Am I Just Blind or Hopeful?

Dear M.,
I would so encourage you to try to reconcile for the sake of your child if this is not an abusive situation. Find a really good counselor-- if you are a Christian, I would highly recommend you choose someone who is a Christian counselor. Praying for the best for you and your family.
Hugs,
A.

The good thing about this is your are not alone. There are many other women who have gone through this. I don't know if you are a Christian, but I do have a suggestion for you. I have had to go through the same experience at some point, the thing that I did was draw more closer to the Father. The Holy Spirit revealed to me some thing about myself and my husband. Most importantly, I had to change some things within myself that was driving a wedge between my husband and I. I prayed for my husband until I saw God move in his life. I think what was more difficult for me is to see myself and make some necessary changes. I encourage you, if you are a believer to seek the Father and be obedient to what he shows you. If you are not a believer, I would encourage you to think about what I am saying. If you want more information, I would be more then happy to share with you on what to do next. I will pray for you and your marriage. The bible says, "All things work together for the good of them that love God, and are called according to His purpose." If you love your husband, then you know what to do for the sake of your marriage, your son, and yourself. Listen to that still small voice within you.

I think just about everyone deserves a second chance. I would take him at his word and let him back in your life unconditionally and just show him what he was missing while gone and encourage him to appreciate it. Counseling is definitely a great suggestion. Some second chances have led to the most wonderful relationships. If it happens again, make sure you take him to court for financial support- you don't want your son seeing you not stand up for yourself and he needs to support you guys.

By letting him back in you're teaching your son to forgive and love.

M., if your marriage is to survive, you really should seek counseling. Having children is very h*** o* a marriage. What you and your husband are experiencing is really common and with a little help, you can get your marriage back on track. Also, each of you might want to read a book called "His needs, her needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. It also talks about how to "affair-proof" your marriage, but the principles are the same for keeping your marriage strong and healthy under any circumstances. It really sheds light on becoming aware of each other's needs and learning how to meet them. The fact is that the separation is a two-way street. No one spouse is to blame because somewhere along the line someone's basic needs weren't met. While things can be rosy in the beginning of a marriage, when children arrive, the needs structure of your relationship as a couple gets shifted and it's h*** o* everyone. According to "His needs, Her needs" (and I fully believe it after 7 years of marriage and 2 small children) each of you has 5 basic needs, and they're not the same things. You may go about trying to meet his needs based on what makes YOU feel happy, and vice versa for him. The end result is that you're both spending energy on the wrong things and no one is fulfilled in the relationship.

Just to give you a glimpse of what the book covers, a man's basic needs in a marriage tend to be:
1. sexual fulfillment (no surprise here!),
2. recreational companionship (anything from playing cards to watching Monday night football, he just wants to have fun with you),
3. an attractive spouse (the meaning of this varies with each man, and the book explains it very well),
4. domestic support (the book explains this better than I can),
5. admiration (he wants you to be proud of him -- the book explains how you can work together on this because you can't be proud of him if he's not meeting your needs.)

On the other side, a woman's needs tend to be:
1. affection,
2. conversation (he does a good job of explaining to guys the type of conversation women need),
3. honesty and openness,
4. financial support (again, the book does a good job of explaining to guys how financial support meets an emotional need for women, not just a physical need), and
5. family commitment (coming home from work in time for dinner, sharing responsibilities with the kids to some extent.

One thing I've learned is that a lot of meeting each others needs has to be very intentional. It won't just happen naturally because of the distractions of work, the baby, household responsibilities, etc. And it takes both of you working at it for some successful trade-offs. If eating dinner at a certain time each day meets a "domestic support" need for my husband (this is just an example, my hubby doesn't care on this one :-)), then I have to do whatever it takes to get the food on the table at that time (leave work earlier, for example). And he might need to change something to help you meet that need, like pick the baby up from daycare. On the flip side, picking the baby up from daycare might meet some of your need for family commitment (because you're feeling stressed or rushed at work because you have to do both drop off and pick up).

Anyway, I know this is long, but I've seen lots of marriages (including my own) struggle in the early years after kids arrive. Just wanted you to know that it's common, so you're not alone, and that you (and your husband) can do something about it to not only stay married, but to have a fulfilling relationship "until death do us part" just as you (and God) intended.

