Am I Just a Bad Mom?

I don't think there are bad moms so much as you may need help parenting her.

- child psychologist - we went to one for a few sessions. My son saw her also - separately. Best thing we could have done. We didn't understand what was eating my son until then. He was stressed.

- having her assessed for learning challenges or disabilities - have you had her evaluated?
Sometimes a tutor/plan can be helpful

- my preteens/teens had bad weeks. We all done. I wouldn't ground so much as have her talk/you listen. Could very well be hormonal.

If she is two grades behind, home schooling her when you are already stressed is not an option. She needs an evaluation, possible IEP and other services that a school can provide. I suggest scheduling an meeting with the counselor at the school and have her evaluated. It's possible she has an underlying learning disability that went undetected.

You need supports and allow the school system to work with you. That's why we pay taxes.

I echo the others who say these are serious issues and probably require a counselor's expertise. Bullying, stealing and lying are character issues. I would be more concerned with getting help for those issues. Schooling is important for sure, but someone's character, to me, is more important.

I am a homeschooling mom for over 12 years. I can tell you that homeschooling is a journey. Figuring out how your child learns best is paramount. I have two kids who have very different learning styles. I am happy for you to message me privately if you would like to visit about homeschooling. I second the idea of finding a homeschool coop.

To me, grounding looses it's desired effect if it's in place all the time. She may feel like it's too hard to achieve the things you've set forth. She may feel she's not good enough. This age is hard if she had perfect circumstances.

If you haven't read love and logic for teens, I would highly recommend you read it. Another book is the 5 love languages. For homeschooling, I recommend looking at Cathy Duffy's top 100. There is a survey in there for you to take that describes different characteristics about your kiddo and helps you discover what type of learner your child is. All of these books can be found at the library. I know the first two are also on audio if you don't have time to read them.

Best to you. I know you're overwhelmed by all of your circumstances. Please don't let her needs be cast aside due to you being spread thin with the other kids in the family. She's crying out for help and if you don't listen and get her some help, she will likely be self destructive in her teen years.

I think you've taken on way too much.

Are you skilled as a teacher? Do you have solid lesson plans and materials? Or are you just drilling her on what you feel she's behind in? Not everyone can be a teacher, just like not everyone has the skill set to be a firefighter or a mathematician or a poet. How are you measuring her grades, when you say they go up or go down? Are you using just one book and doing quizzes provided? There are many ways to assess a student's progress.

If you pulled her out of school and also grounded her from privileges and perhaps friends, she probably feels pretty isolated. If there's a new baby coming, she knows you are not going to be able to sustain the current schedule and pace. It's already hard, as you say, with a 2 year old. So, she's rebelling. That's what most 12 year olds do anyway, although some kids do it more. I wonder if that's what was going on in school with the stealing, lying and bullying - is she trying to get your attention? Is she trying to stand out in a blended family when her father isn't around and few other relatives are around?

If your sister is highly critical of you, doesn't that affect your self-confidence? She shouldn't do it, and I have no idea whether you're a skilled homeschooler or not, but do you think your daughter picks up on the criticism by her aunt? How do we know if your sister is a good teacher or not? Just because she's been doing it for a long time? Maybe she's terrible at it, you know? Maybe she's more interested in getting money from you than in educating your daughter. It's possible she'd be excellent at it and perhaps her criticisms of your methods are valid. But it doesn't sound like you have a good yardstick for evaluating any of this.

I'm really concerned that your daughter was two grade levels behind, and no one told you. She never was on the school's radar, was never evaluated, and you were never invited in for a conference to discuss the services available for free to help her succeed? Something's really wrong with that scenario, and I don't know whether it's a terrible school system or there's just terrible communication.

