Advise Needed!!!!

Updated on November 09, 2006
R.R. asks from Nicholasville, KY
46 answers

I thought that I had the perfect family, yes I know mistakes has happened, and not all has been perfect. I found out lastnight, that my 15 year old is pregnant. Not only is she 15, but he is 18, soon to be 19. I am so confussed, she is determined to keep it. I took her to her doctor to confirm it all today, and she is going to have a child. My husband wants to press charges on him, but I feel this may do more harm then good, after all I think I am at fault for letting them be friends, and him come to our house. He assured me that he would never touch her. I need advise please.

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So What Happened?

I would like to thank all of you for helping me deal with the situation. You have all givin great advise, and also made me step back and look at the big picture. I appreciate all your advise, and I hope you continue to give great advise for others. I always thought I had all the answers, but this one showed me different. I hope and pray that my daughter makes the right decisions and I will be there to support both her and my grandchild. Thank you all again. Keep praying for us.

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J.A.

answers from South Bend on

I went through almost the exact same thing, when I was 16 I started dating a 20 year old guy, and my parents trusted him enough to let me stay out all night with him! I ended up getting pregnant when I was 17, with my daughter. I wish to God now that my parents had pressed charges against him, because the worst was yet to come. We ended up getting MARRIED (of all things) and I entered into a VERY abusive relationship, that took me years to get out of. I am now free of him, and he is not allowed to come back to the state of Indiana (long story).

My advice, if you choose to take it, is to press charges. He PROMISED you that he wouldn't touch her, and he did. He did a lot more than that.

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D.S.

answers from Omaha on

I just read your message. My heart goes out to your whole family. I have 2 very young girls of my own & fear these things happening. Your family has a long road ahead of them. I wouldn't suggest turning in the young man because it may make your daughter rebel even more. (They think they know everything at this age.) I didn't have my first daughter till I was 28, and it is soooo hard. Your daughter has no idea what is in store for her. I know it will be hard, but you both need to support her as much as possible, but DO NOT do everything. It is her child and she will quickly learn the responsibilities of being a mother. Let her wake with the 2am,3am,4am feedings & diaper changes. I know it will break your heart, but she needs & will be doing lots of growing up shortly & quickly. I have had a few girlfriends that had babies at 15 & 16. They never were able to celebrate their highschool & college years. It is very sad. I don't know if you have talked to her about adoption, or if that is even an option. I know once you see your baby, you couldn't imagine giving it away. How far along is she? I know I have no room to be offering any advice because I have noooo clue what I would do if I were in the situation your family is in, so take my message as trying to empathize with your family. Sincerely yours and God bless, D. P.S. It is not your fault for being a great mother. Things happen for a reason. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM!!!! Never forget that!!

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E.N.

answers from Sioux Falls on

I don't think pressing charges is the best idea in most of these cases. This is a situation where there are two consenting individuals. You will ruin this boys life. He will have to register as a sex offender and will not be able to live a normal life. He did nothing wrong. I'm sorry but your daughter consented and although 15 is not old enough to be having sex, she was old enough to know she shouldn't be having sex. This is just as much her fault as it is his. As for keeping the baby, that's a tough call. I am adopted myself. My biological mother was 15 when she had me. I was given to a wonderful family who gave me a life she would never have been able to provide for me. If you are financially well off and will provide for her and for the child so she can fo through college to get the job and support her child later on, than her keeping it wouldn't be such a bad thing. But, that's usually not the case in my research on the subject. In most cases, both her and the baby will live lives that neither deserve. I have always said that it takes a much stronger person to give the child away than it does to keep it. I know this because I got pregnant at 18. I had planned on giving it up for adoption until I felt her kick at that point, I knew I couldn't do it. Thank god I had a very supportive and financially well off family along with a very good husband, I was married before pregnancy. This is a tough situation and I'm afraid there are no easy answers. I think this is a situation that you'll have to take day by day. But I think that you will only make matters worse and isolate yourself from your daughter if you press charges against the boyfriend.

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A.B.

answers from Lincoln on

R.
I know that you are very stressed out right now but hang in there. Wether you like it or not your daughter is going to be a mom and you need to be there to support her. This is gong to be very scary for her and she will need you now more than ever. You need to show her how to be a great mom and also she needs to be more responsible because she is now in this situation. There are lots of expenses that come with a child and she and the boy need to understand that and they need to start saving that money. She might be to young to get a job but shse needs to be helping in the house to earn money!
Good luck stay strong!!!
A.

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G.T.

answers from Cedar Rapids on

R.,

Congradulaions on being a Grandma!!

I found out I was pregnant when I was 18, i waited a week or so to tell my parents and when I did they were mad, just like your husband, but they sat em down and talked to me aobut what we were going to do, and stuff. My mom wouldnt talk to me at first she was that upset but she did and there was alot of crying and were all a happy family now. They love being grandparents and seing Landon grow up in front of them. My dad actually said that THEY needed this more than anythign despite how big of an issue it was made to be.

I hope that your daughter found a great guy and hes not a complete idiot. As for his age, one of the girls i went to school with and ended up going to Lamaze with too was 17 adn the father was 20 almost 21. Her parents were very shocked as well nad he isnt the best model person but hes a great dad. He loved his son more than anything and they are happy. The age thing is a big deal but if they truely care for each other it shouldnt matter that much. He just needs to realize that he is going to have to work to supply for this baby.

If she decides to keep it thats great, she should see if there is a WIC program in your area at all, and that will help with formula and such, if we didnt use it i dont know what we would do, cause its so expensive.

Well If you or your daughter would like to talk to ne more, i know how hard it can be to be a young mom in general, i would be more than happy to stay in contact, its hard for me to find moms my age. email me at [email protected]____.com

G.

