Adult Daughter and a Selfish Boyfriend

Updated on December 09, 2010
D.C. asks from Murfreesboro, TN
12 answers

My adult daughter , who is sick and waiting for a in a relationship with a young man who lives 2000 miles away. She says he wants to marry her and she will have to move there. He came here to supposedly spend time and get to know me..but was argumentative..and a know it all in every subject relating to my daughter that we was very unpleasant and he makes me very uncomfortable...YET...she says she loves him and wants to be with him......what in the world do I do ???? I have tryed to talk to her...and she says "he" cannot change jobs to move where we live...and "he" needs to finish college. He knows
that I am unable financially to go there to ever visit her also. Am I gonna loose my daugher ???

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answers from Norfolk on

How worried about her transplant is she? Could this guy be a coping fantasy about a life beyond her illness? Does she think traveling 2000 miles away will somehow allow her to leave her troubles behind her or that with her condition, this is the best she can do in finding a man? I don't know if this guy was always 2000 miles away, but it seems like a very unrealistic relationship. Don't tell her that. This relationship fantasy is providing something for her, but only some therapy might help her figure out what it is. Whether he's a jerk or not, finishing his collage is a good idea, but it might also be just his excuse he gives to your daughter. He might not be that thrilled if she shows up on his doorstep.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Knoxville on

Since your daughter is awaiting a transplant she needs to check and see if moving is going to hinder that. Not to mention she would have to find new doctors, hospitals etc... Will her current insurance cover her treatment there. If she marries will his insurance cover her medical needs. When I married my husband and got pregnant right away, his medical insurance would not cover the pregnancy or anything related to it. She needs to check into those things. As far as losing your daughter as long as you keep then communication going, facebook, email etc... you will still be in touch. I know it is not the same as being there but like my dad always says "I need a C. fix, so I just pick up the phone and call" If I can't answer he leaves a message and I call him back. Just pray on it and I will pray for you. I would encourage your daughter to check into the medical stuff. God Bless



answers from Rochester on

Sorry to say it, but yes, you probably will lose your daughter. But I bet she comes back sooner or later. I went thru something very similar with one of my daughters. It took almost 2 years, but she is home now a much wiser person. She had to learn the lesson on her own. No matter how much everyone told her she was making a mistake, she would not listen. Just be sure to let her know you are not happy with her decision and she is ALWAYS welcome to come home again, no questions asked!


answers from Minneapolis on

What a load of bull. If this boy truly loves your daughter he would be looking for jobs in HER area, since she needs to stay where her Dr. and care is, and he'd be transferring his credits to a college in HER area.

Even though it's a load of bull and you are well aware of it, the only thing you can do is tell your daughter that you feel like he's not the right guy for her but if that is what she wants you'll support her... AFTER she has the transplant. Remind her that if she wants to stay healthy enough to enjoy a wedding and marriage after that, she first needs to get that transplant.
Try to stay calm and non-judgemental, try not to "attack" her bf.

Also, maybe you should see what her Dr. has to say about her moving, it may be that the Dr. could set her up with a Dr. in the bf's area and she could get the transplant there... of course I'm not familiar with donor lists and whether she can change hospitals and locations...

Good luck with the jerk and the transplant.



answers from Wheeling on

The more a parent 'fights' or 'argues' with their child or a potential mate for that child, the more defensive they get (and naturally so). You'll simply drive her into his arms, because you are their 'common enemy'. Who anyone marries is ultimately up to them, and the earlier you establish that responsibility, the better. My kids always knew it, and I have 2 boys (24 and 30) who STILL don't date. Maybe that's not a good thing, but a lot of 'boys' their ages have already had several 'mates/partners', and that's NOT good. I hope you can gently turn this into HER decision and let it rest on her shoulders with no threats or whining or mroe arguments.



answers from Chicago on

I think this is a sensitive situation, since everyone will want to claim they love. As a mother its natural that you want to know and ensure that your daughter is alright and will be alright all the time. What if this boyfriend marries your daughter, insures her life then neglects her health. Who will lose who will gain. Love is not selfish, he ought to have done what is best in this situation, that is, live where your daughter not only will have her medical care but also the love and support of family, that counts and it matters. People with her boyfriend attitude and mannerism are often abusive. I have seen many people in that situation.


