Am I Overreacting

Updated on October 07, 2008
E.D. asks from Bozeman, MT
48 answers

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years now and have 2 beautiful children, a 3-year old and a 3-month old. My husband is a very easy-going, relaxed kind of guy and I am, well, I would be considered the "neurotic" in the family.
I know my husband loves his kids but due to a recent event, I have reached my point and I am thinking about leaving him. I feel like I can no longer trust him in the care of my kids. Again I have no doubt that he loves them but sometimes I wonder of he sees the potential dangers of certain actions. I am so confused. Do I put my children through a divorce and lose everything I have worked so hard to accomplish or do I forget and move on, knowing that he could make another big mistake.
I would appreciate your comments. I am devastated and my heart aches when I hear my three year old ask when is dad coming back.
Thank you all in advance.

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So What Happened?

Thank you all for your advice. I will talk with my husband about the issues that have led us to this point and we'll see what happens. One thing that I am grateful for is having my best friend there for me. Even though we are thousands of miles apart, she always gives me the advice I need to hear. Her advice, talk it over and acknowledge that we all make mistakes and as long as he is aware of his mistake, there is no reason to ruin a perfectly happy (most of the time!!) family. I know that my husband loves our kids with all his heart, that I know for certain and I do know he is a great dad, who makes mistakes at times. I guess we all do after all!
Again, thank you to those of you who answered, if for nothing else, for letting me vent and be heard!!!!

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C.W.

answers from Provo on

I think we need to know what it is he did before we can tell if you are over reacting or not. If it was too much physical discipline or if it was not watching them close enough, it all depends.I would really like to help. You can email me personally if that would help you any ([email protected]____.com)

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T.B.

answers from Colorado Springs on

You did not say what the recent event was...? If it were a true matter of safety, or inapporpiate behavoir.. then it would be smart to consider. If it where just lazy oversite or over done discipline then it is probably something that could be worked on.

Good Luck

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S.T.

answers from Salt Lake City on

E.,
Before my husband and I were married there was an incident. Although you didn't elaborate I want to tell you what happened with me...
I already had two children when we met, my son was 3. and my daughter 18 months. I needed to run into Wal-mart just for something quick and the kids fell asleep in the car the I asked my husband, who at the time, we were just "friends" to stay with them in the car. I cam out of the store and a perfect stranger was standing next to my car with my son next to her. My heart fell to the ground and I ran to the car wondering whta the hell was happening. I looked inside, and my "friend" was sleeping. Passed out. He had no clue that my son had even gotten out of the car at all.
I went over and over it in my head not knowing what to do. Do a continue a relationship with this guy who put my baby at risk. I mean he had no idea.
E.... It never happened again. We all make mistakes. We just need to room to learn from them. None of us are perfect. I'm sure your husband will do whatever it takes to make this up to you and your children; whatever it may be.
I hope this helped and my prayers are with you.
S.
If you would like to talk more please email me.

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L.T.

answers from Denver on

E.,
You have recieved many responses and I hope you read mine. I have absolutely no idea what he has done but everyone makes mistakes. When we brought my son home from the hospital I would constantly be telling my husband what to do and be the first to point out everything he was doing wrong. However, as far as I know, I am the only one who made mistakes that actually put my son in harm. Not my husband. Both were very stupid mistakes that I knew better but thought couldn't happen to me. Perhaps that is what your husband did also. When my son was 1 month old I was putting him in his car seat but being that my husband had put him in it when we came home from the hospital and we hadn't gone anywhere since I didn't know how to adjust it. Left my son and the seat on the cupboard, I was standing by it but not fast enough to catch it when he (the baby) jerked. The seat fell and the baby (my son)hit his head on the seat. Luckily for me he was okay. Dumb. If he would've been more seriously hurt I never would have forgiven myself. NEVER. My husband was IRATE. AS I would have been had he done it. He forgave me, I never would have forgiven him. I know for a fact I wouldn't. Then when he was 18 months old we were walking to the park, previously my son had never tried to get out of the stroller. But that day with the daycare he had tried. She forgot to tell me and I didn't buckle him. He stood up I slowed down and asked him to sit down he did but turned around and again shot up so fast that it scared me and I stopped abruptly and due to the abrupt stop he lost his balance and he fell out backwards onto the sidewalk and this time had a basal skull fracture. Just as scarry if not more so as I witnessed him lose consiousness and such a rediculously unnecessary thing to happen had I been more csutious. Anyhow, My husband was even angrier and being that my son was actually awake for the doctors probing and prodding and cat scans and everything else they have to do for safety sake because it was a very dangerous head injury. I had to listen to him screaming and crying and begging for me to help him. "MOMMY HELP ME" and even worse had no one to support me and hold me in the worst and most traumatic time of my sons and my own life because he was so angry with me(my husband). Thats how angry my husband was. I don't blame him. They were both very irresponsible and unnecessary injuries and mistakes... Somehow, though we have had some ups and downs, we are still married. I don't know what your husband did but maybe it was just an irresponsible mistake that he would never have made but just happened to make a bad decision that day. Hopefully you work it out for your children's sakes they really do need both parents. Let me tell you, I try my hardest to think of every scenario that would happen if I don't make the right safety decisions now. He probably would too, that is to think twice. L..

