Am I Being Unfair- Question About Employment

Do you want to give up work totally? I can understand why you want to be at home when the kids get home from school , is working part time an option for you? Maybe a job where you can take the kids to school and be home for when they get home and only 2 or 3 days/week.

I had to mention something that a good friend told me years ago that just stuck with me. I met her on a beach at Lake MI several years ago. It was our second summer there and the second summer (out of many more to come) that I saw her. My husband and I had a 3 and 4 year old at the time, and we had made a lot of concessions so that I could stay home with them/quit my job. Anyhow, she (at that time) had 3 teenagers and a 4 year old! And she HAD to work part time. With my kids at such a beautiful, cute, fun age, I felt bad for her that she had to send her 4 year old to daycare ALL day on those 3-4 days she worked (I sent mine for a few hours a week for THEIR experience, otherwise wanted to spend every waking moment possible with them knowing it would go by fast!). I remember I mentioned to her that it was so great how hard she was working for her family, and then asked her if it was hard for her to have her 4 year old in daycare all day. I only knew my own perspective and experience up to that point in our life and thought it must've been the 'hardest' thing. But to my surprise, she responded with something that, in an instant gave, me something so much more to think about. She told me with such a serious face that "no, that's not the hard part. The hard part has been not being home for my older ones as they get home from school (7th, 9th, 11th graders)!!! They get home and often need to talk, even if they don't want advice. I hate not being there when they get home!". It stunned me, but of course made sense after I gave it some thought Raising a 4 year old was clearly the easy part. And suddenly I realized that the more 'challenging' years were coming.

So I gues my advice to you (though it may go against the grain with some), is to quit your job once your mortgage is paid off. I would try hard to explain to your husband that it will be strange for him to imagine, but upper elementary/middle school and HS is when you are really going to want to be available for your kids. Mine are 3rd and 4th (and a 2 year old :) and have SOOO much surrounding them every day at school (academics, teacher relationships, friendships, academics, witnessing dramas, kids that may not be nice, exciting news to tell, anxieties that may be hard to explain) that they often have a lot on their minds. And while the still, at this point, like to talk to me...there are so many different things going on in their little heads that they I often have to actually 'extract' it from them.And btw, I am not knocking moms who work at all!! It takes sacrafice on both sides of the fence (believe me there are many days when I would gladly switch places with my husband to work full time to feel a little more appreciated just as many moms wish they could stay home). But I cannot believe how fast it has gone by for my older two and before I know it they are going to be a young lady and young man!

And there are no do-overs. This is it.

So I say that if it is something you feel strongly about, try hard to educate your husband about how much there is that lies ahead (that he may not be able to imagine yet) that really makes you feel it is necessary to be present/home for your children. And if you can get your mortgae paid off in 3 years, CONGRATULATIONS!!! We are on a similar plan (but have about 4-5 more years to go), and I know how much effort/discipline that takes!That will take such a burden off of expenses! Kudos to you!

And one last thought, my husband would not make it one week at home doing everything I do everyday ;) And you can let your husband know that even when I had two in school at the same time (briefly) before my 2 year old was born...that doing laundry, dishes, filing (the amount of homework, permission slips, paperwork, bills, mail that piles up is CRAZY), grocery shopping, bill paying, cooking, making lunches, doing homework, volunteering at school, driving to sports/being a chauffer/carpooling/field trips, organizing, running errands and the neverending-cleaning is monotonous/mundane/unappreciated work that often makes a "paying" job seem like a vacation....especially because everyone comes home and undoes just about everything you did and you have to start over again the next day ;)

Good luck with your decision B., you've got a few years to convince him :)

Remeber, there are no do-overs. Follow your heart (whatever it ends up telling you)

I lost my job in September (I worked part-time and considered my job a "break") and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Yes, it is stressful for my husband, being the sole bread-winner who could potentially lose his job, but the home life is so much more calmer. There are no more carry-out dinners and pizza, home cooked meals every night, homework done when the kids come home, and a less frazzled mom. Remember, "happy wife, happy life". Everything can get done at home now that I am dedicated there. We are doing well with less. More game nights at home, coupons for everything, and a simpler lifestyle. The kids don't need things, they need you. You will likely find that staying at home is the best decision. It was thrust upon me, and I am loving it.

Consider that most teen pregnancies are conceived during that hour or two between when kids get home and parents get off work. Unsupervised children get into trouble. This is why it's important for parents to be home, even for older kids.

When they're little, we have to protect them from the world. As they grow, we have to protect them from themselves.

You've gotten a lot of heartfelt answers. I wanted to present another perspective.

I work PT for an Outplacement company - assisting people who have been laid-off to prepare to find new work, and I have been very busy the last two years. We all hope "the economy" will be better in 3 years, but your husband is likely very concerned about what would happen if he lost his job (so many people have!).

