All of My Tween Son's Close Friends Keep Moving Away. How to Help?

These are the years when friendships tend to be in flux anyway. Elementary schools combine at middle schools and later high schools, kids are coming & going, and so on. I'm not sure this age is any trickier than other ages - each age has its challenges and stresses, but also its joys and opportunities. So I'm not sure I'd put undue pressure on him or presume this to be much harder than, say, the first year of all-day school or the later teen years when kids are contemplating heading in totally different directions from their classmates.

There's nothing you can do about the moving, so all you can change is his ability to handle it. This is the age when we build more resilience in our kids - we stay out of personal relationships, we hang back and let the kids deal with their teachers and coaches, and so on. They will be on their own in 5-6 short years and they must have the skills to cope with life's disappointments.

There's a term circulating among educators - it's a step beyond "helicopter parenting" and it's called "lawnmower parenting." Helicopter parents hover and swoop in when there's a problem. Lawnmower parents get out in front and mow down any obstacles so the child never even sees them. A helicopter parent grabs and comforts a child for every little bump and bruise, while a lawnmower parent walks in front to prevent any bumps and bruises to begin with. I'm not suggesting that you're doing this, but I am suggesting that he may be surrounded by kids whose parent are doing at least some version of it. As a result, he's not seeing peers cope with difficulties, and that may make him feel less capable of doing it himself. What he needs most is someone to convince him that he is able and strong, and that he will get through this. He made friends, he'll make more, and he needs to be open to different kids as he matures and his interests change/develop/evolve.

Sports are fine for some kids, but not all. Maybe he has other interests he's not even explored yet. Maybe drama or the debate club, maybe a community theater group or a social action club. If there isn't one, maybe he could start one. What a leadership experience! Other kids flock to leaders because they are fun and interesting to be around. I think, if you convey more confidence and less worry, he'll do better. It's great that he talks to you about it, so keep those conversations going. Just be alert to his normal and natural need to start to break away a bit and handle things on his own. Let him go when it's time to do so, as hard as it is to not be his mommy all the time preventing problems. It's a hard transition for many of us. But worrying too much can make it worse for the kid - they pick up on our emotions and it gives them something else to deal with. Please work to avoid that.

That's hard.

I think I'd keep helping find ways for him to hang out with his oldest best friend (the one that goes to another school) because my best friend growing up didn't go to my school and we remained very close till we grew up and moved away from each other. It was ok. We just talked yesterday as a matter of fact. Sometimes those outside-of-school friendships are very valuable.

As for kids bonding over soccer - your son might pick up another sport even if he's not super athletic or into soccer. My nephews/nieces all picked up a rec sport in middle school/highschool that was totally new for them just for fun - and made pals. Friendships shift a lot at this age. Even for kids who don't move. My boys at this age and slightly older have made new friendships at this stage.

When I talk to other moms, their kids this age's friendships are shifting too. They do depending on who they have in their classes, who is on their sports' teams, etc. We have a big school here, and lots of sports teams (so even if ours were in soccer, they might not be on same team) so kids are used to mingling and not always being with set kids. Maybe look at it as a good opportunity for him to expand his circle a bit - he still has that very close friend, and that's a good thing - to have one of those :) He'll form new ones too. He can keep in touch with his old ones even after they move. Just another connection.

Sorry to hear that. Luckily with today's social media outlets he can still stay connected with these friends. If they are driving distance maybe a weekend over nighter. If out of state the internet will have to surfice. He will make new friends just give him time. Things change constantly in school and as kids mature I find they branch out a bit more and it's easier to make new friends then. Just empathize with him and encourage him to stay connected to his old friends! Good luck!

At that age it can be hard if they are really close. But at lease he is social. At lease his one good friend is still local even if they are at different schools. See if he has any friends that are still there at the school that are interested in the same things and see if they can hang out. I understand what you mean. My son had a few friends and about that age some did move away. And he was not the typical jock either. My son now homeschools and has very few friends but he is in the gym 3 days a week and that is where his friends are. Even if there are not other kids with similar interests in school find an after school activity that he will have friends that like the same things.

You know that the friends situation tends to shake up a bit during the transition to middle and high school, right?
Many who were best friends in elementary aren't that close in later grades.
So although some kids are moving - it's possible they wouldn't have been that close later on anyway even if no one moved.

I think all you should do is listen to your son when he needs you to.
There are sports that aren't team sports (taekwondo is our sons favorite) and many clubs and activities inside and out of school.
Our son played clarinet and loved being in band - met a lot of nice kids that way.
If your son is outgoing - he'll meet plenty of people and make lots of new friends.
Sometimes the best 'help' is to just let them work it out themselves.
In 6 short years he'll be off to college and meeting tons of new people.
The skills he's developing now will serve him well later on.

Encourage your son to join clubs that interest him so he forms bonds with other like minded kids.

My daughter’s both changed their friend group once they went to middle school any way. Then they made another whole group of friends once in HS. My girls are theatre kids so those tend to be a really nice group of people.