Advice for a Young Struggling Marriage.

Hi J.. I have been where you are and it is not fun. I can understand everything that you are going through to a "T". If you want to talk or anything you can email me at ____@____.com and if you want to talk I can give you my phone number in an email later. A.

Hi J....
I know how you feel. I was with a guy for 5 years and we went through the same thing. If you need someone to talk to feel free to email me at ____@____.com...

My heart goes out to you! Your relationship has had so many changes in the last year. That is a lot for any couple to weather.
I would encourage you as soon as you can to get out and start "dating" your husband again. Just the two of you and you don't have to spend money to have fun. You can swap kids with a friend or with family and that doesn't have to cost anything. A weekend away when the baby is a bit older can be good for your marriage. As important as our kids are, we have to work at keeping our relationship with our spouse going. Spouses can feel replaced and unimportant when small children demand so much of us. Does he watch the kids so you can get a break too?
There are some good weekend retreats for couples in crisis, one is called Retrouville. Might help you both in one weekend to reevaluate. You might find a church or faith group to support you. they usually have a moms group and you can get lots of support and encouragement and prayer there.

After I had my twins it took almost three years before my husband felt attracted to me again. After my daughter it took almost six months. I am a completely different person when I am pregnant so it was hard for him to get used to me again. He also doesn't feel "sexy" as a parent. We did go to some counseling when the twins were alomost a year old. We also make sure we have a date night every week WITHOUT KIDS and we try not to talk about them either on our date. I make sure I still dress sexy/talk sexy, and stay in good shape. With a two month old it is hard to leave for a date night - it may take some time. Don't give up!

Every marriage goes through bad times. Sometimes loving someone is a choice not just a natural feeling. When my husband and I were struggling the best thing that I did was made myself happy again and then I told him thnak you and I love you and I appreciate all the things you do for our family and all that stuff a lot so he'd know it. Then he started being happier and telling me all the same stuff back. Its like when you're in a fine mood and then you're around someone who's really grumpy and they get you in a grumpy mood. Sometimes you just have to be the one to change it up.

Hi J.,
After reaading your post here I was in tears because I can totally relate to how your feeling. I have been married for almost 16 years but still had some of the same issues. It took us many years to get pregnant and I ended up having preeclampsia too. I had several problems with the pregnancy, which I won't get into. My husband and I drifted apart after our first daughter was born. I suffered from postpartum depression too and felt like he wasn't helping me at all so I stopped asking him for help with the baby and did it all on my own. I was more concerned with being a mother to our child than being a wife to my husband. I also tried not to say things to make him mad so a lot got bottled up. Long story short we were both miserable. Then a whole lot of terrible things happened in our lives and we finally realized what we were doing to each other and I asked him if he wanted to leave, I told him I didn't want him to be unhappy and that he would always be our daughters dad but if he had to leave I would understand. He chose to stay and we talked about all the things that where bothering us. It changed emensely from that day forward. Sure, we still have our moments but we do have a second child now and can communicate much better.
There are a few factors in our realization of our problems that I don't want to post here or my concerns for you. If you would like to talk please feel free to send me a private message. I don't know if I can actually give you any advice other than "communicate" but sometimes just having someone who will listen helps a lot.
Take Care and I hope to hear from you,
C.

I think sometimes a partner needs to know where the line is. It's great that you want to be with him forever, but it sounds like you want to be with the old-him forever, maybe not with the current-him and his behavior. If you knew he would behave this way for the rest of your lives, would you still want to stay with him? Or would you be happier on your own? If you don't want to be with him and his recent behavior for the rest of your lives, I think you need to tell him that. You could make a list of all the qualities he used to posess that make you feel like you want to be with him forever. Let him know that this is why you married him, tell him your boundaries, and let him know that if he continues to treat you in ways that cross your boundaries (be very specific, ie. out with friends once a week or makes an effort to show genuine caring and loving toward you) you and the kids will leave. And, be ready to follow through. I'm not a strong believer in divorce, but I am a strong advocate for boundaries, actions, and consequences in relationships. I also don't believe a relationship can work when you're not happy with it. My husband and I both know the boundaries for our relationship and we both know that the other will leave if we choose treat eachother poorly and refuse to try to fix it. Yes we go through rough times and work things out. But, the difference is when one partner says, "I am unhappy" the other wants and tries to do things to make it better. When a partner is no longer willing to try, I've got to say I think you need to draw the line! Now if he's willing to try via counceling or just having a heart-to-heart with you and then behaving more loving toward you, that's another story. He promised to love, honor, and cherrish you. You never promised to hang around when he no longer acts as if he loves you and could be loving other women.
Best of luck, hope this helps.

