Advice Needed for Communicating with Husband Who Doesn't Want to Grow Up

Updated on May 14, 2008
A.B. asks from Amarillo, TX
41 answers

I am ~ 8 weeks pregnant and am needing some advice on the best way to handle my husbands behavior since finding out about my pregnancy. We are both very excited about starting a family, but I've been feeling pretty "alone" lately. My husband has been spending A LOT of time with his friends lately leaving me to sit on my egg at home! I know friends time is important, and believe me I need my girlfriends. I just wish we could compromise on what is too much. He hangs out with one particular friend up to 2x/week until 2 or 2:30 in the morning.....drinking beer. I'm glad he's not out at a bar, but the combination of my raging hormones and me being a worry wart are driving me crazy. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he gets angry and tells me he doesn't need a curfew and he can do whatever he wants to do cause he is doing nothing wrong. Am I blowing this out of proportion? I've been praying for God to give me a peace about this situation, but I'm really struggling. I don't want things to be this way when we have the baby.

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So What Happened?

I wanted to thank everyone that responded to my request. I really appreciate all the advice and kind words. I am now ~ 5 months pregnant, and continue to have occasional struggles with my husband spending late nights with his friends. Overall, he's being very supportive and attentive to me. I have been pressing in closer to God and my girlfriends during this time. I know my husband's heart, and that he will be an awesome daddy when that "real" moment of having the baby arrives. Thanks again!

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H.O.

answers from Dallas on

Let him be, if he is only doing it a couple nights a week. Be thankful it is not worse than that. My hubby hardly ever goes to be with me anymore (about once a month) he stays up and plays his WOW game. We also do not interact as much anymore. So he is here in the house, but he really isn't here. When the baby comes you both will be busy enough anyway. Also, when he goes out, why don't you go out and do something fun.

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A.S.

answers from Lubbock on

Try to include him in the pregnancy as much as you can.Men dont feel the insantlove for the child like we do.It may take him a while to realize how different life is about to be.Of you push too hard right now he may think that this baby thing is not so great.He can feel the baby the way you do.Take him to the sonagrams let him hear the heartbeat.Include him in every way you can.It takes a while but he may connect with the baby before it is born especially when it starts kicking.It also may take until he sees the beautiful face of his baby.Just be patient and understand that men arent as emotionally in tuned as we are it takes time.Congrats on the baby.They are true angels in disguise

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O.A.

answers from Dallas on

Hi A.,

Hang in there! I know it's hard especially since your body is going through some different changes. I would try not to get upset for the baby's sake. If you feel you're husband is not doing anything wrong, then I wouldnt worry about. I promise things will get better once the baby arrives. If it makes you feel better, I've been married for 9 years and it also took my husband a while to grow up. I just think it takes men longer to mature. Try to take care of yourself.

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L.G.

answers from Dallas on

I think most women know what you are going through. I do think that your husband is trying to get in his "free" time while he can. Belive me when the baby gets here, you will both think that you will never get any "free" time again. Sooner than you realize, you will have your freedom again.
I think men process pregnancy much different than women. For you, the baby is inside you, growing, soon you will feel it moving, and even though your husband will feel the baby kick, you are the one with it inside you. I don't think that the baby is "really real" to men until the baby gets here. It's too hard to grasp. I find myself thinking back to when I was pregnant, I look at my 3 year old son now and think, how were you inside of me????? It is a precious miracle that only we get to experience. I do think that your husband will change once the baby is here. I do belive that you need to "prepare" your husband for what is to come, and what is expected from each of you once the baby gets here. It's hard sitting at home alone, but you can take that time to get some sleep stored up, or spend some time with the "girls".
Good Luck! Don't give up on him. The birth of his child will probably change him dramatically.

