Advise on How to Handle the Holidays

I would feel sad, but not guilty. She was offered the invitaion, and she declined. There are 5 weeks in the 'holiday' season. We have family that is all close, from different sides, etc. the first 2 years, we tried to get with everyone each holiday. 3 thanksgivings, 4 christmases. one christmas we started visiting at 8am for breakfast and didn't get home until 11:45pm! After that we started spreading it out over the 5 weeks. We do phone calls on the holiday to those we won't be seeing.

One thing we've done, is to exchange gifts with the person/people, but don't open them. Then on Christmas day, we call each other and open the gifts over the phone. Its actually pretty fun!

M.

My sister has insisted on visiting our Mom at Thanksgiving and Christmas up until a few years ago. My Mom dreaded these visits. My sister likes to argue about everything and my Mom was ready for the each of the visits to be over after a single day. My niece is a spoiled brat who throws tantrums at the drop of a hat. For some reason it meant a lot to my sister, but it was driving our Mom crazy - she hates all the fighting and bickering. A few years ago my sister's family got caught in a blizzard while driving home from my Mom's (an 8 hr drive). After watching the minivan in front of them slide off the road and down an embankment, my brother in law finally put his foot down and said never again. They visit in the summer now on occasion, and my Mom has peace and quiet during the holidays which is just the way she likes it. My point is - you might have a vision for how you'd like the holidays to happen and your Mom might not share your vision. She might very well be happy with a few phone calls and not have to fuss over company. Sometimes the elderly are happy with a few hours with the grandchildren, but after that they are ready to shove everyone out the door and send them back to their own homes. Accept your Mom's decision with good grace.

Your mother chose to stay home. Older people frequently don't like to travel and the dogs may simply be an excuse. Visit her before the holiday and have a celebration.

I too have an older mother and am disinclined to spend Christmas away as I don't know how many more she will have, but when she would opt for her dog over seeing her family, that was her choice not mine (yes, my Mom did the exact same thing as yours).

Honestly I think your mom has made her decision. You seem to have made very equitable plans. Your husbands family should not be punished because your Mom does not want to go on a Christmas vacation with you. You should do as you have planned for Thanksgiving, and then it is your decision as to whether to scrap your Christmas plans to spend it with your mom or not.

how to handle the holidays..
never any easy answer when you add an extended family
into the mix. first off , cancel the extra suite so you dont have to pay for it. second thing to do, is to make plans to get together with your mother after the holidays, say at like new years or something. then next year plan to
get together with your mother at christmas or chhanakah
and his family on new years, that way no body can complain...
too loundly or do chistmas or chhankah at one place and
thanksgiving at the other place.. simple
K. h.

Dear B.,
I am sure you are torn, but it appears that your Mom made the decision not to spend Christmas. Another solution to her dog dilemma would be to find a house sitter to take care of them. We do that every time we travel. We have several friends who like to stay at our house and we pay them $30/day. If she hires a professional sitter, it would cost around $75/day. Also, your husbands reunion seems like it is a one time thing, which would be very important to him.

T.

I don't know what the relations are in both families, but maybe you could invite your mother to come on your Thanksgiving trip with you. If you have extended an invitation for Christmas and she declined, that is not your fault. Is she in poor health and cannot travel much? If so, than maybe if it is really important to you to be with her than maybe plan your vacation for another time other than christmas to be with her. I think the Thanksgiving trip with your husbands side of the family sounds like a perfect opportunity to meet and visit with alot of his side of the family so I personally would make it a point to go to that. These "family reunions" are special opportunities. Take advantage of them when you can. I know it isn't easy juggling 2 different families. I hope whatever you decide you will be happy with. Good luck in your pursuits!

You invited your Mother and she declined, I wouldn't have any guilt about it. You could offer to help her find a petsitter if you think that would help. Other than that, I would see her before you leave for your vacation and when you get back.

As far as Thanksgiving, could you celebrate with your Mother before you go or when you get back? So many people focus on celebrating the holiday on the actualy day, not during the season. We view it more as a "season" and celebrate with family when we can all get together during the holiday season. Less pressure on everyone since everyone has in-laws to see during the holidays as well.

Dear B.,
How about inviting your mother to attend the Thanksgiving holiday with you and your husband at your husband's family reunion? Perhaps you could find a dog friendly hotel...there are more and more of them these days...even the pricier hotels often have a special suite for people with pets? You could even drive there ahead of your husband if needs be if the pets couldn't handle an airplane ride. Or celebrate Thanksgiving a few days earlier...like the weekend before with her? My sister-in-law brings her mom to all of our family dinners and reunions when her mom comes to town so that both mothers are able to enjoy the grandchildren (my mother is 88 and has a heart condition). Keep thinking about it there are alot of options out there for you! Saying a prayer that you will find a good solution!

Take care,

K.

