After Miscarriage, How to Keep It Together as the Due Date Approaches.

In my opinion, you don't have to "keep it together". You lost a child and have a right to grieve. If you had lost a 1 year old, no one would expect you to have it together. For some reason, people are not as tolerant about a miscarriage. Take the time you need to grieve.

There is probably no good reason that this occurred. Instead of being a child that does not have 10 fingers and 10 toes, it was missing a vital organ or hormone or something necessary for survival. The medical profession still does not have answers for these questions.

When I had my second miscarriage, we planted trees in our backyard for both babies. We had the ashes from the second baby (but not the first) and spread them in the ground where we planted the trees. My husband had my daughter help him plant the trees. She talks often about the trees that we planted to remember the babies. We even decorated them for the holidays - we hung pine cone bird feeders, popcorn strings, and sliced oranges on them for the animals. We have talked about decorating them this spring also. In my opinion, this has shown my daughter how real these babies are. And, it has shown her how important my children are to me. For me, it was helpful to find an outlet for remembering them. Do what feels right to you and don't worry about the rest.

I am so sorry for your loss. I think it might be OK for you to let go a little bit - cry a little, or a lot. Especially if your son still cries. You both need to express that loss. Maybe you could go somewhere special and have some sort of ceremony. Just a little token to mark the day. Put some flowers in a special place in your home, or in your yard. Say a few words, hug your little one. Something simple, and then take some time to sit and look at something pretty - the sky, the flowers, anything peaceful.

I am so sorry for your loss. Your post has brought back what I had forgotten on my own son's birthday (because I was so sick and incoherent), that we should have been celebrating two children's birthdays. My heart breaks for you. I was unable to bond with that baby though, as we lost him very early and didn't have confirmation until after he was born.

Is there any way you could make a scrapbook for him with your child? I know you wouldn't have a birth and death certificate, but you could print out your own, put in ultrasound pics if you have them, all the information, etc.

C.: I am very sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my son at just about 19 weeks but he was a twin. It has been 1.5 years and I still think about him all the time. I do a balloon release on their birthday! As far as fearing losing it, I say release your feelings and let them go. It is okay to mourn your child. . . my hearts and prayers are with you and your family!

It looks like no one can answer this for you but God .I was on here earlier but didn't know what to say.I know its hard But God knew He or she wasn't healthy .keep your faith in God and he will send you a baby thats healthy in his time. Don't think of the due date that is not coming .Think only of the date you lost him or her as the date the baby went to Heaven.Did you ever have closure on that day? Go ahead and cry now and accept the baby is gone and cry and get it all out of your system and quit concentrating on a date that will never come .Please dont read this wrong I just am trying to help you get closure and rely only on God and friends and family .

C., I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I completely understand how you are feeling. You have received some excellent advice. It really helped me a lot to honor the memory of my little one--even though it was painful at the time! I have had 5 miscarriages and the first one has been the most difficult for me. I still shed tears almost every time his birthday (date of the miscarriage/stillbirth) comes around; but it is not the terribly painful event that it used to be. I always knew that I would see my little boy again in the resurrection but I just couldn't seem to "keep it together" when anything reminded me of him. This has been over 16 years ago for me and I really think I would have benefitted from some grief counselling back then. If you feel overwhelmed by this, you really might find a lot of strength in being able to share your pain with a good counsellor. (Many churches have counselling services that are free.)
I found a lot of comfort in reading the Bible and finding what God had to say about the unborn Psalm 139, Jeremiah 1:5, and Isaiah 49:15.
God bless you,
A.

Christine,

I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that. I can sympathize with you as I had a miscarriage after trying for 4-1/2 years to get pregnant. I was 13 weeks along and I didn't think I'd ever be able to move on or have another child again. It's been 5 years now and I still haven't completely forgotten. I still wonder what he or she would've been like, etc. It also doesn't help that I had a cousin that was pregnant at the same time and we were due within a week of each other. So not only did I have to face the fact of losing my baby but I had to see her joy as she delivered her healthy baby. Luckily I was able to get pregnant again 6 months later so that did help. Although I was truley scared to death to even go for my dr's appt's of fear that something would be wrong again. I did end up having gestational diabetes with her but everything ended up being fine.

I don't know that there is anything you can do to make the hurt go away. Maybe you could have a little remembrance day to help you and your son. I don't know if maybe a cake or something would work. Have you thought about trying to conceive again. I know it's a hard and scarey decision to make but my dr. kept a super close eye on me once I got pregnant again. I'm sure everything will work out. And always remember it was nothing you did; and that things could've been much worse. I know it's not somethin you want to hear but that's what I had to keep telling myself over and over again.