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C.A.

answers from Dallas on

Hi. I think so many things in combination make us feel this way during pregnancy. Hormones for one make things that we normally could blow off, magnified in intensity for us.
Now, hormones aside I have noticed from experience, and with friends that some men seem to go through this 'thing' where they almost try to detach themselves from the pregnancy, or their normal life for awhile. Like they are scared, or going through this crisis where they realize their lives are about to change. Sure, you can talk about it before getting pregnant, but men aren't like us-they rationalize by sight and happenings, where we tend to think things through. Once you actually are pregnant-they go through this 'oh my God, my youth is over' thing. They either start hanging out with friends(especially single), absorb themselves in work, be distant, or like my fiance was when I was pregnant-on top of working extra hours, he went to the gym a lot and played PS2 until I wanted to wrap the cord around his neck! :-x My daughter isn't quite 16, 4 months pregnant, and her boyfriend of a year who acted like he loved her more than life and was at our house almost daily-now has a new girlfriend all the sudden and wants nothing to do with her. I told her he's 18 and terrified. It's not right by any means, but guys are really wimps, and they believe they are young kids for about 20 years pass reality. No, they don't think about our feelings when they are having their own issues. They are more self-centered. I have never felt more alone in my life than with my last pregnancy when my fiance became distant and didn't talk to me. I was ready just to leave him. But, I knew he wasn't cheating on me, and I told him where I was at with the situation, and eventually he got better, and now is just great. My first husband started drinking beer and hanging out with his friends when I was pregnant with our second, which came very quickly after our first. The problem is, he never stopped and I was tired of feeling lonely and over whelmed. He never realized my feelings, nor stopped-so I divorced him. Now his new wife is dealing with it. Sometimes they won't change. You need to tell him your feelings, that it's BOTH of your prenancy, not just you-and he needs to respect you, show you some attention, or else. It's disrespectful he has to say something back to you when you try to open up. Make sure your not attacking him or he'll be on the defense. I personally wouldn't put up for a second with my fiance going drinking at bars with friends regularly. The locks would be changed!!!! But, I've been through it once already, and have learned that I need to respect myself and not put up with it. Tell him exactly how you feel, calmly. Tell him what you need, and if he's not willing to change-you'll have to decide if it's something you want to be crying about for years to come. Just don't end up with 3 kids like I did before deciding he's not going to change. But also, if this is unusual behavior for him, and you're recently pregnant-talk to him and make sure he's not just scared and freaking out!!! Good Luck.

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D.C.

answers from Dallas on

Well, i can certainly relate. My children are 16 and 12 now but i remember how my husband behaved at first. I often said that if i could go back, i would have treated that behavior differently. I am older and wiser now, and know my husband alot better. Please forgive me if any of the advice I give seems obvious or doesnt suit you, as i dont know how your relationship goes :)

If I could go back, i would be more sympathetic to my husband. I did not realize all of the stress having a baby puts on a man who is taking it seriously. They worry as much as we do! Just in a different way. I didnt realize that then. I would treat him as I want to be treated. Giving him hugs and asking if he had any worries and telling him how proud I am that he has a good job and can provide for our family and taht he was going to be such a wonderful father etc. I just didnt see his point of view. I also didnt realize how consuming the "baby talk" was. My husband felt as if our life just watching tv and talking about other things INSTANTLY went away and thats all we talked about all of the sudden. That made him feel very lonely. Weird huh?Your sweet hubby is probably going out and staying out not only to try to escape from this new responsibility but to cope with it as well.

THAT BEING SAID....
Leaving you alone until 2 am is unacceptable if you are feeling lonely. Say these words, however cheesy and weird they sound.
"Honey (or whatever you call him), do you want to talk about any worries you have about the baby? .......(wait for response.....listen, dont criticize, just as you would want him to do for you) Is there anything I can do to help you? (be reasonable if he has suggestions)"

THEN maybe at another time say
" Babe ( or whatever you call him) Ive been really missing you lately, especially when you are out so late. (try to be understanding and not demanding if he is defensive) I just wanted to let you know how I am feeling and that I miss you. It would be wonderful if you decided not to stay over there so late and as often" Then leave it at that. It will be hard, but try.

Seek other friends of your own to chat it up about the baby 24/7. You dont have to not ever talk about baby stuff, your hubby will have to figure out how to cope eventually. But try to just "BE" with hubby as normal some of the time too.

Anyway, thats what I would have done if I could go back. That approach works much better for me now. Requests not demands, Understanding not criticism. Thinking of his feelings TOO not just my own or INSTEAD of my own. Giving him a little space at first and then letting him chew on it usually gets me the results I want.

