Am I Doing the Right Thing with My Kids' Cell Phones?

Updated on October 09, 2009
A.L. asks from North Las Vegas, NV
8 answers

Please give me some thoughts & help before I go out of my mind.

Here is my situation:
In December, for Christmas, my husband and I got my older daughter (he has adopted her) a cell phone. At that time she was about 7 weeks from turning 16 years old. This phone has shared family minutes each month (they were 550 each month), unlimited texting, and camera capabilities. Each month, when our bill arrived we would check to see her usage. She had never gone over the shared minutes and, while I thought the amount of texting was excessive, it was within the "normal" amount for a child her age.

In July, after my husband was deployed with the military to Afghanistan, his 16 year old daughter moved in, and he & I have gained full custody of her. We got her a cell phone within a few weeks of her moving in, as she did not already have one. Her phone also has the shared family minutes (now increased to 700 each month), unlimited texting, and camera capabilities.

My main issue now is this - My own daughter has followed the cell phone rules to a T. She never goes over her allowed minutes, she never uses her phone during school hours, during church & church activities, or after her scheduled bedtime. However, my step-daughter has not followed the rules. She has been caught texting during church, caught texting during school hours, and I have caught her texting HOURS past her bedtime. She is always on the phone - either talking or texting. As of our past bill, she had over 30 THOUSAND text messages for the billing cycle, and had used over 1/2 of the shared family minutes.

I have counseled with both of my girls about not using their phones during school or church, and to also not use them after bedtime. I have also counseled with them to not call anyone from the cell phone when it will cost us minutes, but to use the home phone line instead.

My husband is not using his phone during his deployment. However, I fear that when he returns home in January, that we could easily go over our shared minutes because of his daughter's use of the phone.

I logged on to our cell phone website and checked the usage at the half-way point of our billing cycle. I was shocked to see that we were dangerously close to going over our shared minutes for the month, and was shocked to find that my step-daughter had already had over 20 thousand text messages on her phone in only 16 days! I then further checked and found that she was texting during school hours, as well as hours into the night past bedtime.

I consultanted with my husband about these issues via email, explaining the number of minutes, the times of day the calls were made (during school, church, after bedtime, etc.), and also the amount of texting done and the times of day these messages were occurring. He advised me to put restrictions on the phones to set the times of day they were to be used.

So, I blocked the phones from being used past bedtime, during school hours, during church & church activities times. I did not block the phones on Friday nights, all day & night Saturday, or Sunday morning before church, nor Sunday afternoon after church until bedtime. Further, I allowed calls for our family numbers, and selected family friends. Also, my step-daughter's mother is an allowed calling number.

Well, needless to say, as soon as they discovered the phones were restricted, all hell broke loose! They immediately inundated me with calls & texts asking, "What's wrong with our phones?" Later that day, I explained the new phone rules to them. They were even more outraged. However, to my surprise, my step-daughter was not as angry as I expected her to be - because she understood that it was her own misuse of the phone that had lead to the restrictions.

On the flip side, my own daughter is still upset about this (it has been almost a week). Each day she begs me to take the restrictions off her phone, explaining that she has not done anything to warrant the restrictions. Even though I have explained that she was not using her phone during the newly restricted times, she is still not accepting the restrictions. She keeps saying, "I know that you put them on my phone to try to be fair, but come on. You KNOW the misuse is not me, and you know that I do not use the phone during church or school or after bedtime. You know I never go over my minutes and I don't text all that much, especially now that summer is over and we are back in school. Can you please take these stupid restrictions off my phone?"

I don't want this to appear as a "my step-daughter is horrible and my own daughter is perfect" thing, because that is not the case. I have other issues with my own daughter that I do not have with my step-daughter. For the most part I do not have issues with my step-daughter. Each time she has come to our home (up until now it has only been during the summer, as she was living with her mother until July of this year), she has been pleasant and a joy to be around. This issue is new to us.

What would you do? Would you take the restrictions off your own daughter's phone, because she is correct in her argument that she has not abused or misused the phone privileges? or would you just leave them? or would you edit them for her?

I can say that as each day has passed, my step-daughter is more and more accepting of the restrictions, and has stopped arguing with me over them. So, I know I have done the right thing with her by doing this. I wish I could say the same with my own daughter.

Thank you, in advance, for your thoughts & help.

1 mom found this helpful

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J.R.

answers from San Diego on

I'm curious why she says she's so upset if you've only restricted the agreed upon blackout times anyway. Is it just the principle of the matter? Practically speaking, she shouldn't have even noticed that her phone was restricted in the first place if she wasn't violating any of the rules.

I think I probably wouldn't have restricted my daughter's phone in the first place, but now that it's done, I think you should just stick to it. There's really no good reason to go back on your decision, and I think it sets a bad precedent if your daughter thinks that your well-thought out discipline decisions are negotiable. Especially if reversing them has the potential to negatively affect your relationship with your stepdaughter while you don't have your husband as back-up.

