Advice for Potential Marriage w/STD (Genital Herpes)

Updated on November 08, 2016
L.R. asks from Smithville, TX
61 answers

I'm asking for advice concerning my 19 1/2 y.o. son. He is very serious about a girl (she's 1 1/2 years older) and believes she is "the one". This is is first serious relationship and they are both Christians. He has a more innocent background, and she on the other hand converted to Christ from a permiscuou background. She told him right after they met, that she had genital herpes (incurable STD). I would like to hear from anyone who has been married with this problem or any other advice. She (the girlfriend doesn't know that I know). This problem at the moment is not concerning him too much, he believes she's healed & even if not, she is God's will. He's done some research and so have I. The thought of life with a condom for that long sure wouldn't appeal to me....and the possibility of getting it is very possible. Thanks for any help/encouragement....

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So What Happened?

Mamasource: Just wanted to thank everyone who responded to the above concern. The help I received and peace of mind was so wonderful. I learned from allot of you who are living in the real world with this STD and have been very encouraged. I also realize what wisdom and help we can receive from others when we ask for help. Thank you to every single response and taking the time to care/write. One thing I wanted to clarify was that my statement about the girl being promiscuous in her past was only mentioned because of non verbalized concerns of their relationship in lieu of this being my son's first relationship and being pretty young, maturity level, etc...I know when Christ forgives, He removes all of our sins; although there is sometimes baggage with it, nothing that can't be helped!! Thank God...........Again, you all are great and I can't thank you enough for taking the time to respond. Love, LR

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K.C.

answers from Houston on

My friend has that std. And she takes very good care to try from giving it to anyone else. She lets the person know before she even thinks about getting "in bed" with them.

I think the girlfriend did a good thing with telling him about the std. It showed that she cared for him. If he truely believes that she is the one for him and he can live with using a condom for the rest of their life together then you should let him. In all truth she will never be healed from the std, but she may just not have an out break right now. If he is wanting to spend the rest of his life with her, ask him to go to Plan Parent Hood, they have an endless supply of information about std's and the possibility of spreading it to a baby if she ever gets preganant. Then allow him to make the decision.

I know this may not have been what you wanted to hear but I see it through my friend how hard it is to 1 find love, 2 acceptance, 3 commentment.

Good luck and the best of wishes to all

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D.E.

answers from Houston on

Well as a sufferer myself and my spouse of 20 yrs is clean. There are meds that she can take to prevent an outbreak and protect her spouse. 1 daily 500mg. Valtrex has been proven to protect a partner. You don't have to be a promiscous person to ger GH. Just 1 partner can give it to you as what happened to me.

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D.F.

answers from Houston on

There is medication for genital herpes. I know many people who live with it and they are ok. The medication helps with breakouts and also prevents them from possibly giving this to their partner. There is always the possibility of getting the disease it is not a fool proof drug. However, if taken it does help.

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H.P.

answers from Houston on

I know a married couple living with this, and they don't take medicine and haven't had an outbreak in a few years now. It sounds to me like a miserable existence, which is why I asked such personal questions of them; but they're okay. According to what I've read, anyone can have it for years, not knowing the source, and it can just come up during an illness or other source of physical stress. We could all have it and be passing it back and forth and never know until it shows up. My doctor told me that they can't even test for it unless you have an outbreak, a source from which to sample; so if it's dormant, they just can't tell. Please, also, keep in mind that it doesn't take promiscuity to transfer it, so don't judge her based on that. All it takes is one partner one time, and that one time doesn't have to be "complete".

I, too, think that they should be counseled by their pastor(s) as they move forward in this "serious" relationship. Marriage is difficult for older couples who have life experience and know who they are and what they want. On the other hand, when I met my husband, I knew that our paths were divinely crossed and that we were meant to be married to each other. Sometimes God presents it in just that way.

I wish the best to all of you.

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J.W.

answers from Houston on

Dear L.
I understand your fears.
But love will conquer all. Just pray and hand it over to the Lord. Sometimes genital herpes attacks only once...and then never again. At least she is not HIV positive which would be a bigger problem. Your son does not have to rely on condoms - only when the illness is active and it may never be again!
Herpes is quite a prevalent STD amongst the youth of today so it seems it is no longer an unusual event.
Put it right out of your mind and just enjoy the fact that your son has chosen a Christian, born-again young woman to share the rest of his life with....that alone removes all the negatives out of the equation.
Congratulations on the upcoming marriage!
Just enjoy your son and be a friend to his wife....that's all that is required of you - love conquers all!
Good luck and kind regards
Jewel

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R.W.

answers from Houston on

I commend the young woman for her honesty. Obviously she cares for your son or she would not have revealed it and it also speaks of her character for her honesty. Genital herpes CAN be transmitted even when there is not an outbreak....proven research!I contracted it from my husband of 26 years. Their situation is manageable and should remain between the two of them. You say your son has done some research, well then let them handle it.You can advise him to continue researching and stay up with it, because new information is being made available all the time. I know you love him and it sounds like you have raised a fine young man. He doesn't run when he is faced with a potential situation. The two of them have the beginnings of a stable relationship by setting the ground rules of honesty and trust. If it is meant to be than it will be. Trust God that if HE brings you to it, HE will bring you through it!