I also work PT as a private Career/Life Coach. I have seen through my clients that the parent(s) that they admire the most are not the ones that stayed home to be with them, but the ones that were out in the world accomplishing things! I am working PT, building my own business, and finishing up a PhD, and I am showing my 8 year-old daughter what a woman is capable of (she is with her father, my ex, who is retired on disability, 1/2 time).

I hear that your work is leaving you drained, and that work schedule and kids' schedule juggling is challenging. Are there some smaller changes you could make that would lighten the load? You mention 3 jobs - are all 3 really necessary? Could your work schedule be adjusted? Is there related work in your field that would give you more control over hours?

Putting the "kids first" doesn't necessarily equal not working outside the home. I have seen other moms change careers so that they could be home more often when their kids were teen-agers. I've worked with people to start their own businesses or revamp their work lives in many ways.

And lastly, I second the notion that this decision needs to be jointly agreed upon between you and your husband. This is not a change you can act on without full support, otherwise the two of you will have ongoing issues in your marriage. The great thing is that you have three years to talk and plan!

If this man has this type of mindset, he is SPOILED and used to you trying to "do it all". I agree with another poster that maybe he needs total responsibility for parenting for awhile with no outside help to get a reality check. Staying home with your children is not "getting out of work". It is choosing to do a GOOD job focusing on what is important to you instead of doing a slipshod job on your job and not doing the best as a parent either.

I am a stay at home Mom who homeschools 11 and five year old daughters because I realize that NOBODY cares about my children the way I do and nobody can educate them the way I would like them educated either. I worked as a public school teacher for 13 years before I stayed home with them. When my oldest was 15 months old, I tried to return to work .6 time and everything turned to chaos! My childcare arrangements fell through, the house work was mostly undone, and worst of all, my daughter did not continue to make the gains we had worked so hard for in 10 months of occupational therapy. She actually regressed in the 9 months I was working! My husband ended up having to ask for different "flex" hours which severly hit his bargaining power and he had to make serious wage/benefit concessions because of it and having to shoulder some of the childcare for I CHILD! We were all miserable! Finally , we sat down and I leveled with him. If we both had to work full time, we were probably going to end up divorced. I was certainly not willing to have another child. If he wanted to stay at home and have me work full time and depend on my teaching salary and benefits, I would be willing to do that but that would mean that I would insist that we move back to the Midwest where teaching was still a family wage job. He hated the Midwest because of weather, limited career options for him and blatant racism. If I stayed at home full time, he would be free to negotiate a better job and not need that flex time and consider the needs of our kids so much. Bottom line: One person had to focus on career and do the best possible for the economic future of the family and one person had to make the "family work" number 1 to keep the ship afloat.

You are right to worry. The reality is that as long as your kids are in somebody else's care, you have almost zero control over their day. You also don't have the time to really get that relationship with your kids that you want. You also need to talk seriously with your husband about why you both wanted kids, why you had kids and a FAIR distribution of work that BOTH of you can live with. I think that WAY too many women get suckered into "doing it all" and not doing right by anyone, including themselves. We need to be real about the need to make choices.

You can also cut your costs substantially by not having to pay for daycare, meals out, fancy vacations , and all the extras that become needs in a dual income home. I would also tally up the value of all the housework that you do, the work you do as a parent, etc. and show him the cash value of THAT. If he still doesn't think that your concerns are important, then let him do ALL the daycare arrangements and the work that comes with BOTH of you working. You also need to have a conversation on priorities and what you want for your sons. If you don't have the same ideas on parenting and the kids aren't as much of a priority for him as they are for you, you may have some real marriage issues that need to be worked out. Either way, you can't just continue "business as usual" and be miserable.

H.

I think its wonderful that you want to stay home and care for your children. It is our responsibility as parents, after all.

Get out of doing work??? Being a full time Mom is more work than going to work. We just don't get paid in money. But when our children do well or better because we are home, that is how and when we get compensation. I have always wanted to be a stay-home mom, but have never been able to. Now, my girls are 30, 28, 23 and 21, their father is deceased and I have re-married after 8 years and I may be able to stay home in a couple of years and take care of my grandchildren.

It is not selfish to fear the troubles in this world. We have pushed God so far out of our children's 7 or 8 hour school day, that now we see the outcome and we all have to suffer the consequences.

I think your husband needs to stop and think about how wonderful and proud he will feel when one of your children is a professor at a college or head of a business and has not taken on the role of the children you work with. Then, he will be grateful for all your hard work to keep them safe, dignified and respectable. I'm sure he will understand that his role in all this was a great one too. Making sure that your family has all the love, security they need is an honorable responsibility.