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J.M.

answers from Omaha on

I was 18 when I got pregnant with my first daughter - I know that's not the same as 15, but it was still hard on my family. My mother was the most angry out of everyone. My dad, wanted to be angry, yet - part of him wanted to be excited too. It was the biggest relief when my dad finally said - from this point on we're going to be happy about this baby. I was about 5 months along at that time. Up to that point I was very stressed, worried, ect. all the time. My haven was my paternal grandparents' house. They were never angry, judgemental, etc. They never shouted, "You're getting an abortion!" the way my mother did. They never suggested that aborting my baby would be what God wanted like other family members did. I couldn't have done it without my paternal grandparents. This was where I went for refuge when the world around me was judging me. Wouldn't it be wonderful if your own home could be your daughter's haven during this difficult time?

I know it's hard and you're probably angry and confused, but this happens. This happens to good kids. It's going to be very difficult for everyone and I don't think that pressing charges on your grandchild's father will help anything. (I could see if he was like 25 or 30, but 15 and 18 is a pretty normal age gap for dating.) Every situation is different, and I don't know all of the details of yours, but I can tell you that your daughter is probably freaked out beyond belief and having you to support her will make her pregnancy less stressful. She may change her mind about adoption too. I didn't but I was older and done with high school at the time. I had a couple of friends give their babies up for adoption when I was still in high school and they both felt and still feel they made the right decision, but it took them until almost the end of their pregnancies to decide. Since then, I have become a teacher and had several students give up and several students keep babies. Either way it's a difficult choice, but it will be easier for her and ultimately easier for you if you and your daughter have each other.

You probably don't want to force your opinion on your daughter either - to avoid resentment, etc. However, I do think you and your husband should have some say in the adoption question. Here's why - there's no way she can do this alone - even if she's on welfare, she'll still need your help. I doubt you're ready to say - "Get your own apartment sweetie!" (At least, that's the feeling I get from your post.) So, since she is still a minor, her baby will be on your insurance, will eat your food, will require childcare, etc. You'll be footing most of the bill. I think you could wait to sort this out until you've had time to digest it, but you should start talking about it soon - nine months will fly by, so you will have to talk sooner than later. The ultimate decision will be the day the baby is born or shortly thereafter. I guess it really should be your daughter's final decision, but I do believe, as her mother and as her father, you and your husband should have some major influence over it. Major discussions will need to take place maybe in the presence of a counselor.

And this is important- Don't blame yourself mom! Kids will do what they want to do and if you try to stop them, they are crafty and will figure out ways to do it anyway. I know I did. And I was overall a stereotypically "good kid" - weird, but good.

Bottom line - be there for your daughter - even if you are angry right now. Try to help your husband work through his anger too. Many times situations like this require counseling. Chances are when you and your husband meet your grandchild for the first time, the troubles will melt away and you will figure out a way to make it work. As angry as my parents were - in the end, they were my biggest supporters. And, in the end - my daughter changed my life forever. I shudder to think of where I would be without her. As cliched as it might sound - everything happens for a reason!

My daughter is 11 now and she's wonderful. My family can't imagine life without her. My husband is not her biological father, but he is her dad and always will be. And, lo and behold, when she was 7 her biological dad came back into her life. They've had a good relationship for the past 4 years. Like many of the dramas of life - it will work itself out. It will be hard, but by the grace of God, you, your daughter, your husband and that baby will be all right. God bless. My prayers are with you.

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M.D.

answers from Charleston on

I WOULD MAKE SURE IT WAS CONSENTUAL FIRST. THEN TAKE IT FROM THERE. I KNOW SHE IS YOUNG, BUT WHAT IS HER MATURITY? I TOO BEGAN HAVING SEX AT A YOUNG AGE WITH AN OLDER GUY. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED NOW FOR 14 1/2 YEARS TO THE SAME MAN THAT I WAS SEXUALLY INVOLVED WITH. MY MOM DID PRESS CHARGES AGAINST MY NOW HUSBAND. IT HAS CAUSED ALOT OF FRICTION BETWEEN US AND IS SOMETHING THAT I NOR HIM WILL EVER FORGIVE FOR HER DOING.SO BEFORE MAKING A RASH DECISION PLEASE CONSIDER WHAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER WILL BE IF YOU DO CHARGE. TAKE TIME FOR A MUCH NEEDED HEART TO HEART AND ASK HER FEELINGS TOWARD HIM. THEN GET HIM OFF TO THE SIDE AND SEE WHAT HIS IS AND WHAT HE IS PLANNING TO DO. THEN GET THEM TOGETHER FOR A BIG FAMILY TALK. IT WILL TAKE A LOT ON YOUR PART BECAUSE OF HER AGE. THERE IS ONLY 3 YEARS BETWEEN THEM. IF SHE WERE 18 AND HIM 21 NOBODY WOULD THINK ANYTHING OF IT, SO WHY NOW. AGE IS A NUMBER AND IT IS ONLY 3 YEARS. I AM 30 AND MY HUSBAND IS 42. PLEASE DON'T GET ME WRONG I AM SORRY THAT SHE IS PREGNANT ESPECIALLY IF IT WAS UNPLANNED. BUT PLEASE GET HER VIEW AND SEE WHAT SHE FEELS. ENCOURAGE HER TO KEEP THE BABY NO MATTER THE OUTCAOME OF YOUR DECISION, IT IS A PART OF YOU AND HER. THERE ARE LOTS OF HELP OUT THERE FOR TEENAGE MOTHERS.(MEDICAL,SCHOOLING,SUPPORT GROUPS) MOST IMPORTANTLY THERE IS YOU.

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M.L.

answers from Des Moines on

Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. Unless the boy is an absolute sleaze ball predator, I would shy away from pressing charges. I assume your daughter wants him to be part of the picture and if she does pressing charges will do nothing to help this.

There was a post not too long ago titled “A new baby on the way” posted By Dona S. You may find a lot of good information there.

Best of luck to you and your family
M.