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J.D.

answers from San Antonio on

Sometimes we all make bad choices. She is one of these people. She is human. Jesus loves a sinner. Life with condoms doesn't sound appealing, but spending the rest of your life with someone you love is appealing. Herpes is only contagious during a break out. So, if precautions are taken they'll be fine. They can have children but no vaginal births. No reason they can't be a normal healthy happy family. Don't be too judgemental, Jesus wouldn't like that. Do not cast stones!!!

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K.W.

answers from Corpus Christi on

My 50 year old aunt has this, has been married for 16 years, and to my knowledge has not transferred it to her husband, even having two children by him. I believe she takes medication and her outbreaks have become less and less (years apart now) as the years have gone by.

Your son is so young, I hate to see young people so serious so early on, at 19 they really are not ready for a marital type of relationship no matter how mature they think they are. People change so much between the ages of 20 and 30. I would suggest having your son talk to his pastor as well as your family doctor about this so that he has a good amount of knowledge to base any decision he makes on.

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C.M.

answers from Houston on

I have lived with genital herpes for many years. I got it from my husband, of whom I am no longer married to, from a sore on his mouth. It is a good thing that she told him about it. I do commend her for that. They may do it without a condom if they want kids, but it all depends on the timing. Like how often does she have an attack. Mine is maybe a few times a year. I keep the area clean and dry with powder and my attacks are not severe any more. I have taken pills before from the Dr once and never again. Like a cold it lasts for a week or so. Mine last about 3 days now. I just met a man and I told him about it and he is ok with it. I lived with a man for over 4 years and he never got it and he has been checked. We never used condoms and I always knew when an attack was comming on and I would never let him get near the area. Very cautious in that respect. My husband that gave it to me never got it on his genital area and we didn't use condoms either. Don't let a disease cloud your judgement of the person. If she didn't have it would you feel the same about her or is it some thing else that may be bothering you. It is your son's decision and if it doesn't matter to him then let it go and don't mention it. It is embarrassing enough to tell the one you love that some thing is wrong and there is nothing as of yet that can be done to change it. The man I just met is making me a mixture of herbs to take as a tea and wants me to take burdock root to help. He is a shaman. I will try it and see if it works. Stress can bring it on and I do have a stressfull job. As I said it is rare and not as bad as when I first contracted it.

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A.P.

answers from Austin on

I was in a similar situation. I was SURE I wanted to be with my boyfriend forever when I was 19. We ended things when I was 20. We never had sex, and that's good becuase at 19, you only THINK you know what you want for the rest of your life.
As far as the STDs, I married a man that has herpes. And it's not the end of the world. And it doesn't even mean condoms for the rest of his life. Your son's girlfriend can take once-daily Valtrex to avoid shedding the virus to your son. But encourage them to wait until they are MARRIED before making the decision to have sex. Even with condoms and valtrex, he can still get the virus.
STDs can't be the issue that governs whether or not you marry someone. And they are not the end of the world. Just makes the decision harder and you have to be more careful.

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M.D.

answers from El Paso on

my husband and I have been married for 32 years. he has always had herpes. He has them on in his mouth from time to time and also genital. I have never contracted them. When he has active lesions we don't have sex. stress is what seems to cause him to have an outbreak.

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S.M.

answers from San Antonio on

It is both sad and amazing to me that so many people think that they know all about herpes yet know very little! even in the health industry! Anyway that said, I have never contracted herpes, and while yes a lot of people have it, it is not all genital! when you get that little bump on the tip of your tongue that drives you crazy, that is a form of herpes! Condoms will not protect your son from herpes! she can have an outbreak on the outside of her vagina and your son can catch it because the condom does not protect from that area! I had a friend that had it, his girlfriend had it too, and they had to still be very careful not to spread it back and forth to each other during breakouts! And valtrex does help her from having "so many" break outs, it does not prevent them completely and it does not do anything from preventing him from contracting it. and he can get it even when she has no signs of a break out! To date there is no rx that can help him not contract it! Herpes is a virus and it never goes away, it lies kind of dormant in the body until the body is under some kind of stress. that can be anything from a cold to a new job to having kids or to having any kind of emotional stress. anything can trigger a breakout! there is absolutely no way to keep your son completely protected and if he contracts it he will have it for the rest of his life whether she sticks around or not! Please have your son look deeper into this issue and he should never get so comfortable with her that he has unprotected sex, even though that is not fullproof either! best of luck to all of you, pray hard about this and as far as her healing, unless a dr. says she doesn't have it anymore, I would not trust it! I am a christian too, but I know that some times God doesn't heal even the best of christians, with the best of faith! God be with you all!

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M.M.

answers from Houston on

I'd like to address the seriousness of the relationship at sucha young age because several others on here have. I don't know much about any STD's so I can't give advice there.

I'm usually one of the first to roll my eyes and think "yeah right!" when I hear someone so young say they are in love and going to get married. I don't know why I find it so unbelievable when I got married when I was only 22. I KNEW I was with the man I would marry when I was just 16 and so did he. (I'd known him since I was 5 and actually prayed to marry him when I was about 6 or 7.) We dated for 6 years before we got married. My husband (boyfriend at the time) wanted to finish college and get a job first.