God Bless you and your family and may all your dreams for your children's wellbeing come true.

Greetings B.: As I thougth about your question I clearly saw your concerns for your children and your need to be with them. I really appreciate this as I am the mother of 5. 4 birth and 1 foster child that just never left us. We had 23 other children in our home over the years and I am grateful for each. I also have many family members in law enforcement , one being a mother of 4. I can tell you that not many people are wise enough to have paid off a home in this day so Congratulations! Now to address your concern. I will bet that you could find someone that you could job share with, or work something out with your employer. I was blessed to be a working mother and also able to be apart of everything our children did be itsports, room mother,field trips,or camp outs. I found that as my children got older and in High School they needed me almost more than when young. Your husband may be feeling the fears of so many with out jobs and has become comfortable with your income to do the fancy things you will give up as a family. Your children are your greatest treasure and worth the sacrifice that you want to make. If this is the time and season of your life to take time and savor the little ones then help your husband to get used to the idea. Your children are all of our future and that means they deserve the very best you have to offer which is you. I know that my husband would say" we didn't have children becasue it was convient or easy but becasue we wanted them and the joy of the responsibility". Good Luck, and remember that if you wanted the easy way-- you'd be begging to stay at the office becasue being a mom is not a job for cowards. Glenda

I paid off our car early and my husband and I decided I would quit working. I was working full time and going to college full time. I thought about the money we would be missing out on, but then I realized that what we would use it for was just "stuff" and time with family is more important. Once I quit I was able to focus on school and I was able to finally conceive our third little girl. It has been worth it. I can spend more time with the kids. When I graduate, I will be a teacher and have the same hours as my daughters. My husband is so glad we made the choice for me to stay home.

Let me make some suggestions, as a stay at home mom who used to bring home 40% of our total income. My Husband and I had talked and agreed that we wanted me to be a stay at home mom at least till the kids were in school full time, and then have a job where I would be home before they were, too, until at least high school.

When we were both working, we lived in the city, and both drove separate cars to the same workplace, had higher taxes, and a bigger mortgage on a littler house. Before we had kids, we moved out to a tiny town, about 35 miles from work, got a bigger house for less money, less taxes, and less crime in town/less trouble in the school. We made sure to pay off our student loans before we tried to get pregnant, and we planned our mortgage to be paid off beofre our oldest child is out of High School. We also made sure we were free of Credit card debt. All we had was one car loan, and one mortgage debt-wise.

So we had a bit of a plan, but as usual, life threw us a curve ball. When we did get pregnant with our daghter we were elated, but at 28 weeks, I got pregnancy induced hypertension and was put on bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy. That was 10 + more weeks of my income we were counting on having, at least $5000, plus we ended up with many more Dr. and Hospital bills because of my condition, requiring more Dr. visits, more Ultrasounds and NSTs and then she stopped responding as they wanted and we had a C-Section, to get her out safely! What wa going to be a manageable bill ( we do have insurance) became more than the income I missed out on. We paid the hospital bills with cash/checks, but then groceries and gas and eating out were all going on the credit card. We ended up digging oursleves out of $8,000 of credit card debt after she was born.

When she was 9 months old, and was weaned from nursing, I was fortunate to find a part time job at the local library, 5 hours, two nights a week, and every other Saturday. It was great, got me a break from the baby and a little money of my own ( It was a SHOCK going from $22 an hour to $0) - forced daddy to spend one on one time with the baby and get a taste of what I dealt with every day. I didn't start work till he was home, so no daycare expense, and no nerves of leaving her with "someone". I hae orked there almost 3 years now, with a 6 month break for the birth and maternity leave for my son.

The moral of the story is, you CAN make it work....if you really want it. Sit down with all your financials, figure out a budget to show your husband - take out the gas you use to get to and from work, take out meals out/convienence foods, take out daycare costs, and your mortgage. If you can find something part time or a different shift, like I do 5-9 pm, or weekends, when HE can be the main caregiver, add it in by all means!

Men need to really see the numbers to know it can work. We haven't given up our standard of living, though we don't eat out alot, or shop as much, and we do still go on about 4 family trips a year - now, they aren't to Disney, they are to family and friends who live away from us, and we go to attractions and interesting historical sites/parks/museums along the drive. We are planning to save up for Disney once the kids are old enough to care/remember. We are still improving our home and property, and we have life insurance, health insureance, and retirement account we are managing to still fund, as well.

Show him the money/concreete facts, and he may be willing to give it a try.

Good Luck, you will never regret being with your kids as much as you can!

Jessie

P.S. - I wouldn't wait the 3 years till the house is paid off, I would try to figure out a way to do this now, while the kids are small enough to REALLY benefit from you being there, before they are both in school most of the day.