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D.P.

answers from Indianapolis on

Well, you need to be supportive. That is a child, a life and to make her terminate would have lasting emotional scars on her. And pressing charges will only make it worse. What's done is done and you cannot undo it. By pressing charges, it will alienate her and he would maybe feel he could not be supportive. It his child as well and he should take responsibility and be able to be there for your daughter. some states there is a consent law and there may be nothing you can do but I wouldn't. Best of luck! Oh! It is not your fault!! You cannot be with your children 24/7 and keep them sheltered! She is obviously old enough to know right from wrong. She made her choice.

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A.L.

answers from Des Moines on

Hello R.,
A good resource in the Des Moines area is the Young Women's Resource Center. Please look it up on the internet. They will have resources for you as a grieving parent as well as resources for your daughter and the father. It is not your fault nor does it lessen the beauty of your family. -A.

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G.L.

answers from Omaha on

I really like Amanda C.'s answer to this about having your daughter visit daycares and you wake her up several times during the night like a feeding time.

I do think that this kind of thing needs to be done before kids become sexually active. I have seen tv shows that address the idea of classes like this. I think it would be a great idea to institute a progam like this in schools. Regardless what a good parent you are, your child may still have sex anyway. So this is not a reflection on you. Your daughter just got caught doing what alot of other kids her age are doing. That doesn't make it write, but that thought may help when your peers give you a hard time about it.

I became pregnant with my first child at age 18. I kept her. Abortion is simply not an option for me personally. I married the father, which was a worse mistake than getting pregnant in the first place. I had to go through the hassle of a divorce because of it. It has been a rough road, but I appreciate everything that I learned from it. I am a much stronger person because of what I went through. That does not mean I want my daughter to go through with it. I am very honest with my daughter what I went through as a teenager. I let her know that she was not intended, but the best thing that could have happened to me all in one.
I don't know if telling my story will help you. But I hope getting another perspective from my story will.
Hugs,
G.

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M.C.

answers from Lexington on

hi my name is M.. i think you have to let her learn on her own. she has to know if your gonna play with fire then your gona get burn. It will be hard but thats just how life is. last week we had a 15 year old died in a car wreak and she had a 9 week old baby boy. just make sure she stay's in school because that is the main thing that her and the baby will need. aslo help her uderstand that this little preson will be depending on her for the rest of it's life the way she depends on you. so how do you and your husband fell about being grandperants? my mother is 38 and has 3 grandson's. so age is just a number. as for the guy i wouldn't press charged because then he wont have a chance to be in the babys life to help take care of it like a father should. is he gonna help? well i dont know if it helped but that my thoughts on it

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L.A.

answers from Lincoln on

Personally, I think pressing charges would do more harm than good, especially if there is any hope of him being a part of your future grandchild's life. It is my belief that the child needs to know who his/her father is. I obviously don't know how the future father feels about the whole situation, but it might be good to find out what role he wants to play.

As far as your daughter and the baby are concerned, from a pro-choice perspective, it's your daughter's body and choice regardless of her age. If she desires to keep the baby, maybe get her in some parenting classes or anything you can to make sure that she is fully informed about the choise to become a mom. Talk, talk, talk!!! I know that St. Elizabeth Regional Medical Center offers some great parenting and pre-natal type classes, and there are some specifically for teen parents. nothing about being a teen parent will be easy. She needs to be aware of this!

Finally, DON'T BLAME YOURSELF!! If you would have not allowed her to see him, she probably would have found a way to do so anyways. I don't think you are a bad parent by any means- things happen. Provide your daughter with as much love, support, and information as you can. Keep the bond you have with your daughter, and show her what a good loving parent is. It will be a rough next few years, if she has the baby, but that doesn't mean they can't be happy!!

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K.F.

answers from Lincoln on

R.,

I thought that at 15 years of age that I too could be a good mom. However, things didn't go the way I planned. I didn't keep the baby nor did I adopt it out. I had a planned abortion. It still lingers in my mind. I am not telling you to have her abort the baby by any means. All I am saying is to let her keep her options open to anything. She is the one that will have to live with the decision that is made. As far as your husband goes. He has every right to call the police and report the guy. He could even do just that behind your back and without your knowledge. Hopefully he will also think this through before he does that. It is a very difficult situation to go through for all those involved. Does the guy know that your daughter is pregnant? If not, maybe he should be told too, right along with his parents. It is a decision both of these kids made when it came to having premarital sex. I can only imagine what must be running through your head but please, please remember it is not your fault that she is pregnant. You did not give your permission for them to have sex and I believe if it was going to happen it would have happened anyway. Until the situation is resolved do not let the boy into your house without both of you being there. Talk to his parents (if they will talk with you)because if she decides to keep the baby and you agree to it to, they are going to be grandparents also and should have a say in the matter. Hopefully this is some advice that will help you all to make good decisions.

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M.L.

answers from Fort Wayne on

If your daughter hasn't come right out and said that the "relations" were consentual, ask her. Then, when you are comfortable that it was consentual, I would drop the thought of pressing charges. As others have mentioned, it will only make the relationship between you, your daughter, and the father more strained than it currently is. The father will also be placed on the sex offender registry if found guilty, something that will haunt him for years. It will make it difficult for him to volunteer at his child's school etc. if your daughter decides to keep her child.

As far as having the child, I personally believe that is the only way to go. As hard as it may be for you to let your daughter and the father make the decision, that's exactly what you need to do. If you and your husband push your daughter towards abortion or adoption and she chooses to proceed in order to make you happy, she will end up hating you. Think this out for a few weeks, talk to your husband. Come up with a plan. What are you willing to do for your daughter and for this baby? Tell your daughter and let her make an informed decision.

I wish you and your family the best of luck. You will get through this one way or another.

