives -- you do deserve to be loved - but you must first love yourself and be "ok" standing on your own two feet first - don't be so anxious to rush into relationships and "sex" is not love - love is about respect, honor, sacrifice, putting the children first, waiting... You must be very careful as a parent - for you set the level of expectation in the home - and what you do at 30 ish may seem perfectly ok for them to do at 13 - be a parent first, protect your children -

Wow, you have been through a really rough year! You know what your son saw was tough but you have to forgive yourself and ask God to forgive you. You are not perfect but you are that little man's momma and he loves you dearly. Don't let him hold this over your head and continue to affirm your love for him because his world has been turned a little crazy and he needs you. Of course I know you know these things but I just want to encourage you that all is not lost here. You are a great mom and your son will forgive you, just ask him. Even though you may not feel you did anything wrong he was hurt when he saw that so asking for his forgiveness will help him heal just by acknowledging that his feelings are valid. After that I say it should no longer be up for discussion. Once we forgive each other it's over. He loves you, he will always love you, and you will all be OK. I also want to recommend the most awesome book that I am reading right now. It is called Captivating, uncovering the mystery of a woman's soul by John and Stasi Eldredge. Girl it is soooo good. Especially because you have gone through a big hurt with your marriage ending. I know you have found a new love, but you have some wounds in there that need some healing and loving care. I think that spending a little time just working on you and remembering that you are an awesome, beautiful and captivating woman might just what the dr. ordered. Take care and best wishes and remebmer you ARE a great mom :)

I have not gone through it personally, but i think as a mother you should realize that your children should be your number 1 priority. The sex might be what makes you feel better at the time but you barely know this man and you are having sex without thinking of the consequences. Some men think and feel that the closer they get to the mother and her children is a sign that he can get what he wants from you and he has. You will always have resentment from your son, and he will never forget what he saw. The only thing you can do at this time is apologize to him and let him know that adults do make mistakes in life. Boys hold their moms up high and believe they can do no wrong. You may need love but your kids need you more.

wow. i think i agree with the person who said to call dr. laura.
1. pray for wisdom in how to handle this. this is hard. your poor babies.
2. your kids should be tops right now. above how you feel and your desires, they should be your first priority.
3. you've only been seeing him 2 months and you're already "doing the deed"?? another wow.
4. i'm flabbergasted at the number of responses where women "LOLed" and said it will pass and that it has just happened to them. our morals are goin' down the pooper!
No you don't need judgment b/c only God can do that. yes, we are all sinners and we all fall short of the glory of God, thank God for his Grace and His precious Son. think about how you want your son to turn out and the type of woman you want him to marry...be that example.
good luck and i'll be praying for your situation.

L., sorry you are going through this. I don't want to seem judgmental but your priority right now should be getting your kids through the divorce and your healing. once you meet a special guy, anything intimate should be when your kids are NOT around. In fact you may end up with it in the terms of your divorce. many agreements have a stipulation that the opposite sex cannot stay over when the children are in your possession. I think you might need a family counselor to help you through this. Best of luck.

