Advice for Family That Is Driving Me Crazy

GET THERAPY! seriously i have the same problem with my family and it was driving me nuts and i just couldnt deal with them anymore. so i started seeing a counselor LFMT that helps me through all of it and how to actually deal with them, because i do the same thing and have the same guilt. One of the things I can tell you is that you have to set boundaries with them and as hard as it is but dont pick up when they call all the time. i am still trying to be a strong person in this, but i recommend you talk with a family/marriage counselor who can help you understand family systems and why they treat you the way they do and how to deal with them. it helps me out a lot with my sanity!!!!!!!!

I agree with what has been written so far and also want to add another technique to your arsenal. Try turning the focus onto them instead of you. Ie. - they are calling completely focused on your behavior and what they can criticize about it. Instead, turn the focus onto them. For example, if your mother says, "you are a weak person and that's why you married your husband," you can respond, "Do you feel that you did a poor job raising me - that you raised me to be a weak person?" When your siblings call and interrogate your children and then call you back and complain, you can respond something like, "Do you feel that it's your responsibility to continue to "raise me"? I wonder why that is. What do you think?" You see the point - get the conversation focused on them and their behavior in hopefully a non-critical way. You don't really want to stoop to their level and get into a criticism war, rather just ask them questions about their own behavior so that they are thinking and talking about that, rather than yours. Awhile of that, and they will be afraid to call you and criticize you, I'm sure. (There really is a "nice" way to do this - you can pick out the "positives" about their questions - ie., they are concerned for you and your children, so you can say something like, "you are always so concerned about me and that's so loving, however, worry and anxiety really aren't good for you. Why do you think that you worry so much? Do you feel fearful a lot of the time?").

This takes some preparation ahead of time. I know I am not really good at "thinking on my feet" when I'm in that situation, so I kind of try to think about it ahead of time and be "armed" with responses like that. In general, just focus on them, and not on the barbs that they send your way. If you get defensive, you're trapped - playing their game, and you'll lose.

The other thing you can try (you can do both of these techniques) is to just tell them non-defensively during the conversation how their comnments make you feel (again it will put the focus on them not you). For example, if your mother says, "you are weak, blah blah blah...," you can say, "I feel attacked when you say that," or "I feel intimidated when you say things like that to me and then I feel afraid to be honest with you." (Don't add anything to that, just be silent and wait for them to respond).

I hope these suggestions will help you change the dynamics of your conversations with them and help you have healthy relationships with them. Blessings to you!

hey there.i know just how you feel but it comes from both sides of the family for me.his and mine.i finally came to the solution i quit going around all of them and we did keep the kids away as well and myself and my husband wouldnt even talk on the phone to them.we did let the kids talk only on the phone.it went on for i know a year with a few of them and still today with some of them.but they do get tired of not seeing the little ones and start to get a grip on life of their own and stay out of ours.believe it or not but even the kids were fine with it all cause they didnt have to hear the arguments and stuff anymore...so u can only decide for yourself really.just remember you have a family of your own now and need to do whats best for them.good luck

L.,
I had (and still have) the same problem with my ex-husbands family. It has taken many years to get over what they have done to me. You need to stand up for yourself. You are an adult now and you do what you think is right for you and your children. If they get mad that you have finally decided to take a stand, then so be it. You can do this in "nice" ways like someone else has said...use "I" statements like "I feel..." or "I don't like...". This technique does work but it might take some time for them to get the idea. OR, instead of letting them interogate your children, tell them that instead of them calling you are going to have the children write to them. This way, they do not have the chance to say these things that hurt you so badly. But, you do have to take a stand against the things they are saying. That is the only way it will ever get any better for you.

I hope this helps!

