Advice on Adoption (Not Private Adoption, Probably Foster Care Adoption)

Updated on September 15, 2009
S.L. asks from Pueblo, CO
10 answers

Hi ladies,
My husband and I have 2 great kids, ages 4 and almost 2. We'd love to have another, but don't feel it would be best, given some health issues I've had. My doctor is working on a diagnosis, but it's going very slow. He thinks I have some kind of muscle disease and my symptoms really came to a head after giving birth to our last child and then settled down somewhat as time passed. SO, we've starting to think about adoption, and are pretty sure we don't have the money for a private or international adoption. We've starting looking into foster care adoption, or state adoption and are pretty overwhelmed. It's not like we think we could get a baby, but we do feel strongly about our oldest REMAINING the oldest; he is almost 4 1/2. We've even considered a sibling group of 2, so I know that might increase our chances a bit. Anybody out there willing to share their adoption experience with us? I've heard different things about tax credits if you do decide to do a private or international adoption. We'd love to hear your thoughts on the practical and the emotional aspects of adoption.

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M.M.

answers from Salt Lake City on

my cousin adopted from China. It cost $17,000. The government gives you a 10,000 tax credit to adopt (private or international) and then his work also gave $10,000 (although he could only get up to $17,000 combined, or the cost of the adoption). So essentially their baby was free. He said it's the cheapest baby they've ever had. Not all employers do this, but it's worth checking into. I think they said China takes about 2 years, but it's more secure than a lot of other countries. (i.e. you don't have the suddenly asking for extra money out of no where). Good luck.

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D.W.

answers from Boise on

I think you are smart in wanting to adopt one younger than your own kids, but I think it's possible to get a baby if it's meant to be. Also, if you are in the system to do foster care, you can get an idea if you really want another one first. I did really well with 2 kids too, and the 3rd one has almost put me over the edge a couple of times. The 3rd is a lot harder than you realize for some reason. I know a lot of people who say the same thing. I think a sibling group of 2 would be great because so many siblings get separated and it's so not fair. Also, in a couple of years, if nothing has worked out yet, your 2 year old would be older to adopt a little bit older child at that time. Best wishes to you.

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A.T.

answers from Denver on

I adopted a 20 month old child through the foster care system. Yes, there are many children with problems, but there are so many that are doing okay and really just need a home. Yes, the foster/adoption route can be scary and heartbreaking, but it's worthwhile. I say this after having a child removed right before the parental rights were terminated (relatives came foward very late in the game). But the second attempt brought me my daughter and she's amazing. She has some problems sometimes, but nothing dramatically different than many of her peers.

The social worker who did my home study told me that if a child bonds with the same caregiver for 12 consecutive months ANY time during their first 5 years, they can create attachments throughout their lives.

Adoption of young children from foster care is quite possible and doesn't necessarily take a long time. I know a couple that have adopted three babies from foster care. The first one took a while, but the next two happened within a few months of having notified the County they were looking to adopt again.

The Adoption Exchange gives monthly informational sessions free. They go over all the different options for adopting.

Good luck and God bless you!

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C.E.

answers from Denver on

S.,

Hi! I think it's fabulous that you want to adopt and, after reading the other responses, I might have some insight for you.

We have both adopted and children born to us in our immediate family as well as in our extended family. I cannot imagine loving any of them more than I do. It makes no difference to my husband or myself whether they were born to us or not - all 4 are gifts from God.

We adopted babies right here in Denver through an agency that is run by a woman who used to work for the county as a Social Worker for adoption. She's awesome and will chat with you and answer any questions you may have. She's also about 50-60% less than most adoption agencies.

You can "search" for available children at AdoptEx.org - you can specify age and gender and then inquire about any you are interested in for more information.

If you'd like to talk more or if you have questions, want to talk to the gal we used to adopt... anything, please feel free to contact me!

C. Edwards
[email protected]____.com

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B.J.

answers from Provo on

http://therhouse.blogspot.com/

this is a great adoption blog. she has lots of great links on her page, plus she blogs about all things adoption. and every monday she lists foster kids who need homes, so it could be a great resource to help you find your kids. good luck!

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G.P.

answers from Provo on

I considered adoption when we had trouble getting pregnant and staying pregnant our first time. We were able to get pregnant and thought we wanted about 6 six children in our family, so we fairly quickly had baby #2 and baby #3. I loved being a mom so much and sure I had tough days, but things were great with one and then great with two. I assumed that things would be great with three after the adjustment period. I'm still waiting for it to be great. Don't get me wrong, I love each of my children (they are all boys) individually and collectively, but I'm practically losing my mind right now. My oldest will turn 4 this month, my 2 1/2 yr-old is at a stage of pulling everything out, and my 6-month-old is starting to grab at things, starting solid foods (another task in my day, since I want him to eat healthy foods instead of store-bought processed ones). Anyway, all I'm trying to say is that three is much harder than I thought it would be. If I were to add to that having the emotions of "this isn't my child" and "should this child have gone to someone else who is more capable" etc. I would be having an even more difficult time. I would encourage you to do two things: 1) talk with other moms who have mixed families (birth children and adopted children in same family) and 2) call Dr. Laura. I never thought about adoption in the way Dr. Laura described it. Best wishes!

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P.D.

answers from Salt Lake City on

S. ... I have twin boys that are now 15 years old that I adopted from the foster system. They were 3 weeks old when I got them and they were born crack addicted. I don't know much about the state system in colorado but in Utah they have a program called Fost/adopt. This is a program where the kids if not already released for adoption the chances that they will be are pretty high. The state paid for my adoption completely and they also continue to cover them with medicaid if need be. The boys are fabulous and have no effects from the drugs at all. They both play competition soccer and are very smart and talented. I know that I was lucky in getting twin babies and quite honestly didn't even go into the foster system to adopt but quickly fell for these babies and couldn't let them go. I will tell you that there are some very scarey ups and downs that can happen with adopting through the state ... at one point I was one week away from their parents getting them back. The parents messed up again and their rights were terminated. I know the fost/adopt program isn't suppose to be like that because like I said they will already be released for adoption ... also in Utah they do allow you to request infants but it can take long to get a placement. But with all the kids that I did foster I can easily say this ... kids that have been with their parents in a bad situation past the age of 3 ... are pretty messed up and hard to bond with. I know there are amazing people out there that have the talent to fix those problems but with me already having 3 children I didn't have the ability to fight with some of those issues. My twins are the best thing that I have ever done (as well as my own children of course) ... I have never viewed my twins as "adopted" ... they are my children and I love them all the same ... Good Luck and let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

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B.H.

answers from Colorado Springs on

We adopted 2 full sisters through foster to adopt (got first at 5 months, second at 1 month). We could write 2 books on our experiences- as all foster parents can- but things worked out great for us. We have kept in very open contact with birth family (our choice- but is highly stressed by therapists, etc). Lutheran Family services is who we worked with- a fabulous group of people.Feel free to email me directly with any specific questions.

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E.W.

answers from Colorado Springs on

Hi Sara-
I don't have any personal experience in this field, but i did go to a seminar at my church a few months ago. There is a group here in Colorado that is called project 127. It is an amazing group that is working to get ALL of the children who need a permanent home in Colorado adoption parents. It is very inexpensive and not as long of a wait as you might expect. Here is their website address. Good luck and Blessing to you and your family.
E.

project127.com

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C.H.

answers from Denver on

Make sure you give maximum atention to attachment disorder and that you fully understand it before proceeding. Older adopted children have mental health issues which you might be able to alleviate a bit with tons of extra attention (but you might not). Would it be fair to take so much attention away from the other two? This is not even remotely like having a third baby.

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