I am sorry you are feeling lonely. Motherhood can be a lonely business, but not to worry! It is also sprinkled with wonder, delight and much accomplishment. And lots and lots of love. You just keep dishing it out.

Good luck to you.

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L.M.

answers from Amarillo on

Men never really grow up there toys just get more expensive...Let him have his fun and you try to have some youself. Just because your pg doesnt mean you have to sit by the phone and wait on him...go out dancing or a picnic at midnight, you won't beleive how refreshing it is...you don't have to drink. just have a good time...there's a thousand things you could do to keep yourself and your harmones from over reacting...take up yoga.. its good for you and the baby.
join baby and me classes. Just what ever you decide you'll never change him and he will eventually come around...he's just letting off some steam...

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C.S.

answers from Dallas on

Did you ever see "She's Having a Baby" with Kevin Bacon? Men are so afraid compared to a woman's need to nest.
He is probably afraid 1. you are going to gain weight. 2 he will be 2nd. and 3. Can he support a family.
Being pregnant is not as wonderful as we all would want all to think. Men are not always kind and they are not always excited and some of them are not mature to be compassionate and responsible but have hope.
My husband was terrible. He yelled at me for two-three hours every day. I cried every day. Not sure why my son is sane to this day.
He tried to even find an excuse for not going to the labor (cesarean). He coughed and tried to find a nurse to let him out of it. I was crushed and so angry but refused to let him out of his responsibility.
My husband cried like a baby when our son came into the world. I think he cried more than the baby did. It was then that things changed and then that his love for his child arrived.
They do not have the nine months of feeling a baby that women do to prepare.
To this day (our son is five) he loves his son dearly and takes him fishing and trips to see his brothers to have bonding time.
I would recommend to sit and watch that movie with your hubby and talk about things. Your worry and concerns are valid and any nagging will surely fall on deaf ears.
I would recommend keeping yourself busy. If you have family or church, join in any way you can so your entire focus is not on your husband.
Please have faith. He will come around but it may take a 9 month gestation period first. :)
Love to you and your family, C.

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A.B.

answers from Dallas on

You will need your husband more than ever when the baby comes. He will need to be up at 2am, but not drinking... feeding and changing that baby so you can rest and heal your body! I personally think it is very weak for any man to leave his pregnant wife alone until all hours of the morning. And I never got the appeal of beer. Also, should he really be driving home at night after drinking? Sounds like a teenager that needs punishment. Life experience tells me that people don't change, although for your sake, I sure hope he does. He should be spending time with you, pampering you... you should be more important than any friend or substance. And the second a wife tells a husband "I need you home", that is exactly where he should be. Does he expect to do this when he's a father? B/c that is not a good example. I wish you the best. See a therapist or speak to someone who can get through to him since you can't. I wish you the best.

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B.M.

answers from Dallas on

No, you are not overeacting. How old is your husband? This should be your family time. He should be with you during this time. Not only do you need him with you, he could be one to miss out on a very important time in you all's life. You never know what new exciting thing will happen in your belly next. Not to be to harsh, but it is time for your husband to grow up. Once a month might be ok. Maybe have the friend over to your house. I just would not want him to get used to being away from family. Is he scared about being a father? That is normal, but I pray that he becomes more sensative to you and that God will help him get his priorities right. Being a parent is the most awesome and rewarding job we can have.

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L.S.