Get married before you start behaving in that manner so that your child can see things done in an orderly manner within a family. You then have a basis to explain God's creation and the bedroom activities when you are in alignment with His will - other than that, you are living in sin, living a lie and terribly damaging your children, warping them for the rest of their lives as to what to expect from their own behavior and their spouses behavior and their children's behavior. Do you want your son sleeping with every girl that will spread her legs or your daughter learning to look for what she thinks is love in the bedroom with different men. If the body is only for it's own pleasure and the onlookinger learning are of no consequence then what do you expect them to learn from watching you prostitute yourself. You are selling your body for the feeling of being loved b/c your husband does not love you and you feel unlovable and left behind like old luggage. I know that my 41 yr old brother saw this same thing with our mother and to this day disrespects her for her behavior. I can also remember the boyfriends and as an adult look back and see how it damaged my idea of family and how I as a female was to behave towards men. You are being selfish to an extreme, need love, then don't give away the milk without them buying the cow. If a man cannot wait until he says "I do" then he may not stick around when others are offering it for free after he says "I do". If you want your son to respect women and wait until he is married and commits himself for life to a woman, you must model this for him, obviously your husband has not taken his job seriously setting an example for your son, you are all he has to depend upon. You need to put your own needs aside, apologize and admit your wrong doing and then work the rest of your life to regain your son's respect and model for him a Godly life that he can use in modeling his own household as a result. If you have only had one man, then he is the BEST, there is never a comparison. If you shop, then no man will ever erase those memories in your head of others. Speaking to the wall here, something I wish someone had been brave enough to say to me, so if your hair is up, then lay it down and look hard at the truth here, go look in the mirror, then get down on your knees and ask the Lord where He would have you go from here and for Him to fill the missing need in you. Just because your husband left you for someone else does not mean that your need will be filled in bed with another. Only He can restore the damage that has been done to your heart, no another man. Pray for your x-husband and feel sorry for him that he missed the opportunity to model for his family a good model. Tell your children to pray for him and for you and them as you will all struggle to find a new place in this life that is again full of joy, security and peace. Do not be downhearted, give your cares at the foot of the thrown where the bible says the angels lift up our prayers as a sweet incense to the creator of the universe, God and His son Jesus Christ. You are not alone, you just think that you are.

lol... my daughter caught me and anyother person doing the deed before....lol. I had to explain to her everything. She had about the same reaction. After a while it just went away. Dont make such a big deal about in and in about 6months he will just brush it off. Thats what my daughter did. Just let him know that no matter what you will always love your son and no matter what you will always be there for him.

I read your story and I need advice from you. My ex met someone very soon after we separated in 2006. I was devastated. We just communicate about the kids. I still have not moved on. I figure I was not going to make someting happen on my own but wait on God to send me the right man. I don't trust my decisions or anyone else for that matter. I want to heal on my own I don't see a man in my future right now. I just keep looking back at my ex. Did it actually take another man to get over the pain of losing your ex to someone else?

Your not the only one im sure that this has happended to.No it hasn't happened to me.I know you need loving too,but children don't understand that.I like to listen to Dr.Laura at 11:00 a.m. on 1370 am she gives advise to help people in situations.Alot of people call about your situation and her advice is not to date or remarry till your children are 18.As HARD as that may seem it only makes sense because that allows you to dedicate ALL you extra time to your children so that your chilren can function right mentally their allready having to deal w/the separation and thats NOT something children get over in a few months or years.That i do know from experience.Someone has to give them the home stability they need and if it's not their father it has to be you.It's a small sacrifice for a healthy stable child.

Hi,
No you are not the only one that is going through this. My niece is divorced and remarried and her son is 11. He doesn't want her husband to be in the house. He wants to sleep with her and wants her husband to sleep on the couch. It is natural for boys at that age to become possesive of their moms. Mine is 22 years old and is still a bit jealous.
You just have to reassure him constantly that you love him but don't let him manipulate you. You are a grown up and entitled to have a life of your own, but your children need to know that they are loved. It is all about balance. Your son will soon get very involved with his own friends and won't care anymore. Be patient. Good luck

I was divorced for 5 years before I met my husband. My son was 4 at the time of our divorce. I never had anyone over our apartment and especially overnight. You are the major stability in your childs life and by having a man in your home on that level is disruptuive to a child. To try to explain to a child that you "need love to" probably leaves him confused that you need more in your life then him. I am assuming you have every other weekend on your own and that should be your time. If this guy really loves you he'll understand your role as a mother comes first. My husband never slept over with my son home until he proposed, and even then all doors remained open! I am glad I made this choice for our family.

