Advice on Age of Teen Dating

Wow! Okay, J.... if Jackie didn't scare you, she scared me!!! LOL!!! I have 3 girls and this is NOT something that I am looking forward to. I don't think that there is a set age...I think it has to do with their maturity level, and unfortuantly for you, you have three sisters all the same age who may have completely different maturity levels. And it is not just sex that we have to worry about... it is also common sense! For instance, my parents would not let me date until I could drive and not just 'drive' but drive a stick shift. This was in case I was ever with someone who was drinking or unable to drive. I would not be 'stuck' somewhere. Even if it was a truck with a stick shift... I could drive myself. I also had to know how to change a tire and 'navigate' around our city. I knew the parts of town that I was NOT allowed to go for safety reasons. My mother 'attempted' to prepare me for sex, but it was all so sterile and formal. She didn't talk about 'feelings' or emotions I might feel and how to THINK through them. The other thing my Mother didn't talk to me about was my GUT. It is something I am definitely going to talk to my girls about. I want them to know that if something doesn't feel 'right'.. it probably isn't!!! And they do not have to feel embarrassed or scared to reacte to those feelings.
We can't be with them all of the time... and we can't keep them from getting hurt but we can prepare them as much as possible. Now, my husband on the other hand... plans on putting GPS tracking systems in their cars and if he could, he would implant them with a micro chip!!! If it were up to him, we would spend every minute they were gone 'monitoring' their every move!!!LOL!!!! But that is just not possible.
Another thing that I plan on doing is making sure that my girls have a FULL support system. If they find themselves in a situation and need help or even support (someone to just listen)... I have a set of friends that my girls know that they can talk to without any consequences. I do it for one of my friends now who has a 16 and 14 year old. But it's HARD to hear some of the things that they are saying without telling my friend. Sometimes, I just have to... for safety reasons. But a lot of the times I don't.. and they feel safe talking to me. When I know it is something that I HAVE to tell their mother... we usually decide to tell her together. Anyway.. that's what I plan on doing... good LUCK! And tell your 19 year old Marine DAUGTHER, THANK YOU! You must be so proud!!! (My 9 year old is already convinced that she will be a Marine... Lord knows that I will worry about her, but I would be so proud to call her my daughter!!)
Happy New Year!!!!

Dear J. P, I have been there and done that. When I was growing up My dad would not let me go anywhere. I was 15 yrs old and had never been out, with his consent that is. I would be sneaking out at night with any excuse I could think of just to be with friends. My daddy picked my first date when I was 16 and it was a double date with his best freinds son and his girfriend. It was a blind date. This boy was fat and ugly. UGH!!!!!! This went on and on. But later in the year my parents divorced. Then it was just me and my mom. One day my momma sat me down and told me she knew that I needed friends and that she never agreed with my father on his rules but she was not allowed to express her ideas. But since it was just me and her she was now in charge and she wanted me to first and formost let me know that she trusted me. She told me about boys and things that I could expect and that I had to decide what was right and wrong. She met my friends, talked with the parent, and the ones she felt that could not be trusted we talked about it and then I deceided what to do. She told me she trusted me until I gave her a reason not too trust me. At that point she became my best friend. She said I would learn from my own mistakes. I messed up a couple of times but I was learning because there were things I did not know about. She walked me through my whole life on her trust in me and my trust in her. I always had a quarter on my in case I got in a suituation I did not want to be in so I could call her and she would come and get me. So I am going to say that if your girls know that you trust them and that you are always there for them. that alone will give them incentive to do right and will tell you when there is a problem so you can walk them through it. Let them know that you care where they are, what they are doing and who they are doing it with and when you expect them home. I raised 7 kids but I still asked my momma about things. My momma has been gone 4 yrs now. She awaits me in heaven now I sure miss her MY BEST FRIEND! All because she trusted me. Good luck! Tripletts? WOW V. Cash

I have a 4 year old daughter and am expecting twins in June (don't know the genders yet). I am hoping the following will suffice for my daughter, but only time will tell.
No dating until she's 16 and then it's only in groups until she's 18. If she wants to see a boy one on one, it's at my house while I am home.
Now certainly we cannot control our daughters and if they set off with their friends, you cannot be sure they stay there without some sort of tracking device. :-) However, I don't believe in complete freedom either. Random check-ins via cell phone or "drive by's" are perfectly fine in my book.
Good luck!

Hi J. P.

I am feeling your growing pains. I have a daughter who is 14 yrs. old and she occasionally asks to go to the movies with friends (all girls). I do allow her to go with the stipulation that I drop them off and pick them up.

Of course, she is at the age where boys are beginning to pique her interest and vice versa, but I have informed her, as well as any boy who may ask, that she is not allowed to date until she is 16 years old.

Of course she is anxious. In the mean time, I am the Youth Director at my church and have planned celibacy training for the young ladies and the young men at my church, and when it is over, they can decide if they would like to take the celibacy vow. If I may suggest to you the book that we are using as our core study instrument; Love Waits: Living Pure Inside and Out. This book is excellent; I read it myself before deciding to use it with my kids...

I hope something contained within this note is helpful!

J.,

My heart goes out to you. The rule of "no dating until you're 16, no single dating until 18" is a good one. The earlier they start dating, the earlier they want to start everything else. Let them hang out with friends and try to get everyone to come to your house. (This may involve paying for a lot of pizza, soda and movie rentals, but worth the investment in my opinion.) Kids think they want to date so badly, but most are still awkward around the opposite sex at this age and being in a group helps in many ways.
There are also a lot of well chaperoned activities for teens. Dances / activities / retreats hosted by churches are usually good and if you are close to the Jones Center for families in Springdale, they have teen activities, too.