I hope everything works out for you. When I read your story, it reminded me how very lucky I am. I have 5 children and with each and every one, when they were born, my husband suggested I stop working while they were infants so I could stay home with them. He always left it up to me. When we first got married, I was making 3 times as much money as him and we had to make a MAJOR lifestyle change for me to not work. He took on all the burden so I could have that time with my baby and has ever since. My newest child is 3 months old and I quit working when we started trying to get pregnant because my job was high stress and he was worried about my health as well as the pregnancy to come. I was making the same amount of money as him (several thousand a month) and once again, he agreed to take on the load financially. We have, for the last 5 years, only lived on his income as our primary source an any money I make is considered extra or "play" money. That way, we don't have to depend on 2 incomes to live. I also have a home sewing business so that money is strictly extra play cash too. He won't even allow me to put it in our joint account. He has me just keep it to use for the kids or whatever. I know it's going to be hard but I think you should not let him make the final decision. I think if you could start out by cutting your hours and gradually get him used to the idea it won't be such a shocker. Your kids are only small for a little while and then you can have all the vacations and trips you want together. My husband and I have been married 11 years and have never taken a real vacation. We have done a few short weekends to Kansas city here and there but never a long trip. We know the time will come and in the meantime, we enjoy our babies while we can.
All the best to you and your family.

B. - I don't think you are being selfish to think about your kids. You do see the worst though since you are working in the criminal justice dept. You are not going to see all the young men who are making something of themselves, with good jobs, respect, and educated. That's probably a rarity in your job.
That being said, I completely understand how your husband is feeling as well. Men often feel like they need to be the "provider" and even though he makes more money, it's been nice to have you bring home a little bit as well. We are in the same situation, that my husband brings home the bulk, but I bring home some as well. If I stopped working my job, we would really struggle!
Sit down with your husband and have a "game plan'. How you are going to take the money that he makes and where it is going to go. I would even write it down, men (in my experience) like to "see" where it's all going. make a list of the bills and household expenses and show him how the money would be divided. Show him how you are going to save money. Talk about the fact that he will no longer need to pay the mortgage and how that money will be put into savings or wherever else you deem a good choice. Let him "see" that it is totally feesable for you to stop working.
If, after you do all that, you notice that it may be more difficult for your family if you were not working, then you may need to find a job that you can work while the children are in school...or even talk with the job that you currently have and see if you can leave an hour and a half earlier than you are right now. You may be surprised that they are willing to do that for you, especially since you mentioned that you have been with the same job for 14 years.
Good Luck to you and your family,
L.

to get him to understand.....tell him your going to take a break...do minor "chores" all week, come fri tell him your gone and will be back sun evening....however, prior to this tell all family members not to watch your kids if he calls.....give him the responsibility of "motherhood"....he won't last and will appreciate you more for what you do...when you return he will be so overwelmed he will see things your way...

don't feel your being selfish...if anyone its him...after all you did not create them by yourself!

Many people have already added great replies for you, but I wanted to add mine because before having my son I was in a similar situation to you. Both of us worked full time, brought home decent money and never really considered the idea of someone staying home. I was a teacher at the time, but it wasn't in a traditional school system so even later on I would not have the same days off.

I chose to stay home when my son was born. It was a decision we made about halfway through my pregnancy and we had some time to save up extra cushion money. It cut our income roughly in half and at first it was very hard because we were so used to not thinking twice before buying something. Now, a year later we're used to it and its no big deal for us. We budget every cent so that we have money to continue to put in the savings, we're about to buy our first home etc. Long story short- you guys absolutely can do it. Since you know that this is what you want to do, start your budgeting and saving now so that there isn't tons of pressure when you do cut down your hours (you said you wanted to stop working full time, right? So I'm assuming you'll just move to part time.).

My husband was worried in the beginning too, now he wouldn't have it any other way.. unless of course I decided to go back to work then he would support that decision. Bring up the fact that if you don't work at all, day care will not be an issue. If you eat out a lot now due to time constraints you won't be doing that as much. Make a list of everything that is done now and point out that that will be done by you (yes, he will help but it own't fall on him as often because you're there) so he realizes that you're doing laundry, dishes, cleaning, child care, cooking. Very little of it is "well, guess I'll sit on my rump now.." time. You will lose income, but you will gain the time to make what income you have work and just like you feel the sense of accomplishment over what you have done in the past, you'll feel the sense of accomplishment that you can make it work with less. The time with your children is absolutely golden too.

If you were planning on dropping your income completely, cut down to part time first if you can and slowly work towards your goal of staying home completely. He may feel better about it if its something you all ease into.

