Am I Spreading Information or Just Gossip?

Personally, I wouldn't split hairs over whether this is information or gossip.
I would want to know.
I would work something like "Hopefully, Nick is now past his 'playing doctor' phase" into the convo. You don't have to give specifics, but it will put it on her mom-radar.

I would say its gossip if you all have yet to confront Nicks mom. I mean if Nicks mom doesnt know then how is Nick ever going to stop this behavior at such a young age.
So while its informative, its not helping Nick. And telling other moms, is gossiping behind her back about a problem noone wants to help fix.

Whenever there is a question regarding a child's safety and well being, ALWAYS err in favor of the child. Wouldn't you rather have told and possibly prevented another incident than to not tell and then have something else happen, next time possibly even more serious? Err in favor of the child.

Would you want to know if you were Carol? I absolutely would. And I can tell by your well worded post and concern for doing the right thing that you will find a tactful and considerate way of telling her the information without being catty and gossipy.

how lovely you are to worry about this!
when in doubt, ask what you'd want.
yes, you should tell her. you can do it nicely and without judgement.
there was a boy in our homeschool group who was like this, only not so delightful and funny. i don't think he was exposed to anything or molested, just a very highly charged and not particularly pleasant young person. he never made advances toward my boys, just encouraged and bullied all the kids in their circle to do overly sexual things like touch themselves and talk dirty while they watched cartoons or vanilla movies or ANYTHING. it was just on his mind all the time. and yeah, we moms warned each other about it so we could do preventative damage control if he was going to be around. most of us chose not to allow one-on-one playdates with him, but he remained part of the community and so did his mom, whom i adore. he took a long while to get focused as a young man, but finally seems to have settled on a college and course of study he likes. at least he hasn't yet been arrested for perverted behavior. nick will probably be fine too.
but you and your friends need to be firm in your limits in the meantime.
khairete
S.

You can tell her what happened to YOUR child. If you tell her what another mom said - it's hearsay. You did NOT witness it. You can tell her that Susan took Nick to a therapist and have not had them over since Kindergarten.

In the future - if you are going to have a playdate and Nick is included? They cannot be in bedrooms - they must be outside in the yard or in the family room.

As long as you stick to the facts of what YOU witnessed and what you know - playing doctor and therapist - you are FINE. DO NOT interject what another mom said.

I woul tell Carol. You can simply talk about what your personal experience with playdates was and let her know about the others as what you heard. I would want to know so that I could be extra aware when my child was around this one.... If that is gossip, then so be it.

You have no proof other than hearsay from others and what your husband said he saw.

You don't know what you dont know. To inform people of something you have heard about is gossip. It's sad that this little boy has already been judged and juried secretly by a group of moms.

Now, if indeed he has an issue, his parents should be made aware so they can monitor him and see if he truly has an issue or if he is possibly acting out because he may have been violated.

Yes, what he supposedly did is what kids sometimes do, thats normal. Shaming children and making them believe that childhood normalcy is forbidden and wrong, then you run the risk of setting them up for life to believe they did something bad wrong and could have slanted views of sex, nudity etc as they age.

You take an episode like you describe and instead of blowing it out of proportion, use it as a learning experience to explain that you don't do that and why.

I'm sad to hear that so many have already prejudged this little boy. Maybe he needs help? Maybe someone just doesn't like him and/or his family do they are out to destroy them and use people like you to spread the gossip.

Of course you should watch out first and foremost for your family.

I would slip it into conversation light heartedly and she can take from what she wants. However, don't imply anything. Because that's just not the case. Based on your profile - I'm assuming this even happened when they were 4? I'm the mother of a "Nick". We've caught my son in similar situations with a girl friend during playdates. He has never been exposed to anything sexual. I've stayed at home with him, so I'm positive of this. However, if he has a playdate with a girl now, I will mention it. My "nick" could never keep his hands of his privates. Even as a baby at 4 months. Diaper off and hands instantly attracted to it. My 2 other boys didn't do this - so I know it's not just a "boy" thing.

It has been a year and in that year you have no proof that he has done it again so I would leave it alone.

This is normal curiosity and with any luck his parents got some books to explain the knowledge he was looking for so he is over it.

So at this point it is pure gossip.

If it were me, I'd have a conversation with his parents. Are they aware of his behavior, that it wasn't just the one time, and that this can be a symptom of having been sexually assaulted. What are they doing to support him, what do they ask from the community, where is he at now, do they feel concerned, how do they encourage consent and respecting boundaries.

And then, by all means, I'd have him over and I'd keep my eye peeled like a mama eagle.

Me personally? I think I'd talk with Nick's parents first, and depending on how the conversation went, I'd make a decision to speak with other parents or not. Frankly, I'm shocked that CPS wasn't brought into this one (as it happened at school).