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L.P.

answers from Denver on

Hi E.

It is hard to comment when we dont know all the details but all I can say is that people make mistakes, we all do. Is this something your husband can learn from and not do again. Is it something that he can have a little Grace about and you guys can work at it together and if you had made the mistake would you want the same treatment. Unless he is sick and is molesting the kids for which I believe there is no help, maybe you need to take yourself out of the situation and look at it as a outsider or switch roles and see if the way you are currently dealing with it is the way you would want to be dealt with. Divorce is huge and the impact is long lasting. I wouldn't do it without talking to professionals first. You know I have found I am very type A and my ex very type B we have struggled for 10 years raising our daughter. But once I realized I can not change him, he is who he is and my daughter loves him, he may not be perfect in my eyes but I am not who he needs to be perfect for things have gotten much easier. I have realized it is a lot easier for me to lean more towards his direction then for him to rise to mine. Sometimes we have such high expectations for others that although they seem reasonable to us the other person can never reach. So find out why you are so rigid in right and wrong like I had to and move forward. This life is about love and family and you have both why go out and try to find it all over again when you have a chance to make it work the first time. That is all anyone wants. My 1st husband had a affair and walked out I had no chance to make it right or make him stay. Life is to short to push him out for little or no reason. Hope that helps.

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K.C.

answers from Grand Junction on

Sometimes just a seperation can put things into perspective. But if even after that your husband is putting your kids into danger than you have to think about your kids safety you are the parent and its your responsibility to keep there invironment safe.
I am really sorry you are in this position and I wish you the best of luck!!

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J.R.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Wow....Have you sought any advice from professionals?? Do it before you make such a huge decision. Children are very sturdy little creatures, and unless he actually did something life threatening, not just an oversight of something, you are over-reacting. Maybe you have anxiety issues. I did and I felt the same way about my hubby. When I finally got help and meds--it was amazing how much things changed. I am so glad I didn't throw all of the blame on him and leave. I would have still been a mess. Now I have a wonderful hubby and two great boys--who survived some less than perfect parenting but are perfectly normal. Good Luck!!

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L.H.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Don't know if you are over-reacting. What did he do? Many "neurotics" can't relax and enjoy being a parent or wife. Some things bother them more than necessary. Is it something worth destroying a family over?

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A.I.

answers from Fort Collins on

Hello E.!

You seem to have gotten some excellent advice so far. You didn't really give a lot of detail for us to guide you. I think your reaction is totally normal after just having a baby 3 months ago. There is nothing "Wrong" with you or your marriage, based one what you did share. If I were in your shoes, I would make sure I am getting enough nutrition and daily exercise. I think I would also seek out a counselor who specializes in marriage and family counseling to help me and my family adjust to the new arrival and smooth out any wrinkles.

As every one else has said, divorce is PAINFUL. It rarely solves anything, unless you and your children are in a scary and violent relationship.

Bright blessings,

A.~

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L.S.

answers from Grand Junction on

E.,
Hi, without knowing what the issues are it is difficult to give you much advice. In my opinion divorce is rarely...like never, an option so I wouldn't make it one no matter what is going on. Are you able to communicate with your husband of 6 years? Many issues can be resolved if we are open to our spouses without expecting them to read our minds. I'm not sure what else I can say but I would recommend you work it out before you think about leaving him. Leaving him could be more detrimental to your little ones then whatever is going on. God Bless You

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J.S.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Depends on what he did. If it was something serious in your eyes, then maybe you should see a counselor before you decide to file for divorce. If you've tried counseling and nothing seems to work, them maybe it would be best to start the process and see if he comes around.