All that to say teenagers are awfully young to talk about marriage but it is possible to fall in love and enter into a good and solid relationship. I would not suggest MARRIAGE at that age but I try really hard not to say that they are too young to know what love is.

In saying that: if it's the real deal then they can work through this and overcome it. It is a serious situation but it's not the end of the world.

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A.W.

answers from Houston on

Well first off let me say you have a wonderful son!!!b/c it takes a strong person to be able to deal with someone with any type of condition.. Thats like starting a relationship with strings attached.but if your son has left it in god's hands why shouldn't you!!!being a mother myself i would really talk to him and make him make me understand that he knows the hardships and trials that they may go through but once that is all said and done it is really his decision...

God bless

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P.K.

answers from Houston on

std's are no laughing matter, they are serious, but in the scope of things, herpes is not lifethreatening. every case is defferent, but if your son were to contract the disease, the first outbreak is painful, and then the symptoms get les and less. and there are medicines to help. the biggest concern is if the girlfriend (or wife) has an outbreak during labor. that is an automatic c-section, because the risks of passing herpes to a newborn ARE life-threatening. there will be bloodwork done in the hospital, and if she is unnaffected at the time, she can have the baby naturally, but if not, then the c-section. just make sure they have great healthcare.

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M.P.

answers from Odessa on

L.,
I understand your concerns for your son. However, I also have genital herpes. I have had for almost 10 years. I have been married to my husband for 3 1/2 years and he still does not have herpes and we do not use condoms. Please don't judge the young lady. It only takes 1 time with the wrong person to get any STD. You do not have to be promiscous ro have an STD. You are never healed from herpes but it can lie dormant in your body for several years. I only have a breakout about once a year. I also have 11 month old daughter. She did not contract the STD. Your son can have a very full and meaningful life with this young woman. Do you have any other concerns other than the herpes? It was very brave of the woman to be upfront with your son. Many people with STD's do not tell their partner untill they have already had sex. As long as your son is informed and knows the risk I would support him.
If you have any questions please feel freee to email me. [email protected]____.com

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B.F.

answers from Houston on

L. this is a very serios relationship for your son and he doesnt know the risk that hes taking.I feel hurt for you as a mother knowing how we love our kids so much and we dont want anything to happen to them.Have you explain to him that if shes not the one for him later on in life and if he catch the std what is he going to do.Let him know that no woman wants a man with an std especially one that you cant cure.Get him some graphic pictures of the diease and ask him is this how you want to live your life with blisters and sores on your private body part.Let him know that he will have to wear a condom everytime he has sex with her and they are not 100% safe.Good luck with the situation and I will be praying for you.B. F.

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L.J.

answers from Hartford on

My problem with herpes has caused me many traumas, especially in my sex life. I was so afraid of infecting my boyfriend, I suffered the embarrassment of visiting dermatologists queries hundreds of times. Unfortunately, they did not find a definitive solution to my problem.The solution came from the least expected place. By reading in a specialized forum on the subject, mentioned a method for eliminating herpes. Many people had tried, with excellent and quick results.I had nothing to lose so I decided to use this method to eliminate my herpes. spent six weeks using this method and my herpes completely disappeared. I recommend this method to all people who want to eliminate the herpes from your body forever,contact [email protected]____.com

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K.M.

answers from Houston on

I contracted Herpes while in a marriage. It took a while to be diagnosed. By then I was divorced and in a serious relationship so it was too late for my fiance to get to make a decicision. We have been together 15 years and he has never had an outbreak. I believe he still could be a carrier.

The Valtrex prevents outbreaks which will prevent your son from exposure.

Believe me, I know when I am beginning to have an outbreak so they could just avoid sex during that time. My outbreaks are excruciatingly painful so we can't have intercourse anyway, maybe that is why my husband seems to have never contracted it.

I actually believe I am cured of my Herpes. I don't know how I came up with this idea but I had some Colodial Silver on hand when I had an outbreak and immediately applied it for a couple of days directly on the lesion. Miraciouisly it went away. It was not long before I felt another one coming on and I did the same thing. It went away again. I have not had an outbreak since and the reason I think I am cured is because I have been under tremondous stress since then and normally would have had an outbreak and I didn't.

I know there has been a man on T.V. lately that used Colodial Silver and his face turned blue but he was making his own and was putting it on his face everyday. I buy it from a health food store and it is not as potent as the home made stuff the man on T.V was usung.

I highly recommend you buying some Colodial Silver and having her try it. She has nothing to lose and if hers is anything nearly as painful as mine and it works she will love you for it.

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B.P.

answers from Houston on

I have a friend who contacted this from her husband (he did not know he had it) when she was 19. She is now 51. She and 1st husband divorced and has remarried, 25 years ago She has had 4 children via c-section. She opted for c-section b/c of the increased chance of passing it to the child thru vaginal delivery. Her current husband (of 25 years) has not gotten this from her. They were counseled by a dr. specializing in this and their pastor. They obviously do not use condoms since they have 4 children. She has not had an outreak in many many years. It is a calculated risk that should be considered thoroughly. Good luck.