Focusing on your kids the most unselfish thing you can do! Raising good human beings should be your primary concern as should it be your husband's too. So what if you can't take a grand vacation or "live a certain way". What the kids will look back on is that mom and dad were there and spent quality time with them. Made memories with them! Start now planning and budgeting for when you are a sahm. Start trying to live that way now so it's not such a shock to him when the 3 years are up.

I can totally understand where you are coming from. Your kids are incredibly important and even though this is not a paid job, staying at home is a lot of work. It was the right choice for us and so I agree with you that it is important.
That being said, I think your husband needs to feel "heard." He has concerns - nothing wrong with that. You have concerns about your kids - nothing wrong with that either.
If you can, I would get outside help so that you both can voice your concerns and work together to come up with a mutually agreeable decision. I think if you and he can work this out cooperatively you will both feel good about it. I agree with Dori that doing your planning and showing him how it can work would be beneficial.

I stayed home with our children and it is a sacrifice. We have a nice house, nice cars and go on nice vacations. We do not have a huge house but do not need one, we are in a safe neighborhood with good schools. We do not drive expensive cars but they are dependable, and get us where we need to go, I do not need a built in GPS or back up camera, I have a map and can turn around. Vacations are more about family time than location, we use credit card miles, AAA discounts and hotel multi-stay rewards to help keep the cost of trips down. Our last trip was skiing in New Mexico and while we kept costs down we did everything we wanted to. You can make it on one salary you just have to do some creative spending. Cut coupons and eat what is on sale at the grocery store. If steak is on sale this week eat steak if it is not on sale eat the chicken that is on sale. Good luck, as your children get older they need more guidance. Teenagers who are left alone have much worse ideas than little ones can think of. There will be days when you are sure they made better choices at 5 than they do at 15.

I don't think there's always a right or wrong answer to the stay at home or work question. There are pro's and con's to both. One mother actually said women are designed to be stay at home? or something like that. I don't think that's true for every woman. It's a personal decision. I would recommend reading the book "The Feminine Mistake" though. It discusses the huge risk women are taking by removing themselves from the workforce. The author's points are something to at least be aware of. Another thing to consider is hiring some help so things aren't a disaster. If your income exceeds a nanny's, it may be worthwhile to compromise by spending on help so things aren't so crazy but don't give up your job. I work full-time but my house is in perfect order, dinners are prepared etc and I have plenty of hours to devote to my children bc I'm not doing many household chores. So as people have suggested, maybe just look at finding some kind of compromise.

Time flies so fast, when kids are young and before you know it they are all grown up and out of the house.

Your concerns and feelings are valid. His feelings are valid too.
As a Man... his worries are normal... they worry about sustaining a certain income.. .and in this economy, many people worry about that, out of pure survival.

Living on 1 paycheck takes adjustment. Just make sure, that if you do stop working, he does not resent you... because if he does, it will create other marriage problems. Some men, think their stay-at-home wives/Moms... are not significant. Even though it is for the kids.

It will take time... to come to an equitable decision, with no conflicting feelings upon each other.

But granted, time with children as they are growing up, is important.. .and children benefit by having Mom home. If possible.

Right now, your kids don't know any different... all they know is your/Hubby's schedule and their day to day lives/schedules. And it being very busy. Even if you stay home... it will be busy. The life of a SAHM is hectic... but in 3 years, your kids will be in school... and they will be older. So your day, will comprise of doing household things, home management, child management and dropping them off at school and picking them up at the end of their school day. While they are at school... what will you do??? Perhaps, that is a time when you can have a part-time job? But a part-time job does not incur much income besides pocket change for yourself or the kids.

Or, perhaps, you can find a part time job AT your children's school? That is what some Moms try to do. That way they have a little income and they have the same schedule/vacations as their children. IF both your kids are attending the same school.

Things like this take time to decide, for both spouses. Both have valid reasons for the hesitation about it.

When your kids are in school, and if you are not home with them... then when they have school vacations and breaks & summer time... what do you do with them? Working parents have to then pay for a program or intercession program to put the kids into. So that is another cost.

Try presenting the "Costs" of your kids to your Husband.... if you do not stay home with them... for afterschool care and what you would have to pay for, when the kids are off school and you are both working. Versus, if you are home with them, you would not have to pay for those programs.

You also, if you are able to, you AND Hubby, start saving some extra money now... for when you do stop working. Thereby, utilizing these next 3 years, to accrue more money into savings. Providing a cushion and emergency money etc., and just for you to use for being a SAHM.
Then maybe you won't have to "ask" him for money, all the time.

just some quick thoughts.