answers from Dallas on

You can be stressed and afraid, but he is obviously not going to deal with the prego situation like an adult. when my husband acted like this, i left and took the kids to see my grandma, about 30 miles away. I had 2 toddlers and pregnant with my third. i din't tell him where i went, but he eventually figured it out. i stayed at grandma's for a visit, until he had come to his senses about what he wanted. i gave him a big dose of lonliness and wouldn't talk to him on the phone. my grandma didn't realize anything was going on. she was having to good a time with the kids. and we were swimming and baking cookies with the kids.
but the truth is he can do what ever he wants, but that doesn't mean you have to sit and wait around on him. and i would tell him that. you are in a marriage and he doesn't get to treat you this way. and if he wants to be with his friends, fine with you. i will go live somewhere else, as it is apparent that you don't take my feelings or concerns serously, and that makes me question whether i can stay with a husband that obvously doesn't care about me, and chooses to be with other people and is disrespctful to me. i don't want to be around you until you know what you want because right now, it is not marriage or this baby. so when you get a grip and treat me with love and respect then call me.
i have also told my husband that i may not necessarily divorce him, but that didn't mean that i was going to live with him.
i recommend being a general and making him aware of your boundaries and sticking to them. he will either come around or he won't, but why waste precious time being miserable.
maybe if when he came home you weren't there, and he was forced to fix his own meals and do his own laundry you would get his attention.
don't for one minute longer tolerate his behavior.
tell him, absolutely, you are an adult and you can do what you want,......but so am you. and i'm refusing to let you treat me bad under the words of LOVE, and to be disrespctful of me. call me when you get a clue!!!

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A.A.

answers from Dallas on

Sorry to hear that you are going through this kind of stress. My one advice for you is this. Buy the following book called 'The proper care and feeding of Marriage' and sweetly and seductively give it to your husband to read it. Then you should get 'the proper care and feeding of husbands' and read it. It will make you all very happy again. Just try it.
Sometimes all both of you need is better understanding of your roles in marriage. Especially with the coming of children. He will never change if you do not do this.
Goodluck

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S.U.

answers from Dallas on

Hi A.,

I hear you girl and I want you to know that ANYONE can change and having a baby changes us ALL! My hubby was somewhat like yours before our baby, and had a foul mouth at times. Having our daughter 8 years ago grew him right up and changed him completely! Now if he wants a cold beer he has it at home, usually when the kids are already in bed! We have a 4 year old son too and my husband is an amazing Dad! I think yours is thinking this is his last harrah and he's getting the late nights out of his system. You might very sweetly sit him down sometime and just say "I don't understand honey and I'm afraid this is how you will act once the baby gets here, are you just getting it out of your system??" You might be surprised what his friend is saying to him too? He might be like "DUDE this is your last shot your life is almost OVER!" Who knows men play head trips on each other about kids and responsiblity. This baby will change your life forever and ALL of the changes GREAT!!! Try not to worry, I too am a worry wart, but our son now 4 helped me to take one day at a time and truy enjoy the RIDE! Remember your prenancy is your only chance to help God grow a miracle, do not waste it mad at your husband. It's just that a waste of time! Try to focus 100% on YOU and how YOU feel and getting the rest and nesting time you deserve. I have found when my husband makes me NUTS, and lets face it they ALL DO at times, I turn the focus back on me and making me happy! Then he comes around.

HUGS and prayers I know this is hard!!!

S.

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S.W.

answers from Dallas on

This wasn't clear in your post, but is this a new thing or has he always hung out with his friends this much and it didn't bother you until now? If this is nothing new, then you can't really complain - he's just doing what he's always done. If this is a new thing, then he's probably just doing it because he knows that his "free" days will be over soon and his life will revolve around his new baby. Or, it could be that you're a bit more emotional/hormonal right now and he needs his space from you. No offense - but pregnancy and raging hormones can make a wife less appealing to spend time with. Try to be cognizant of your behavior, tone of voice, and how you treat your husband. I'm not saying you should bow to his every whim. Just try to listen to yourself and keep the nagging and emotionally charged discussions to a minimum. That will not only be good for your marital relationship, but it will also be good for your physical and emotional health during this important time in your baby's development. The less stress the better. Remember, immaturity or not, your husband is an adult and can take care of himself. He'll be safe, so there's no need to worry about that. And try not to call him constantly on his cell phone when he's not within your reach.

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B.D.

answers from Dallas on

The best advice I can give is Pray daily for him. May I also suggest that you Purchase a Bible Study book "POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE by Stormie Omartian. You get the book which is 30 days of study and also you can purchase an accompaning book which is a prayer and study guide. It was suggested to me and I went through it and it helped me with my relationship with him and also in the long run because I didn't hound him any longer I believe it helped him too. Also I want you to know that I am praying for you.