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N.P.

answers from Austin on

To Heather - It's not true that a doctor can't test for it only when there is an outbreak. In fact, you can be tested at any time but it must be through a blood test.

To L. - your heart is in the right place. It's good to be involved in your son's life. At this point I would think the fact that he wants to get married would have a bigger impact (if it's the wrong choice) over her health condition. I personally live with this strain of the virus; I don't know when I got it or how long I had it before I was diagnosed. To tell you the truth I wouldn't know what an outbreak was like or if I've ever had one. I only know I have it because I was tested via blood test. My husband and I initially talked about it and made it a conscious choice not to use a condom. And we haven't thought about it much since. So, I guess I'm just trying to convey that it hasn't been a big deal in our lives, from my point of view. Good Luck!

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H.F.

answers from San Angelo on

I have a testimony of the healing power of Christ but herpes is manageable, not generally healable. I have a family member who got that same thing. She had always been in serious relationships but one time the "world" got to her and she got careless. She had to tell her husbandto be and he took it very well. I personally don't know if I could be that accepting, but that is nothing to take lightly and may really be a sign of his committment to her. He may end up contracting it or else how could they conceive. I think it needs to be up to him as long as he is educated. Just make sure to encourage him to wait until they are married. He is really young and may want to lighten it up a bit anyway.

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L.C.

answers from Killeen on

I have a couple of friends who have the same problem. One friend (girl) was raped. She takes meds for it now. It helps her and her hubby. He has never had it and they have been married for about 10 years. Both wonderful christians.
The second friend was married to a man who had it. They are now divorced. Very sad!! She is a christian but he is ??? She never developed any symptoms and they were married about 18 years. (he cheated) Anyay, if he had an outbreak, they didn't have sex.
The way I undertand it is if a woman has it, she can have the medication for it and not have sex if there is an outbreak.
I think the children are all born by c-section so there is no chance for them to develop it.
Praying for your son. This is a big decision but I believe God can heal anything.

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C.N.

answers from Longview on

He will not have to use a condom b/c the only time she will be contagious is if she has a break-out and there are medications to prevent them that can be prescribed by a physician and they do work besides the fact that God could have truly healed her. Have faith and trust in Him. If it is meant to be it will happen if not then it won't. I pray for God's will and peace for you!

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F.G.

answers from Austin on

I was married when I was 20 years old. I had a permiscuous past as well, but had recently come back to God. My husband hadn't. At the time I didn't want to get married and I didn't even know that I loved him, because I didn't think he could be humble enough to find Christ as well. But he had proposed and so I went to God and prayed fervently to know what I should do. My answer was undeniable. I should marry this man. So I did, even though there were so many reasons to be unsure (age, religion, relationship problems, etc.) I married him anyway and we now have such a perfect life. My husband is now the most faithful man I know. It still shocks me when I step back and see everything that God had in store for me. We now have an amazing life together, an 18 month old and a new one on the way any day now. I can see why God wanted him for me and me for him. I believe that as long as you have undying faith in God that He will make sure that you are happy. I believe that anything is possible through faith in Him. The best thing you can do is be happy for your son and be there for him, and always remind him to never waver in his faith.

Don't be quick to judge this girl. It was very brave of her to be honest with your son. That shows integrity. She clearly has your son's best interest at heart. Give them love, support, and help keep their faith strong and there will be nothing that can't accomplish together.

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J.S.

answers from Killeen on

Sorry to rain on the parade here, but if it's not concerning him too much, then why is it concerning you? Yes, he is your child, but he is a young adult, and it is still his decision. You know that he is making an informed decision about his sex life, and his future, so let it go. If you push this issue too far, you'll just seal your own fate and push him away from you, and more towards her. I'd be furious if I were your 19 year old daughter and you posted this about me on this website.

By the way, you can be a carrier of both herpes viruses and never have a breakout. Many people carry the virus(es) and don't even realize it.

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D.L.

answers from Houston on

I too have GH. I just got out of an almost ten year marriage. My husband never got GH from me the whole time we were together. I know they say that GH can be transmitted even without an outbreak, but it never happened to us. if I had or thought I was going to have an outbreak (there are little signs)we abstained. She can also be on preventative meds that seem to suppress the virus. The biggest worry to me was when I had my son. If the virus is in outbreak during delivery, the baby could have complications, such as blindness. Luckily there as no outbreak and my son is very healthy. GH is not life threatening, it's just very uncomfortable for the person infected. In fact I can't remember the last time I had an outbreak. Be happy that she has found God and that God has seen fit to bring her to your son. If she is truly the one then accept it and look forward to their happiness.

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M.S.

answers from Longview on

I haven't been there, but someone I know very well has.

First things first, I believe God can do all things, but that doesn't get us out of making responsible decisions. If your son believes she's healed, that doesn't mean neither of them are responsible for protecting themselves (or him, I guess). There are medications out there for her that can help, and he should be using a condom at all times. No, there's not a foolproof way to avoid getting it, but if they use multiple kinds of protection (medication, condoms, avoiding sex when an outbreak is coming), his chances get better and better.

You mention that you wouldn't find a lifetime of sex with a condom appealing, but if they love each other the way you say they do, it's a small price to pay for getting to be with her.

