Am I over Reacting? - Oklahoma City,OK

Updated on November 16, 2017
M.G. asks from Oklahoma City, OK
15 answers

A question about how im handling the situation between my husband and I. Long story short. Two weeks before we were married he had text three ex girlfriends and deleted what he sent. Then he went to bed before they had a chance to respond. I found out because his phone went off when i woke up to use the bathroom. He claims he doesnt remember doing it because he was drinking.
Next a woman he works with waved at him on fb and 10pm. He waved back. Thats it. But i told him it was inappropriate and he should say something to her. He didnt so i got mad and i did. That ended in me putting hands on her (i know it was wrong) then i quit working there with him. He went to the bar that night without me. Thats the second time hes been to the bar without me.. i feel that is inappropriate behavior for a married man. I asked him not to work with her any more and he refused to quit. By the way this job is a weekend job he does for extra money. Not his main job.
Next i seen a fb message to a female friend he said he hasnt seen in 10 years. It went like this. Hey sweetheart, i know your a good girl teacher now but if your ever in the city we can go b52 it up (aka get drunk). He doesnt call me sweetheart and the fact that hes calling her a once, bad girl pisses me off.
Last i spent 2 hours dressing up, going to his weekend job and hanging out with him (hes a bar tender) after not going there for months... and he didnt say one single thing about how i looked....
We have a 3 month old baby and i am just now able to fit in some clothes. But nothing... no compliment of any kind. Im starting to get extreamly depressed. We havent even been married a year. I feel like too much little stuff is adding up for me. So am i just over reacting and as he puts it... just trying to control him? Should i let it all go? Why are my feelings hurt so bad, he hasnt cheated? Thank you for any advice.

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O.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

You are 100% not overreacting. It's time to have a serious conversation with him. It's time to grow up and be a man, be a husband and be a good father.

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W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

M.,

I'm sorry - you have no trust in your husband. That's sad.

You ARE trying to control him.

1. There is NO problem with him WAVING to another person - male or female.
2. You already know your response was wrong. You need to control YOURSELF.
3. You can't ask him to quit his job because a female works there.
4. Going to a bar alone? Eh - 50/50 on that one. I don't like my husband going alone because I don't want him drinking and driving....but that's ME.

You need mental help. You need to seek a psychiatrist for post partum depression. You really need help.

Your marriage needs a strong marriage counselor. You don't trust him. You're insecure and it's going to ruin your life and your marriage.

9 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

You have a 3 month old, spent 2 hrs dressing up for a bar and hung out there to watch your husband tend bar.
(Who was looking after the baby?)
Yeah I'm thinking postpartum depression could be a part of this picture.

You guys are not firm in your relationship.
It helps to have that for awhile before having kids because babies - no matter how much you both wanted them - do causes strains even in the most stable relationships.

You got into a fight with some woman over him - I always have trouble understanding that.
If you are mad at him - then keep the focus of your anger on him and don't displace it onto who ever is flirting with him.
A devoted husband can't be lured away no matter who bats their eyes at him.
If he's flirting back - HE is the problem - not her.

I don't know if he was married before or not but if he's willing to cheat WITH you then he'll be willing to cheat ON you.

First - see your doctor and deal with the postpartum depression.
This could take months - but you will feel better eventually.
You have a new baby - I think it's natural to focus on your newborn and good to strongly bond with your child.
Your husband should be bonding with the baby too.
If he's working all week AND all weekend - when is he home with his family (you and the kids)?

Second - your longer term struggle is going to be with your husband because your relationship needs a stronger foundation than it has.
Please get some marriage counseling.
If he won't go then go without him.

7 moms found this helpful

E.J.

answers from Chicago on

I think you have two separate issues: your health and trust in your marriage.

Both can influence each other.

The primary issue is your health. The adjustment to becoming a mother is hard and you need support. Please contact your OB/GYN and discuss your concerns. Ask to be screened for post partum depression and ask for a referral to a practitioner who specializes in it. Also see if your local hospital/community has a support group.