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N.H.

answers from Omaha on

I'm 22 and do not have a teenage daughter. Though I do remember those years quite well. I can't imagine being 15 and pregnant. School and friends. The quite whispers behind her back in the hallways. I'm sorry for her situation. If your daughter is in someway proud of her circumstance. Shame on her. I am not bashing singles mothers in anyway, my mother was one to three of us, and I respect her for coming through for us kids when my father left. But it is not easy alone. Your daughter is too young too marry and I doubt it's a very loving relationship in the first place if they were stupid enough to make a baby. She needs to weigh her options. So what if she insists upon keeping this baby. Most fifteen year olds are insisting to wear short skirts and go to homecoming and stay out late! I doubt very much your daughter knows what it's like to raise a child. Are you going to be a grandmother or a mother all over again? Your daughter might feel more grown up having a child, and I'm definately not saying abortion. But adoption is a option that is wonderful. There are so many people out there in want and need of a beautiful baby. Good structured homes. Husbands and Wifes working together. Mature adults in need of babies. If your daughter(and you)decide to go ahead and keep this baby, good luck. It gonna be tough on all of you. Babies are hard work as you know. Tell your daughter to finish school. That's very important. Get her into a group of people in her similar situation. So she doesn't feel alone. Keep the father in the loop. Make him be involved. My prayers go out to you. And may you all be in good health and love each other.

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J.W.

answers from Louisville on

Hey R.,
I am new to this site but wanted to lend my 2 cents on this subject. I am 30 years old and my daughter is 16 and has a 1year old daughter her self. I felt the same way when she told me she was pregnant. I new it was my fault and had no clue as to what we were going to do next. I believe that each person should be able to make her own mind up on if she should keep it or not. I talked with my daughter very openly about boys and sex before this happened. She knew what could and would happen if she had sex.
So, she decided to have the baby and it almost killed her. She had a very hard time with swelling during and after. She had a harder time with the after birth and almost bleed to death. Once we got home and all was fine with her health, I went baxk to work. She stayed home with Gracie and was not able to return to school. Let me tell you, she cried everyday. School was something that she loved! And it likked her not being able to go back. Short of it all, she is going back to school this year and she and Gracie are doing well. I guess what you do is between your family and your daughter b/c it doesnt just effect her. It has to do with your whole house. It will be hard no matter what you do. I can just say for me and my daughter, her having and keeping the baby was the right chioce for us. It's sad to say but this has been the best form of bith control for her. She understands what I have been telling her for years. I'm just sorry that she had to learn the hard way. But, don't we all.

Keep your head up and your heart and mind open. It will come to you. Best of luck and wishies to you and yours! :)
J.

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C.R.

answers from Louisville on

Hey R.!
This may sound strange but if your 15 year old(likely immature) daughter wants to keep the baby, I think you've raised a good girl. Mistakes do happen but if she's willing to deal with it then I think you should stand beside her. As far as charges against the guy go, well it sounds like you know him pretty well. You did let him come to your house and you knew they were friends. As long as she was consenting I think you should let the charges go. Time with a pregnant girlfriend and then a baby will really let you know what kind of person he really is.
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!

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K.C.

answers from Cedar Rapids on

I hate to say this but I agree with your hubby there this boy should be taught that he cant touch or have sex with girls that are under 18.Actually pressing charges on him might be the best thing for him.Because more than likley he wont be around to help take care of this baby and as i see it he broke a promise to u when he said he would not touch her.I dont see where it is your fault but from now on keep a good eye on who the kids are with.As far as her keeping the baby i cant say what is right for your daughter but just make sure she understands this is not going to be easy and as her parents and she keeps this baby make her take care of it as much as she can when she finds it hard she might think twice before doing it again i hope.Goodluck

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C.J.

answers from Lexington on

As a post-abortive mom, I regret my decision. Monica would have been 13 this year. I have yet to meet a post-abortive mom who does NOT regret her abortion!
To echo what the other moms have said - be supportive and forgiving. It may be that God's plan for you is not what you had in mind. That has sure happened a lot in my life! Think about helping your daughter be the best mom that she can be. I would embrace this new role as grandparent and with your head held high, be confident that God will get you through this. It will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end...

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A.O.

answers from Evansville on

Pressing charges would be really bad for this guy. When my husband was 18, he had a 15 year old girlfriend. He didn't get her pregnant, but her father found out and pressed charges. Now at age 26, he still has to register as a sex offender and he has been turned down for several jobs because of his record. As for your daughter, I don't know what school she goes to, but a few schools in Evansville offer day care to the students, so she can still graduate. Things will be a little bit harder for her, but I'm sure everything will be okay.

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D.W.

answers from Sioux Falls on

Be the best mom you can be. Make sure that she knows what she is getting into go to some classes I think siouv vally has them. That way she knows that it's not going to be easy being a mom.

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J.H.

answers from Lexington on

I think that this is going to be one of the hardest times in both of your lives. My advice is to be her rock. I know sometimes it will be hard because you have a bigger picture in mind. Also, try to give her advice without being critical or judgemental. There are going to be enough people who are being both of those and she will need a rock. Right now she may be thinking the boyfriend is the rock but who knows how long he will be there. Also, don't blame yourself. Don't blame anyone. This is just what happened. If you had forbid them to be together they would have done it behind your back. Then she might not have come to you about this at all.
I got pregnant my first year of college with a man I thought was going to be with me forever. But it didn't take long for him to split. Having my mother there with open arms made everything alot more tolerable. My daughter is now 2 years old and I am married to a wonderful man who is the only father she has ever known. Things will work out, we may not be able to see how but we can trust that they will. Make sure she is well informed. The more knowledge she has the more she will feel in control of the situation and that will give her peace of mind. Good luck! You are in my prayers

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A.S.