Regarding sex, you need to give your daughters information regardless of other sources. When I was a youth counselor for our church, I used a video called "Sex Has a Price Tag" by a nationwide teen speaker named Pam Stenzel. She connects well with teenagers and says what most parents wish they could, but can't find the words. She also has a website; www.pamstenzel.com .

Another source I would highly recommend is http://www.familylifeeducation.org/gilliland/procgroup/So.... It is an address given by the President of the University I attended (BYU.) Although it is given specifically to young single members of my church, the principles taught ring true regardless of religious affiliation. To the question "why" in regards to human intimacy, I have never heard a better answer. It is worth your time.

Waiting until marriage to have sex is about so much more than just avoiding unwanted pregnancy or STDs, but most sex ed info focuses on this. Underestimated are the emotional / spiritual consequences that are certain to come; the primary focus is avoiding the potential physical consequences. Help your daughters see what a beautiful gift sex is, that it is the one thing one can give that is given only to him - never shared with anyone else. It is absolutely possible to wait until marriage to have sex. I did it and so did my husband and a lot of my friends. Why? Because I had fantastic youth counselors at my church that helped me see my individual worth and that I was worth the wait. I didn't need to give myself to anybody to receive acceptance. And it is now a great strength in our marriage - we found our own self esteems and made temporary sacrifices as single people to give the ultimate gift of love as a married couple.

What else most resources don't tell you is that "safe sex" practices aren't that safe. I have got pregnant TWICE while using a condom correctly. (I got off the pill and used a condom to try to get the hormones out of my system before wanting to conceive.) My doctor said countless women came into his office pregnant while using two forms of highly effective birth control simultaneously and he estimated that condoms were about 60% effective. But the message sent to our youth is that people can have casual sex without consequences simply by using "protection."

Sorry about the tangent. Anyway, know your daughters’ friends and their families. Know where they are going and who they are going with. They are too old to be kept under your wing every second and too young to make all these decisions on their own. They need you as their example, compass and guide.

Best wishes,
S.

16 is a good round about age. But if they are very very mature I would say 15 at the least. I say mature as in acting more "adult" than most teenagers do. Most think they are adults.. but are nothing more than smart mouthed over sized kids.

So look at your girls and ask yourself how mature and rational they are.

Please inform them on safe sex but first inform then on saying NO!

Well J., i say not til they are 16 and even then i am like the other moms they should go with a group first to see how they handle that. Mine is going to be 15 in five months and she is going on 30 also. I was a single mom til 6 months ago and I still am not going to allow anything til she is 16 and that goes for all my kids. I have four and they are 14,12,8,1

C.

I thing you should talk w/ your daughters Individually to see how each one is emotionally and mentality mature. Then you should set ground rules first let them go out in a group then as they show you they can be trusted you should let then go by themselves. I think 16 is a good age but it could be a busy year with driving and other things that happen when girls turn 16. If they give you a hard time about dating I would suggest having your older daughter talk to them, she could really be a good influence on them. Best of luck and I;m not looking forward to this time either. My girls are 2 and 3.
Hope this helps,
Leti

J.,
I think that Jackie had some good points in her message and like her I am young too, 23, and have a 14mth old. When I was around 15 boy became interesting, as with most teenage girls. I was never told I couldnt date until a certain age, but I did have several stipulations if I went out with friends. My parents always had to meet everyone that was going out that night-even though most they already knew really well (guys and girls) and I had a really early curfew...even at 18 while I was still living at home. They would randomly make calls to check where I was at and what we were up to, and that was the biggest thing I think that kept me out of trouble. B/c I never knew when or if they would actually call, and I knew they would be waiting up for me to get home-so I was always on time getting home. I think they were more comfortable knowing I was out in groups, that included boys, b/c they also knew the parents of everyone I ran around with(and could compare stories). By choice I didnt want to go out on one-on-one dates with boys b/c I was taught early on that being in a group is safer. I would suggest getting to know the group and/or boy that they are wanting to go out with, and that would prob. put you more at ease. No matter what you do, or how hard you try to prevent it, they are going to do what they want. The best advice that I can give you is to prepare them for what "can" happen, so that there is no mistery surrounding "dating" as a whole.(the good and the bad). If you always tell them "no, you cant do that" it will make them want to do it more, and find ways around you, even though you told them "No". This is a very impressionable age for young girls and it will "set" the habits they will have later in life when it comes to "finding the right one" for them. Be as open with them as you can, and if you dont like their decision let them know. They will react to your reactions - even if you dont say a word. Make sure you are sending the message you want to be sending to them. They will listen to you more than you may realize. And your opinions will way deeper on their decision than any friends' opinion will. Good luck! Dont think of this as a battle with them, help them make the right decisions on their own. Just like when you were that age - you have to see for yourself----no one can tell you the stove is hot....you have to touch it to find out for yourself....but you can be guided along the way to know how to deal with "what could happen"
Hope some of this helps and eases your mind a little.
A.

Hello J.,
I also have a 16yr old girl my husband & I are always discussing this issue. We feel like she is not mature enough to be out with a boy by herself. So basically we offer her outings with her girlfriends, she also is not driving on her own yet either. She really doesn't care we let her work and hang out with friends from church. I think it has to be an individual decision because all kids mature differently. Keep them busy then they wont have time to date.

I am a mother of 6 children 2 of my own and four step children. The 15 year old boy and the twelve year old girl, me and my husband are having the same problems with them. We have flat out told them no not until they are 16 and they have to have an adult with them, either ourselves or an adult that we trust. You just have to put your foot down.