Press them to be careful and responsible, but I think that's about all you can (or should) do. Most people come into a relationship with some baggage. Hers just happens to be more apparent.

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S.E.

answers from Austin on

Check out the CDC website. There is alot of info on diseases, including STDs. There are suppressant therapies and people who have HSV2 usually know when they are going to have an outbreak. SHe should be taking a B complex and LLysine everyday. There are also herbal treatments which shorten the length of the outbreak etc.
Please remember that regardless of her background, herpes is in the chickenpox family and MANY people have a type of herpes and dont know it. HSV1 and HSV2 can be on differnet parts of the body. This is why making a vaccine is nearly impossible. They cant find enough people with NO antibodies. Even if she was a virgin she could have HSV.
Check out that center for disease control website as well as others to get lots of info.
Sam E.
www.wholisticmidwifery.com

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K.S.

answers from Houston on

Hi L.--
You are so wise to consider the physical accomodations that will be part of their intimate life. Your young but adult son loves her and thinks she's the one, so he may decide to take the risk physically for the sake of intimacy and oneness.

However, you didn't mention what your pastor thinks.... Marriage being one of the most important decisions in a person's entire life should always be covered in prayer(I'm sure it has been with the couple and you too)but also submitted to the spiritual authority in your son's life....someone who could be his mentor, for example...like a church elder or his pastor. Sometimes we think we have it all lined out in God's will and can move forward, but a confirmation from his spiritual authority (someone that knows your son well and has met with both of them) can make a world of difference for everyone's peace of mind and thus follows joy without reservations!

Remember there is God's "permissive will" (e.g.divorce allowed after adultery), and then there is God's "perfect will" (what God has planned).

Keep seeking Him with all your hearts & He will be found! I'll be praying for the Holy Spirit to lead all of you in wisdom and love....and HEALING...perfect wholeness for her body and their union. "The marriage bed is undefiled."

(Hey if Hosea could do it, so can your son!)

Sincerely,
K.
P.S. If you'd like to visit again with me more easily, I have a myspace where I'm known as MK Mom: www.myspace.com/ksprinkle1

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T.M.

answers from College Station on

L.,
I read about ten of the responses and had to stop... I am 21 years old and married. I have been married for 2 and a half years. My husband and I both knew we were ment for each other when we met. I was his first real relationship also. everyone told us not to get married and that it wouldn't last and so on and so on. It hasn't been the easiest thing i have ever done in my life but I wouldn't trade a minute of it for anything in the world. With that said I would tell you to trust your son. Tell him your concerns ONCE. and then be at peace with his decision. you might think he is ONLY 19 but he is an adult... as far as the girl goes about the herpes... I am sure he has thought through the consequences a few times and knows what he is getting into. I would suggest like someone else mentioned that they go to a doctor together (only them, possible future mother in law doesn't need to go ;) - they are big boys and girls!) and once he hears it from someone other than a family member or friend and still is all for it - then again come to terms with the decision privatly and support him. If it doesn't work out in the end - he is going to need your love and support - not an I TOLD YOU SO... I am not sure this will help you but I thought I would give you a little insight to what your son might be feeling... My husband and I are wonderfully in love and don't see it changing at all. (we also have a two year old son together) sometimes what you think impossible is actually possible!

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C.A.

answers from Houston on

We were all young once and some do change as we grow. Give her a chance. Don't close your eyes but atleast she admits to not having the greatest history but she is not lying and trying to hide it either.

Herpes should not be the reason for them not getting married. Did she say she had promiscuous background or did you just assume b/c she had herpes? You can get it many other ways Bathrooms, shared clothes etc. But you can also live a normal life with it...

Just ask for time so they can grow together. They are both still babies. There is no rush to get married they are both so really young.

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L.W.

answers from Austin on

I have had herpes since I was 19 years old. I am now 46. I have been married for my husband almost 11 years and thank God have never given it to him. I do have to work at it. Whenever I even think I may have an outbreak we obstain. I do believe that there are medications for it now, however, if you manage it the problem seems minor. I don't know how you would talk to her, but she has to tell him and allow him to make the decision about taking on the risk. Plus she needs to tell the doctor when (or if) she ever gets pregnant. Other than that it is really not a huge problem. Hope that helped.

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S.G.

answers from Houston on

L. - I have no experience with this except with the age of your son and his thought process that she is the one, he may be "okay " with being sexual with her without using protection because he thinks he will be with her the rest of his life so he wouldnt be risking any other partners. You should definitely encourage him to speak to a medical professional about how to be with a partner with an STD and not contract it. When they want to try to have a baby...no protection will be used for sure. Be glad that the girl was up front and honest about her STD..there are many people out there with it and they never confess to it.

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B.J.

answers from San Antonio on

There is a new drug out that one takes on a regular basis that should help. I don't know the name of it. But I know someone who was involved with a person who had herpes. The guy didn't tell the girl until they were serious but she loved him and it didn't make a difference. So they lived together for around 11 years, had unprotected sex when he didn't have any breakouts and to my knowledge she didn't develop herpes. So I suppose although the professionals say it can be transmitted even without breakouts that there is a chance the partner won't develop herpes. But if they feel this is their partner for life, I don't think there is a problem as they won't be with another partner only each other. Your son is very young but I have known people that young who know their heart and it lasts a long time. Another friend met her husband when she was 14, had pre-marital sex, got pregnant, married and is now around 70 years of age and still married to him. Being a Christian and an ex-minister's wife, I feel lots of prayer should be involved in this and maybe a long engagement. I know that's hard on kids today as they want to rush into things. I know as a mother your heart is in the right place and very concerned for your child - I don't know how long your son has known this young lady but I would try to encourage them to wait on marriage for awhile as they are both so young.