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D.S.

answers from Grand Junction on

I really could not give you my opinion on the matter when you don't state what type of recent event happened. In regards to divorce being the answer if the kids or you are in any danger then yeah maybe separation is the answer, but if your not in physical danger than try to work it out.

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S.L.

answers from Boise on

An acquaintance of mine was divorced and got her ex-husband's custody revoked because he willfully and knowingly put their daughter in harm's way. This 6 year old girl suffers from seizures, which he knew, but he took her in a hot tub anyway. She suffered a seizure and had to be hospitalized.
I think for me, it would have to be something like that to consider not letting our kids spend time with their dad.
And frankly, this man has some mild mental illness issues that make him totally self-centered and selfish, and he thinks that everything he does is right (my husband suffers from the same disorder).
I doubt your husband did anything quite that bad, or criminal.
I think you're doing great to try to work out these problems. Don't be afraid to go to a counselor. When you are always telling your husband that he's doing something wrong, he may stop listening. But when a counselor says it, he may listen better. Counselors are great for keeping your own head on straight, too.

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L.J.

answers from Salt Lake City on

I'd probably say it depends on what recent event he did that makes you want to leave him... like if he cheated on you, hurt you physically, or the such... there is no way in heck i would want my kids to be around that kind of man. There's not enough info to give great advise, so I apologize... probably the best advise is to pray about it. Best of luck!

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M.S.

answers from Salt Lake City on

HI E.,

I think many wives and mothers come to this question at some point in their marriage, so you are not alone. Without knowing the event that occurred, I thought I would just say that there are times when my husband has not watched my children or cared for them in the same way that I would want him too. Though I know he loves them and he is a good dad, I certainly take great pre-cautions than he does. Having said that, I feel that this is my role as a mother--to keep my children safe and to help others keep them safe. Maybe a heart-to-heart conversation with your husband will help. And maybe it won't, maybe you will have to take more responsibility on yourself to watch your children the way you want them to be watched. Divorce is a huge issue for children and in some ways can be unsafe for them emotionally. I think it should not be considered after you have done everything else and exhausted every other possibility first. I ask myself 3 questions when I face dilemma's in my relationships: 1) Am I hungry, 2) Am I tired and 3) Am I in a hurry (rushing to get somewhere or expecting company, too much on my to-do list, etc.)? If I answer "yes" to any of these, I lay my concern on the table until I have met all of my needs first and can see the situation with a fresh perspective. I hope this helps, it's hard sometimes to convey thoughts in an email. :)

All my best to you,
M.

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M.M.

answers from Pocatello on

It's hard to respond to something of this magnitude without knowing what the event was.

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L.W.

answers from Colorado Springs on

Hi E.,

It's hard to know whether or not you're overreacting if you don't give a clue as to what the behavior is. Divorce is a very serious thing. If you cannot bring yourself to shed a little more light about the situation on Mamasource, I would suggest that you talk to a counselor.

Best Wishes,
L.

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K.R.

answers from Denver on

You say yourself that you are the "neurotic" of the family..I implore you to take your husband as he is and keep your marriage in tact. When you think of all of the truly neglected kids in the world that make it, how wonderful is it that you have a husband that is easy going, relaxed and that loves your children without a doubt.

My children are older now, but even when they were babies I was not a worrier. I know that many of my friends thought that my husband and I were crazy in the freedoms that we allowed our children. Today, those same people marvel at their responsible behavior and independence.

We had lost two children, a son born prematurely and another son that was a reclaimed adoption at four and a half months old that we had had the privlege of bringing home from the hospital. In our minds, we had experienced the worst, and survived. We were not about to waste a moment of worry on the what ifs and parent to the very best of our ability, even if it went against the flow.

Under the best of circumstances, children get hurt, and can have hard things happen, even with the most vigilant of parents. I think that you create a safe environment but that you also allow them room to live.

You didn't give much information to your situation, but I would say please keep your family intact. I can't imagine anything more damaging that taking away your children's father.