Society already has too much of a say in our kids life, their home should be where they learn values and their home should be where they feel safe. You've only been apart from their father for 6 months and in this relationship. Boys are very protective of their mom, and also one day he'll be looking for woman for his life and more than likely set by your example. I've been divorced from my kids dad for 8 years and trust me at age 11 they don't forget. What kids do appreciate though is truth, they need to know that your not perfect and that you have concerns, needs, hurts, your son will appreciate your honesty and that you trust him enough to be honest with him. Whats done is done, I'm not trying to make you feel bad we've all make mistakes and noone should judge so get up dust yourself off and today is a new day.
Concentrate on your kids first and if this guy is worth it he'll wait for you, and he'll appreciate your concern for your kids. Warning to at 11 and 12 they turn into night owls they no longer fall out till morning. No your not the only one who goes through this but the difference will be is what you do with this now. I read a paper no daughter wrote for school, she mentioned how scared she was when we first split up. Our kids have so much worries and concerns, they don't need for us to add to it.

Something else to consider on top of the confusion of emotions of Dad being gone, having a new partner himself and now mom too.... Is his age. How much does your son know about Sex? He's not all that far from coming in to his own changes, curiousity, etc... Wouldn't be surprised to find out that some of his friends or definitely acquaintances haven't already been experimenting - or at least saying they have. Don't forget its hard to be a kid, period. Whether you have two loving, happily married parents, or not a single adult that seems like they care.

I fall on the side of "kids come first." Whether you've been separated 6 months or divorced 5 years, the kids still come first. Everyone deserves some "me" time, you'd be better off to fulfill your intimate me time when the kids aren't around at all. Total privacy for you, and no emotional scars for them.

Kids get attached a whole lot faster than we do, though they are resilient in a lot of ways, please keep in mind that you are teaching them what love is all about. And if relationships are going to come & go with "love" being tossed about (from both mom & dad's boy/girl friends) then kids are going to think/learn love never lasts.

Don't forget that kids that have walked in on their parents are scarred for life (said partly joking), regardless of how natural it is, if you've seen your mom and dad getting busy that picture is burned in to your skull. Its just awkward and gross for a kid, then you add in the emotional baggage of parents separated/divorced, plus puberty knocking down the door....

Don't let your son hold it over your head, but definitely talk to him, have patience and definitely reassure him every chance you get that mom isn't going anywhere, and you're devoted to him just like always.

didn't intend to sound preachy in the least. Hope that I just gave a little different perspective on things. GOOD LUCK!!

L., the key words to your question are I am going through a divorce. You are not divorced and there should not have been a man in your house. Why would you not lock your bedroom door ? You should think about this and consider what could happen if someone wanted to use this information against you in your divorce.

Take it from someone who knows, your 11 yr. old may say something about this and it could be VERY embarrassing not to mention legally a mess.

Good luck and best wishes.

After reading the responses, all I can say is that you need encouragement and not judgement. Sure you made a mistake, but who doesn't? I'm not gonna downplay the feelings your son has, but it's not the end of the world either. All of you are going through pain. Like one of the other moms, I went through the same thing (without being caught), and my first marriage was abusive. The man I am married to now is an old friend who got me out. We were friends first, and I knew him before I did my first husband.

I agree that you need to apologize to your son first. Then if you and your man become intimate later on again, be sure there's a lock on the door. I can't judge because I've messed up myself a lot. The Bible says "For ALL have sinned and come short of the Glory of God." Forgive yourself, then ask God to forgive you. Once you have that peace that only comes from that, you can better deal with things. Your son needs to understand that you are human too. That may not excuse a lot of things, and you definitely need to be more careful. Ask for God's Strength to get you through this.

If this is the man you intend to marry, great. But if not, I agree with another mom that you should date only when your ex has the kids. That way, they won't become attached only to be hurt again. It may not seem that way now, but things WILL get better.

