Advice on Cutting

I teach 8th graders, am a youth leader in our church and have gotten very close to a lot of my kids. This is such a common thing. It's completely psychological. It's not that they like hurting themselves. They do it for several reasons depending on the person: *it's a control issue much like an eating disorder, and it's the only thing they feel they can control themselves *when they are hurt by someone or angry, they haven't really learned what to do with those feelings. They feel a relief from that hurt, pain, stress, anger by cutting *very rarely do they do it for attention purposes, but it still is a slight possibility.

You need to just be there for him. Talk to him every day and not always about cutting. Talk to him about his feelings and help him understand them and how to handle them. If you see him get angry or upset, etc, be with him! He needs someone to help him figure out how to handle his feelings because that is the most common reason for doing this.

Don't even talk to him about the cutting unless you can tell he's wanting to talk about it. You'll get to where you can figure that out. You can also eventually find ways to get him to talk about it without you ever even bringing it up. Pay attention to what you do when you have those types of feelings and let him see your reactions (which means you really do need to pay attention to what you do).

It's a very sensitive issue, but he needs help from those close to him. Be a friend to him so he will come to you and talk to you about his feelings more. More than likely he has friends who do this too, so they are the influence he sees on how to react to the feelings he has. He needs someone more positive who knows how to handle the feelings. Don't bottle yours up. Show him how you really react when you get frustrated at mom or stressed about school or work. People handle things differently. Some journal, some listen to music really loud, some run, some scream (if you do that, you may want to make sure you aren't screaming AT someone :o). Be positive, and the most important thing you can do is love him through it all. Good luck.

N.,
Please talk with his counselor. Get the best way of supporting him possible. It's so good to hear that your love is unconditional.
My prayers are with you and your brother.
J

I used to date someone in high school that cut himself. It was very hard for both of us to deal with at such a young age. I do remember that it was hard for him to talk about and he didn't want to bring it up so I would advise not pushing the issue much outside of the counseling he is getting unless he brings it up (like someone else mentioned)or you see new behaviors that are negative. I know how you feel b/c if you don't cut it doesn't make sense to you (just like other self abusive behavior like eating disorders might not) it didn't make sense to me either but we all deal with pain differently. I agree that it is about control and this is his way of expressing control over something. I never pressured my guy to stop but couldn't handle that he started doing other things when the cutting wasn't enough to make him feel better. My boyfriend and I broke up while he was still doing this and his next way of gaining control was to join the army. Not that that's a bad thing but was out of character for him. I always kinda thought it was more about him looking for someone to guide or control him b/c he couldn't do it himself. I only point this out to say I agree with someone else that you should try to help him find a positive outlet for his stress release without making it feel like a pressure which could then make it feel like something he has to succeed at/perform for instead of fun. I would also say that it becomes a habit to cut and it can be hard to break even when the person really wants to so tons of patience will needed by you and your family. I have read more about cutting as I got older to help me deal with our relationship and help me understand what I went through with him. Good luck and a word of praise to you for taking this on. Be strong!

I don't have any experience with this, just wanted to say I'l keep you in prayer and I encourage you to find a church youth group for your brother. Just seems like he must be hurting inside if he's hurting himself outside, so the more he knows people care about him and that he's love unconditionally the better it would be for him.

Fellowship Church has a few campus around the area. There are other great churches too..... like Irving Bible Church.

http://www.fellowshipchurch.com/splash/

Good luck, you're a wonderful sister.

He reallly needs to get some professional help ASAP.
GL

N.,

You are a great sister. Please understand that it is in no way your responsibility to make your brother "better".

With that being said, you can try to introduce POSITIVE things into his life. I am sure so many people are talking to him about the cutting and what is wrong in his life and his past. I bet somebody being positive with him would make a world of difference.

Some positives...
Exercise
Spirituality
Religion
Something that his is good at (like if he is good at poetry, encourage him to write his poetry and send it in to contests.)

Stay strong with him, I am sure he will have his up and down days. But, remember, it is not your responsibility to make him "OKAY" again.

Hello N.,

I am sorry to hear about your brother. Please remember that God is the Great Physician, He is Healer. Remember to seek Him always for every decisions He will guide you in your path to help your brother. We need to be in constant forgiveness of others and forgiveness of ourselves which in turn will lead to healing of Jehovah Rapha. Here are some words from Moses himself.

Exodus 15
The Song of Moses and Miriam
1 Then Moses and the Israelites sang this song to the LORD :
"I will sing to the LORD,
for he is highly exalted.
The horse and its rider
he has hurled into the sea.

2 The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father's God, and I will exalt him.

3 The LORD is a warrior;
the LORD is his name.

4 Pharaoh's chariots and his army
he has hurled into the sea.
The best of Pharaoh's officers
are drowned in the Red Sea. [a]

5 The deep waters have covered them;
they sank to the depths like a stone.

6 "Your right hand, O LORD,
was majestic in power.
Your right hand, O LORD,
shattered the enemy.

7 In the greatness of your majesty
you threw down those who opposed you.
You unleashed your burning anger;
it consumed them like stubble.

8 By the blast of your nostrils
the waters piled up.
The surging waters stood firm like a wall;
the deep waters congealed in the heart of the sea.