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M.A.

answers from Colorado Springs on

I do not know what kind of things your husband has done to harm your children but you should ask him to get help for whatever it is. If it is serious enough maybe you and the children should too. I know of a really great Christian marriage counselor as well. The most important thing you can do is forgive him. Pray for him that God will work in his life to become the man God created him to be. You can trust him again but you have to forgive him also. I will pray for you and your family. God knows your needs and I will pray that he meet them. There is nothing he can't do!! Jesus died for us on the cross to pardon our sins... because he loves us. There is hope in him!! Please write back if you want the name of the counselor... Take Care.

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S.M.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Hi E.,
It is hard to know if you are over reacting without knowing what happened. Some things are a one time event that people learn from immediately and don't do again, other things can happen only once and there isn't a second chance so it depends on what he did.

If you truly don't believe you can trust him with your children then you are looking at more than divorce, you are looking at trying to prove he is unfit and getting full custody with out visitation. Otherwise divorce gives him at least every other weekend alone with the kids and probably at least one day and night a week and half of all holidays. So if you still love him and he is a good dad and it is a mistake you don't think will happen again then move on, if you think he is a danger to your children then be ready to fight for them.
Good luck,
SarahMM

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M.B.

answers from Denver on

You loved this person so much you made vows of life committment and you had two children together. Think about everything divorce would entail, being a single mom ( including making most of the money, you will get child support but you won't be able to live on it), being 95% responsible for everything regarding the kids. I would do everything to not divorce, maybe you need some counseling yourself to help coping and dealing with some of those admitted neuroses. I saw Michelle Obama in an interview and she talked about a time when her kids were baby's and her husband was off campaining and not around much( and she had a very high powered career herself at the time) and she said marraige has ebbs and flows and you stick with it because you love that person and that's what marraige entails. Give him a chance, unless he is just awful, like beays you or verbally abuses you or has an addiction you need to work on it. Oh, and put the kids first here, having their parents split up is heartbreaking, and joint custody totally sucks.

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L.B.

answers from Provo on

E.,

How can I respond as to whether you are overreacting if you didn't tell me what he did or did not do?

All things being equal, anyone can make a mistake, even you. Absent a life-and-death situation and his total unwillingness to learn and change from the experience, it if far, far more destructive to destroy your family unit.

Absent a dire situation, forgive and move on.

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D.T.

answers from Denver on

In the absence of any details or examples it is impossible to say.

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M.M.

answers from Denver on

I am apparently ringing in late on this issue. One, there is too little information here to give you an honest "opinion". Two, divorce should be last resort unless you guys are in danger. Even if you separate, with out some serious court intervention the father will have visitation with out any input from your presence. So, think that through. It sounds like you appreciate his love for his children. Are you respecting him as a man, as your husband and as your head of household?

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E.G.

answers from Denver on

E.,
First it is totally impossible to say if you are overreacting or not. And even though it is very personal, if your asking for help on something as big as divorce more details is pretty important. Were either children hurt mentally or psychically? Was it just a big mistake that could happen to anyone including you? You said you know he loves them but don't think you can trust him in the care of my children? Are they not his children? If not, then it is sometimes normal for a man who is watching kids who are not his own to not watch them as carefully or care. If they are his then maybe it's just a case of not doing things exactly as you would have done them and he needs to learn some of those things. But without more info, I personally can't say your overreacting and would have to say if it was just a big misake it is not worth getting a divorce.
Good Luck
Hope it works out for all involved but formost the children
E.

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A.F.

answers from Denver on

E.,
What I hear in your message is a plea, you are hurt, scared and not sure what to do. If you do not feel comfortable explaining your situation for all the world to hear, please find an appropriate listener. A skilled counselor, therapist will let you talk you heart out. I also hear that you have labeled yourself 'neurotic' and would gently suggest that you also explore why you accept that label and its effects.
my heart goes out to you and I hope you find a peace, A.

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C.N.

answers from Salt Lake City on

E.,
Without specifics about what your husband has been doing,
it is a challenge to even start to advice you.
When you state "and lose everything I have worked so hard to accomplish". Call me simple-minded but marriage isn't about accomplishing anything. Marriage is about love and support on an on-going basis. We can only give our honest opinion to whether you are over-reacting if we were clear what you are reacting to.
With my whole heart,
C.

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L.S.

answers from Denver on

Don't give up on your marriage. Almost anything is salvageable.Remember your vows and why you were married in the first place.