First off, I am 22, and have the same problem. I am married, and have a 2 year old son, and my mother, especially, tries to run my life, and run me down. To put it straight out...tell them to back off. It's your turn to be the parent, and they should respect that. As bad as it sounds, maybe you should just cut ties for a while. Maybe after a few months to a year of not talking to you, they'll regret meddling in your business, and straighten up. If they're not willing to do that, then they obviously are not going to have a positive effect on your life, or your children's. You definately do not want them telling your kids bad things about you, and turning them against you...that kind of thing will ruin them. They need to be confident in you as a Mother, and when they have lies fed to them, and they don't see you disputing them, they see your weakness, and learn to use it against you, as well as distance themselves from you. Typically, they will say things like how much you must not care for your kids, or you're a bad mommy, or you don't really love them, or you would do this, etc, and the kids will eventually begin to believe it. You have to draw the line, as hard as that is. Your family comes first, no matter what, and this is part of protecting them. When you stand up for what you believe in, your kids will see your strength, and in retrospect, they will respect you so much more, and feel safer knowing you will be there to look out for them. Not only that, but the more assertive you are about your choices, the more assertive they will be of them too. Trust me, you do NOT want to let anyone else interfere with your family...it will tear it apart. I know from experience....I am patching mine up now after my mother finally moved away. I do still love her, but I had to make a decision...my family, or her? And it's sad, but she is the one that gave me that ultimatum. Never put your own family in second. Your kids are too precious. Just think...you've worked this hard so far to have and keep them...you deserve praise, not scorn. Just keep reminding yourself that you are the best mom you can be, and don't let anyone tear you down. Your kids depend on it.
Best of luck, and I hope things get better. Hope you find a solution sooner than I did...it's so much harder patching things up than it is to prevent them....

Everyone has given great advice and I esspecially like Lorraine's idea of turning the focus on the other person!! When you ask your mother if she raised to you to be a weak person, that should stop her dead in her tracks cause what mother ever wants to think they did a bad job raising their own kids! Another thought is to not let your kids answer the phone for a while, then they can't play 20 question with them as to what you are doing. Your mother and the rest of your family need to realize you are the mother now and to let you raise your family to the best of your ability. If you feel that your mother's behaviour during her phone calls is not healthy for your family then you need to tell her so. You need to be strong, I know no one wants to talk like that to thier mother, but she needs to know that you are the mother now and that if you have a problem you will call her and ask for her advice. Stay strong and just know, you are raising your kids the best way you and your hubby can!

OH BOY!
WOW...WELL FIRST....AFTER BECOMING AN AUDLT YOUR PARENTS NO LONGER HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL YOU ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR LIFE (UNLESS ASKED) IT IS NOT THEIR RIGHT TO SAY ANYTHING TO YOU ABOUT ANYTHING THAT YOU DO! YOU ARE AN AUDLT NOW AND NEED TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! IF THEY DON'T TALK TO YOU FOR AWILE THEN....GOOD! IF YOU REPEAT THE SAME THING THE NEXT TIME YOU SPEEK TO THEM THEN I GUESS THEY WILL FINIALY GET IT! STOP THEM BEFORE THEY START...TELL THEM THAT UNLESS YOU ASK FOR THEIR OPPION THEN IT'S NOT NEEDED AND THAT IT OFFENDS YOU TO HEAR IT FROM THEM, AND SAY..LETS CHANGE THE SUBJECT. AND IF THEY GET NASTY JUST SAY WELL IT'S BEEN NICE TALKING TO YOU AND CALL AGAIN WHEN WE CAN TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE AND HANG-UP!
DON'T TAKE IT! NOONE SHOULD TAKE ABUSE FROM ANYONE NO MATTER HOW IT IS GIVIN TO YOU.
EVERYTHING THAT YOU ALLOW TO HAPPEN TO YOU IN YOUR LIFE, YOUR CHILDREN WILL REPEAT IN THEIR'S..TEACH THEM THAT THIS IS WRONG TO DO TO SOMEONE. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.
BE STRONG...THEY MIGHT GET MAD BUT THEY WON'T STOP LOVING YOU!