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M.R.

answers from Houston on

I am thankful that both your son and his girlfriend are Christians. Having the Lord at the center of your marriage is essential to having a successful marriage. However, I remember being 19. I thought I was going to marry every guy I dated. At 32 I've been married over 6 years. I can honestly say I am so thankful I did not marry any of the men I dated before I was 23! It sounds like your son and his girlfriend are very young and in love with the concept of marriage. I have to wonder how long they have been dating. If they really want to get married they have to get pre-marital counseling from a godly counselor or marriage and family therapist. If they won't listen to you, maybe a Christian counselor or therapist can give your son and his girlfriend the reality check they need before jumping into marriage.

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S.M.

answers from San Francisco on

I think your son is too young to be thinking about marriage. As for the girl, I don't mean to judge, but I think he should move on. She has too much "baggage" for such a young girl. She is in a very serious situation and while he sounds mature, probably not mature enough to realize the stress it will bring for the rest of his life. You sound like a great MOM. You and your husband should just sit him down and have a long serious talk about it.

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S.E.

answers from Austin on

Hello L. R,
I think you would be very surprised at # of people living with genital herpes (regardless of a promiscuous or Christian). There is a wonderful maintenance medication called Valtrex, and taken once a day, will prevent her from outbreaks. Additionally, it prevents him from contracting herpes. She can get a prescription discreetly from her ob/gyn. Also, you may try to suggest in a loving, empathetic, non-judgemental way that a long engagement is in both of their best interests. This, perhaps, will see if the Christianity is the real deal - (I wouldn't put those words around it in the suggestion).

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N.H.

answers from Houston on

Try to discourage your son from marrying the young lady.

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R.H.

answers from El Paso on

Dear L.,
Don't worry - they are Christians. They are serving God. Do you have any clue how many of us are out here praying for our children to be where these kids are spiritually? As far as a condom goes - it's ok. I have had a dear friend who's husband cannot and has not been able to get an erection for years. They are one of the happiest couples I know - they are Children of the Most High God and they know they are blessed to have each other and they express it daily. Be happy that your son has found someone who shares the most important thing in the world with him - his God.

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A.C.

answers from Houston on

My husband of 25 years has had it all that time and so far has not given it to me because he can tell when he might be going to break out and we just abstain, although he hardly ever gets any outbreaks anymore (once every few years).
We do have a child, but my doctor took precautions even though there was no outbreak during that time.
Linda

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T.D.

answers from Houston on

He is only 19. This is his first serious relationship.

I have to repeat those lines back because I cannot stress enough the importance of waiting before he make such a huge decision, especially with the STD issue. I'm not saying that love like that is not possible at 19, but a man who is very close to me made a decision similar to that at 19, and it "ruined his life". Although there was not an STD involved, the "older woman" has a premiscuous past that also involved drugs. Needless to say, it didn't work out. His advice is that a guy should wait til at least 21 before making that decision. Or, at least until he has had more experience in dating.

Although the girl is entitled to love, that is your son. I know this must be hard.

J.B.

answers from Houston on

Hi L.!
Well I also have many friends who have this problem. I was actually surprised to realize how common it is these days. I am in agreement with many on the board that if they do choose to marry, they can work together to prevent spreading the disease and have a great intimate life. Through medication and barrier methods I think it is a very manageable problem. I do think that it is ok that you are helping your son through this now but if he does actually purpose to her then you probably should lay low about it after that because she will be his future wife. As far as their age being and issue, they are very young but I also know several couples who married young and are very happy. I have some friends who are youth pastors and married at 17 and 18. Now they are about 20 and 21 with kids and doing just great, they have an awesome ministry together. My pastor's kids married at 18 and will both be graduating college this summer, so life isn't over if they do marry young. I didn't marry until I was 30 and that can be challenging too I mean I was all stuck in my ways and had to be set straight a few times! I wish you guys all the best!

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N.K.

answers from Sherman on

Your son and his girlfriend should BOTH go to a doctor together and get a complete check up BEFORE they get married. They must be completely honst w/Dr. The doctor will explain everything to them, and most likely give the best advice they could get on this and other questions they may have. They may want to make a list of questions and things they want to ask the Dr. Blesing to you .

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J.M.

answers from Austin on

I have a close friend who has had to deal with this. I won't go into her details....

I will be frank becasue I imagine that is why you are asking.

He is young and what seems like no big deal today might seem differant in the future.

In some respects it's not a big deal but there is a VERY high chance he will get it. And not to be crude but condoms arent' the only thing he will need to be careful about. There are other acts in which he can catch it and in other places on ones body. BUT there are some simple guidlines that can be followed so it's not passed. He would need to talk to a Dr.