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M.C.

answers from Dallas on

A.,
I can completely understand your frustration. Pregnancy is to an easy thing to deal with, especially if you feel alone. I am not sure what your communication level with your husband is, but maybe try to casually bring up that you would like some more personal time with just him. Explain to him that you feel alone, like you are doing this all by yourself. Try, to the best of your ability to explain the raging hormones and your constant worrying. Let him know that you are not trying to limit his time with his friends, but you are concerned when he is out so late and drinking. Maybe once you have a chance to let him know what your concerns are, he will slowly start to see your point. He might be going out and drinking NOW because he knows that he most likley will not have that luxury as much when the baby is born, but even so, he needs to understand that you have a right to be concerned for his well being. Good luck, and congratulations on your new addition.

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M.A.

answers from Dallas on

If your husband was bedridden for 9 months and you were invited to party with your best friend every week and he wanted to go but couldn’t, would you go? If he doesn’t care about your feelings while your pregnant I can only believe he will not care later while your at home raising your child. Put your foot down now, you will ALWAYS remember the way you were treated by your husband when you were pregnant! He needs to focus on providing a loving, safe, caring home for his family. Tell him when you both get older and he gets some ailment you are not going to have a curfew and that there is nothing wrong with your hanging out with friends who are not ill till 2 or 3 in the morning. What comes around goes around! Maybe he should straighten up and be there for you while you need him and you will be there when he needs you! He says he’s not doing anything wrong… so upsetting you is not wrong to him, hmmmm. I hope he doesn’t get a DWI while doing nothing wrong . This is a new chapter in his life and you are the biggest part of it, he needs to be your buddy and then things will work out, as you do things together!

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J.E.

answers from Dallas on

As long as he's not out at bars then I would try not to worry too much. My husband is almost 40 and still acts like a big kid sometimes. When I was pregnant with my daugther we were still living back home in California and on weekends we always hung out with our neighbors. Being pregnant at the time I was always exhausted so I would usually go home early and my hubby would stay and hang out drinking and partying. I did't mind because I knew he was much more a social need freak then I was and I knew things would change dramatically once the baby arrived. Men handle things a lot differently then women do. If you try to change him it'll only make things worse. He knows his life is going to change and being able to have some "male" time with a friend is good. As long as you get the same "girl bonding" time your friends.

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D.A.

answers from Dallas on

A.,
You didn't mention how old your husband or you were in your post. My husband and I were both almost 38 when I had our daughter. Today, my husband still acts like a little boy when around his friends. BUT he is a very responsible husband and dad. He doesn't drive when having alot to drink, and will call to check in if going to be out later than expected. He knows that if he doesn't I'll be calling him and not happy the next day.

Your hormones could be causing some of your anxiety. Did he hang out with his friends before or is it something new? This makes a difference in how you should react or not react. I'd sit down and write him a letter explaining your feelings in a calm manner...do not dictate, yell or nag. Also, a joke about your hormones raging can't hurt. It tells him you are being light-hearted about it even though it concerns you. Most men will step-up when the baby arrives but needs time away for now.

Continue praying for God's guidance. For now, relax and enjoy the miracle growing inside you. When you know he has plans with his friends, make plans with yours so you are not alone at home. Have some fun yourself!

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C.S.

answers from Amarillo on

Wow! That's hard. He's probably nervous! You are about to parents of a beautiful baby. The things you do and say will show this child how to be a grown-up. It's a big responsibility for anyone...fun and scary at the same time while pregnant. I think if you can tell him, first tell him just let me speak my mind and then you can tell me your side. And tell him and ask him if you're just being silly. And hopefully he'll console you and say you're just being silly and he loves you and the baby and all that. What worries me is taking care of baby is work. Especially in the beginning when the baby is waking every couple of hours or starts crying and you don't why. Sleep is intermittent. House and laundry may get a little crazy. What is he gonna do when the baby is born? That's what worries me for you. He really needs to be open with you now if he wants the marrieage to last. Children add a whole new stress to a marriage. HOPEFULLY he's just a little stressed out right now. :) How much is what he going out before? Is it the same? Your hormones have increased totally so you're going to feel alone sometimes on this new adventure. Do you still meet up with your GFs? I think if he's going out the same you may be blowing things out of proportion. Marriage is also trust. Are you worried about something more now that you're pregnant? Let's relax and breathe a moment and not a big deal if not warranted. You know all guys are not created equal, so if you're also comparing him to a friend's husbands then that could be part of the problem too. I think the big thing is you guys need to talk about this...approach carefully so your husband doesn't just go totally left and get mad. Hope everything works out for you! Blessing to you and your family. :)

