When my brother married his now ex-wife, she had a daughter that was just under a year old. My brother took on the father role to this child who he loved as though she was his own child. She has never before or since met her bio dad, so to her, my brother is her "father". When they divorced he had no rights for visitation since the child wasn't his and he could never find the bio dad to have him sign his rights away so that my brother could legally adopt. Plus, honestly my brother didn't think his wife was going to end up cheating on him and leaving him for another man...So, the mother, which I use that word loosely, kept the child from my brother as well as our entire family that had loved her all those years. She was completey shut off from us. We weren't allowed to call her, weren't invited or allowed to her school events or birthdays, gifts we sent were returned and presents for Christmas were taken and given to charity like GoodWill or Salvation Army as her mother would not permit her to keep anything from us. I really feel the child needs therapy, as she is now living with her grandparents and vows to never go back to visit her mother since she is now 18. We know the child has endured a very difficult childhood knowing her sibling was allowed to spend time with their "father" but she wasn't. She wasn't allowed to talk to her aunts, grandparents, cousins that she had grown up with. I feel horrible for not being able to do anything about it, not being able to convince the mother she was doing so much emotional damage to that child by keeping her from family as a child can never have too many people in their corner loving them and supporting them. Regardless if she was upset at my brother which she was the one who cheated, and moved in with another man in another state, maybe she was angry that the man she chose was a broke loser, and my brother did nothing but work hard to provide for her so she didn't have to work, but she had to be the bread winner with her new boyfriend...maybe she hated my brother for not fighting for her. He didn't care for her once she ran off with another man, he just cared for his children, which he NEVER differentiated between his biological child and his step-child. Has anyone gone through this, have family that went through this, what do you do or say to make sure this child knows even if she is grown that we never stopped loving her and wanted to do more to let her know this but we were scared that if we pushed too much then the mother might do something stupid and keep us from seeing my brother's biological child too or punish that child in order to punish our family...any suggestions would be helpful. It's been so long, I don't know what she likes, what she is interested in, how to start a conversation because she was 10 the last time I got to really hang out with her and now she is grown, and applying for colleges. I remember that little girl I used to dance with and be silly with and swim with and I've missed so much and it just breaks my heart that I wasnt' there for her, but I couldn't be, I wasn't allowed.
Thank you all so very much. I called my brother and he finally called her maternal grandparents and they just got her a new cell since she's never had one before since her mom felt she would use it to call us. I got the number and to start slowly I just sent a text saying I missed her and glad she is in town and hope we can hang out soon. She wrote back that she was so happy to hear from me and that her grandmother was actually going to talk to my brother about us going to eat this weekend. I am soo excited. Then my brother said that she called him to tell him how happy she was to hear from me and to have a way to call him now and that nephew made sure to tell her we never stopped talking about her and how we love her always. thanks again!
Perhaps you could write her a letter? Explain how you have missed her and would love to meet with her to hang out & get to know each other again. Let her decide if/when she is ready to do this. She might be excited about it, or she may need some time to think about it. Just let her know your family is there for her when she's ready.
Dear J., Your story makes me so sad. This girl is so lucky to have you in her life.
I agree with Jennifer and Sandy: Can you write a letter telling her that you never stopped loving her and that you and the family are always there for her. I would not criticize anyone in the letter, because I assume she is very unsure of things and what is real. Does that make sense?
Don't stop writing letters. Keep it up. It is our job as mommas to chase after our kids or nieces etc...to let them know they are unconditionally loved no matter what.
Good for caring. I hope and pray she is able to receive all you have to give.
Blessings, Jilly
My husband was kept from a large portion of his family for a long time. It meant a lot to him when he found out his grandparents had kept tabs on him the best they could and wanted to see him. I would write her a letter and just let her know that you have loved her and missed her so much, and now that she's 18, you want her to know you all would love to see her -- now that she's old enough and the decision is hers. Tell her you have never stopped being her family even if you weren't allowed to see her! I hope it works out for you.
Well thats sad..I am close to tears. Well maybe I overlooked it in your question BUT I guess now you are able to get in contact with her?
I would do so. Don't put down the mother no matter what. It might make your niece feel that she has to feel protective towards her mother.
Just be with her now. Let her know you love her..and always have and always will. You love is uncondtional. Don't become bitter towards the mom which would be very easy to become bitter. Become bitter is never good.
Look this young woman needs you in her life. She needs some positive role models. Include her with family activities..It might take her awhile to feel comfortable with you guys again. Good luck.
What you've written would work very well in a greeting card to your niece:
"I remember you as that little girl I used to dance with and be silly with and swim with. I've missed you so much and have wished for years, and wonder whether you'd like to reconnect?"
Then follow through with similar notes, perhaps for birthdays and holidays at first if she seems unsure about responding. Keep all your messages kind, positive, and non-critical. Don't push too hard, because she may have been given all sorts of reasons not to trust you. Give it time. Keep your heart and your arms open.
Be aware, too, that you may be asking for some real trouble, from your niece or her mother, by inviting her back into your life. If she needs counseling, you could become the recipient of some dysfunctional behavior (I've been in that situation more than once). Not saying you shouldn't go for it, though. You may be a real blessing to this young woman.
Get her address and write your thoughts like you do now and send her a letter expressing your love for her and maybe in time, she will get the story from your end and re-connect with you. Email or text message will work too I guess if you have that info
If you know wher she is, call her tonight! Call her and tell her how much you love her and always have! Don't bash her mother. Just let her know that you were not permited into her life, and how it broke your heart. But you are available NOW and would love to have a relationship with her.
Do it now! We never know how many tomorrows we have. Call her and tell her you love her and have always wanted her in your life!!