I'm sorry, my dear, but your situation doesn't look good. There is nothing for you to be embarrased about because you've kept your head above water. I'm sorry your husband has been so weak in supporting you. I think if you can get him to go to counseling, that will be your only means of attempting to save your marriage. If he won't go, it might be best to move ahead with divorce. It is not healthy for you if he's sleeping around with other women and his lack of communication doesn't bode well. It is not healthy for your children to see how you two interact because it could teach them to behave inappropriately when they get older. You need to respect yourself. If he won't respect you, you need to move on. Yes, it will be difficult. It will also give you a vastly improved state of mental health and life. I recommend speaking to a good divorce lawyer if he won't agree to couples counseling. A relationship cannot work if both parties aren't committed to working on it and it takes work every day. Good luck to you.

God bless you for keeping strong this long! Marriage is hard work I know, especially when young children are in the mix. What you are going through though, is not the typical growing pains. It sounds like you are the only grown up in the relationship. You cannot be responsible for making things alright for everyone. One person cannot carry the burden of holding a family together. Your emotional health and sanity are seriously at risk. You are no good to anyone if you have nothing left to give. Since you are the mother you don't have the luxury of choosing when you want to be responsible. You don't get to clock in and out. Your job never ends. Your husband, like many, needs to understand that he can't just clock in and out when he feels like it. Marriage and parenting is a choice, and once you commit to it you will spend the rest of your life working on it, and will reap the rewards. Your husband needs to decide if he is ready to step up and work as hard for his wife and kids, as he is for himself. For now you need to get help for yourself, whatever it takes. Your kids need you. Get yourself healthy and he may see what a great thing he's missing out on by being selfish. Good luck and God bless!!! You are an amazing and beautiful person! You are worthy of a man's respect, faithful love, and devotion. Settle for nothing less.

If he won't go to counseling you should at least. If he sees how devoted you are making things right by caring for yourself he may come around. He needs to be honest with you, a 3 hour haircut? come on?

Focus on you and the kids, he will only change if he feels the need too.

Don't stop communicating your feeling with him though. if things do fall apart at least you can say you trying your best to smooth out the bumps.

Hi, I think there was alot of good stuff others have written...I'll try not to repeat. First of all I am not much older than you with tree kids all very close. Let me say that I am a stay at home mom and it is SO VERY HARD to have kids that young and close. We got married 5 years ago and I was pregnant with our first. Your kids are just like 2 months closer than our first two are. It is hard and demanding with kids that young. You need time for your break too, especially if he goes out ALL the time. No wounder you are depressed. I would be to and got depressed even in a pretty good marriage. He has been very selfish! Totally not respecting his wife AT ALL and you have had a hard pregnancy and he hasn't been fair to you. Its NOT your fault. You didn't create this by having a hard pregnancy and having depression. He hasn't been very understanding to you needs.

With that said...Have you thanked him at all for going to work everyday or cleaning when you couldn't..and so forth. Maby he is feeling unappreciated too. That also doesn't give him the right to have girls calling and not sleeping in your bed and so forth.

You really need counsling of any kind! You should really ask him if he wants to make it work. You may want it to work but it takes two. I have asked my husband about what he thought and to him it sounds like he left your marriage along time ago and just aint man enough to tell he that he ain't ready to grow up with that responsibility of a family and just can't tell you .. so he is pushing you away so you leave. I am so sorry to say all this but it sounds like your in denile to your situation. You may love him alot, he is the father to your children. But if he wants out..theres nothing left for you to do. So ask him..ask him about cheating because both my husband and me think he has been for awail. If he wants to work it out,, you need counsling and he needs to stop going out seeing other and so on! Dates are a very good idea to do, also important if you are working it out. And I agree with the others with letting the family know so you can date him and they can be a support to you!

Best of luck...its a hard road either way. If you want to talk or anything, message me so we can swith numbers or something.

I totally understand - my husband is a doctor and due to his job and our newest baby we have had a hard time but are getting through. Just keep trying to talk, but also, you need to confront his behavior. Pretending like it is normal to get a 3 hour haircut is not going to help your situation. Get some support either through church groups like MOPS or even go to a mental health professional. And keep talking to us if you need!!

I hate to say this but that does not sound good. If he is going out every night and talking to other girls, that doesn't really sound like he is committed to the family. And, if he isn't willing to go to counseling or talk to you,that is even worse. You and your children deserve better. If that was happening at my house, his stuff would be on the front lawn and the locks would be changed!!!I could go on and on with this one but ultimately you need to make your own decision.