answers from Fort Wayne on

My advice would be to be there for her. I was in a similar situation when I was 16. My boyfriend was older than I was. I hate to say it, but we told my parents anything to be together. It was innocent at first, but what would you have liked her to do? Come to you when she started to get feelings for him? For you to tell her not to & stop them from seeing each other? She Knew what she was doing, just like I did. I did keep my daughter & today she's 8 yrs old. She changed my life. I would not be the responsible young lady I am today if it wasn't for her. I am attending college now, since she's in grade school. And haven't even gotten to the best part, you're going to be a grandmother! Congratulations! I Know it may seem really hard to believe, but if your daughter wants to keep the baby, she will. Whether or not you want to see your first grandchild grow up, although you may be younger than you'd hoped, I pray you cherish every minute of it. I know it was hard on my siblings. which I do feel badly about.now that we're older, my sister has told me that she felt like no matter what she did, my daughter always got more attention than She did. So make sure to spend more time with your children than the grandchild... :) I truly hope everything goes well. you may still have the perfect life. Its sounds like you have a lot of love in your family. My dad was a little more distant, but he has come around very lovingly. this is the same man who the 1st response was for me to get an abortion. There are hard times! I Don't want to make it sound like a walk in the park. there was a lot of crying... some screaming... a lot of sleepless nights, but everyone has hardships in life, not just young mothers. you can have your daughter email me if she need ANYTHING! I would be more than happy to help. She could even talk to my daughter if she wanted. Sorry for rattling on, I just don't want you to feel like your a bad mom or your life is over. Think of it as a new chapter. you have more strength than you feel right now. God Bless!

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S.

answers from Des Moines on

My sister-in-law found herself pregnant at 15 years old and my husband's family was supportive of both her and the baby's father. In thinking about their experience, I'd say what everyone else has: be supportive of your daughter, encourage her to communicate with you (and you with her), and try to include the boyfriend/father as much as you are able. My sister-in-law's story has a happy ending, and I wish the same for you and your family.

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K.M.

answers from Indianapolis on

I think the best thing you can do right now is think about this child that is going to be coming soon. I know you husband is upset, and has every right to be because in his eyes his little girl has been violated. But there is nothing you can do to take it back now. You can't blame yourself for letting your daughter be friends with this guy. They could have done this whether or not you allowed them to be friends.
I think the best thing is not to add more stress to the situation for your daughter as much as I am sure it is hard not to be mad at her for putting herself in this situation. At this point she is going to have to grow up and become a woman faster than she probably realizes. She needs you and your husband to be supportive now. This gentleman that she got involved with is still a child and it is hard to say whether he will stay or not. Hopefully for his child's sake he will, the best thing you and your husband can do is show them how to be a family and be supportive of both of them.
I work at a hospital where we get quite a few young mothers and as much as a baby sounds wonderful and neat, it is hard on them once the baby is actually born. She will need you to help her. I just had twins of my own and I still need my momma for help, and I am so glad that she has been here to help and support me. That is the role you need to play now for your daughter and grandchild's sake. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck and congratulations. I know since your daugher is unwed and a teen mom most people won't say that, but you are going to be a grandmother of a beautiful baby. Enjoy it.

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L.K.

answers from Omaha on

My family has been through this as well my older sister got pregnant not being married( she was 21 but pyschologically 15 y.o.) which in our family was a huge mistake. My sister decided to keep the baby and the family help raised him. He was a good student in school and I could not imagine waht it would be liked without him as my nephew(actually he is like my little brother). I am a pro-lifer and don't suggest abortion for anyone. But you need to give you daughter support for her to make the decision and letting her know that all actions have consequences some good and some bad. Don't make any hasty decisions as you still have time to make a well thought out decision. Pressing charges might make your husband feel better but remember it takes two to tango. Your daughter has responsibility here as well. Also, if your daughter does keep the baby and not give up for adoption she is going to need the baby's father support financially as well. Babies are not cheap to raise in addition he will be part of this baby's life forever. You and your husband need to address and deal with your emotions before helping your daughter make one if not the most important decision of her life. She needs all the support and unconditional love you can give her. Pregnacy is hard on anyone but harder for a teenager. Remember she is scared and afraid right now. Possibly try to find a group that has teens who have gone through a pregnacy to help her understand her feeling are normal. Talking with a teen who has kept her baby, one who gave her baby for adoption and one who is much older than a teen (I say around 30's who had an abortion as a teenager). This would allow her to see and ask questions to help her make her decision. Support whatever decision she makes or she will blame you in the future to force her to do this or that. Remember every mistake a child make they need to learn from. My prayers are with you and especially your daughter in this rough time. God Bless.

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R.

answers from Indianapolis on

Hello R.,
Well first of all, it is too late to be mad or angry, the act is over and she is already pregnant.The only thing you can do at this point is support her, you don't have to like what has happened, but it happened and now you need to love her and make sure she is healthy and that she will have a place to live and raise her child. Make her be responsible, but don't totally take her childhood away, understand that even though she is pregnant and going to be a mom doesn't mean she isn't still a young child. Yes she made a mistake, but move on from here, and just for the record, there are no perfect families, only families that love and support each other, and that is all you can do. Don't make the mistake of punishing that young man, you'll need his child support, make sure you file for paternity and support, yes it is against the law in Indiana, but really do you want to upset your daughter more and push her towards him and make her angry with you, No you want to make sure she is safe and the baby is safe, like I said before, it is too late to stop what has already happened.
Move on and work through it, help her understand how hard it is too be a mom especially a young mom, let her know the financial responsibilities involved.
Goodluck, you'll make it through, just have faith in yourself and your husband!!!

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M.A.

answers from Omaha on

I really feel for you and what your family is going through right now. Please don't make any rash decisions at this time. You and your husband are going through a lot of emotions right now and my advise is to get through those emotions before making any decisions. Whether or not this guy is a good person or a sleaze bag that you dont' want your daughter with, what's done is done and alienating him will only make her run to him faster. Please keep in mind that she is probably terrified and needs nothing more at this point than parents who are there for her and still love her regardless of any wrong choices she may have made. I know this from experience....if she knows that you are there for her, she will eventually see him for who he is.
Good luck to all of you.