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G.W.

answers from Pueblo on

The story in St. John ch.3 is the answer to most problems in life. Nicodemos was a religious man. A leader of the Jews. Yet He was told. Ye must be born again.
The churches are full of people Who need this experience.
You can not live the morle life unless you have Jesus as Savior and Lord.
Revelation Ch 21 and verse 8 Gives the judgement.
St. John ch. 1 Verse 12 Gives the power. Read Please.
Read the Book. Do the do's and Don'st the don'ts.

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E.B.

answers from Provo on

Yes, you are overreacting. There is nothing wrong with being a protective mother. My motto has always been "better safe than sorry". But to think of ending a marriage and taking these little children away from their father if by far worse. And in any case you will not be able to be with them watching out when they have visitation with their father.
My recommendation would be to get counseling with your husband to work thru this. Both with the issues you have regarding your husband and any issues he has with you.
This is by far a better approach to a problem. Couples these days are far to quick to throw away a family instead of sticking together during these tough times. You stated that you know your husband loves his children, well that pretty much says it all. Do you really think a father who loves his children would really try to hurt them? And you did make a statement that you felt you could no longer trust him with the care of your children. But they really aren't your children alone. These children are his children as well. You need to remember this when solving the problem. Again, I suggest a counselor to help you and your husband thru this. Otherwise, if you think this is bad, just wait until your are divorced. He will still have visitation with his children, he will probably remarry and another woman will be partially raising your children and there won't be a darn thing you can do about it. Re-think your position and get to work on your marriage before it is too late and he no longer wants to work it out with you.

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J.F.

answers from Billings on

Honestly, it would depend on what this "recent event" is. It does matter, if the safety of your kids is at stake. I mean, if he was having an affair, then I believe in divorce. If he was having an affair while your kids were in his care, then I am an even BIGGER believer in divorce. If one of the kids got out of the house while he was sleeping or something and almost got hurt, then he should learn that caring for children isn't all sitting on the couch and eating bonbons and he NEEDS to take it seriously, but you don't have to get divorced over that....so again...it truly depends. Don't let someone else make you feel bad about giving up everything you've accomplished. At some point the other person needs to take responsibility for the fact that THEIR actions could have given up everything you've worked for. Don't misplace blame. Do what YOU feel is right. Best of luck to you!

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T.W.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Hang in there. Marriage is a rocky road, expecially with young ones. Our tru colors come out and we are all tested. If that is all you have to worry about is a relaxed easy going guy than I would think that things are great! Is he faithful? Is he financially faithfull? Does he drink too much? does he come home to you and the kids and provide and love unconditionally... A couple learns more everyday. I have seen my parents go through unbelievable challenges that tested their strenghts as a couple. They have been married 45 years and are so happy. Nobody will love your children more than you and your current husband and that is something to REALLY ponder. Work it out! And try to look at life in a happier way. He will come around if you are not demeaning to him. Just because you are not there to see things happen does not always mean that good safe things are not happening... Have a little faith and love and small reminders just in case...

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T.B.

answers from Boise on

I think your best friend is right and you are smart to take her advice. Good Luck

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D.G.

answers from Albuquerque on

If you feel like his cations or choices are or could affect your children negetively, then no you're not overreacting. you definitely have to address this problem. don't wait around for something to happen that will make you regret your choice to forgive and forget. i'm not saying hat you should file for divorce tomorrow, but if you feel this strongly about what happened then take action. whether it is conselling, speaking to a spiritual advisor, police (hopefully not), or whatever avenue you think would be most effective, definitely pursue it. if your husband is not willing to take the same steps, then maybe divorce will be the only option. i can imagine this is really hard for your kids. i would suggest just telling them that their daddy loves them very much, but that he had to go away for a while. i know three year olds are very perceptive, but keep your explainations simple so she doesn't get confused, just focus on telling her how much she is loved. i hope that things worked out for you. be strong, and good luck.

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R.K.

answers from Salt Lake City on

You know, your post is woefully nondiscript. How can any of us give you real insight without knowing what you're talking about?

In general: if it was EVIL or ILLEGAL you might consider separation HOWEVER, unless you can PROVE he's EVIL and SEVERLY DANGEROUS your husband WILL get visitations with your children and this "problem" you have at the moment will be multiplied by whole days and nights where you have absolutely NO imput whatsoever.