Hi L.,

It's easy to have something to say about everyone else's situation. My mother had a problem with her mother and finally, when she was in her 50's told her that she would not do anything to make my grandmother unhappy, but she was not going to spend one more minute allowing her to make my mother unhappy. When she called, if my grandmother started in, my mother would hang up (or put the phone down and walk away). It's your life and they are your kids. You just keep doing the best for your self and your family, and don't worry about them. After a while, when my grandmother figured out that she couldn't make my mother unhappy anymore, she stopped doing it. Some people just take pleasure in "stirring the pot". They like to keep life in chaos. They like to push people's buttons. When it doesn't work anymore, they stop. Good luck!!

Hi L.,

First let me start off by saying, eventhoug we love our family, we need to understand that YOU are in control of your household not them. If you stand up to them and they don't like it then it is not your problem it is theirs. Prior to taking the kids over to their home make it clear to your kids that what happens in your household stays in your home. If a family member asks them what mommy or daddy is doing tell them to reply ask them yourself. They don't have to be rude about it but it is none of their business what goes on in your home. As for you family, tell them that if they can't respect your life and family that then if they want to see the kids they are more than welcome to come and get them. This will put the burden on them. You aren't keeping them from them, but you don't have to subject yourself to their ridicule. Family, is wonderful, but they can be a pain in the butt. My family lives in California and I live in North Carolina. I like this way. They stay out of my business and I stay out of theirs. I have a son, even though we are living near we enjoy each other's company when we do get together. You got to remember family will always be there for you but that does not give them the right interfere in your life and the upbringing of your children. Don't feel guilty, you havn't done anything wrong. You are just giving them the power to interfere. Stop it and changer. You are stronger then you think. What is it that you really fear? Them not talking to you, just think of the peace you will have. Believe me it won't last long and if it does then it is on them not you. Love your husband and kids they are the most important ones that count. Good Luck.

Ok, my family is the same way. Just stand up to them and let them ignore you for a little while. You will get a little bit of a break. My husband will tell my family off in a heartbeat and he thinks I should just not worry about them or what they think. It's easier said than done, I know. But just stand up for yourself and your family and if they get mad - so be it. Your responsiblity is to your family (husband and kids) not to them. Best Wishes

L.,
Dont answer the phone every time they call. You dont HAVE to talk to them or listen to that constant negative stuff.
You need to take back control of your family. Im not saying dont let the kids talk to the family, Im just saying YOU control when they do. Tell them that you have heard enough of their negative comments and would apprecaite it if they would stop. If they dont, stop taking their calls so much and limit the number of times you talk to them. Tell the kids not to discuss "family" business with them when they call. Just tell them to say you are doing good and will talk to them later.

My mom wasn't not quite that bad, but it was getting to that point. Everything I did I could do better, and I wasn't living right, according to her. Eventually it came down to a phone conversation that went something like this... fight fight fight, hang up, call back, hang up, call back, fight fight fight. Then I finally told her that I couldn't take it anymore that she was trying to control my life and that it was not hers to control any longer. I told her that I would respect her because she is my mother, but I do not have to tolerate the treatment that she is giving me. I told her this is in no way an ultimatim it was just the way it was going to be, either she start treating me with respect or get out. Get out of my life, get out of our daughter's life and that would be that. I told her to think it over for a couple days and to call me when she was ready and if she was willing to comply with what I was asking then we could continue our relationship. She called back the next morning and said that she loved us and that she just wanted us to do what was right, but that it was not her place to judge or be so critical. And since she has been much better. She goes through stages where she is really good, and then some where she needs to be reminded that all is not respectful. You cannot control your family the same way they cannot control you and from the sounds of it you are going to need to have the same conversation with them. I explained to my mom that I couldn't allow the fighting to influence my daughter that I did not want her raised around that. I think it was more of the not seeing her grandchild that caused her to respond positively, but none the less things are much better and I feel better that I finally stood up and spoke my mind. Good luck to you.

i get the same kind of stuff from my family and just have learned to tell them i didn't ask for their opinion. you don't need negativity around you. don't let anyone tell you your a bad mommy. i have stepped up to my family when they comment on things i do and i don't let anyone, no matter who it is, walk on me.