Maybe she could go with you on Thanksgiving since it seems like a shorter trip. There are pet sitting services that come to your home so that the animals are in their own element. I have used B.'s Pet Care with great success and they will even give medications and follow complicated instructions.

Your mom may just not want to travel and if that is the case, do you have a good friend that could deliver a plate of their holiday leftovers and visit for a few minutes?

Good Luck.

Go see his family on Thanksgiving.

As for christmas and your mom you have some options. One option is to postpone the vacation to another time. The other is to go ahead and go and don't feel guilty. Your mom is an adult and made her choice. And in the future you'll know to consult with your mom before booking her a suite.

It's far enough in advance that you should be able to cancel hotel reservations without any problem. If you had planned to fly somewhere it'll depend on the type of ticket you have ... but you should be able to change it with a fee. If you choose not to go right now.

Hi B. P,

I can see how you would feel torn about what to do for the holidays. Your mom is important to you, and spending both Thanksgiving and Christmas away from her sounds like a bit much, unless you are on bad terms (which doesn't seem to be the case here).

I do agree that you should go see your husband's family for Turkey Day, but I politely disagree with other posters who answered your question ahead of me, and I'd say that if I were you I would postpone the family vacation. Travel is nicer in the spring and summer anyway. Go see your mom. She might say it's okay that you go without her, but I don't know anyone who wants to spend the holidays completely alone. Especially if there are grandchildren.

Without knowing the specifics of your situation, I think this is what I would do. You did invite your mom to the vacation, but it sounds like you didn't consider whether it's something she'd actually want to do before you booked a suite for her. She has a right to decline, and you definitely have a right to go on vacation without her, but I think that holidays are not about vacationing so much as about remembering who is important to you. That is just my opinion. Best wishes!!!

Why not spend Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with your Mom? We always divide and conquer over the holidays. If you haven't seen his family in 4 years and they're getting older, it would be worth a visit when the all get together.

a few thoughts...
Go with your husbands family for thanksgiving... It's a rare opportunity for your children to see that many people from that side.
If possible- ask if you can invite your mom. Then look into hotels that allow dogs... There are quite a few and I can send you the travel pets website so she can take a look at the hotels.
Lastly- Christmas. Go where ever you WANT to go- vacation, inlaws, whichever makes you happy. If you want, invite mom and find another pet friendly hotel.
Yes, the thought of her alone for a holiday hurts you ... I am guessing because YOU wouldn't want to be alone for a holiday? And you are a good daughter for thinking of her and trying to accomodate her. But she may do this just this once and realize she really doesn't like to be alone for a holiday either... But it might just need to be a decision she needs to make for herself and ultimately a lesson she learns for herself. :-)
But you are a great daughter for wanting to be with her!!!

It is hard to accommodate everyone!! You tried to include your mom and she knows you care - if there's no possible way to change the vacation plans, then just try to have a quality family dinner with your mom before or after you leave for Christmas and maybe keep the tree up for her and you guys can have your own Christmas Day...and then still go on vacation. Hopefully she will have someone to spend the actual Christmas with, but she made her choice, so she will be fine (dog sitters are a good option too - no kennels involved). I would definitely go to the Thanksgiving family reunion....that is not something that happens every year.
In my family my parents have decided to go to NY to spend it with my brother and his wife because they are coming here for Thanksgiving and don't want to make them make two trips - it is not an option for my family to go up there (especially since I am in my third trimester and by then will be about to burst..), so it kind of leaves out the possibility of spending Christmas with any of my family other than my DH and kids. My MIL may be able to come up, so not sure about her either....we have set our own Christmas traditions and I understand we can't be together all the time, so everyone is understanding and fine with it - we will just exchange presents when we can and enjoy the holidays in our own way. Good luck with your decision and keep us updated!

Go see your husband's family at Thanksgiving. It may be your last, and your children's only, opportunity to see them.

Go on your Christmas vacation. It is your mother's choice not to go with you.

NOt sure how your finances are but depending on how many it is purchase plane or train or bus tickets for his family to come to you that way you have your mom there and his family can come to you or instead of going in a regular car rent a winibego one of those big I call them buses that has the kitchen and bed inside that way your mom can go and take her dogs with her.
I pray everything works out happy holidays

aw, i love that you want to spend the hols with your mom and her old dogs. and i also understand that for her, traveling with its upheavals and worry about her old dogs, even to spend the time with you and your family, is just more than she wants to do. i think it's wonderful that you booked her a separate suite and want her to come so badly, but i would respect her decision and take your trip, just setting aside time for a lovely celebration with her when you get back.
i would definitely take the family reunion trip at thanksgiving. those opportunities are pure gold.
sometimes there's just no good way to fit everyone in at the holidays, and that's okay. have a wonderful time on your busy travel adventures, and then plan some cozy fun snuggle time with your mom when you get back. it will be fine.
khairete
S.