Your daughter, and you, need more support. Find a family counselor and get her some help. Find out how you can be a better participant in whatever plan is set in motion. Your daughter needs an education plan, yes. But she also needs socialization, emotional support, appropriate rewards for good behavior and consequences for bad behavior. She's hormonal at this age. She may need some more testing too. She needs an advocate. Maybe you are too strict, I don't know. I know that being overly strict can drive your child away from you and toward bad influences. But your sister undermining your authority doesn't help at all.

Since you sound totally overwhelmed, I suggest you get a good counselor who accepts your medical insurance. Ask your child's pediatrician for a referral, ask your pastor if you have one, or ask the school for recommendations to a good psychologist (unless you think the school is totally below par and useless). You need to get this matter out of your house and into the professional realm, and you need to do it quickly before the new baby (and more upheaval and exhaustion) arrive.

You're not a bad mom if you can't do it all. You're only a bad mom if you don't reach out for help.

I'm a homeschool mom to a 9, 7 and 4 year old. The secret to being successful at homeschooling is to let ideas of "schooling" go. Every family has to find their own rhythm and way of doing things. But first and foremost, the most important thing, is the connection you have to your children, and the connections they share. Grade levels don't matter as much has building a loving and supportive environment where kids can be curious and exploratory. This includes finding a group of other homeschoolers that you feel supported by.

She obviously has some need that isn't being met, so helping her to repair herself is the number one priority --if you ask me. I myself would put a pause on all school work till the fall. I would head off to the library and let her find a ton of book she is interested in reading, and I would go on lots of field trips. You are in Colorado springs! Send her outside! Let her find a secret garden that will make her healthy and whole again. Her happiness is so much more important than some school pages. Kids can pick up what they need, if they so wish, very quickly. You can do the whole of math up to grade 6 in a matter of months, if you want. Without real interest, no real learning happens. So what is she interested in? Start there.

Also the biggest lie out there is that only some people have the time, patience, and talent to homeschool. Almost everyone can do it, if they want. The hardest part is silencing all those negative voices that think they know what is best for your family. As a favorite old time homeschooler I know likes to say, focus on building JOY, the rest will follow.

I recommend reading the book "Raising our children, raising ourselves" by Naomi Aldort. It's all about how to transform parent-child relationships from struggle and reaction to freedom and joy. She homeschooled herself and is a therapist. She's the sort of parent we all wish we could be --I've heard her talk, she's amazing! And she raised three very successful children without schooling. Schooling isn't the most important thing, your daughter is.

Is your daughter receiving the services she needs? Homeschooling may be great, but the core problem doesn't go away just by removing her from the school situation. It sounds like she needs more than an educational evaluation and should be seen by neuro-pscyh specialists. All the strictness in the world will not solve the problem if what she needs are services and therapies for a condition.

ETA: Thank you for updating. I am curious regarding your statement that she is in counseling? Does she have a diagnosis? Did you decide to quit the therapists or did the therapist suggest it? It is very common for teens to "not talk" to a therapist. Have any of the therapists been certified in Addictions or certified to work with children of alcoholics? Has she attended any therapy groups for children of alcoholics?

I think you are a good mom trying to do your best. I also think you understand that she is screaming out for your attention or the positive attention of an adult.

It's not clear how much influence her bio dad has had on her younger years, except now he seems to be undermining you. That is very frustrating. But I wonder if there is something that happened during her younger years that is impacting her today.

Would she benefit more from a school for the Arts? Sorry that the school system also seems to be an obstacle for her. Don't give up and just keep every correspondence with the school in writing.

You have a long road ahead with her. It's going to take time with her, and you will need to be realistic and patient.

Good luck

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I think you've gotten good suggestions so far.

For a minute, think about how she feels about her life.....she has an uninvolved father, a stressed mother,is frustrated in school and is about to get even less time from the one parent she does have.....

Why bother with school work? Why bother with being good when one step back causes her to lose all the positives she has gained?

Parenting is hard. Then add in the mix a blended family, new baby, possible learning disability and the fear that your new family (step dad, half siblings) will all but make her feel invisible. Her 'family of origin' is not functioning and she is questioning where she fits in.