Thank you to your husband and your family for his service and your sacrifice. I can't imagine what it must be like to be a military wife and be home alone with the kids for such long stretches of time.

3 moms found this helpful
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K.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

I don't think your daughter is really upset about the phone i think it is more the principal. being a child of a blended family it can be complicated. my step sister and i are very close in age and did everything together. we are closer than me and my biological sister. my mom was always super fair and equal with us both spending the same amount of money on us at Christmas rules were the same we were even punished together just the same as you are doing now.

while i love and adore my sister this was very hard. I am my mothers daughter, I was there first and i was very jealous of the relationship they had. I was not angry with my sister but i did take it out on my mom. your daughter might be having some of these same feelings right now and this incident brought it to the surface. it sounds like you are doing your best to have a peaceful home while things are in such transition.
I would suggest taking you daughter out just you two and doing something casual like getting ice cream and talk about how much she means to you and the family. i would thank her for her good example and remind her you are all on the same team and all of you need to help each other while Dad is away. she sounds like a very responsible, smart girl and perhaps asking her to help you will relive some of the anxiety she might be feeling and not know how to express.

good luck to you!! You are one brave Mom

1 mom found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from San Diego on

I would leave the phones as they are until your husband comes home from Afghanistan. I would explain to all the children who have cellphones that this is a decision that you and your husband agreed upon as parents. Sometimes the good have to suffer for the bad. This is the case in this situation.

Please thank your husband in the service of our country. I really admire you as a mom for managing the household and family when he is away.

Very best of luck.

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R.J.

answers from San Diego on

<grinning> You're in a sticky situation...but I think you can pull out of it.

The problems I see from your daughter's eyes:

1) Fairness. No other group (outside of toddlers) is so obsessed with the idea of fairness, in my experience, than teenage girls. Life isn't fair, but trying to get that through to MOST teenage girls is like King Canut trying to hold back the tide. Oy.

2) During the blocked times, if the phone is restricted MOST companies block all incoming calls/texts, instead of saving them. Even if her phone was silent/off she'd be able to pick up those messages later. Restricted phones though, bounce the messages back to the sender...so she's understandably being punished in her own mind, because she's missing the opportunity to return those calls/messages.

To pull out, but still stand firm, I would suggest telling your daughters, together, that when you placed the restrictions, you didn't realize that you would be punishing daughter A for daughter B having repeatedly broken the rules...since those were blackout times anyway. AND that you had furthermore tried to be fair in your decision by allowing incoming/outgoing calls to key people in their lives (family) even during those blackout/restricted times. Then say, that having given it consideration, in order to be fair daughter A's phone will be unrestricted, UNLESS she, too, breaks the rules.

I would also suggest putting a time limit on the restriction. Say 1-3 months (some arbitrary time that feels right to you), and then at that time daughter B's phone will come off of restriction. If she can prove her responsibility at that point, the phone will stay on. If not, she can deal with restriction/blackouts until she leaves for college.

You MAY also suggest either allowing one or both daughters to pay for additional minutes out of their own money. Give them each a "cap" . If they go over their alloted share...the one who does has to pay to upgrade the plan. Obviously, they "get" all of the extra minutes that they're buying & paying for.

I also know one mum who (although she has unlimited texting) makes her son pay 10 cents for every text over 310 a month (she figures 10 a day is acceptable to her). The money goes into his college savings. If he can't pay, she blocks the texting on his phone until his "acct" is paid in full. Another friend has HER son pay a quarter for ever text over 500 a month.

Anyhow...just some thoughts.
R

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M.S.

answers from San Diego on

Well, I think only the one who broke the rules should reap the consequences. Natural consequences are what kids need. They also need to see rule following rewarded. Your step-daughter needs to learn to live within the family rules - period. They are two different children and need to be treated as such - especially at this crucial age. Stay strong!

Blessings to you!

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M.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

I say keep them both blocked. There is no reason for your daughter to be upset she isn't usuing the phone during those hours anyways. I think in keeping the peace you have to be fair with both girls. I also would be very vocal to your step-daughter how much you appreciate her cooperation with this issue. Kids need limits no harm in helping them keep them. Remove temptation when ever possible.You are doing the right thing.

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J.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Why punish her for doing the right thing? That would be like being fired for saving the company a lot of money. Doesn't make a lick of sense. If your daughter messes up then she must also pay the consequences. Do make it clear that she is not to allow her step sister to use her phone... or else she will be in just as much trouble.

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M.

answers from Las Vegas on

Aren't you only restricting the phone usage during your agreed upon black out times? If that is the case, then you are not punishing your daughter, you are merely enforcing the rules with her. I don't understand why your daughter is so upset. This is not a means to punish anyone, it is means to prevent the girls from breaking the rules. As far as I can tell, there is nothing wrong with being strict. Your daughter is not being punished so I would leave the restrictions alone and not tempt either one of them to break the rules. You are already very generous. A cell phone is a luxury and a privilege and your girls (both of them) need to be reminded of that!

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