Advice for Not Going Back to Work - to Be More of a Help and Support for My Kids

Updated on April 02, 2008
N.B. asks from Manchester, NH
12 answers

I am currently going for a legal separation and currently on Short Term Disability due to major depression and high anxiety - I am considering not going back to work due to mental illness and my kids are asking me to stay home to be able to be there for them so I can be more involved w/my son's school and my daughter wants to take dance - if i work - they cannot do this and i run very ragged and not able to help my kids w/homework and other activities. My husbands makes about 170 - 180 thousand a year - i would like to stay in this house for my kids - he pays everything now - and my check is used for food, gas and kids things which goes fast about 300.00 a week - My job will not support too much more of STD - my son has been out twice already due to his allergies/athsma which i would have been placed on management performance - Could I go for disability w/the State of NH until I am better? I feel I need to be here for my kids - will i make it? Currently child support in NH is 40% of gross and i have 2 kids and alimony is 33% of gross - this morgage is 2000.00 /mo not including 5000.00 taxes - and this is now a 30 year loan - we were down to 10 years - He has a spending problem - then utilities, heat, tv, phone - We refinanced at the beginning of the year and put yet again - all the credit card debt into this house - we have a maine house owing 94,000 - i want to sell the maine house and put that income back into this one to reduce the payment - Currently he pays all expenses - even my car - my income is about 325.00 week - 60 for daycare - food is at least 130.00, gas 35.00 - then there are school items, lunches etc - it runs out quickly. I do have a great church - and i take my kids there - he has yet to be served the papers and i am scared - he will come at me upset - but i can't just let this in limbo to see if he will decide to come back - meantime he is spending alot on other women and really not helping w/the kids. I am worried that I will have to sell this house and move - and my kids are too because depending on where you live - that is what school you go to and they don't want to switch schools. Right now he says he is taking time to think and figure out his life - but our church has reached out to him many times. I hope he turns for the help - b/c we do make a good couple and are active - and i miss him - he just says he loves me - but not in love w/me. The church advises that in time and finding out our roots our passion would return - but he cannot see this b/c he gets involved w/other women - he can't be alone....

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So What Happened?

So far to this date - papers still haven't been served - he called me and misses me - but he hasn't changed. - So - i'm still waiting for the BIG fall out. I believe I do have a good lawyer - one that 2 women recommended to me. But GOD will be my helper in all this - so I am induldging in my bible studies - the women's group and my church.
Let you know when the papers are served......

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answers from Boston on

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answers from Lewiston on

I concur with Lisa's suggestions... they are great... I too have been thru divorce (with a cheating husband) tho my children were older, I filed when my youngest graduated high school.

Now for YOU. It is possible that your husband is a sex addict. They are people (like alcoholics) that just cannot control their behaviour. I'm not saying its ok to do these things, cuz by all means it is NOT, and unless he gets into a 12-step program and WANT to change, it isn't going to happen. I gave my ex chance after chance and I had no peace until I divorced him.

There are support groups out there, and information online (thru yahoo groups for instance) about this disease, and the people there are very VERY supportive. The online group for yahoo is

The reason I suggest this is that you will find you are not alone, that there are others that share your frustration, the feeling that you probably had in finding things out, etc. and the inability to have a group of people that truly understand what you are going thru. It sucks. Down and dirty, it sucks.

I am happier now than I have ever been, there IS hope after divorce, and I manage on my own. you can do it also !!

I am also involved in another group... here is the link if you are interested:
This group which I am active in is for women recovering from and trying to have healthy relationships.

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answers from Chattanooga on

i'm sorry that he's being such a jerk but your kids need a healthy mom..does your insurance cover counciling that wil help with the depression plus mabye meds & don't let him know your depressed as he may try for custody so he won't have to pay will have alot of tough days ahead becoming a single mom plus some lifestyle changes like budgeting extra..believe me i know 4 kid & a budget of 800 mnth lol but make it work i wish you luck. but you will be better off in the long run.

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answers from Washington DC on

Hi N.,
Sounds like Lisa F has been most helpful. It helps to continue communicating with someone awhile you go along with things to help you keep perspective as you work through the details. I will pray for you; I can talk anytime also but I do not know as much as Lisa F. :) Don't get afraid, keep in touch with us as you do what you must do. It may get tough but not impossible and definitely worth it. We are for you but better than that "God is for you" also. My e-mail is [email protected] if you want to talk.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on


Take a look for an attorney who specializes in dealing with Social Security for disability insurance. They will need to speak to your doctor or psychiatrist in order to establish medical necessity for disability. It is a LONG process, it took my mom 2 years with Multiple Sclerosis to get approved. The attorney will also work with your company's human resources department about long term disability insurance coverage if it is part of your benefits, and establishing a disability, even if you are still working with it, to make sure that they can't fire you for being out on days when you are having a problem. This falls under FMLA. If you have what is called "a chronic and continuing condition" which will cause intermittent absences from work, and your doc fills out the paperwork, you can take up to twelve weeks of time out sick, but it is unpaid, related to your condition, and your employer can't touch you for it.

As far as what you can expect in terms of alimony and child support, I can't tell you, I'm not familiar with those procedures.