I don’t know if your husband’s behavior is appropriate or not. Each marriage has its own rules and expectations. What is concerning is that he continues to defend his behavior, ignore your concerns which leaves you feeling bad about yourself. It does seem like there are a few bumps in your marriage right now and you both could benefit from support. What is even more concerning is that you put your hands on another person because you could not control your emotions.

The best thing you can do for yourself, your child, and your marriage is to first get yourself healthy, and then start to evaluate your marriage.

Additional:
Getting married and having a child in a short amount of time puts a lot of strain on a relationship. Sounds like you and your husband are long over due for a conversation about expectations of marriage and spouses. You guys need to get on the same page. But first get your health checked out. PPD can alter the lens you are viewing the relationship thru. Once this gets cleared up you will feel more confident in yourself and your reactions to others.

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S.S.

answers from Atlanta on

Sounds like you have post-partum depression. Please see your OB/GYN and ask for a referral.

You are hyper critical and being more like a mother than a partner. The way your post reads? You don't trust him. Did you meet him while you were married? Is that it?

You are expecting him to notice every thing about you. Is this new or a change?

You checked his phone? You don't trust him. I don't touch Tyler's phone.
Tyler doesn't go out alone. he goes with his friends and there is always a designated driver.

Please get help

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

Can only respond based on how I would react to a few things.

1 - to the him texting his exes (three?) two weeks before you were married. My husband would just never do that. That would be a red flag for me. We would have had to have discussed this. Why the need to reach out toe exes? He then deleted them ... but regardless - to me that wouldn't matter. That just seems odd to me.

2 - the 'waving' thing on Facebook - that seems harmless enough. I don't use that feature and I don't think my husband does, but not sure what the big deal is there. Why is that inappropriate?

3 - You put your hands on her? Ok - that's pretty messed up. Sorry - just is, don't mean any disrespect. Do you have a history of this? Were you pregnant at the time? To me this suggests you might have a mental health issue. I would reach out to your physician. Pronto. Your hormones may be out of whack from the pregnancy or post partum depression or otherwise. You are lucky she did not press charges.

4- Going to a bar without you and giving him ultimatums. That's not really how marriages or healthy relationships work. You don't tell him what to do or control him. It's about healthy compromise, being good to one another but also about boundaries and being understanding. You might want to get some counseling for yourself and if he's up for it, some marriage counseling.

5 - The message to his female friend suggesting they get together to go get drunk - ya, that's not cool. With you on that one.

As for him not noticing you being dressed up etc. sounds like you guys are just not communicating at this point. I think that's the least of your worries at this point to be honest. You obviously don't trust him and maybe you have reason to - I think that's the bigger problem. Counseling for you but start by reaching out to your physician I think. I would go for there and ask for help. Best to you.

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

No, I don't think you're overreacting. If he is deleting texts, he is hiding something. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with people having friendships with people of the opposite sex while in a relationship IF they are communicating in a "normal" manner (nothing to hide, no sexting, no inappropriate texts or being evasive). I have such friends and I would welcome anyone to check my phone for proof that there's no funny business going on, even when I am not involved in a relationship. That he contacted not just one, but THREE women AND deleted all their texts tells me there was something offensive/questionable that would have made you flip and he wanted to hide that (I am ignoring the Facebook wave thing because just saying hi to someone is harmless, plus he didn't make any effort to conceal it).

I don't care if he is drinking, texting exes while in a relationship is inappropriate, immature behavior. I know tons of people who drink, I have drank, never have I nor they contacted an ex. That is just an excuse. Rather than owning up to his mistake, he is blaming something else -- your desire for control, and the fact the alcohol "made him do it". Maybe if he had manned up and said he messed up and he was sorry, I would respect him more but as of right now, nope. Being a bartender just makes it harder, no different than a man who dates a stripper and has his doubts about her. These charming people get paid to be extra-friendly and flirtatious and do so well. At the same time, I doubt that this is the first time he does this, it may just be the first time he was careless.