She needs help mama, and your positive attention. She needs your empathy. She needs you to see that her 'bad behavior' is an attempt for her to vent frustration and validate that she matters. I think you need professional help with this.

Please contact a child therapist to get her help before it becomes a problem so big that you lose her altogether. I would move on this quickly so that you can hopefully set up her own support outlet to have when baby comes.

Keep your family business away from your sister. She is not helpful or useful, and is in fact adding to your stress. Keep your family issues between those that live in your house or those that offer helpful solutions.

Added: I don't think you are a bad mom. I think your daughter is showing you symptoms of some stress that is going on in your family and this stress is beyond what homeschooling can fix. Please reach out to psychological and educational professionals.

You have gotten some great advice on the homeschooling part of it below and it sounds like you are trying so hard. Bad moms are the ones who don't try and don't care...they don't find counselors...they don't look for better curriculum...they don't reach out for help.

I am just sending you a hug because us Mamas gotta stick together and back each other up.

It does sound like to me her frustration in school being behind is coming out in her behavior (and that you have a new family with step-dad, could also be an issue). But you are working on it!! Good luck!!

I don't think it is so much CAN you homeschool, but rather SHOULD you homeschool. Lots of people homeschool with infants and small children at home - my neighbor homeschools her 6 and 8 yr olds and also has an infant, 2 and 4 yr old running around. I'm amazed, but she does a great job. So being pregnant or having an infant shouldn't be a barrier.

I think rather on focusing on removing your daughter from the situations she is struggling in, maybe you should first find out WHY she is struggling. Is she seeing a therapist or a counselor? Did she have any kind of testing (other than "state testing" to see that she was behind academically)? What did her school say before you pulled her out?

Another thing I think I would ask myself is "can I REALLY homeschool." You mentioned doing "the best you can." That isn't really how homeschooling works. This is your child's one shot at education. If you can't give 100%, you are potentially affecting her ability to attend college later, get a decent job, or even graduate high school. Homeschooling isn't for everyone and just because you are already at home doesn't mean that you are genuinely "qualified" to homeschool - especially a child who may have learning disabilities.

I'm not trying to get you to stop homeschooling, and maybe homeschooling is really the best situation for all involved, but it is important to examine all options while really taking your daughter's future into account.

I think you should start with a diagnostic assessment (mental health) as well as a full scale evaluation of her academically. If you don't solve the problems of why she acts like she does, it won't matter if she goes to public school, private school, military school or homeschool - her problems will still be there.

Good luck!

I can tell you that the first year of homeschooling is the hardest and I will suggest that you find a home-school group for added support. You didn't fail your child and you're not a bad mom.

You say she was two years behind in regular school and had many bad habits, it takes time to correct the bad habits and the bumps in the road will feel like you're failing or feeling discouraged. All home-school families feel that way from time to time.

Talk with your husband and figure out what will work best for your family and don't compare your experience with your sisters. Maybe consider counseling for your daughter to be sure there isn't anything else going on.

Also, we do our lessens when it is convenient (usually in the afternoons or evenings), I also have my daughter help around the house with cleaning, etc. this helps me out and gives her some responsibility. As far as our lessons, I don't go by what is considered grade level, she is head in some subjects and struggles with math, I give her time to learn about things she is interested in not just core subjects. I have always felt that homeschooling is a lifestyle that is different for each family and sometimes it's a challenge to change from what is considered the standard (public school system).

We used to live in Colorado Springs and in Denver, so I'm familiar with the school situation in Colorado.

Have you looked into cyber schools (also called virtual schools or online schools)? They're free public schools conducted online from home. Colorado has an active, vibrant cyber school scene.