It's an uncomfortable topic to bring up, but it's really important (and important to be incredibly kind, supportive, and a good listener while talking with parents (stigma swirls around these situations and the stigma itself is so counter productive)).

When I was in a similar situation, it was with a bestfriend's sister and her son, so it was easy for me to talk with her - she actually brought it up to me and was looking for support. It would be a lot harder for me if I wasn't close with the parents involved, and if my children had been involved (they weren't).

I absolutely adore her son, and the interaction he had engaged in wasn't because he's a bad kid. My kids get on with him well, and he's a great playmate. I just keep an extra eye on them while they are playing, and reaffirm body boundaries, the need to stop when someone asks (stop tickling, stop chasing, stop X, Y, Z - consent gets to be practiced in play), and a lot of positive reinforcement for friendship well done.

One definition of gossip is defined as: Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.

I don't think that this falls under a the definition of gossip. Even if it did, put yourself in your friends shoes. I would want to know if it were my 5 year old daughter who might be exposed to this behavior. Please take a moment to tell her out of love for her own daughter. Things like this are not forgotten in a childs memory. I've not forgotten the things that happened to me with children of the opposite sex when I was a child. They are not memories that I am proud of.

I don't think it would be out of bounds to let Carol know that she might need to keep a closer watch on the kids when Nick is visiting because of that event, as long as you don't make it all messy and suggest that Nick has been exposed to something sexual because that may not be the case. If you find the conversation going in that direction, that's when it would be considered gossiping because you would be trying to presume why Nick did what he did, when it's most likely due to plain ol' kid curiosity and nothing more.

Yes yes yes tell her. Stick to the facts. Tell her you are only telling her as one concerned parent to another. Wouldn't you feel horrible if something happened to that little girl and you hadn't warned her mom? I think you would. So yes, tell her and tell her what the other mom told u as well.

I think you should stick to only what you are positive about, not what may have happened with others, that would be gossip. I don't agree with mentioning Nick saw the school therapists, that too is gossip and no one's business.

Just keep it very simple such as "I prefer not to get into details, but my husband caught Nick being overly curious with my daughter while they were in her room by themselves. I hope it was just 5 yr old curiosity. We are not classifying him as a pedophile but we don't take any more chances with play dates. I will leave it at that, and you can do what you want with this information."

Oh my goodness, I don't see how this cannot be alarming! Like other ladies have mentioned in the blog I would be considered with whats going on with Nick at home, or other places outside the home. Does not sound like normal behavior. If I was in your place I would let her know what happened. Your not spreading gossip your just saying the truth. Plus, if it's a pattern it's best to know. I would want to know

Has anyone ever asked Nick why he did what he did? I agree that age they are curious, and it should not be blown out of proportion, however, you should caution your friend that there have been incidents where Nick wants to explore with other girls and to be careful. Say it in a way that it does not point finger at the poor kid for being a product of his environment. If he is being abused, he is playing it out. If he is just curious, someone should tell him that it is not appropriate and if it continues, they should find some help for the boy.

I don't think telling her about the incidents would be gossip but more just letting her know so that is doesn't happen to her daughter too.

Tell her! I would want to know. In fact, I would be angry if I wasn't told and something happened to my child. I really think this is about your responsibility to protect a child, not gossiping!! You are giving important information. You could lead with, "I believe the parents (insert names) have thoroughly looked into this, but..."

You sound very considerate. I would indeed inform this mom but in the same tasteful manner that you wrote your post. I would only tell her about the incident at your playdate; the other incidents would be secondhand info. Like you said, you don't have it out for this kid but the behavior is definitely unacceptable at least, and could be dangerous. You don't know what kind of things this kid has going on in his life and where he picked up this behavioral pattern.
Good luck!

I would only share what you directly know and did not hear from others. About your incident and any follow up that the parents may hve made. Not what other parents have said or experienced.

Ummm ... I would be concerned that something is going on in little Nick's home beyond "innocence" personally. People can hide this type of stuff very well, VERY WELL. I would have kept Nick in my circle and kept a close eye on him to find out if there was something going on in that home.

Well, I don't consider it gossip if it's true, and it's about such a serious subject. The parents know what their son is doing, so it's not like they aren't aware of it.

As a mom of a girl the same age, I would appreciate the heads up. I would probably be pissed off if I found out later that you had some info that could've been helpful & the little boy had tried something shady.

The little boy may be sweet, but the parents need to get him help. DD has been around many little boys & nothing like this has ever happened. It's not normal. I think 5 is old enough to know & be taught that what he's doing is unacceptable. If he keeps it up, he'll really get into trouble. Sadly enough, I wouldn't be doing playdates with this kid.

I would want to know as a mom from a friend. You witnessed this action personally and than had it confirmed by another person that this was not a 1 time incident. Tell the mom!

Added: after reading the othere responses I agree with Ephie to talk to Nick parents first and see how seriously they are taking his actions.