I don't know how long you dated before deciding to marry him, but it seems you should have taken things a bit slower because maybe then, you would have known what you were getting into. You could have addressed the fact that his behavior is concerning and that you don't appreciate it to see if he would take your feelings into account, for once. Even when he puts his evasive, questionable behavior on display to you though, 2 weeks later, you decided to marry him and NOW it's an issue? Sorry but you kind of put yourself in this situation. He proved he could not be trusted and what did you do? You went ahead and married him. WHY??????? Did you think he'd change? So many people marry hoping their future spouse will change, and this is a complete fallacy.

By the way, I don't see an issue with a man going to hang out with his boys, except your husband isn't doing that. He is asking females to go get drunk with him -- other females than YOU, and he isn't even inviting you to come along to reassure you that he is being faithful and put your mind at ease. What do you think happens when an untrustworthy man gets drunk with a woman he is hitting on? Nothing good can come of this. There are severe trust issues in this relationship. You should not have to spend the rest of your life wondering if the buzzing phone is another one of his latest girl friends responding in kind to his flirting, or wondering if the reason he is home late was because he was sleeping with one of the bar patrons.

Whether or not you're depressed is a different story and won't make the trust issues go away. One thing is not dependent on the other, though I do think that there's no harm in seeing a therapist for your own anger issues and seeing whether you're also going through PPD and can benefit from seeing a therapist. He has given you no reason to trust him, he isn't reassuring you about your doubts either, and hiding the evidence of his bad behavior is only adding on to your suspicions. When there is no trust, there is no relationship, or at least that's how I see it. I don't know if couples therapy will help you fix your marriage, but for me, this would be a deal-breaker and I'd never be able to trust a man who disrespects me like that. A leopard does not change his spots.

Are you wanting a lifetime of checking his phone, putting a tracking device on his car, or featuring him on Cheaters, or do you want to be with someone who is mature enough to not engage in this nonsense and be faithful and focused to his wife and child? A man who respects you would not do this and would stop at the first indication that it bothers you because he'd take your feelings into account. A man who loves you would not want to cause you harm, but he only cares about himself and having his ego stroked. He is as immature as a teen boy on the playground wanting all the girls fighting over him. I'm sorry. I wish you luck, whatever you decide to do. Ultimately, it's your decision.

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D..

answers from Miami on

Well, first of all, he should not have married you. He wasn't ready to get married, and you are a hot mess. Put your hands on her? You are a menace to other people.

You need to go to get counseling and you need anger management classes. The way you treat your husband is going to make him leave you one day.

He may not be a great husband, but you are so NOT a great wife. If you want to be married a year from now, you had better change the way you think and the way you act.

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H.M.

answers from Dallas on

I agree with the others. You need to talk to your OBGYN and get on meds for postpartum depression as well as seek counseling.

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M.6.

answers from New York on

Working in a bar as a second job is simply a way to have your cake and eat it, too. As long as he is working as a bartender, I don't see a resolution. However, my guess is this job isn't new and probably how YOU met him - do you really think he has changed?

Good luck!

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J.B.

answers from Boston on

ETA: to answer your question, no you are not overreacting. One could argue that you have boundary issues and are acting immaturely, but his behavior is suspicious and inappropriate and you deserve better.

Original: Sorry your marriage is off to a rocky start, that's so hard. Doing the math...3 month old baby, not married a year...shotgun wedding? Or at least a pregnancy before the wedding? That's a tough way to start a marriage. Rather than getting to enjoy time as a couple and get your feet under you while building a solid foundation, you've hit the ground running with a baby right from the start. Sounds like it's been too much, too soon for both of you. My ex was like this. We each were single parents before we met so we weren't new to parenting, but we were looking forward to some time blending our family with just the two of us and our two kids before having one more. Birth control failed and I got pregnant a few months before our wedding and my then-husband couldn't deal with it. He really flipped out about the pregnancy, about money, and I later found out that during that time, he rekindled relationships with an ex-girlfriend and actually did cheat on me.

