Advise on 8Yr Old Being Afraid

My son is 13 and he still checks the doors. If this is new behavior for her, she may be picking up a vibe from you and her dad...not to place blame or anything. Kids are very sensitive to us and you are her security.

I would consider, about 15 minutes before bed, going around with her and with her dad to all the doors, etc and showing her that yes everything is okay. I would also, if your beliefs allow, pray with her each evening for a prayer of protection to be around her and all of the family as well as the house...prayer is powerful and it allows kids to mention lots of concerns you might not even know they have.

has she watched the news? i know when i was little i'd watch the news w/ my mom and it scared me to death. i always thought something bsd was going to happen. i still get nervous about certain things

Hi S.,

I think it might be helpful if you empowered her. I agree with the poster who suggested she might have seen or heard something that really bothered or scared her. There isn't alot you can do about that. As the old saying goes, "You can't unring a bell." Between this recent fear and the marital problems, both of which she has no control over, she is probably feeling a little unhinged.

Sit down with her and talk about those fears and what she is afraid the worst case scenarios would be. Don't interupt to try to soothe her, just right them all down. Then go through each one with her and help her come up with a way to prevent them. The list the other mom was talking about. A routine to make sure those thing are attended to and that she feels secure. If she is worried about the windows being opened they have tiny (and cheap) little screw locks at the hardware store that she can help you attatch. If she is worried about the doors and garage doors show her how they are locked and let her help you check each night. Give her a whistle that she can take to her room and blow if she is in danger. Get one for you and dad too. Then go through the house and blow them from each room so she will know you can hear her whistle blow from any room. Come up with a fire escape plan and practice it. Come up with a plan to leave the house in any kind of emergency. Let her help you make an emerdency kit of supplies you might need.

I know it sounds like alot of work, but in doing this you will help her feel powerful and in control. She will not feel victimized by her fear, but will feel like she can DO something besides sit there scared.

S., I'm no psychologist - but I did want to write and point out a couple things.
1st - let me say that a couple weeks ago, a close friend of mine who parked just RIGHT IN FRONT of a store in a busy plaza returned to her car to find a broken window. Her "extra set" of keys that she hides in her car were gone, and so was her wallet. (which she didn't have with her because she wasn't there to shop, but to take care of something unrelated). It didn't end there. When she drove home, her cat was outside screaming, her front door was wide open, and every single room in her home was trashed, and everything flipped over and broken...everything.. AND they maxed out her credit cards.. all in 1 afternoon. (This is why, in a separate post, I put that I've lost my weight watchers buddy).
--I think that it's GREAT that your daughter is going through this 'mental checklist' in her head. Because many people believe it happens to 'every one else.'
---You mentioned that she used to be tough and nothing bothered her. Either she's seen something on t.v., read about something in the paper (you know what's in the paper these days!), or a friend has told her something? OR - maybe, you were right about her sudden insecurities-maybe she sees this as a way to make sure things are "still in order, and under control."
I personally wouldn't discourage it. Sometimes I go to bed at night, and BOTH the main lock and the chain lock were left unlocked, and I wonder what the heck is wrong with my family because if I were the last one in the door, they'd be locked!
My 8 year old daughter is really good about this during the day, though, she'd have the chain locked in addition to the main lock, and my husband would come home from work just going nuts because he can't get past the chain after he's unlocked the door.. LOL
I would allow her to keep a small checklist, maybe on a dry erase board so she could erase it the next morning. "Did we lock the car on our way in? Yes, check! .. Did we lock the doors behind us? Yes, check! Did someone remember to close the garage door? Great, check!" and once she sees this mini-list has all it's check marks, we could put our minds at ease and get ready for bed!
----I'm not sure about beliefs, at our home, we'd choose to wrap it up in one little bedtime prayer together and pray that we are kept safe and sound. That's what I usually do with my daughter when she barges in our room when a bad dream had woken her up - we'd pray a small prayer together, and she always goes right back to bed feeling better.
Good luck! I hope I haven't overstepped any boundaries!!

My children went through this not too long ago, I think it is an awareness of the world stage. The "mommy and daddy are all powerful" thinking of preschool and toddlers is all gone and is replaced with the realization that bad things do happen and they could happen to me. We watch the news in the morning before school and they really started paying attention to news stories at about this age and asking a lot of questions. When my daughter got to the point that she was afraid to go to sleep at night, I sent the dog in to sleep with her and told her that the safest she would ever be was with our dog next to her. This worked for us, because our dog, Sarah is a black lab and a pretty good size dog. The dogs bark when they see or hear something, so as long as the dogs are quiet the girls are fine. My girls are convinced that the dogs would fight to their deaths to protect them, which is probably true and they feel safe now. Now we just have to conquer the fears of tornadoes sweeping down on us in the night and we'll be home free!

My niece went thru similar issues to the poin my sister had to have a home security system installed and allow my niece to sleep with her all around the same age. I assumed it was the age, however, this started when my sister was going thru a seperation which led to her divorce.

S.,
I would not be surprised if this is from a commercial on t.v. I can remember being around her age when I saw a commercial about drug users on t.v. and I still see the images in my head 35 years later. There is currently a few commercials with someone breaking into a home while the house is occupied. My children (including my 17 year old) will change the channel when this comes on.
I think the best way to handle this is to explain that Most crime is not stranger vs stranger. Show her the safetly measures you take in your own home. It is empowering and also teaches her how to keep herself safe.
T.

My sister and I went through the same thing around the same time even though we were born 4yrs apart. To this day I remember the news story that set me off but, looking back, the problem was the fact that my parents were not getting along at all. Plain ole insecurity.

I've noticed with my own kids that when my husband and I fuss in front of them they have higher levels of anxiety. My oldest will swear that the shadows on her wall from cars are something sinister and the baby just knows that there are monsters under her bed.

I don't have this problem solved by any stretch of the imagination. From my experiences I would suggest that first of all you let her know that although Mommy and Daddy fight sometimes.......... and also watch what she is watching on TV. My Mom used to tell me pray.. IN the name of Jesus leave me alone.

Does she have a puppy? We had an issue with our 6 yr old being terrified to sleep in his room and if he heard anything inside or out would become histarical. Needless to say we moved our Rottie & her kennel in his room. Magic! He since became comfortable which is good because she passed away but it did the trick. Good luck!

S.- mother of 2-step sons; 1 son & 1 one the way.

did she happen to see a movie that had somethinglike this in it. or like csi. that could really scare a child.

S. Z., my 9 year old son did the same thing last year when me and my husband seperated. He was afraid that since Dad wasn't here to "protect" us, that someone was going to break in the house. He wanted to sleep in the room with me and everything. Double checking doors also. It started around the time he heard us arguing (by accident) or heard us talking about husband moving out. I believe the martial problems is making her insecure the same way it did my son. He eventually calmed down after a few weeks. I did get a alarm system also just for extra security and it seemed to help. I stopped letting him watch or hear the news and monitored TV shows. I think kids get secure with the two parents then when it becomes one parent they loose a little of that security for a while. By the way I also run a daycare out of my home.