This will also effect how they will have children. I am sure she is aware of that. It's no big deal but once again...talk to a Dr.

If she is the one then she is the one and this is soemthing they can live with but I would advise him to wait a few years before making that choice. Because it's simply not just about a life with condoms. It's about a life with GH. Those "rules" that they would have to follow they will always have to follow. He might feel differant in a few years when the first buds of romace wears off and the reality of it all seeps in.

My friend is happily married but her hubby contracted it becasue she didn't know she had it. She had no symptoms. So even if you think you are being safe there will always be a risk.

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J.M.

answers from San Antonio on

If you've truly done your research you would find that some people have estimated that probably as much as 80% of people are carriers of the Herpes virus, even if they have never experienced an outbreak. If this young woman and your son are truly in love, and if they have prayed about their relationship and feel strongly that they are right for one another, that should be the end of the debate. There are tons of people who live with Herpes and live completely normal lives. I find it refreshing that this young woman was up front and honest with your son, knowing that others find it easy to make judgments about such things. It doesn't really matter what appeals to you - this is about your son's choice - leave it to him, and if you are truly a follower of Christ you will put aside your judgmental thoughts and comments. And if your son were to contract it, which is unlikely if they are aware of it and take precautions, it would not be the end of the world. It's no different than any other medical problem, and you shouldn't judge someone for having it just because it's passed on through sexual contact. You can get the flu from sexual contact, too! Please excuse me if I'm coming on a little strong, but it breaks my heart when I'm working with people who are emotionally traumatized by the "stigma" that society has placed on this - just be Christlike and don't judge, and everything else will take care of itself. It sounds like your son trusts you a lot, so you've obviously done a good job raising him. Trust him to make the right choices.

As a health practitioner, I have personally worked with many people with Herpes who have contracted it very innocently (i.e., in a marriage relationship when the other partner was not aware they were a carrier, as an example). Society has placed an unnecessary stigma on Herpes and we are all responsible for changing that perception. Just because a person has Herpes does not mean they are promiscuous.

Thanks for listening.

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R.J.

answers from Houston on

Your son's commitment to Christ is for him to work out, I've been a Christian for 25 years have 4 children and 1 grandson, seems to me, her past should remain in the past, with Christ that's where it stays, I'm sure those issues belong to them, not you, speaking from personal experience, let them work out their relationship with Christ, and eachother. Pray for them, but let it go.

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R.S.

answers from Houston on

No advice for you really, but this is probably a good place to start for advice. Good luck. Just make sure he realizes that if the marriage doesn't work out (last thing on his mind right now) and he gets the STD......he's stuck with it....

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D.A.

answers from Corpus Christi on

Pray for complete healing. Ask God for the answers you seek.

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C.M.

answers from Houston on

If they get married she can get on Valtrex which will greatly reduce the odds of her spreading herpes to your son. This is actually a common scenario and millions of couples around the world live with it. It's unfortunate but the way it is for many.

Have you suggested pre-marriage counseling? I strongly advise it. I refused to pay for my daughter's wedding until they had completed a pastoral pre-marriage counseling course and I am so glad they did it! I think you might benefit also from pastoral counseling. It can really really help. You never know what will happen in the future, if they go to counseling and decide to get married they may be very happy, and isn't that what you want the most for your child? Best wishes!

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T.W.

answers from Houston on

L.,
I got herpies from my first relationship when I was 16. And from that relationship I have a 15yr old daughter of a vaginal birth. Years later I married another man, and we had a son of a vaginal birth. And without any protection or meds I never gave the STD to anyone. Yes it is true that people make mistakes and we all know that God Fearing people should not judge, however seeing as we are all human that can be hard to do at times. Especially now that you are conserned for your son. I was once in their shoes. and that only thing that I could say is make sure that they both know what to look for with this STD, what the signs and symptoms are, just simply be aware. know that even a fever blister on your lip, and the giving of oral sex can lead to a outbreak. Life with condoms is not fair nor does give any pleasure. your son and his girlfriend, obviously have talked about this and they are both conserned about it (otherwise they would not have talked about it). It sounds like a very healthy and open relationship. And we all know that relationships are not easy and most of them come with a past. They will learn how to work with it and make sure that they both stay safe, because they are both aware of the relusts if they dont. Its not the worst thing that could happen, there could be a whole lot more baggage that she could be bringing into the relationship, but she is being open and honest with your son, and he has obvoiusly accepted her for who she is and all of her downfalls, faults, mistakes, and pasts.
T. W

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M.S.

answers from College Station on

L.,

I think it is great that you want to make sure that your son thinks through all the consequences of choosing to marry her. I personally know someone who has this condition, but was able to have a vaginal birth. As far as I can tell, she has a GREAT marriage. And just stating the condition of your son's girlfriend and being concerned about your son and his future is NOT judgemental! You're being a wise and loving mom! Good for you!

Blessings,
M.
Mom to 5 Wonderful Kids
www.4MyChildrenSake.com

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C.B.

answers from Houston on

I owuld suggest couseling with the doctor to answer any quesitons for them-such as pregnancy and delivery for babies.
I know 2nd Baptist has a good pre-marital course that is highly recommended.