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J.G.

answers from Dallas on

I think it may just be that this is his way to get it out of his system before the baby comes. I think he may realize that one the baby is here, he isn't going to get a whole lot of "buddy time."
I would suggest talking to him again with a different approach. Don't say things that may seem like you are pointing the finger at him or accusing him of something and what he may or may not be doing.
Point the finger at yourself when you talk to him so he won't get defensive. Start with, "I want you to know I feel hurt and alone when I am here by myself all night. I want you to know that I miss my friends and I miss going and doing things with them." ect., ect.
In doing it this way he won't feel like he has to defend himself and he may wake up to some of your feelings in this situation. Write yourself notecards if you must and read off of them when talking to him so you don't slip and accuse.
Best of luck. Hopefully he will come around.

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M.M.

answers from Dallas on

Hey, A.. I can't give you any advise except to say that my husband freaked out during my pregnancy. Mine might have been worse in a way because my husband was rude to me and in ways didn't make it a joyful pregnancy for some of it. Prayer is definitely a good thing... and just to tell him how what he's doing makes you feel and what you would prefer. Other than that.... I don't know... just pray a lot and try to be kind to him. My husband ( 5 months after the birth) apologized for how difficult he made it for me. He is in love with our son and our family.

God bless... Marly

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B.

answers from Dallas on

I am not sure what your relationship has been like since you got married, but understand that if you have tolerated his behavior in the past your pregnancy is NOT going to change him unless he's ready to change. I do not have your problems in my own marriage but I can tell you that we (women) tend to kick into "mommy" gear before men. A baby is a wonderful life changing experience and you do not want to associate this blessing with why he needs to change. He does need to change and he does need to grow up but he needs to do it because he is ready. He will resent you and that resentment will strain your marriage at a time when you are feeling the most vulnerable. I disagree with the person who said that God will not give you peace. God will give you peace in ANY situation. Peace is not acceptance of your husbands behavior. It is acknowledgement of what you can and cannot control. Tell your husband how you feel, but don't use the pregnancy as an excuse. You probably felt this way prior to your pregnancy, but you think that you are now more justified in your feelings.

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L.W.

answers from Dallas on

Give your husband a time to be at home. He needs to grow up and face his responsibilities and be RESPECTFUL toward you. Do not threaten or hound him but if he keeps up the repetetive bad behavior, I'd leave him. I made it on my own with one child and was a heck of a lot happier. And no I had pratically zero family help. Did get child support that paid for child care. You can do it!!!

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L.B.

answers from Dallas on

Keep praying, and maybe get him a book on being a dad, or a cd to listen to in car.

If not a member if a great local fellowship of believers, that would be a great place to plant and grow, that way he is around other Great Dads who can mentor him!

Meantime, read and study God's word on how to be a great Mom!
Will be praying for you!
Email me for web sites for book suggestions or for maybe a church in your area!(I have been married 19 years with 2 awesome daughters)
L. B
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D.C.

answers from Dallas on

This is hard. My husband too is a kid, although he plays mostly at home with video games, he's giving up the drinking. Know this, you can't change him. You can't. My best advise could be asking for a compromise. Have a friend night once a week for both of you. Ask him to limit late nights. Tell him how much is happening to your body and how you don't want him to miss a bit. Make it about him experiencing the situation instead of giving something up.