Good luck to you!


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answers from New York on

You've been thorough alot just from your email alone. I can tell that through it all you are a strong woman and a survivor which I believe we all are.In time he will see his mistakes and will regret them. I can help with you if you are looking for income it is a very simple process and I say it from experience. This business is helping with my income and it can help you as well . I can assure you it is not a scam in fact you can attend a meeting to find out further information.Please dont hesitate to visit my website at or call me at ###-###-####. There is no limits to how much you want to make .you hyave bills to pay and you can help others and get paid as well.

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answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi, 2 points:

1. Get a REALLY GOOD lawyer. A GOOD one. Ask around.

2. Find a job that makes you feel capable and skilled, even if its just serving coffee. Staying at home all the time is just likely to cause your self-esteem to sink further.

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answers from Lancaster on

Hi! N., I think it would be really hard to go back to work and try and deal with every thing that is going on right now in your life, especially if it would be full-time. You need to be there as much as you can for your kids and it would make you feel better if you can be. I would love to talk with you about something that I know will help you. This is something that I would rather talk on the phone about. If you would like to hear what I have to offer, just reply to this or email me at [email protected] and I will give you my phone number. I would love to help you and hope to hear from you soon!! Pam

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answers from Syracuse on

I am in the same exact position, I have depression/anxiety and I applied for disability...I have a similar relationship setting going on except im not married ....but i have been thru a series of abusive ones ... I feel so stuck right now its not even funny .. I am however going to therapy four times a week and I am building a support network It is important and that is why I joined this site because the therapist told me I need to make my support network bigger and I think that is what you need to do to Im not talking about your everyday family Im talking about the people that will be there for you after the fall out ... man it sux to even think about that.... C.

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answers from Boston on

1st thing sweetie, you need to get away from this man. I do not suggest quiting your job. You need to keep your job, and you need to get yourself in to some good therapy and get yourself so you can handle what is coming up. Your children need you, all of you. I have gone through a divorce and mental issues. I am sure he knows you are going through all this and uses it against you and with a divorce he is going to try to show you unfit. So you need to do what you can to get yourself a lawyer that will help you. That is your first step. After that..then think about not going back to work. Do not let this man control you, it is not best for the children to see or anything. Show this man you are in control..and do the right thing and hand him the papers for divorce. We are all here for you.. But don't quit your job, if need be find one that is mothers hours or something... but don't go jobless. Babysteps ok, you can do it.. also get a good counselor who can help you with drug therapy and regular therapy ok. :) I know it is hard.. but you need to get away from him.. for the kids sake.

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answers from Syracuse on

Hi N..
First off, I am sorry to hear of your troubles. I also have had some experience with depression/anxiety, as well as getting divorced.
Here's my suggestion. Find an attorney. File for divorce, with one of the stipulations being he pays for all legal costs. I'm not sure of your state, but here in NY, child support obligation for 2 children is 17% of the father's income. That in itself should be plenty to sustain you and your children after your STD money has run out. (Based on 175k, you're looking at about $2500 per month.) You could apply for SSI (Supplemental Security Income) or Disability. Your mental issues are indeed a disability. Contact your local Social Security office. Nowadays, 'alimony' is not the same as it once was, so I'm not sure if you'd be able to get that (in NY, it's one year of alimony for every 5 years of marriage...however, I was a housewife...if you've worked in the marriage, that might make it difficult as well...unless it can be established that you're unable to work.
I know it might seem odd to you, but speak to your husband. Tell him what you've told us. Tell him your concerns about your ability to manage a job, as well as the duties of being the best mom you can be to your kids. He may be willing to just agree to a certain amount of support money that would permit you to continue the lifestyle to which you've become accustomed to, and to be able to stay home with the children. Don't tell him about your mental issues, he may use that against you later.
You've not mentioned the ages of your children. My school has a support group for children whose parents are going through divorce. Is this something that might be available for your children? The district also has a psychologist available for situations such as these. Look into the school district's a good thing you've recognized how this is affecting your children. Lots of kids go, and it may help your children to know that they are not alone...and lots of kids go through excatly what they are going through.
I hope my advice has helped you. Feel free to contact me anytime if you need someone to listen.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not let failure be an option. You are about to enter the exhilarating world of the single mom. It’s not easy but you can handle anything that is thrown at you because there is no other choice. Stand strong and do not let them see you cry. This is not the time to buckle under the pressure. Your children need you. Take your mental issues and push them aside for now. You can deal with them later. There is no time for depression or anxiety.

If I were you, I would take this time before the divorce to take some classes. Take as many as you can. With a degree in something, you have a better chance of working part time and making enough money to make ends meet. Do not rely on him to pay all of your bills. When the children turn 18 the child support goes away. If he loses his job the support goes down. You need to find a way to be sure your children will always have everything they need, even after they turn 18. (lets face it, no 18 year old is ready to be on their own without help striaght out of high school)

I am a single mother of 2 little girls ages 4 and 5. I work full time and in the fall I will be going to school full time. I still have time to be in my children’s life because I make time. I wish someone had told me what I have learned for myself in these past 2 years what I am telling you now. It might have been a little bit easier.

Edit: wow I didn't realise I was so late... hehe

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