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A.C.

answers from Evansville on

I was 17 when I got pregnant. I chose not to keep it, which I have regreted ever since, but that is another story. My father hardly talked to me for the next three years because I disappointed him. He also physically threatened my boyfriend. I found out later that he was going to breakup with me, but when my dad told him to stay away from me, he dug his heels in and stayed to prove to my dad he could do whatever he wanted. I am glad to say that we eventually got married, but had my dad just delt with me, my husband would have been out of my life within a few weeks. The best advice I can give is to support your daughter as best you can. You may want to see if she can do volunteer work at a daycare with infants to get a taste of what is to come. Wake her up several times through the night as if she was waking to feed the baby. Plus she will still have to go to school during the day. It may make her rethink her choice. Hope this helps. A.

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H.H.

answers from Cedar Rapids on

My heart goes out to you I know that you have some rough times ahead of you. My little girl is only 8 months so I can't relate to having a teenage daughter however, when I was 15 I had a 18 year old boyfriend and my Father told me to choose between him and my boyfriend I chose my boyfriend and my father and I no longer speak(obiviously there were other issues with my Dad but this was the final blow to our relationship) I am now 26 and in my opinion if you forbid this guy she will shut you out and chose him. As you know, she has a lot of emotional days ahead of her so just be there for her. Good Luck!

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C.M.

answers from Sioux Falls on

I guess the thing you need to think about most is your daughter. Kids make mistakes I know ALL my friends had babies at 15 yes that is 3 girls at the age of 15 were all mothers. I am sure it is hard for you to deal with but if you just be loving and supportive then it will work out for you , your husband, and most inportantly for your daughter. As far as pressing charges? Do you think this boy has taken advantage of your daughter? do you think he will be there to support her and love her? that is the what you need to think about not the fact that you and your husband are angry at him and are now placed in a bad situation. if you feel this boy loves your daughter and will take care of her then I wouldnt press charges all it will do is make your daughter angry with you. but on the other hand if you feel he has taken advantage of your daughter then maybe you need to consider pressing charges on him. All my friends that had babies young are in their 30's now and if you ask them if they would have made a different choice every one of them would say "not for the world" they love their children and they have worked very hard to raise them on their own becaue not all their mothers were so supportive of their decisions. being a teen is hard enough but being a teen and pregnant is horrifying and would be even worse with a strained relationship with her parents?

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K.D.

answers from Louisville on

Hello,
The bottom line is..........
in the big big picture babies are blessings! take care and remember the Universe knows what its doing!!!!

K.

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J.B.

answers from Evansville on

Your situation is not an easy one but bottom line is the damage is already done and she can't take it back. Be supportive. SHe is going through a really tough and emotional time right now. She needs you and your husband and whether you want to believe it the boyfriend as well. If he is willing to stick around, I say let him. Its hard enough to get a father to step up these days. What he did was wrong. HE can't change that now though so let him take some responsibility. Pressing charges, although it feels like it may be the right thing, could ruin a good thing. A good father at that. You don't want him to resent getting your daughter pregnant any more than he may already in the future. Those charges can make the difference in what kind of a job he will get to support your grandchild. As hard as it may be you need to think ahead to the future. As for today, just love her, be by her side. She needs you most!

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M.

answers from Elkhart on

R.,
Whoa! Back up girl, you still have the wonderful family you thought. Tell hubby to sit down and repress his testosterone for awhile. Nothing either of you did made this girl have sex. I have two grown daughters and two grown sons and trust me they are all different. First everyone needs to be calm and get a sitter for your other children and call the boys parents and have a meeting of the minds. You might want to make a list of issues that need to be discussed but importantly both sets of parents need to refrain from blaming the other or the blaming the other kid for enticing the other into this. The parents are not to blame. These are two teenagers that are almost adults. They knew the possible ramifications of their actions. Now they both need to step up to the plate and decide how to handle it. You do not say how old your other child is. You have to be careful of how you handle this because of the long time effect on your other child(ren). You need to make it known that you and your husband did not condone this but you love this girl and will help point her on the right path. She needs to be left with and infant for a week (supervised) to see if this is what she really wants and if she has the instinct for going to school, and being a mother. She is to totally be the caretaker for the baby without any assistance from the supervisor unless she does something that might harm it. She and this boy need to be involved in the discussion with the parents as to who will handle the finances, the doctor visits, and everything else. You all just have to refrain from from saying the dreaded words "You need to do this." Make them be adults and force their opinions so the reality sets in on them. Most of all don't offer to keep the baby for them. That sets you up for a life of living hell and will definately impact the other children you and your husband have. Blended families are hard I do know I had one. You don't say if the young man is in school, working? Just whatever you do don't suggest these two marry. That is the worst thing in the world. If you want to e-mail me send it to [email protected]____.com as this post is real long. Keep me posted.

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H.M.

answers from Indianapolis on

It appears from your message that you and your daughter have a pretty open relationship - which will help during this and the trying times to come! Keep the lines of communication open - - keep talking with her!

Now, for advice much better that I can personally provide, you may want to check out some crisis pregnancy centers in your area. They can provide so many resources for both your daughter and you/the family. Not knowing where you live, you can check out pregnancycenters.org or call 1-800-395-HELP - someone is available 24/7.

I hope you and your daughter take the time to check this out, and I wish you all the best!

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A.M.

answers from Louisville on

This is tough, I am sure... my daughters are just 3 and 2 months old- I cannot imagine what you are going through. I was 17 when I got pregnant and it was not and has not been easy. But, I am managing okay. My children changed my life and in a way, saved it. My girls' father has been with me every step of the way and supported me and our kids. He is 3, almost 4, years older than me. My parents were livid when I finally got up the courage to tell them. But, now they respect me and my fiance for our choices. Yes, I had to grow up fast and miss out on a lot but I am a great mother. If your daughter wants to keep her child, you should respect her decision. I know it may be hard because she is only 15 but this is a decision she needs to make. Just be there for her, emotionally & physically and support her and most of all let her know you and your husband love her. If the father wants to be involved, you should let him. I know you & your husband both probably feel like killing him for ruining your daughters life but in a way, that is selfish. If you do not accept him, you may ruin your grandchilds life because it may have to go through life without a father. When you get in a bad sitsuation, all you can do is try to make the best out of it. As a young mother, I learned a lot quick. If you need anything, feel free to contact me, or your daughter may contact me. I probably know what she is going through. My email is [email protected]____.com... I hope this helps you some. Good luck on whatever your family decide, A.