Good luck

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K.B.

answers from Dallas on

Hi A.,

Your feelings and behaviors are completely normal and believe it or not, so are his. I am a Life Coach who specializes in family relationships and would love to chat with you a little bit. We offer a free coaching session to all prospective clients to give you a feel for what coaching is, and also it gives you someone you can talk to who is objective for free. Hope to hear from you! K. Brandon ###-###-####

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L.M.

answers from Dallas on

It could be that your husband is stressed about his new responsibilities, even though he is excited about it, and thinking about how much his life is going to change once the baby is here and how he won't be free to go "play" with his friends. Maybe he's just trying to get it out of his system and have a last hurrah. If that's the case, it's a whole lot easier to be understanding about his behavior and the more you nag about it, the more you will make him feel trapped and want to do it. I know it's old-fashioned, but the best way to keep a man home is to make home the most pleasant place he knows. However, if this behavior continues after the baby is born, that is unfair that your life is the only one that has changed and I wouldn't tolerate that.

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S.B.

answers from Abilene on

i am sorry there is not peace with alcohol and things involed god cant give you peace because it is wrong, drinking drugs same catagory, is he a believer? no good friend is going to keep a husband or a wife apart that long and running with friends either way to those hours of the morning always spells trouble especially if those are single friends, cause singles are looking to hook up couples are allready hooked, you can keep your single friends but you cant run all hours with them a movie once in a while or something but thats it if you are married you dont hang with singles where others will be coming on to you and flirtng with you and putting your relationship in danger, just not how it works heres the order of importance god is always first if not in church get both of you there, and put him at the base of your relationship, 2nd is the wife or husband you put each other first which doesnt mean leaving one or the other at home alone, then your children then family friends are at the bottom of this list for a reason, you need to develop couple friends prferably the christian kind the more you do apart the further apart you will be until there is no relationship to save,you should become like best friends but the alcohol factor needs to go it will do nothin but help to destroy your relationship and family, i know i am in a recovery church have seen the damage and see what happens even when you just want to have one once in a while i pray that you will take this to heart and if you have a pastor visit with him, and i mean a pastor not a priest a pastor loves his sheep and leads them in the right direction and doesnt overlook things, if possible hook up with a recovery church they would know the best course of action for you to go and hopefully save your marriage before it ends god bless will be praying for you

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C.R.

answers from Dallas on

My husband does this too, and it seemed to start around the time we began to have children. And for us, having a child did not change it.
I fussed, cried, talked and did all the stuff your supposed to do, and nothing changed it. I finally decided that as long as I was doing what I knew I was supposed to be doing, I could go about my life with a clear conscience, and not worry about what he was doing, and that's what I do. I don't fuss at him about it, I continue to raise our children and run our home.

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J.B.

answers from Tyler on

A.,
Most of the hurts in our lives are made worse by our expectations. I know that when I married, I had preconceived notions about how it should be, parenting, etc. Well, my husband didn't measure up to my expectations. I wasn't wise enough to understand that only God can change him. Prayer is key. If you think you'll go hormonal on him (something that drove my hubby up a tree)then write notes. My husband always read and thought about what I wrote. I learned to pray first, then write notes to let him know how I felt--never in anger, always in love. It had more success than the confrontations. IT just took me too long to learn what works with him. God bless you. JB

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C.A.

answers from Dallas on

Hi A.,

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband issues. I really don't want to respond but feel I must try. First let me say that I'm a little crazy and my ways of dealing with my husband are a little out there. So you may wish to ignore my suggestions.

I have been married for 12 years and my husband isn't very social so that was never a problem. But he does live in the gym and loves to work late. I found it kind of helped to ignore him but to do to him exactly what he does to me. First you try explaining your feelings and you need to have him be there for you. Don't get upset or angry because men don't respond well to that. They get very defensive and start to act like a baby. Years later my husband told me he had to grow into being a husband.

If pleading with him doesn't help try giving him an incentive. Men like sex and sexy so maybe you will have to encourage him to stay home more. And if all else fails maybe you should start making yourself unavailable. Maybe you should hang out and bond with your friends. If you accidently fall asleep and get home late he might feel your pain.

Personally, I would be at Home Depot and would be changing the locks by 11:00 p.m. but I certainly don't want you to end up in divorce court.

Best of luck and lots of love,

C.

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L.T.

answers from Abilene on

Have you considered talking to someone -- an older couple who might could give you some ideas on dealing with this, a family/marriage counselor, a minister? It would be best, of course, for both of you to go, but it would probably help you even if you have to go alone.