M., HIGHSCHOOL SWEETHEATS WOW!! I wish i would have married my highschool sweetheart!! Anyway i married someone else... and now im divorced, Sometimes men need a little i guess you could say "a wake of call" if you still love him and does the same.. Try to work it out.. Do not let him leave and come back leave and come back... if he really wont's to really make a Goal of it.. then you should try... BUT PLEASE PLEASE DONT LET HIM DO AS HE PLEASES!!! GOOD LUCK

T.

M.,
If he wants to come back, then you set the ground rules.
1.Stay seperated. Make plans to eat dinner or take walks and talk about things. (No monkey business. That will do nothing but cloud your judgment)
2.He needs to set up regular times to pick up your son and spend quality time with him. He needs to apologize to him for ditching you guys.
3.He also needs to start helping financially. Make an arrangement that's agreeable to you both and get it in writing.
4. Get couseling.
Give this some time and see how he does. If getting back is important to him, he'll do it and you will be in control if you do it this way. If he starts helping out financially, set some of it back. That way if he bails again, you'll have something to fall back on.
It's important that you don't just jump back into this. He should have to work a little to get you back. He'll appreciate you and your child more. My husband and I have our problems, we all do. The thing to consider here, is what can YOU deal with and how will it affect your little boy.
Good luck and let us know how things are going.

E.

Leave while you can. I hate to be so blunt but for the love of GOd. If this man can leave and not see you but most importantly your son for weeks whats to say he won't do it again? Answer..... NOTHING.
He can't have his cake and eat it too which is just what he will be doing if you let him back. Find yourself an apartment. And just know that is better for you as well as your son that this happen now. Otherwise he is going to do it again in a few weeks or maybe even a few years. And it is going to hurt a lot worst then.
All you have told me in your email is that your husband left you in a very hard place during a very hard time. YOu have been a single mom to that little boy. YOu both deserve better. Sometimes you just need someone else to tell you that.

If you think he is serious and you want to give him a chance, then I strongly recommend seeing a counselor before you move in with him. A counselor will be able to get at the cause of his problem in the first place so it hopefully won't happen again. If he refuses to see a counselor with you, then he isn't totally committed. If you watch Grey's Anatomy, you'll understand this question. Is he the pig or the chicken?

If I were in your shoes, I would probably give your husband a second chance ONLY if he agrees to go to marriage counceling with you. If he really wants to work things out, he will do this with a very open mind. Sometimes it's hard to explain why people go through such sudden changes. I think that the hardest thing for you will be trying to forgive him (although you are totally entitled to be angry). You will probably have a lot of anger towards him for a while and that's okay. I believe that in the end, you have to do what is best for ALL of you. Your son is top priority no doubt. However you and your husbands happiness as a couple is just as important. Remember, the best thing that you can do for your son is to take care of your marriage! Good luck.

Hi M.,

Hope things are going ok. Basically, you are asking advice on a major life decision. I was thinking that you might like to get back with him and be looking for some outside guidance possibly due to non supportivniss on the part of your family who was there for you when he wasn't. Just a guess, but I know Moms and I am one too.

The betrayal is deep I would imagine. I have had a similar experience about 16 years ago. I was left with no recourse but court. I needed money and to go to school. See, he showed me he was unreliable.

Us Young Ladies have to stand on our own strongly and then we say yes or no and they leave, not us. Sounds so harsh, I know. If you can't make it with him without the worry of being left(you can't trust him now), then you have to set it up so you can be independent of him. And make him pay! Think of it as business. Get to know him again.
Counseling is always a good idea, if he is going to go and do the work. You get out of it what you put into it, and many younger guys say no. You should seek it for you regardless, I hope Christian, but do not be decieved into thinking he is soooooo in love with you.

Watch out no matter what he or anyone says. This man left you and a baby. That is biblically a sin.
If you are still reading this, then next, my friend used to say What's love got to do with anything and it is never enough. I didn't understand for a long time. YOU OR HE can love one another, but not have the integrity, accountability or stability to stay in the relationship. He might need to grow up or prove it that he has. Or is atleast trying.

You stick to your guns, and do some things for you and your self esteem. I recently changed hair colors and I feel like a movie star. Get educated, or beautified, treat you like a princess and let him know your expectation Will be higher.
Good luck.
Jackie(____@____.com)