I hope things start to look up for you very soon.

C.,

I am so sorry for your loss. You should do whatever feels right for you to do.
Mark it quietly at home of you are more comfortable that way, or have a memorial service if you like. Whatever will help you to get some closure and to feel that you have properly enveloped your angel baby in your love.

He is in the arms of Jesus now, happy and loved and safe, and he wants you to feel happy and loved, too. So this is about whatever will help you to get to that point.
Angel baby has a Mommy and a Daddy and a big brother who need help to grieve and then be happy with their whole future ahead of them, so I am sure that whatever you decide to do will be helpful for all of you, because it will be done in love and with an eye to the future.

Moving on does NOT mean forgetting Angel baby, it simple means that you can put away the grieving and have the happy future you are entitled to. You will never forget him, or stop missing him. He will ALWAYS be a part of your family. Let him be your inspiration.

It gets easier. We may not know the answer today of why. I do know that having the 2 out of 6 kids and one being a twin to my girl. I treasure the 2 that are here greatly. I don't think people get how precious children are. I hope that you don't get so caught up in the loss that you forget your little guy. He had a loss too...

I am really sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is.
I sure that you will survive.

I had miscarried at 15 weeks and was on Thanksgiving Day. I don't remember really having it any harder on the due date but have a hard time on Thanksgiving every year as that is the date I seem to remember that feeling of loss. I did have 2 other kids that were 6 and 3 at the time. It took over a year to get pregnant again and had a hard time until we finally had another baby. He was born 2 years later and that helped with the loss of the miscarriage. We didn't know why that one happened either. The doctor said there was probably something wrong with the baby and my body just rejected it but there wasn't anything that came up as to why it happened, it just did. I had a few problems with the next pregnancy but nothing major and he was born healthy. I guess I just didn't think about the due date anymore but still missed the baby and was depressed for a while but just took it day by day and trusted that God had a plan and with God's help I got through those tough years. When someone else has a miscarriage, I usually get tears in my eyes and think about the baby we lost and have a lot of compassion and try to help them and encourage them through their loss. I pray that you will feel a peace and know that God loves you even when things go wrong. Hope you feel better soon. It is a tough thing to get through.

C.,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 11 1/2 weeks four years ago. I can't imagine how difficult it is to also have to keep hearing the questions from your first child. I don't have any advice for you for the actual due date, but I can tell you that it does get easier with time. My SIL and I were pregnant at the very same time, with our due dates only three days apart. Every time I look at my niece I wonder what my baby would have looked like, if it was a boy or a girl, etc.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Please remember it does get easier as time goes on - just give your little boy some extra hugs when you think of your baby.

I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our baby boy March 12 2007, he was full term and stillborn. They couldn't find any reason why it happened either. It was the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life. We had his room ready, the car sear installed in the car and the hardest was that my 3 other kids were waiting excitedly for their new brother to be born. It was very difficult for all of us and it still is. Everyday at least one of them asks questions or talks about their baby brother. They used to ask why other people's baby got to live but our had to die, there were so many tough questions and I didn't have any answers.

I can't tell you how to cope with a due date as I was near mine when Andrew died but we have had to mark his birthday and that was very hard too. My kids wanted to do something so badly for his birthday and my husband and I couldn't decide what would be helpful and appropriate for all of us. So we decided to have a balloon release on his birthday with all of our close friends in attendance. It was very beautiful and healing. We also donated books to our hospital to be given to other families that lose their babies. That was very healing too. The book was a book that we read a lot after Andrew died and is very special to our family.

If you can't keep it together when this date approaches, then that is OK. I have lost it a lot in the last 21 months, sometimes in front of my kids, sometimes in front of strangers, sometimes all by myself. It is OK, it is all part of the grieving process and healing process. I did not hide it from my kids, I wanted them to know that it is OK to be sad about this. I also wanted them to know that there is no time line on being sad, just because it didn't happen yesterday doesn't mean you can't still be sad about it or think about Andrew or talk about him. My 4 year old is very understanding when I am having a bad moment, they understand so much more then we give them credit for. I would encourage you to do what you need to in order to get through this tough time. Find a special way to memorialize your baby, maybe a special ornament for the Christmas tree? I have gone to a wonderful support group for Perinatal Bereavement, and that has been so helpful. I would not have made it this long without it. I am not sure where you are located but it meets at Shawnee Mission Medical Center the first and third Thursdays of the month from 7-8:30. If you want more info email me or call the hospital. It is a great place to unload all those emotions.