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A.W.

answers from Dallas on

You didn't say your ages but my husband was 18 when we found out about our first and as soon as he knew he was rarely in the same room with me and the bigger I got the more he went out with his friends. After baby came I was told there is nothing he can do because it was a baby and baby's only need there Mom. He got better after #2 came but he's no father of the year. I don't mind being alone and doing everything for the kids. But you have to choose what you can live with. I like what the one Mom said about leave him let him know what he is missing.
Brightest Blessings

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J.G.

answers from Dallas on

I have never been in your situation but have a couple of questions. Is this behavior of your Husband's new behavior? I am referring to the spending time with friends until the wee hours of the morning. If it is not new then I hate to sound insensitive but it probably won't change until he chooses to and he may never choose to. If it is new behavior then I think the real conversation is about what is it that is making him want to spend less time at home and with you since the knowledge of your being pregnant. That seems to be more important than a "curfew" so to speak. That this behavior didn't exist before you found out you were pregnant and now it is. I would go at it from the desire to understand point of view vs the "I don't like it". Just thoughts........

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

Hi A.,

I have another take on why he might be doing this - not sure how old he is, but maybe he's scared? A slightly different take on "getting it out of his system". Becoming a parent is a HUGE responsibility, even when you're prepared and planning on it. It may be sinking in for him and he's not dealing with it well. Guys communicate differently too, so if you need help, try John Gray or Dr. Laura books re marriage/communication. Good luck! It's a wonderful, crazy time!

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D.W.

answers from Dallas on

HI A.,
I wouldn't say your husband doesn't want to grow up. I would say that if he is like my husband was, he is scared! I felt my husband was doing the same thing you discribed. He was 'hanging' out with friends more, I felt left out, ugly and fat. Some times he didn't want to go to my dr. appointments, and everything seems like I was pulling teeth. After the baby was born, and things setteled down, he told me how scared he was that something would go wrong with the pregnancy, didn't know how to deal with my moods, and worried about how the baby would impact our finances, our sex life, and his job. But he is fine now, he as taken a more active role in running the house, finances, etc. It is not perfect, and he doesn't do it when I expect it, but he does things in his way at the time it needs to be done. He is great with our sons. So hang in there (part of this is you being over senitive-I'm the same way :-))and give him some space. Take care.

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M.S.

answers from Dallas on

You are right, this is a bump in the road, but don't ignore it. Men don't seem to make the switch from adult being to parent and therefore part of a family unit. Sometimes that does not hit husbands until your baby bump is impossible to ignore. Even then, they don't change behavior as fast as women do.
I suggest you concentrate on YOU: continue to pray for your growing family, seek counseling from your church or Employee Assistance Program at your job or your husband's, and suggest some things you can do together or with other couples. Some gentle reminders every now and then should be enough. He probably just needs more time.

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A.O.

answers from Dallas on

Well, he can't "do whatever he wants to do" and the whole curfew thing because he's a man now, a husband, and a father. What he needs to realize is that being with you is a sign of respect. My husband doesn't really go out and do things with friends that much because he says he'd rather just be home with us (he works a lot, so his free time is rare anyways) but he wasn't understanding AT ALL until I started showing with my son. He couldn't understand why I was so tired and whatnot but things changed as I got bigger and he was a lot better. You can't raise your husband AND your kids. I recommend reading the book Love and Respect, and try to get him to read it too. It helped my marriage in many ways. :) I haven't read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, but I fully believe in Jimmy and Karen Evans' ministry. Check out www.marriagetoday.com!

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M.B.

answers from Dallas on

hate to put it this way but you are only 8 wks along not 8 months. and you didnt say how old your husband was or you for that matter. you both need to sit down and talk about what you both think should be happening maybe even go to counceling if things cant be talked out without getting heated. sometimes a third party helps see things that you cannot. men dont see pregnacy the same way that women do give him some time.

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A.C.

answers from Dallas on

My husband never really did that (I got irritated bc he was having friends over late on weekends to play video games and I just wanted to hang out w/ him alone), but once the baby was born he really mellowed and I have to tell him to invite his friends over.

Maybe, if you haven't, you should tell him you are really afraid of how this is going to work out once hte baby is born. Odds are the behavior will slow alot b/c he'll be too tired to do that.

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