The pluses to enrolling in an online school are several. The student is accountable to real teachers, and joins an online student community. The schools have counselors and academic help available. There are scheduled class times, but all classes are recorded so a student can watch the class later if he or she misses the original time, or can watch the class again if there are concepts that need more practice. And there are lots of extra help sites offered by the school, for students struggling in a particular area (offering practice, sample quizzes, additional lessons).

Also, there are real in-person events. My daughter attended Destinations Academy of Colorado, and teachers held meet-and-greet in coffee shops. There were bowling parties, and field trips to museums and pumpkin patches and cultural events. They hold cyber school rallies at the state capitol where students can meet other cyber students, and meet their senators and representatives, and see a senate session in real life.

There are no fees, tuition, or costs except for an occasional minor lab equipment fee (the student will receive materials for a project in the mail, for example, but those fees are very very small).

It makes such a difference for a student to have teachers to answer to who are not his or her parent, when there are struggles. The students become accountable to real teachers, and to other students, and to principals and staff, from the safety of home.

My daughter was significantly behind her grade level, due to her medical problems. We met with the staff in person when she enrolled, and they designed a program just for her. I have a degree in education, but I was so busy managing my daughter's many medications, hospitalizations and appointments that although I COULD have taught her, I didn't have the right amount of time to also create a curriculum and homeschool her. So the cyber school was perfect.

We set up a school area for her. She would check into her classes, do her homework, and her counselor would call her twice a week.

It sounds like you could benefit from something like this.

Here's a link that lists a lot of free public schools in Colorado that are cyber schools.

https://www.google.com/search?q=free+online+public+school...

Seems to me that if she's really 2 grades behind in her school work that she should be evaluated for a learning disability and/or behavioral issue, and her school should have an IEP for her.
If there's a medical reason for her issues at school - then home schooling her isn't going to address those issues and she's not going to be learning how to cope.
Are you planning on home schooling her through high school?

It seems you have an issue with your sister - so leave her and her opinion out of the equation.
You do have a lot on your hands - but you are still mother to your oldest - and you have to find out if she needs medical help so she can do better at school.
If she has ADD, can't focus/pay attention and has trouble controlling her impulses - a doctor can help with techniques on how to deal with it and perhaps meds - which in some cases can make a big difference.

You're not a bad mom - just one who doesn't know where to turn.
This isn't a contest - stop comparing yourself to your sister - in fact take a break from her for awhile.

This age is tough with hormonal changes, social pressures, unmanaged stress, exposure to drugs and sex (through peers), and uncertainty about impending change at home. Fundamental support is essential, and you can provide some but she also needs outside help.

1. Dietary support. Research dating from the 1930s-on points to neurological disturbance from grains, especially gluten. Sugar is also destructive. Remove and replace with veggies, fruits, nuts, along with proteins, and the behavior changes. Always have snacks of the above out on the table for the passing child to grab and go.

2. Turn off the TV and limit screen time. Introduce music. Buy a couple instruments second-hand, small at first like a recorder or keyboard. Ask around for a reasonably-priced teacher, or find some teaching material online.

3. Is daughter fidgety? If so, she needs an outlet. Dancing, singing, or theater class can provide creative support and relief.

4. B and Margie are correct in getting daughter assessed. A good child psychologist is appropriate to begin that journey. And find her a mentor, such as Big Sister or similar agency. Consider a tutor for one or two subjects of study for her.

5. Since daughter has "good weeks", it raises the possibility that her behavior is greatly influenced by external stimuli (friends, food or other substances, screen watching) or internal stimulus (hormones). But even then, hormones can be influenced by all the above external stimuli. So by making the home-based changes, you are taking back control from daughter, and providing an environment that will support and guide her the rest of her life.

My son displayed aberrant behavior at that age, and some friends offered to house him during the week while she tutored him. They lived an hour away, so he was quite isolated from his friends/family during the week. He also saw a psychologist. It changed his trajectory dramatically, and I am forever grateful.

Always remember you love and care for daughter, and want the best for her. Tell her that every day.