I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

This kind of heartbreak defies "keeping it together," so just prepare yourself for another ride on the emotional roller coaster. Decide if you need to be near friends and family or if you want a day of privacy and try to let people know that. Remember that there will be others concerned about you and even grieving that day as well (grandparents, aunts/uncles?), so they're going to want to connect with you.

I kept a box of things (the tiny knit cap from the hospital, a couple photos, ultrasound images, special condolence cards, etc.) that I took out that day. We also lit (and still do) a candle in a lovely candlestick that a friend had given us with the intent to hold our baby's baptismal candle. We accompany that with a short prayer.

I encourage you to keep talking to your son about your baby if he wants to, and tell him how sad you feel but also talk about hope. The touching things I now hear my subsequent children say about the baby girl they never met fill me with a serene kind of joy.

I also found a lot of wisdom and comfort in a book called "I'll Hold You in Heaven" by Jack Heyford. (It's Christian based, and I don't mean to offend you if that doesn't speak to you.)

Time and love will heal your heart, but you will be struck by the times the memory of your baby seem to come to you from out of the blue. Believe it or not, you will cherish even the painful memories. Best wishes.

First of all let me tell you that I am so sorry for your loss....so many times...when a woman suffers a miscarriage, the world seems to think that you should just pick up and move on and not mourn the lost little one that was a part of your life, no matter for how short a time.
I read all of the other Mom's suggestions and I think they are EXCELLENT!! I love the idea of planting a tree in your baby's memory...it would be something "real" that your 4 year old could somehow connect with his sibling when he gets older.
I dont know if you are a church going family...but if you are...then you have a wonderful way to explain this loss to your older child. Just tell him that his younger brother or sister went to heaven to be with God. You can explain to him that God loves each of us very very much and that maybe...just maybe..his baby brother or sister was very sick and was not going to be able to live a full life so God brought him up to heaven to be an angel and watch over the family here on earth.
I know it is hard to hear your little one asking about the baby all of the time...let your husband...or a grandparent try to deflect the questions when they are there....so that you aren't the only one dealing with it. Let him continue to question until he gets it settled in his mind and his heart.
God bless you...

Dear C.,
I just want you to know I am so sorry for you loss! I understand because I lost our daughter at 18 weeks and it ripped my heart out 3 years ago. My son (5 1/2 years old now) still remembers his sister and still talks about her. I also had every test done and I didn't get any answers as to why. All I know is that everything in life has a purpose and I'm sure you are tired of hearing that! It does! I lost our daughter in August of '05, grived for a while, but in late Aug. of '06 had the opportunity to adopt the sister of our best friends. Both kids of our best friends are adopted (they can't conceive) and the birth-mother or their daughter got pregnant again. They were not ready to adopt another baby so my husband and I talked about it. Make a long story short, we have a beautiful 2 year old girl and a beautiful 10 month old biological baby girl. Every year my son and I put flowers on the grave of my daughter on the day she was born(Aug. 30th, 2005), talk to Jesus, and ask him to continue to watch over her. You could send a balloon to heaven for him with your son, with his brothers name on it or make some other special memory that you do on the day he went to heaven but I wouldn't focus on the day he was suppose to be born. I know with God's grace you will be a wonderful mother again as you are now. I'll keep you in my thoughts!

Hi C....
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. My husband and I lost a baby 6 years ago, and it is still hard, even though we've been blessed with three little boys since then. In honor of our baby, we went to a statuary store and bought a beautiful angel statue to put in our yard. When our baby's due date arrived (that day was SO difficult to get through), we stood by the angel and my husband said a beautiful prayer. He and our daughter (who was almost 4 at the time) went and bought a bouquet of daisies and together they made a flower necklace and put on the angel. I will say that over the years it's gotten easier, but that date never comes and goes that I don't think of our sweet baby. I pray that God will give you the strength to get through this difficult time.

C.,
I am sorry for your loss. You can do something special, like releasing balloons or get a special Christmas ornament in his memory (maybe one that holds a photo). I do not have many good suggestions on how to keep it together. Just remember & remind your son that your sweet baby is in Heaven.
Our only daughter was born at 36 weeks with complications of amniotic band syndrome & died 1 hr. & 16 min. after her birth. She never took a breath, as the band had wrapped around her chest & she had little to no lung tissue. At the time our oldest son was 2 1/2 y/o. He understands that his sister is in Heaven & looks forward to seeing her. I don't have time right now to go into the details on Alexia, but I you want to know more you can e-mail me.

God Bless & Merry Christmas!