If you are 100% sure he LOVES your children, I'm uncertain how you can worry so much about they're demise in his care.

We women are awfully emotional and don't always make the best decisions. Just because we are Mommies does not mean we are the superior parent and vice versa.

Surely you can draw absolute and uncrossable lines in the sand, however; remember, your husband is your children's father--he IS essential to them and he is also given inspiration toward they're well being and growth, even if the world wants you to believe otherwise.

Again, if he's simply an evil cad that you made a mistake in creating children with you should do what you have to to protect them from distruction.

I hope I've spoken in clear enough terms to help you put into perspective where you may be.

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J.W.

answers from Denver on

E., I am sorry to hear about your heart aching. I'm assuming that this is not the first irresponsible thing your husband has done??? If it is that bad that you want to end it on a first offense.
Sounds like you are a type A personality and he is a type B.
I have just witnessed first hand a similiar situation that ended in divorce. And from my observation the wife didn't feel loved and in turn she disrespected her husband to the point of driving him further and further away.
Bottom line there was something about him early on in your relationship that attracted you to him. Maybe it was the very fact that he was so oppostie from you.
If there is any hope try to be the bigger of the two and start respecting him for who he is and not for what he does or does not do.
You will be blown away by the response, if it is not too late.

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L.W.

answers from Salt Lake City on

i can't be much help because i don't know what he did, so i can't say if you are overreacting. but unless he molested them or beat them, you probably should do whatever you can to keep your marriage. it almost sounds like you have other deep seeded problems with your marriage that you are using the way he treats your kids as an excuse. if you know you are the "neurotic" one and he is the relaxed one, obviously your opinions about what is safe for the kids are going to be different. but to want to leave your husband over a disagreement or difference of opinion is just crazy . . . if we all did that no one would stay married. anyway i would try to figure out what it is that is really bothering you about your husband and marriage, talk to him, and work it out. good luck !

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E.G.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Try counseling together and separately before making such a huge decision. It is best to try and work through the problems you are facing, with an unbiased third party there to listen and help. Marital counseling is very very helpful, if you can both be open to hearing both good, and bad, things about yourself.

I went through a divorce, but I did try everything in order to fix our problems and save our marriage. My ex was unwilling to, but at least I tried. I feel good knowing that when my son asks why his parents got divorced,I can honestly say that I tried everything to keep his parents together, but sometimes it doesn't work out.

I hope it works out for the best, whatever that is.

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K.D.

answers from Colorado Springs on

I haven't gone through the exact situation but my I am not with the father of my son any longer. My son is 2 and it is so hard for him to go between the 2 of us. I don't know your exact situation, but I would try everything before giving up. If you love your husband, try to work it out. There are fathering classes he could attend to help make him aware of things that some guys just dont think about, and counseling to talk about it with an impartial person. I know that there is a time when enough is enough, but make sure you have tried it all before you throw in the towel!

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J.A.

answers from Denver on

I think dads allow thing mom's don't. When my husband is in charge he and my 3 kids climb trees, play paintball, ride 4-wheelers, and build ramps for their bikes. Kids need the differences in parenting styles in order to stay well balanced. Your kids should not fear their world. I think if he allows them to run with knives or play with fire he is just being reckless, but there is fun out there that is potentially dangerous. I would consider counseling, to help you intergrate your parenting styles. Don't break up your family.

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S.P.

answers from Great Falls on

I think you should try to do anything to save your marriage. Therapy, couples counciling, whatever. But then, if things don't change, I'd leave him. I spent seven years trying to make a doomed marriage work. I finally gave up last year and am now divorced. I wish I hadn't lived in denial for seven years. It hurt me, the kids and him. Divorce is a big decision and it is hard on older kids. I know that when I separated from him the first time, my one year old son, didn't seem to miss his daddy. I wish I had never gotten back with him. Also, I would be careful of making any big decisions right now because, your hormones are still out of wack due to having a newborn in the house. But you don't want to have your three year old hurt by him. I made my decision, not only for me but for my kids and what was healthier for them. Good luck!!!!

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D.K.

answers from Denver on

You aren't specific on the recent event. That says a lot if on whether you are in a situation that is dire.