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J.R.

answers from Charleston on

R.,
I have been where your daughter is. I was 16 and pregnant with my son. He is now almost 11 yrs old and such a blessing to me. At the time when I had him...I allowed my parents to adopt him, so that I could finish being a teenager. I was of course much more different than most teenagers where, but I still went to proms and all the normal stuff kids that age do.So much happened shortly after my son was born...for one I was scared to death! The father was 15 at the time...yes 15...no job no way to help and just as I ...not a clue! But I was so greatful for my mom...she stood by me...and helped me so much during the pregnacy I had a job and I bought and paid for most of his bedding and furniture, I got a crash course in responsibilty for sure. But after he was born, I lost my older brother, and mom and I both had such a void, and as crazy as this sounds, my mom adopted my son when he was 10 months old. Now I eventually went off and got married and Shawn stayed with my mom, he has grown up knowing that he is special because he has two mommies and such a warm loving family. My son now lives with me and my b/f and I am very much a part of his life...more so than my mom is at this point. He calls me mom and everything. I being in that same situation would not change a thing about how it all went. My son is the most understanding and caring child I have ever met. He has so much wisdom for being 10 and yet such a playfulness like a the child he is. God blessed me and my family with my son...He saved my life so many times. I was a torubled teen befour I got pregnant, and I did a total 360 on everyoen and grew up. Since you daughter has chosen to have the baby( which I think is wonderful) then try to be there to suport her, the young man that is the father may very well turn out to be a stand up guy and help her with him. You are a mom and no one knows better than you what your daughter will be going through. Stay by her side and you will gain more than just a beautiful grandchild, you will end up with a closer relationship with your daughter than you could have ever dreamed of. If you would like to talk more about it just email me I would love to talk to you more.
Good luck , and take care ~ J. R

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C.G.

answers from Evansville on

Hello R....

My heart goes out due to the bad news you never wanted to hear. No point in pressing charges...the damage is already done. Only thing that will accomplish is making it harder for the dad to work to pay child support. Sit your daughter down...alone...and have a heart to heart talk. At 15..(we should know)..shes gonna act as if she already knows everything. Explain to her...that she will miss out on a lot of things...due to she cant find a sitter.
This is gonna take some unconditional-tough love....good luck hun!!

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M.C.

answers from Davenport on

MY NAME IS M. AND I UNDERSTAND HOW YOUR FEELING . IT GOING TO BE VERY HARD ON ALL OF YOU IF SHE KEEPS THE BABY. I BEEN THERE EXCEPT I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY.DON'T THINK THAT IT IS YOUR FALT THAT SHES HAVING A BABY
BELIEVE ME IF YOU HAD NOT OF LET THEM BE FREINDS AND HANG OUT TOGETHER THEY WOULD HAVE FOUND A WAY TO BE TOGETHER .THE ONE THING I THINK I NEED THE MOST WHEN I WAS PREGNET WAS MY MOM BUT SHE WAS NEVER THER FOR ME . JUST BE THERE FOR HER AND TRY TO SUPPORT HER PLANS . IT WILL BE HARD FOR EVERYONE BUT JUST BREATH AND EVERY THING WILL BE OKAY . SHE NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU AND DAD WILL STAND BEHIND HER WHAT EVER SHE DOES . THERE IS ALL KINDS OF HELP OUT THERE IF SHE WANTS TO KEEP THE BABY .THERE IS ALSO ALL KINDS OF HELP IF SHE GIVES THE BABY UP FOR ADOPTION . I KEPT MY LITTLE GIRL AND MARRIED HER DAD WHEN I WAS 16 . I'M NOT SAYING THAT WHAT SHE SHOULD DO MARRIE THE GUY THAT IS . IF I HAD TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN I WOULD NOT OF MARRIED HER DAD . I DON'T THINK THATS A REASON TO GET MARRIED ANY MORE . I DID BACK THEN BECAUSE HE WAS MY WAY OUT OF MY PARENTS HOUSE . JUST PLEASE WHAT EVER YOU DO DON'T LET HER STOP GOING TO SCHOOL . I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU OUT IF YOU WANT TO TALK JUST EMAIL ME .

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C.G.

answers from Fort Wayne on

R., I'm sure you must be heartbroken for your 'little girl' who is now going to be a mommy at such a tender age. Please don't let her think though that she ruined your image of a perfect family. We ALL make mistakes!!! (I got pregnant at 27 out of wedlock, and my mom was still angry at me!!!) She needs your support and love now more than ever!!! I would reccommend going to places like A Hope Center that will help her learn about pregnancy and earn baby items at the same time. She will need you to help her stay in school, watch the baby if you can, and make a future for herself and the baby, and the father, who will hopefully stick around. All babies are blessings from above, and this one is no different!!:) Take care, and let us know how things progress.....
C. G.

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J.S.

answers from Louisville on

I am 28 and a mother of 2 little girls 3 and 4. However when I turned 16 I got my own apartment and started working a full time job after school. I was also now responsible for my little brother, had been since I was about 14. I ended up dropping out my senior year because one job just wasn't enough to pay the bills and provide the things my brother needed. I am never sorry for the decisons that I made, I believe it made me stronger. I had friends that were there and a boyfriend that helped out also. (Who is now my husband) I know that in she is a little girl in your eyes. I understand that yes 18 is considered an adult. But I can remember being 18, we know this is still a child. With family support and there being programs to help her she can come out on top. I believe school is really important and college is the only way. When she does graduate high school she now can go to school and earn grants that do not have to be paid back. Once you have a child, and are 18 you qualify for college with no cost. There are also programs that will help her. 4 c's which will take care of childcare. Wic which take care of formula, juice, milk eggs. There is also passport to provide insurance for the mother and baby. I know this is not what we want for our children. But when your 15 and in love nothing else seems to matter. I hope that everything works out for your daughter and your family. With enough love and strength she can come out ahead. However the father I would at the very least make him help take care of the baby.