answers from San Francisco on

It sounds to me that you have trouble brewing. Why would he want to take your daughter away just at a time when she needs a transplant and she is not well. I hope she didn't met this fellow on the internet?? He sounds like someone who is very controlling and I worry for your daughter that if she makes the move, he will control her. You will get phone calls if he allows it and if not he knows that due to your financial situation you just can't afford to go there. Your daughter may be an adult but I am almost positive that you will hear from hear and it won't be good news. It will always be "can you help us out"? We need money for this and that etc.
Mr. Know It All is not about to change, if nothing else your daughter will end up with no friends, him telling her what to do, we have to face it, that love that your daughter feels. Perhaps you can talk to her and explain that your worried, your not lying, and also explain that she should know if you need her that you can't be out on the first plane or driving. She could be infatuated with him, and that infactuation doesn't last. I wish you well, I will say a prayer for you and hope that so much will change for you.
I wish her well but I also know your instincts are kicking in as they shoudl.
Keep in touch and let me know how everythingis going.
Take care, don't stress yourself out, she will come back wth any situaltion =.My husband speaks to his physiian quite often, he can ask him what he thinks. Not not for a month. Something tells me that things will change!!



answers from San Diego on

My first instinct was to say "let her go", she is an adult. Then my Motherly Gut Instincts kicked in and ask, how long has she known this guy and what does she know about him. Why now when she is so ill and needs medical attention and obviously is seeing "her own doctors". A transplant sounds serious and perhaps you can approach it from that end. Let me share my personal experience regarding my daughter and her "argumentive, know-it-all" boyfriend. Not good. He turned out to be an abuser. They are now divorced and she has moved away just to get away from him.



answers from Louisville on

you will not loose your daughter. it may be hard for you but if that guys makes her happy then u should try your best to be happy to. she loves you and im sure she will come visit you. because she will miss you no matter what a mothers love is the strongest love and she is just growing up and wants to be with the man she loves that does not mean she will forget about you. and as far as the boy friend goes you dont have to like him or even say anything to him at all just be there for your daughter and dont let him get to you.



answers from New York on

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I do have first hand experience with this type of situation not the transplant but the idiot boyfriend. My cousin who I am very close to has a beautiful, kind, giving, educated daughter and about two years ago she met the biggest jerk I have ever known. She is 26 and he is about 35, does not work, does not have a formal education, is a know it all, finishes her sentences when she talks, controls her every move. Her family has tried everything, my cousin is divorced and her ex (the girls dad) isn't even speaking to her because of this guy. She is a school teacher and when she is sharing stories he always has to put his two cents in. He is miserable, unfriendly, and disrespectful. Even with her wonderful mom trying to talk to her, advise her she will not listen. She just became engaged to this man and from what I heard she paid for her own ring. They are getting married in February and are moving into his parents house. Point is no matter what you say she is probably going to do what she wants to do, and the more you try to stop her the more she will defend him. I think the only advice I can give you is to try your best to not say anything and hopefully that will help her to see on her own. The more you say the less she will see. I would support her emotionally, let her know that no matter what you will always be there for her and she will always have a place to come home to. As you said she is an adult, so your options are limited. I am sure her illness is playing a factor, and that is probably why she is settling and right now he is her whole world. I think to answer your question is you will loose her if you fight her on this. As difficult as it is and as much as you do not want this guy in her life it is her decision. As I said, hopefully she will see things for what they are. So I would try not to say anything negative right now. Good luck on your daughters health and I hope things work out for you!



answers from Eau Claire on

I have read most of these answers prior to writing one myself. I see a common denominator here...
(1) At some point, calmly talk to her about why you are concerned.
(2) Realize she's going to do what she wants to do.
(3) Print this out and show her some of the answers.
(4) Realize she's going to do what she wants to do.
(5) There comes a time when, no matter what we say, do, etc...our kids
are still going to be so bull headed that it isn't going to matter. Unfor-
tunetly, she may have to find out herself why you are so uncom
fortable around this jerk. It's hard, isn't it? Hard to watch. Hard to deal
But in the end, please realize she is going to do what she wants to do.



answers from Topeka on

The only thing you can do in this situation is to let your daughter know that she is loved and valued. She is an adult so she is going to make her own decisions, regardless of whether they are right or wrong decisions. My guess would be that she will not be going anywhere, unless SHE can afford to make the move because her on line love is not going to be willing to fork over any money to move her to his end of the country.
Stay calm, keep the lines of communication open and keep telling yourself that you both WILL survive this situation.

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