Edited: I just saw this today and it made me think of you. Given that this case originated in Colorado, you may be able to use this to light a fire under the butts of your school district:
https://go.learningally.org/supreme-court-expands-special...

Original: Did the testing that you had done include psychological testing as well? Did it point to anything like depression, anxiety, oppositional defiance, or attention issues? Counseling can be great, but if she has a mental health or behavioral health issue that can be diagnosed and treated (perhaps with medication, if needed) then until you address that, you - and she - are swimming against the tide.

Your school district can't threaten you with criminal charges and hope that that will make her go away and no longer be their problem. She has a right to be educated and the state has an obligation to provide that education in the least restrictive setting possible. Was she ever put on an IEP or 504 plan? Those can be put in place for behavioral issues as well as academic issues. If I were you, I would look to see if there is a special education parent resource group in your area who you can talk to about options. If you can afford it, it may be well worth the money to hire a SPED advocate to review your daughter's information and make recommendations. She sounds like she has bigger needs than you can be expected to meet via homeschooling. It would be one thing if you had a background in this or were working with someone who can provide you guidance but where you're basically trying to figure this out while parenting two young children with another on the way, you're not equipped to managed this. Which is fine, btw, very few of us are and those who are are usually professionals in this field!

You are not a bad mom, you are the mom of a child who likely has mental health issues that are affecting her behavior and interfering with her education. Please don't feel like this is on you to solve. It's not - this is what special education is all about. Please find a way to put this back on your school system to help you find the best educational setting for her. If your local public school isn't equipped to handle this, she can be outplaced to an out of district school that would be better equipped to handle behavioral issues and get her back on track with academics.

I'm not sure why putting her back in school is "not an option", but it sounds like you need *more* outside help, not less.

I would suggest you call your local Department of Education and find out about any possible remedial classes she could take, along with possibly getting tested for a learning disability. If you think her bad actions burned a bridge with one certain school or one certain principal, ask about other options.

You are already juggling two young children and you have a new baby on the way. Cutting off yourself and your daughter from outside intervention might not be the best way to handle her needs.

I understand where you're coming from, I do. I have some questions for you though.

Are you making up your own curriculum and ignoring all public school requirements for her age. What I mean to say is are you just doing what you think she needs and not following any protocols or are you working on her grade level things?

When she was in public school, did she receive any IEP or 504 Plan special assistance? If not you might look into that and then put her back in public school BUT with full support and a plan in place to manage her in a very good way.

If she has learning disabilities then she should not be punished for not getting work done. That's like grounding someone that can't do what you're asking them to do even if they try and try and try. She's given up from what it sounds like.

We did K-12 when I homeschooled our girl. I knew "I" did not want to be responsible for making up her school work plan and I didn't want to be the teacher. I wanted her to have her own teachers and to be able to do her work at home where I could keep an eye on her.

She succeeded beyond my wildest ideals. She was almost a straight A student. She made an 89.7 or she would have been straight A's. I hardly had to do anything, we had family lesson time sometimes. Especially when her history class went over Charlemagne. My husband is a descendant so it made it a lot more interesting.

I also have a home school friend that probably saw this question and posted an answer who absolutely makes it up all on her own. If they feel like studying spiders this week because a big one crawled up in their window and started making a web then that's what they do. They have their workbooks and things they work on but if they don't complete a page today they do it later on when they're ready. They go year round and take wonderful vacations where they can pull in a lot of what they've been studying.

I think you have to decide what your child needs, I do, but if she needs counseling and special education needs to be met then you're not doing her any good by keeping those things from her. If she's 2 years behind then she needs to be in school in special education so that she can have a social life but also have a special education support where she can get learning assistance in any way she needs.

You need parenting classes. When a child is reacting this way, it is because of her environment. Good thing you have her in counseling. I would start there to get help for yourself in order to help your children.

There is nothing wrong with going to a class to get tools and support. Parenting is an important job.