9 "The enemy boasted,
'I will pursue, I will overtake them.
I will divide the spoils;
I will gorge myself on them.
I will draw my sword
and my hand will destroy them.'

10 But you blew with your breath,
and the sea covered them.
They sank like lead
in the mighty waters.

11 "Who among the gods is like you, O LORD ?
Who is like you—
majestic in holiness,
awesome in glory,
working wonders?

12 You stretched out your right hand
and the earth swallowed them.

13 "In your unfailing love you will lead
the people you have redeemed.
In your strength you will guide them
to your holy dwelling.

14 The nations will hear and tremble;
anguish will grip the people of Philistia.

15 The chiefs of Edom will be terrified,
the leaders of Moab will be seized with trembling,
the people [b] of Canaan will melt away;

16 terror and dread will fall upon them.
By the power of your arm
they will be as still as a stone—
until your people pass by, O LORD,
until the people you bought [c] pass by.

17 You will bring them in and plant them
on the mountain of your inheritance—
the place, O LORD, you made for your dwelling,
the sanctuary, O Lord, your hands established.

18 The LORD will reign
for ever and ever."

19 When Pharaoh's horses, chariots and horsemen [d] went into the sea, the LORD brought the waters of the sea back over them, but the Israelites walked through the sea on dry ground. 20 Then Miriam the prophetess, Aaron's sister, took a tambourine in her hand, and all the women followed her, with tambourines and dancing. 21 Miriam sang to them:
"Sing to the LORD,
for he is highly exalted.
The horse and its rider
he has hurled into the sea."
The Waters of Marah and Elim
22 Then Moses led Israel from the Red Sea and they went into the Desert of Shur. For three days they traveled in the desert without finding water. 23 When they came to Marah, they could not drink its water because it was bitter. (That is why the place is called Marah. [e] ) 24 So the people grumbled against Moses, saying, "What are we to drink?"

25 Then Moses cried out to the LORD, and the LORD showed him a piece of wood. He threw it into the water, and the water became sweet.
There the LORD made a decree and a law for them, and there he tested them. 26 He said, "If you listen carefully to the voice of the LORD your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the LORD, who heals you."

27 Then they came to Elim, where there were twelve springs and seventy palm trees, and they camped there near the water.

Our prayers will be on you and your family. Please do keep us posted.

Peace and blessings

C.
Inspiring the Wellness In You!
www.pebblecrossing.com

Just wanted to say that he is a lucky young man to have such a caring & compassionate sister! I don't have any experience or advice to share, but I just had to commend you. Your love and prayers will work wonders - and there is some great advice below!

God bless you and yours!

If/when it ever recurs, in spite of the counseling, UBH (University Behavioral Health) in Denton is a good treatment center. My 14 year old just spent 9 days there, and she's in a good place now, very motivated to healing.
Check into Spirit Horse in Corinth. There's a valuable source of empowerment to be gained there that doesn't involve self-harm.

When I taught high school, I saw this quite a bit with children this age. It is a physical way of expressing their inner pain. You are already on the right track by getting him counseling and by not judging him.

The parent of one of my students who did this found something for his daughter to take interest in outside the school and family, something that was all her own. She picked the activity and she chose horseback riding. She told me that she loved doing it and that it made her feel better. You might try to find something for your brother to get involved in like this. Let him come up with it but some ideas are martial arts, music lessons, art classes, volunteering, rock climbing, etc. He can make some new friends who don't know about whatever it is that has caused him to do this in the first place and he might meet a good mentor or role model.

Whatever he chooses, it should be something that lets him blow off steam and rid himself of stress. If he finds some other way to deal with his pain, he won't feel the need to cut himself anymore.
God bless you for caring for your brother and I hope he finds the peace he is looking for.

All you can do is pray for him and always be there for him. Makesure you let him know that you love him and it really hurts you to see him going through this hard times. Always be there for him to just want to talk. Let him know that he is special and that he means the world to you.

The counseling sounds like you areon theright path. I've heard that when kids are in so much pain emotionally about something, that they do this sometimes as the pain of the cut takes it away from the hurt they feel otherwise. I don't really know anyone, but heard this, so hope the counseling helps soon.

First let me praise you on taking your little brother in. I am the oldest of 4 little brothers and all but one has come to live with me at some point.. I am kind of like the transitioning period after High School when they are trying to figure out what to do with their lives as well as the 3 month long summer fun get away! As hard as this time is try to enjoy having him. Most big sisters do not have the blessed opportunity to have the one on one time to bond with their little bro's. So.. now on to cutting.. I assume something traumatic has happened to him?? People who cut are doing it because they feel an immense amount of emotional pain (which literally feels like it is coming from inside your heart and head) your little brother does not know how to escape or "release" that "inside" pain so the cutting cause's an actual pain and the bleeding symbolizes the release of the pain. A physical injury is much less painful and much more manageable then an emotional injury. Cutting is his way of dealing with the emotional pain and also a way of diverting his own attention from the emotional hurt. Make sure that he has a good counselor and goes on a consistent basis. It is not likely that you will find the right counselor on the first try.. you might have to try a few before finding the right fit for your little brother. Are your parents around to help or any other family members? How much older are you then your brother? You two will be in our prayers! Good Luck! If you have any other questions please feel free to contact me.