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H.M.

answers from Omaha on

You know I am a Pro-choice person...And I believe that is just this a Choice. She has to make the choice. You should present her with the options and the worse and best possible scenario for all three options. At that point it should be 100% HER decision. Not yours or anyone elses! Not even his. She needs to decide what she wants. As long as she is informed about her decision she can never turn around and say you never told me this, or you forced me to do this and I hate you, etc. If she does you can tell her honey, i told you your options and all the sides of each option. That was your decision. You shouldn't second guess yourself. You made the best possible decision at the time. That is what is best for your relationship.

You know I got preggers when i was 16 with my husband, boyfriend at the time though. We hid it from everyone. I was 3 months preggers and I miscarried. That is when i told my mother. She told him to wait on me hand and foot and take good care of me. She let us be alone. She never judged me. She let me talk about it when i was ready. Told me everything was gonna be ok. Took me to the dr on monday. Stood with me the whole time while they examined me. Smiled at me warmly. I had never loved her so much. I felt like a jerk for hiding it from her. I told her everything from then on out. I guess the moral of the story is she was so supportive and made me feel secure and that everything was gonna be ok. To this day I still think i have the best mother in the world. This was the perfect thing to do.

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A.B.

answers from Indianapolis on

dear worried mother,

i am really sorry about the predicament you are facing. I had a child at an early age.. there have been lots of problems with the father and i have had to depend on my parents for a LOT! that's not to say that my son hasn't turned out well and i have a great high-paying job, but it was a little difficult in the beginning. I definately don't think bringing charges is a smart idea. You want him to be around for the child. That would cause a huge rift in the family. And it's also not going to solve the problem. I'm not sure how you feel about abortion, but is it even an option? or adoption?
After I had my son, i began understanding why people have chose abortions. I love my son so much it hurts! And I would never take him back..I have had friends that have had abortions and it saved their life, and the unborn child.
As long as girls don't think of it as a method of birth control. Your daughter probably thinks that she is going to be with the father forever and live happily ever after; but unfortunately that's hardly the case. I wish i would have waited to have my son at least when i was 28.. your early 20's change you soo much.
Hope this helps

A.

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M.E.

answers from Lexington on

Legally your husband could press charhes on the boy, but would it really solve anything? She would still be pregnant. You probably could not have prevented this from happening. If you had forbid them to see each other, then she just would have snuck around and lied to be with him. The only thing you can really do is give all the love and support you possibly can to your daughter. She is gonna need it. I'm sure she is just as scared and confused as you are. I'm sure feels worse actually because she probably now feels like she has let you down and that you and her father are disappointed in her or worse ashamed of her. Just make sure that this boy is a father to his child...at least financially. legal action should be taken for that if need be. Also...i'd have her checked for STD's just to be on the safe side...she possibly could have gotten something from him besides a baby. hope everything works out for you and your family. I'll keep you in my prayers.

If your insurance will not cover her pregnancy...go to the cabinet for families and children. she can get a medical card for herself and then for the child once it is born. You can get her signed up for WIC and maybe food stamps to help lighten the financial load your family will be facing.

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S.S.

answers from Elkhart on

I know exactly what you're going through, only my daughter was only 13 and he was 17. My first instinct also was to press charges, choke him to death, bury him in my backyard next to the roses, lock her in the basement, scream, cry, lock myself in the basement. This is,at best, a confusing time right now, for not only you, but her as well. You cannot blame yourself, I think all mothers want to do nothing but trust their children and believe we have talked to them enough to teach them to always do what's right. It may be hard to take right now, and may be the scarriest thing to think about, but you will get through it. First of all, she obviously thinks she's in love with him so by pressing charges, you'll push her away and now is the time that she will need you the most. Don't talk bad about him, blame him, forbid her to see him, all the things you want to do. Do your very best to offer her support, you don't have to let him start calling you "Mom" and acting like his best friend, but tolerate him as much as you can for her sake. Also, find every book you can about all the changes that are going to go on with her body and in her life. Talk openly with her about everything that you, yourself went through and if possible find a support group for teen moms-to-be. Let her know you're there for her every step of the way, he may surprise you and actually step up to the plate and take responsibility, but don't hold your breath on it. If they start talking marriage, I would put my foot down on that one, explain to her that if they are still together when she becomes of age, then fine, but in the meantime, try to convince her to let you and your husband become the custodians of the baby right now so that your insurance will cover all medical expenses. Let her know that this does not mean you're taking the baby, you're just keeping all of you out of debt, including "the love of her life". She can always have custody back when she becomes 18. Unfortunately, my grandson passed away when he was 2 days old, we almost lost my daughter as well, and at the ripe old age of 14 she had to make the toughest decision of her life by giving them permission to take him off life support, because she was the mom. She's been through h--- and back, but is now the proud mother of twin girls and will be delivering her son Dec. 8th. She's been married for 4 years to a wonderful man and the love of her life that she thought she had 9 years ago, dumped her at the funeral home the day of their son's service. I know this is hard for you, but I know you can get through it, it seems we mothers find strength that we never knew we had. My daughter and I are the best of friends and I finally told her just recently how close her dad and I came to filing charges against that young man, she said she was glad that we didn't, because at that time, she would have run off in a heartbeat with him and we would never have seen her again. I truly believe that. Good luck to you, my prayers are with you, and you will find your untapped strength. S.

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