I never think you should give up on a marriage without a full fledged and whole hearted effort from both parties. I am divorced and I wouldn't recommend it for anyone UNLESS you are in an abusive situation or there is really no hope of things getting better. And just because you divorce doesn't mean you will lose everything, it is a new chapter in your life instead. It is a hard road and one that should only be taken when there is no hope to working it out. I can say you will here on here on this site to "stay in the marriage at all costs", but I don't believe that either. If there are kids involved, every aspect of what they are exposed to should be taken into consideration. Kids are very aware of stress and tension and kids need a positive example of what a healthy relationship is. However, I believe you don't give up without a fight either!!!

You stated you are neurotic in the family, most moms are the worry warts. So it has to be defined what it is that happenend if you really want confirmation on your concerns or if you want us to tell you that it is over the top, make sense?
My kids miss their dad tremendously however he lives 1,000 miles away.
The biggest question I can ask you without knowing what is truly going on is, are the kids in danger? is there a bad example being put in front of them? are you in danger? are things to a point there is no hope? Have you talked to your husband about all of your feelings??????

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D.B.

answers from Denver on

You didn't give details of the situation. If you really believe your children will be harmed then that would be the only decision to make. Divorce is HARD on you and everyone. Then everything gets split ... time with the kids ... he'll get the kids without you being there anyway ... unless your going to fight to never let him see the children because he would hurt them .. that will be a long hard fight.

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M.S.

answers from Denver on

Elana,

I am sorry to hear you are going through these kinds of times. It would depend on what his mistake was and what other issues you are having. I got divorced when my kids were young as well. If you choose divorce and think that both of you being the best parents possilble and working together nicely makes it okay it still DOES effect the kids no matter what you do. That is how my ex and I handled our divorce and there are still problems my kids have had to go through because we choose divorce. Like for instance having to be a 2 houses is really a big issue for them and it gets worse and more inconvient when they get older. Another thing to think about is also that in any relationship there are always problems so if you choose to divorce him then you will just have a different set of problems to deal with when you are by yourself or when you get into new relationships. I just got remarried after being engaged for 7 years because I had to make the commitment to not only my husband but also his 2 boys that live with us fulltime and I don't like one of them and we butt heads no matter what I try to do to get it under control, which causes problems with my husband and I because you always want to be on your kids side and protect them. If you do get in another relationship and there are children it is much harder to raise the kids when they have been brought up in 2 different styles of households. I have 2 kids and my husband has 2 so now we have 4 teenagers EEK. We did live together while we were engaged. I have so may different things I could tell you. If you would like to talk let me know because I have to get back to work and need to be done. And dont think you will never be with anyone that has kids because that is what I said after watching my bestfriend go through it and still got sucked in because I really loved my husband and could see all of his good qualities that are so hard to find. It is no easy task finding someone that you truly enjoy and would want to marry them. If you are truly unhappy though and feel like it can't be worked out than I say divorce him. You will be wiser in your nect marriage, but there will still be problems. That's life. If it can be worked out I say go to counseling and try because that makeds your marriage and relationship stronger. You should always be able to have your own opinion and be able to be honest about it. Sorry gotta go.

Good luck, I will be thinking about you and would like to hear more.

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K.I.

answers from Denver on

PLEASE see a counselor together before you give up. They can put things in perspective for both of you. You have children who obviously need you both so do everything you can to make it work.

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C.M.

answers from Boise on

Without knowing the specifics, i think that a family staying together is worth the work. a marriage is not easy, and having children adds pressure -- that's a given. i would recommend getting some outside help, either from a minister or counseler so that you two can learn to work together as a team and respect each others opinions. Good luck!

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M.S.

answers from Boise on

I don't know what happened, but the best thing is to try to keep your marriage together, if you can. Sometimes we have to put ourselves last so that our kids feel safe and secure, sometimes it doesn't work out that way. My advice is to try to stay together and work it out. I will be praying for you and your situation.

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J.H.

answers from Billings on

I hate to be nosy, but I am not sure I can give you great advice without knowing what has led you to the point where you find yourself.
If you don't trust your husband with your children, then there is a big problem. However, if you consider yourself to be the neurotic member of the family, you could be overracting--again, it is hard to judge without knowing what the even was that caused you to feel this way.
I am the neurotic memeber of my family, and I tend to overreact and over worry A LOT. Much of the time, what I am worrying about turns out to be not with the effort I have poured into it.

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