All the best,
Susan

I had no choice in the matter I became pregnant with his child I was to quit work take care of myself & our soon to be son now 7 yrs later 3 kids i'm still a stay @ home mama :)I have asked to go back to work when things got tough & when I really wanted to bring in my own income but he wasn't havin it no wife of his is going to work outside the home it is now the MAN's job to provide for his family.
Your not being selfish wanting to spend time with your kids is a GREAT idea.You work outside the home then come home to work somemore you'll save lot's of $$$$ on childcare there was no way that I would do that go to work just to turn around & pay someone to watch my kids ooops there goes the $$ I just worked so hard to get.Take some time off work you deserve it

I read some of the responses, and did not see this thought. Make up some budgets; one with your income and one without it. Be sure and includes all the expense of you working such as gas, clothing, etc. After these are made show them to your DH, and allow him to process it. Maybe if he can physically see the differences he will be less fearful of you staying home. Going to one income MUST be a mutual decision. Neither one of you are being selfish, you just have different ideas of how to care for your children. God made us that way. Ask and LISTEN to his fears, then do your homework and present ways to alleviate them. Praying that you can work out a plan that benefits all.

I quit working to stay home with the kids. IT WAS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE! It was tough financially but you will be amazed to find that the money is there. I applaud you for making the decision. My husband was very reluctant but now he sees the benefits with the kids and does not want me to go back to work. As another post said, time flies and you (and your husband) will regret not taking this time while they are at home. Good luck!

If it’s the money your husband is worried about, you can always pick up a part-time job or even try to do some work from home. I am currently working full-time, but just started with another company part-time to bring in extra money. Right now, it’s helping us save money on some of our expenses and bring in extra income...and some day I will probably be able to work from home exclusively. That is what this company does. It helps moms work from home to have more time with their families. Let me know if you want more information. This is something you could try now while you’re still working and it may make the decision for you to stay home a little easier.

It is absolutely not selfish for you to put the welfare of your children first. They are the ones who need your attention and love especially during this critical time. Order and routine are what children crave and thrive on, despite them saying otherwise. If it's one thing I've learned, you cannot, no matter how hard you try or wish, you cannot change another person. If your husband is not in agreement with you, you must follow your intuition as a mother and do what's best. When he sees the positive outcome, he'll come around. Seek out others in your support system to help you during this journey and know that you are doing the right thing.

No I don't think you are the one that is selfish, it's your husband. I think he sees everything as being about him. So your concerns for the children which are valid, come second to his trip around the world. Look for a part time job, maybe where you are now will give you the chance to work for them on a part time basis, and you can do what is good for the kids, and let MR. SELFISH have his trips too, I wish you peace in your atempt.

You can figure out and write down a future budget to show him. Use the money he makes and budget it so he can still do vacations and the stuff he is concerned about. Men do better when they see facts.

Then tell him how much you trust him to take care of all of you and what a strong wonderful man you think he is.Let him know how you can't wait to take care of him and that you'll even have more energy for sex.

Tell him you will be quitting work at X date. And then do it. You can also start saving money now so you have a cushion. If you have debt, get it paid off during the next 3 years.

It took my husband a while to adjust to me being home, but now he loves it.
Yes, children need parents home. They need it even more so when they are teenagers. God bless.

Allen is opening a new school in the Fall. You might try applying there. You would have all the same holidays as the kids (and there are many).

Good luck!

My husband had the same mindset when we were pregnant with our daughter - he could just not fathom keeping the lifestyle we are used to (we go on about 2-3 Disney cruises a year...) with only one income. It wasn't till after I was laid off and then had the baby that he realized that, amazingly, nothing really changed... We were even able to buy our first home on his serving income alone and we can still vacation a lot, too. It's not for everyone, and he does still suggest from time to time that i find a work from home job, but it's not a necessity :o)

I've known many moms in my area that get a job at their children's school. They usually are teacher's aids, assistants, office help, etc. And although these jobs do not pay a great deal, this allows them to make a little money AND, most importantly, puts them on the same schedule as their children. When the kids are off for Christmas break, Spring break, Summer break, etc...So are the moms!

And in regard to your husband...Men often don't see the big picture and do not think things through quite as thoroughly as women do. Do what is best for your kids and you can look forward to the day when your husband will tell you that "you were right"! : ) Good luck!

I think it is important to consider the economic reality of the times. I too wanted to quit my job, but my husband lost his and it is lucky I kept my job.
That being said, you say you've worked at your job for 14 years- my guess is that you have seniority are a valued employee. Talk to your employer and ask about changing your hours. I work 3 12's and am home the rest of the time.

The other thing I suggest is you and your husband sitting down and talking. Listen to his concerns. If he feels better with you keeping a job, then ask him to help out more at home. With my working, my husband helps out a lot in the house. He is also a very involved parent which means he and my son have a very close and special relationship.