Take care, good luck, and know that you are loved...:-)

R. C.

Dump your boyfriend and concentrate on your children till they are graduated from high school. Sex is one thing but your parenting/mothering is the most important thing you will ever do in your life. ALso, remember if you tell your children not to do this/that, then you do whatever, what kind of example are you setting for your children? Now my question is, did this guy return after the first sexual encounter? If the guy is a decent person, he would fully understand that your children are important. He'll return later in your life or intermently to check on your life. If not, he was after one thing and that is what you have already given him. Good luck.

L.,

This is no laughing matter.

Having been through a divorce myself I know the heartache. You need some time to grieve and figure things out. Jumping into a relationship is not the way. Give yourself some time to focus on becoming the kind of person you've always wanted to be, go back to school, make a list of the qualities you want your next husband to have, go to church, spend quality time with your children in making their lives better.

I want you to understand the true purpose of sex. It is designed by God to be used within the bounds of his law (marriage) to procreate and to allow for the physical expression of the deep and intimate love that a man and a woman feel for one another on a spiritual, emotional and mental level. Sex without true and abiding love along with a lifetime commitment will lead you to experience confusion and emptiness. I know this to be true. Please, don't do the same things you did with your first husband and expect to have a different result. Talk to your son. Let him know you made a mistake. Explain to him the purpose of sex as I have shared with you. Tell and show him that you love him and will always be there for him. You are his EXAMPLE. This is an important job that requires sacrifice. You need to be the one to make the tough, but good choices.

With God all things are possible! Blessings!

dont forget that your children are going through the divorce also and with 1 parent out of the home, he had all your attention. he might be feeling he is loosing you too or in competition with this man for your attention.

One more thing. I may just be misreading your statement but please do not confuse sex with being loved. you have only known this man 2 months? It is very unlikely that you can develope love in a short period of time after a tramatizing divorce. Beware feelings are deceptive.

Hi L., It's always good to be in love and be loved. My friend you made a mistake. I think you should have waited on the intimacy part. I can only imagine being hard but you are not alone. You have children and should have respected the fact that they were home. If that man loves you like you mentioned then let him take care of business. He should respect your house especially knowing that your children were home. You have every right to fall in love just need to learn where and when without hurting anyone. Good luck with your children.

Elisa

This is why you all should just wait until you are married again. When you are married, your kids have had time, hopefully, to understand and get to know what is happening and you would be setting a good example for them to follow should they be in the same situation. You cannot tell you kids to "not have sex" at a certain age, before you are married, etc. if you are doing it yourself.

I got out of an abusive 13 yr marriage. I decided that my children were way more important to me than finding another guy to have a relationship with. So, for me, right now, I will concentrate on raising my kids and setting a good example for them. I am much happier alone than with my ex-husband. I am also a Christian and am bringing up my kids to be Christians, so of course, they are getting the "no sex until you are married" speech - all the time. There is just too much going on out there for them to be reckless with their health and emotions and spiritual wellbeing.

I wish everyone thought about these things and decided to set good examples for their kids. There was nothing I could do about their father's behavior, but there is something I can do about mine!

Good luck. I don't blame your kids for being upset.

Honesty is absolutely the best policy. Your son is old enough to understand what is going on. You guys need to sit down and talk about your feelings for this new man. I think your son was just shocked and probably never thought of this man in THAT way, especially if he has been involved with your children...to them he is just a dude to hang out with. He has had time to absorb it all and now is a good time to discuss your plans with this man with your son. Tell him what you told us, that you love him and never will stop loving him. That you will never go away and leave him (maybe that's what he thinks his father did to him?) Tell your son that as you get to spend more time with this man, you may do things that men and women do to be intimate....that is a good term to use by the way. That said, and I may be reading way too much into this, you mentioned that you needed to be loved too...just make sure that you don't confuse the attention and physical relationship for real love. Two months isn't a long time at all to get to know someone...you may want to slow down and make sure this is for real...for your kids sake as much as for yours. If it doesn't work out, your kids will be affected too, after all it is their relationship too now. Good luck and God Bless you and your family!