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D.M.

answers from Houston on

There is a oral medication that can be taken by the person to prevent spread of the infection. I cant remeber what it is called but you can ask your phys. I am sure the Girl's phys. has discussed this with her and she is possibly on it.

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B.B.

answers from Houston on

tell him not to do anything untill he knows that she has gotten rid of all the dises she has cause he could get it.

buy

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S.D.

answers from New York on

I'm S. Dean from USA i was cured of HERPES with natural herbs by a herbal doctor. I had my first outbreak of oral herpes nearly 14 years ago. Of all the horridness, the pain and itching were unbearable. I literally freaked out as my general physician said that it had no cure. The outbreaks were not that frequent initially, but every time I'd fall sick, it would resurface. I had so many sores this year that I was desperate to try anything to get rid of them. Three months ago a friend suggested that I try herbal medicine; from a very powerful herbal doctor called Dr Okadukpon. I looked up his blog on the internet site and indeed he have had immense success with his product. There were lot of persons posting their testimony about how he cured them. I quickly applied through his email as ([email protected]____.com) or ([email protected]____.com). and started using his remedies. I'm so relieved to say that I've been cure and my hospital result came out negative and I've not had even one outbreak for a whole 2 month now. Moreover, I'm feeling great from within. I truly endorse Dr Okadukpon HerbalCenter, it really works for me. so if you are also heart broken and also need a help, you can also email him with is email as;([email protected]____.com) or ([email protected]____.com). He is also able to cure all manner of VIRUS even (COPD), HIV/AIDS, Lower Respiratory Infections, Trachea, Bronchus, and Lung Cancers, Diarrheal Diseases, Diabetes Mellitus, Preterm Birth Complications, Tuberculosis (TB).

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K.B.

answers from Houston on

That is a tough situation. However, your son is 19. He is an adult, so the decision is his. The fact that his girlfriend has been open about her past and condition shows quite a bit of character and that she does care for your son. The fact that he is researching the subject also shows that your son is concerned and is taking responsibilty for his wellbeing. Hopefully , he will trust in the facts and the truths you point out versus just believing that God has healed her- that is what scares me here. I am a Christian and former youth leader. His view, if it is what you say it is, is a little warped. You are correct that there is no medical cure for this disease- only treatment. I do not believe that the girlfriend not being cured is God's will. God, just like you wants the very best for His children. People are the cause of the transmission of this disease. God did not give her herpes and he will not take it away- unless through medicine we find that cure. As a parent, I would want to know that my child fully understood this fact.

Personally, I would continually support your son and his realtionship. Herpes is not a tragedy,and is manageable- there are much bigger trials that couples face daily. I am 36 years old and newly married. I spent many years looking for that special someone, not to mention someone my family liked, and that my church would approve of. As a result, I spent many years alone and was very critical of the men I dated. It took me along to time to truly love someone and let myself be loved - all our faults and shortcomings included. If your son and his girlfriend are being open, honest, and including God in their relationship with each other - Kudos to them! They are far ahead of most. You can be proud of them for this - be sure they know!

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F.D.

answers from Houston on

Your son is obviously not ready to get married to this woman since he has no problem putting her personal business out. She shared this with him, not you. You are butting in where you don't belong. He needs to grow up. Things that are shared between a husband and wife are private. Maybe he could start to practice this now. If I was his fiance, I would be deeply hurt and disappointed about this violation.

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D.L.

answers from San Antonio on

My opinion is more so of the age of your son. 19 is very young, a person still has so much to learn. Not to say that they cannot be happily married bc they are young, but they should definitely pray about it HARD and also know one another inside and out. They seem to be communicating well if she informed him of her situation and they are trying to work around it. Just be supportive and pray he and she are mature enough to make such a lifelong commitment.
God Bless You....Trust in God for he knows the desires of your heart as a mom. And as far as your son, remember Jeremiah 29:11-13 - keep praying!

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G.A.

answers from Houston on

At the risk of sharing too much information, I do not foresee marriage with condoms as a problem. My husband and I have been married eight years. I have had some issues with birth control not working with my body and we have just gone to using condoms instead of putting my body through any more stress. We have two beautiful children and in our minds are finished having children but with the alternative to the pill being a tubal or a vasectomy for him, we have just made this decision together. It is not a hindrance when you love someone.

Although I do second the comment about them being young, definitely get them to a pre-marital counseling, just so they are open and up front about everything before they get married. Finances can be a real marriage killer or even parenting styles for when they do have children, all these are important issues.

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S.B.

answers from Killeen on

Well, this is a very serious ordeal, I believe. Although I'm not a mother of a 19 year old...I AM a 21 year old who was diagnosed with herpes when I was 17. I've been taking Valtrex daily ever sense then. Herpes cannot be "healed" as your son thinks, no matter how christian he or she is. But the good news is that I'm now married and haven't given it to my partner after being with him for two years. We've been sexually active for about a year and a half. I would recomend Valtrex to your son's girlfriend, although it IS very expensive without insurance ($365 for 90). It's the only pill you take once a day for herpes and the only medicine proven to HELP prevent passing it to others. I also had sexual partners before my husband now who also did not contract the disease. I think you have every right to be worried but I hope I relieved a little stress about it. Good luck!

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