Your concerns are completely valid! You are not being selfish. Your children are the greatest investment you will make in your entire life. The time you spend supervising, interacting, helping, and enjoying them will pay off far greater dividends than any financial ones you would make otherwise. You may also find that you save money because you won't have to pay for daycare, you will save money on meals (eating better at home than on the run after work), to mention some. Your children will feel more settled having mom home, and your husband may recognize that the peace that comes into your heart and your children's from having you there was worth any sacrifice he or you make to have you be home.
Best wishes,
L.
P.S. I have a good friend from Michigan who stayed at home with their 3 children even while her husband was finishing their PhD. It was really a sacrifice, since they had such a limited income (poverty level), but I know she would say that it was totally worth it because of the kind of care she could give her family while being home. They were really blessed while they pulled together to make it work. Now he has graduated, gotten work and things are fine.

I saw it too late but I had been in similar situation a year and 1/2 ago. My husband was reluctant for me to quit though we both are software engineers but if I quit, we had half the income, and cut down on eating out and extras ..and also he was stressed out about economy and "the whole financial burden on his shoulders" .. I was resentful that I have to work and my kids are not well taken care of .. finally (may be I should thank my nanny for being so irresponsible) I had to go on few weeks time off and then quit all together. It was hard in the beginning, to get in our lives and redefine roles .. me being at home equalled lots of free time and rest in my husband's mind, so even though I was taking care of 3 boys, he expected me to do everything and dinner ready at the table and house cleaned, and everyone happy and smiling when he came back from work -- like a TV show so we had lots of fights also ..but finally now it is good (smooth). He saw the kids doing great at school and in activities... he does not have to worry about kids' getting sick and Dr. visits (and who will take time off this time) and all the perks of me being at home. We go on lot more mini vacations and vacations than before (not struggling with how much time-off as before we used many vacation days as sick days) but I am thrift and watch for prices and go for inexpensive vacations. Kids want the time with their parents and really don't care that much if they stayed at cheaper hotel vs. Hyatt -- so explain to him and ask him to try it out for two years and see how it goes. I think it is very important for someone to watch the kids --parents/grandparents .. when they are in 2nd to 8th grade so they are on the right track and have the right company and learn good habits and morals. With babies, as long as they are fed, and changed and loved -- they are fine so if they are even at daycare, that is fine but with older kids -- they need supervision and guidance of the parents. Good Luck.

Coming into this late, but I agree a part time job might be a compromise BUT that working full time you are undoubtedly spending a bunch of money of child care, travel, convenience meals, etc and figuring out those costs is a really good idea so you know how much you actually spend on "working". And if hubby really thinks that taking care of home and family isn't work he is out of his mind and needs a wakeup call. Most working moms are going going going to catch up with all the stuff that needs doing that sometimes never gets done. Your household will be more peaceful and you will have real time with your children and NOTHING can substitute for that.
Finally, you need to let go of some of your paranoia about what happens to kids who's parents are working, because whatever decision you make shouldn't be fear-based. Most young people don't get into trouble just because Mom works, (but I understand that your job reinforces that notion) however, I agree that time spent after school can be invaluable. I cut my hours at work so that I could pick up my son at 4 instead of 6 or 6:30 and I felt so much better and so did he. And dinner time was a nice family time instead of crazy time. You can't buy that!

Hi B.
No absolutely not, in a few short years your children will be gone away from home to college, university or working, maybe in a foreign country even. The best way to ensure that they have stable home lives is to be there for them in these most important years, you'll be astounded at how quickly the time passes between now and when theyre gone...one other thing, most people find that no matter how much money they earn it always goes on lifestyle, the more money the higher the lifestyle and most of it doesnt really matter, imagine if you or your husband lost a job right now, I'm sure you would adapt your lifestyle accordingly ... its the same thing. People all over are realizing this now as more and more people become unemployed, I'm one of them. One thing sure you cant roll back the years that you now have with your young children. Best of luck with your decision.

A great option may be to work from home part time. I work from home and my husband is in school full time so our budget is really tight but we make it work. We have never had to pay for daycare for our daughter. I love being able to work from home. i know that i can always be there for my daughter and bring in a good income.

Also caught this late... read a few comments but not all.
I agree with Lisa below, both of your concerns are valid. In general, and esp. in these days where things (financially) can just flip over and throw you overboard at any time, it's good that your husband is concerned about keeping the finances stable... that's more than I can say for my ex(-boyfriend, wasn't married)...he could've cared less and it's one of many reasons he had to go. It is definitely good that your hubbie wants to be financially stable. But, I also think it is GREAT that you are also so concerned about your kids and want to keep a better eye on them, too many parents AREN'T as concerned as you seem to be.