Assuming that he was a good guy and that you planned to marry him and didn't just marry him because you were pregnant, try to take a step back, breathe, and get into counseling. My guess is that he's overwhelmed (as are you), possibly resentful that so much has changed so quickly, and like the ego-stroking that he gets from flirting (or whatever else he's doing). He needs to grow up and commit to you and your baby. Hearing that from you won't go well, so perhaps with a marriage counselor, he can see that what the three of you have ahead is so much better and worth so much more than the life of being single. Because you have a baby, you've both got to work to get back on solid ground and give her a good start. Your life has turned completely upside-down in less than a year, you're dealing with the very real hormonal imbalances of pregnancy and post-partum, etc.. Give yourselves time to adjust.

If, after counseling, he still won't really commit to being a grown up, being a good husband and father, and this nonsense continues, you're going to have to assess whether or not you're better off single. At this point, I think your priorities need to be couples counseling and getting on really reliable birth control so that you don't add another baby into the mix until you're sure of where this is going.

I really wish you the best - I've been in your shoes where the happily-ever-after turns into a nightmare right from the start, and it's really tough to figure out what to do, you feel like you're crazy, etc. Trust your gut here - there is something very off and inappropriate in his behavior. Deal with it in counseling, find out what he's really thinking, and make plans from there.

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T.D.

answers from Springfield on

my hubby is attached to my hip, we do everything together except work! so if he wanted a guys night i would say go and enjoy!
if you are worried about this you need to seek counseling. you need to let facebook waves go, and talk to him, tell him you are concerned. and if all else fails get your finances in line and get out of the marriage.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

Some of what you say definitely feels like red flags to me, but they don't necessarily add up to cheating. I would say you guys could benefit from some counseling, you for your trust issues and him for his lack of respect for your feelings. Also, if he is working a regular job and tending bar on the weekends when does he take care of your child? When do you get a break? Babies are hard, the nerves can get frazzled, and you have to have a break every so often. Sounds like you have a lot of issue to work out, I hope you guys can learn how to communicate effectively with each other and can listen to each other without judgment. Best of luck.

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N.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

He must really love you to stay with you after that. So you have some choices. I think your relationship can be better if you sit down and try to figure out what's going on. You must be insecure for a reason.

He needs to have friends, female, male, it doesn't matter because if he's going to cheat he's going to find a way to cheat. If he's not a cheater then a woman could dance naked in front of him and he's not going to be interested.

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G.♣.

answers from Springfield on

I don't know if you're overeating or not (except for the Facebook "wave" - definitely overreacting there), but there are definitely better ways you could deal with this.

Don't accuse or get mad or tell him what to do. That's just going to put him on the defense. Nicely let him know that these things bother you - texting an ex or meeting another woman at a bar when you are not included. That's understandable, but you have to say it in such a way that it's not just you telling him what to do.

It stinks that he didn't compliment you when you joined him at the bar. Let him know that you tried hard to look good for him and were a little disappointed that he didn't say anything. He probably did notice and just didn't say anything. Guys can be like that! It's also possible that afraid he wasn't going to get good tips that night if the ladies knew he was married. Not really fair to you, but also a definite possibility.

Having a baby is way more work than most people realize until they have one. Your baby is only 3 months old. That's a huge adjustment. It's normal for your relationship to be strained right now. But what you have to do is look for ways to draw him in to you. Right now most of the things you are doing are only going to push him away.

You have to talk to him when you are calm and not when you are upset. Also, you can't be telling him what to do. You can, however, tell him how what he is doing is affecting you. You have to be flexible and willing to listen and work with him.

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