I'm so sorry for your loss. The stories shared here are so full of compassion. We are fortunate to have such an amazing group of women at this site. You are not alone. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of the precious life you carried. As your due date approaches do what feels natural to you. Nurture yourself and your son during this time. Don't be afraid to show him your emotions. You might consider spending the day with your closest friends or family for support. That way if you really need to have a good cry maybe someone else can be with your son until you can regain yourself. One of my close friends gave me a small guardian angel pin with the birth stone of my baby. I kept it out for a long time, carried it around in my pocket. It was a great comfort for me. When I felt ready I put it away in a box with a few other momentos. It's been several years, but I still find comfort in that pin when I come across it. I don't know if any of this helps you, but mostly I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I found that after my miscarriage it felt like my life just stopped while the rest of the world kept on spinning. I found that initially I had lots of support, but after a couple months my friends and family quit asking, mostly because they didn't want to make me uncomfortable. I encourage you to find one person to share your feelings with as you experience this loss now, but also 6 months from now, a year from now. Don't allow yourself to start thinking that no one wants to hear what you are feeling. Find someone to walk this through with you. For yourself and your son. Take care. You are near my heart. You may contact me anytime on this site if you need more support.

This similar situation happened to me and it isn't easy. The best thing to do is mourn for your baby. Go through all the processes you have to go through to make you feel better. Time is the only thing that is going to heal you. I guess i got over it because i did have test done and the baby had an extra chromosome. He and it was a boy would have been severely handicap and wouldn't have lived too long after birth. I looked at that experience as a blessing because I couldn't have lived with having him taken away after birth and he didn't have to experience any pain. My prayers are with you and I hope your 4 yr old will get his sibling in the future. Stay strong! I am so sorry for your lost.

Here's the honest-to-God truth: it's OK to grieve & to express sorrow & anguish. It's OK to let your friends & family, including your children, share this emotion. How else do we teach our kids to honestly feel their emotions?

That said, I do grieve with you. We lost our daughter at 19 days of age due to multiple heart/pulmonary defects. This was October...15 years ago. Our older son was 6, & through the blessings of friends/family, our support system was phenomenal. Our older son is now 21....& has mentioned several times in the past few years that if he is blessed with a daughter....then her name will include Gracie's name.

On another subject, we did & still do some "things" in memory of Gracie. We planted a tree in her memory. We also buy a SnowBaby Christmas ornament to place on the tree each year. I usually buy this in September in honor of her birthday, & her Snowbaby ornaments are the 1st on the Christmas tree each year. I also buy a bouquet of flowers for her birthday & light a "Special Daughter" candle (which I keep by her photo). All of these little things help me focus & provide a release for my emotions.

I wish you Peace. Please feel free to personally contact me at any time.

I'm sorry about your loss. It's very hard and it does get easier as time goes on.

I've lost 4 babies and they are all buried together. We had the remains from all but 1 buried together. I do not remember their due date because I remember them on the day I lost them. For all of them, I was only 8-12 weeks. The first one was lost on Christmas Day. It's hard to celebrate but we do and we remember all of the kids. That day is soon approaching but I will say a prayer for her and the others and pray that I will be strong for my other 2 girls that I was blessed with. They are special needs and they need me to care for them too. We also take them each something for their gravesite and leave for them.

You will cry and cry and it will hurt when the day approaches but remember your child is in heaven and watching over you. Like I said before, it's hard but now 8 years later after losing the 1st, it has gotten easier. But then I have the next 3 dates for the others to wait for and go thru it all again.

Blessings to you

Hi C., I had a miscarriage 3 yrs. ago and if the baby had been born would be turning 3 this Christmas. To make matters worse, I had 3 sisters-in-laws who were preg. at the same time and one was due the same time as I was and I get sad sometimes because I look at all these toddlers and think where is mine? I was only 9 weeks along and this was a surprise pregnancy and not entirely happy but once we got over the shock it was nice to look forward to another baby, (we already have several kids.) When the due date rolled around, one of my husbands co-workers asked if I had had the baby yet(my husband didn't say anything about the miscarriage I guess)and when my husband told me this that night I just cried and cried. I hope time will help you feel better but we moms can never forget the babies we've lost no matter what so just hang there, I'll say a prayer for you. :)
M. B.

Why do you feel you have to keep it together? C., you lost a loved one, and you did not get a chance to have what some would call closure. There are usually no funerals, no wake, and family thinks it is best to not talk about it so you can move on. Poppycock!!!