My opinion is, if you work out your expenses will be when your mortgage is paid off, compared to your husband's income (though that could change by that time, reasonably), and see that you could get along fine without your income, then you should try to convince him of that fact. Also try to drive home how much more involved you wish to be in your kids' lives (which I think is great), plus the fact that you would have more time to get things done at home, and thus making it a better home. You said "it is a total disaster"; I dunno if you mean the house physically, or just homelife in general. If it's physical, you could spend your extra time being Mrs Handyman and get things fixed up and better organized, for yourself and your family, again which would helps towards making homelife simpler, and making more time for your family. Also, you would have more time to come up with healthy and satisfying dinner meals for the family, instead of always stopping for fast food (I am assuming from how busy you seem to be that that MAY be the case) or pulling something simple, but not nutritious, together at the last minute. Your family would eat healthier and in turn be happier and possibly more bonded as well. I think your husband would enjoy the whole "coming home to a hot meal" cliche housewife part. lol. ;)

Also, after you've gotten things fixed and organized around the house and all, if he still bugs you about you working, you could pick up a small part time job during the hours the kids are at school or with other flexible hours, if you're so lucky to find that. It might not bring in very much money, but every little bit counts and it could go toward saving up for the vacations and "finer things" your husband likes so much. Good luck!! :)

My daughter is 20mths old and I am going through the same dilemma right now. We are so conditioned to think we must work full time to make money but what else do we sacrifice and is it worth it ? what do you want out of life and is that possible based on your financial means ? (that's the deciding factor for most of us lucky enough to have a choose to work or not to work). Time spent at work is time lost watching them change and grow, helping them feel safe and secure in the word, time that we will never get back. Words said in anger because we are constantly stressed and short on time.
Other moms have suggested
*asking your employeer for short working hours so you can finish earlier each afternoon
*working fewer days but longer hours and get an afternoon nanny for a couple of hours.
*creating a budget to show how you will manage financially
* creating a daily planner to show which extra tasks you will now do if your not working full time. Your husband may like the idea that he will no longer be doing grocery shopping or cooking dinner. We know the truth - being at home with 2 kids can be harder work than going to a job and some days you feel you don't achieve anything.
* add a block of time for yourself into the schedule and time for your husband to himself too. Me time can be sanity time and as important as money.
* set a boundary with your husband - we will TRY it for X period of time and if it doesn't work financially then you will look for a part time job or a FT job.
* write down any issues that you observe in your kids now and compare that list to a new list in 12mths time. e.g bed wetting, tantrums, that could be behavioural problems due to the families stressful life
* remind your husband that exhaustion and stress is a big factor influencing your sex drive, or lack of. Maybe everyone will benefit not just the kids ?
* could you mind someone else's child 1/2/3 days a week for cash as a side income so you do not have to use any day care ?
Good luck making your decision. I hope your choice is not something you regret in 10yrs from now

I think it is great that you want to be there more for your kids. I did have a question though. You mention your work hours and your job, but say that between the 2 of you there are 3 jobs. Does this mean your husband is working 2 jobs? If so maybe the reason he seems resentful is because he would like to cut back at least one of his jobs to see his kids more.

Would like to know his side of the issue. Most men get up, hunt, and bring the bear back to the cave. It's their DNA. Unfortunately, women gestate, give birth and raise the children. It's also our perogative to dictate who and what gets things done. Including a nanny.
If you must keep your job, then do you have a neighborhood high-schooler to watch the kids? An extra bedroom to allow a live-in college kid? Any in-laws/relatives who will step up to the plate? There may also be some assistant teachers at school who will watch the children before and after school hours. They are unerpaid and usually willing to go the extra mile for a few extra appreciative bucks.
Keep your options and Communication wide open!

I have to thank your husband for giving me a whole new appreciation for mine. My husband never wanted me to work and I have taken that for granted and have never felt pressured to work outside the home. My advice to you is do what is best for you and your children. Your husband is being selfish and doesn't sound like he is interested in what is in your best interests or your childrens. God bless and good luck. M.

I'm coming late to this, so I hope you get it. I skimmed through the answers, and it didn't feel as if anyone spoke up for your husband. No, you're not selfish to want to stay home, but he is not selfish for being worried about being the only one working. I think he probably has very legitimate concerns and worries, and I wonder if he feels as if he is not being heard.
Also, you keep talking about "my" kids. If he is their stepfather, I can see why he might resent supporting you and them. If he is their biological father, I'm wondering if he feels pushed aside.
Our son and DIL have just had their first child, and are making the decision to have her stay home with the baby. I can see the stress that this puts on our son as the only breadwinner. So please try to really hear what your husband's concerns are so the two of you can make a decision that is good for both of you and for your family.
Good luck.

Great question, great responses. I enjoyed reading them, even cried a bit as they were touching, and really "hit the nail on the head" for a lot of what I am going through. It is hard to know what to do, but don't feel selfish. Being there for one's kids is so important.