Before I give any advice I want to first say that this is the best advice I can give you but I do know it is easier said than done when you feel you have invested so much into the relationship already it is hard to let go of the hope. With that said you should not feel embaressed - You have done nothing wrong. But, you need to give him an ultimatum. Counseling is an excellent idea. You need to tell him if he does not agree to counseling then you will take the kids and leave him. Let him know you love him very much but you are not a door matt and that you will not put up with his behavior. More importantly as you said you want a better example for your children of what a healthy loving relationship should be - actions speak louder than words. If you do not do any of this you should at the least go to counseling yourself. As you said it is hard to talk about this with people you know. A counselor is an objective party who can help you deal with this. Life is too short to spend it wishing you had something that may never be possible with your husband. Your kids grow up so fast. No relationship is easy, it takes hard work for everyone!!! You must be exhausted! It sounds like you are doing all the work. It will not get better without something changing and it does not sound like your husband is ready to make any changes. Good Luck!

J.-
Let me say, I am so sorry you are going through this! If I could, I would come over as a shoulder to cry on and to give you a big hug!
I know what you are going through. I could have almost writtent the exact same thing! I have a couple words of advise for you.
First, if you truely love him and you KNOW he loves you and wants to be with you and NO ONE ELSE, then I would suggest trying to work it out. You will NEED to go to counseling to do so. Whether you go as a couple or if you go by yourself, I would go. It took my supervisor telling me that if I don't go, I will get into trouble at work because my at home problems were effecting my job so much. I started seeing my counselor about 4 months ago and I really wish I would have gone sooner. She told me one thing that she continually tells the women that come in and say that their hubby is refusing to come. She tells them to ask their hubby to come so she can give them tips on how to help you. I had to do that with my hubby and guess what-he is coming with me to my next appointment on August 6th!
Also, one thing that has helped me with my hubby is I made the decision that if I had to, I COULD raise my baby on my own and I told him that. I told him that he has been absent for so long, that my daughter no longer knows who he is and that she has started calling my sister's bf daddy. I told him that if he is fine with that, then he needs to leave and not look back, but if he wants to be a part of her life than he needs to step up and be a daddy to her and we can work on being husband and wife later, when he was more comfortable being a family again. I also told him that if he doesn't want to be husband and wife any more, than he needs to tell me that too so I can stop putting energy into this relationship and start putting it into raising our child.
Second, tell your family. For the longest time, I avoided telling my family anything about the problems I was having with my hubby. When I finally did, I was so worn out that I didn't know what to do with myself. You know what happened after I told them-my sister became the biggest support that I could have imagined. She has been there for me when I have needed her and she has helped me with raising my daughter and giving her the support she needs.
Third, you need to be prepaired that you could end up raising these children without the help of your husband. I really hate to say this, but from what you have written, it sounds like there is a good possiblity that he has already stepped outside of this marriage.
I hope for your sake that you go and see a counselor and talk to your family. If you need someone else to talk to, please feel free to contact me at ____@____.com I'm not able to check it until after work or after the baby goes to bed, so if you send me an email there, it may be a couple of hours before I can respond back, but I will respond.
Best of luck,
Sam

J.-

I don't have any other advice that hasn't been said in previous posts. I just wanted to add that I'm so sorry you are going through this, and hopefully some of the advice given below helps. I hope everything works out. And don't be embarressed. After all, this is the internet, and no one here knows who you are, so in a way it's the best place to air your dirty laundry. :)

HI J.-

I see that you already have several requests. However, I am going through some similar situations. I have chosen to work part time for a couple of reasons: I am Bipolar and have ADHD and anxiety disorders. And now my 5 year old daughter has been doagnosed ADHD. So between the cut in hours, medication and therapy costs, money has been a HUGE strain in my marriage. My husband has been overweight for several years and now has become very insecure about it. Long story short, we too are distant. I love him, not as much as I did when the sparkle were in our eyes when we were first married, but I still love him. I always say, I love him but I am not "in love" with him. I feel we co-exist as two people instead on one institution of marraige. So please do not feel alone. I have 2 other girlfriends who are going through the same thing right now. Money is not an issue in one my friends affairs, but it shows that many couples go through this. ANd by the fact your husband not wanting to go to counseling, I think that is a totally guy thing. I suggested my husband to see a therapist to overcome his insecurities about his weight and the depression from it. But I have yet for him to go. I go to therapy religiously, take my meds and still ended up in the hospital. I think he is afraid. So might your husband. I hope my rambling helped to some degree. I really don't have any advice as I am not really good at that, but sharing my story makes you realize you are not alone. Good luck and let me know what happens(ed).
A friend through grace- A.

Hi J.,
I don't know if you guys have a faith or not, but during a very, very low time in my marriage we decided to meet with our Paster. I cannot tell you how much it helped us to have God speak to us through our Paster. He did way more for us than any marriage counselor ever did. Just a suggestion. By the way, we will be celebrating our 28th.year together this year. We got married very young, I was only 18 and have been through thick and thin and 3 kids together. When you go to a counselor that is not counseling for the money, but for the main sake of keeping your marriage together....it is way different. I will pray for you and your husband and I hope things get better for you guys :) CK