You lost a child that was alive, you had a connection and the due date is something that hurts, way down deep inside. Dont let anyone tell you to not think about it. If you try to keep it together, as you say, you may never have closure. Use this time to prepare yourself for the date, grief and do so in a way that allows you to feel the emotion. if no one is grieving with you then do so by yourself, in the bathroom during a daily bath or on a walk, whenever is best for you.

Begin soemthing that will let you use that day as a day of closure. Begin writing in a journal, or begin talking to the baby. Do so knowing that on that date, you will say good bye. It will allow you to say your goodbyes while recognizing that it hurts. Holding it together is something that we do when we are holding in our emotions. It is alright to grieve, it is good for us. It is also alright to say good bye, and let the baby go, it is going to be OK.

Let your 4 year old grieve in his own way, but I would not encourage it to continue for long, it is best for little ones to move on. They get over things a lot faster, he may be picking up on your emotions.

I am sorry for your loss and I did not read the other messages, I am sorry if I repeated advice already given.

I'm not sure I have an answer for you but want to let you know you are not alone. I had a miscarriage 9 years ago and this is the first year I didn't think about it when Oct. 10th rolled around. I can tell you it does get easier. At first I was so depressed that knowing I still needed to take care of my four year old was the only thing that kept me going. That and alot of prayer.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know that loosing a child before birth is no easier then looseing one after they are born. I will pray for you.

You were a lot further along in your pregnancy than I was when I miscarried (I was 2 months exactly)- They dont know why it happend either. But that doesn't change how it affected me emotionally. It was very heartbreaking for me and people still brought it up and extended their "condolences" for months after, so it was hard to move on for awhile. But I feel like what got me through it the most is just the way I thought about it. I saw it as my body's way of telling me that it would not be a healthy pregnancy. I heard (if it matters) that about 50 percent of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Maybe on that day you should do something special as a family. Some quality time to get your mind off it. Even something simple like going to see a movie or go to dinner..or even just play a board game or something as a family. Just something to kind of keep you busy and take your mind off of it. Just be thankful for the healthy family that you do have and try to think about that instead of the miscarriage. Everything happens for a reason. Best wishes to you and your family.

Dear C., I am very sorry for your loss. I know this must be really difficult for you and your family.

I don't have experience with miscarriage, however, I do have experience with the death of someone you love dearly.

When I was 30 years old and almost 4 months pregnant with my first child, my 54 year old father dropped dead. It was devastating for many reasons.

It's recently been 6 years since his death. I tend to migrate towards the cemetary to freshen up things at his birthday and the anniversary of his death. Somehow, it helps me.

I don't know if you can do something similarly? Something that becomes a bit of a ritual to you to 'remember' your precious baby.

(I'll warn you, I usually cry on those days, but somehow, that helps too...) I've always taken my daughter with me because she was born just days before his birthday - the first birthday he wasn't with us. She's grown up with my trips there and even though she didn't know him, she usually asks some questions during that time.

For your son, you might ask the children's librarian at your local library about books that might help you address this situation. It's ok to be sad and ok to talk about it. Children learn a lot through books.

Bless you and I hope that in time you receive some comfort. My heart goes out to you.

Try a little humor-for sure it's not a 'Change Baby';
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pqFVqlMX2o

Enjoy!

I would do something together as a family when the due date arrives and remeber the ones who are still with you.Explain to your daughter that baby has passed but we will remember him even though she didn't see him.If you buried him go to his site and leave flowers and a picture of the family.Grieving is ok that is how we express ourselves.I'm currently 27 weeks with my 3rd baby and worry everyday what I do if it'll effect my child it is hard not to and harder to move on.Have a Happy Holiday.

Hi Christine. My name is H.. This may sound strange but I personally don't see why you should HAVE to keep it together. Loosing a child is hard...It's the hardest thing a person could go through. I had a miscarriage a couple of years ago. I remember it very well, it was Christmas day of 2006...4 months after my daughter was born. I'm sure it wasn't as difficult for me because I was only a few weeks pregnant...I hadn't even felt the baby move yet. I'm not saying it didn't tear me up inside because it did, but there's a difference between losing your baby when your a few weeks and a few months along. You'd felt the baby move inside you. I know you want to keep it together for your son, but there's nothing that says on that day your baby was suppose to come into this world you can't go into a room and grieve over the lose of your unborn child. If you wanted to you could see if a friend or family member would be willing to take your son for a few hours and just grieve however you want. That way if you want to scream, throw things or just sit and cry your eyes out you can without your son being around. You have the right to be sad and to hurt. Anyone you who doesn't think so has never lost a child and doesn't know the pain you feel inside.