Adoption While Married

Updated on February 08, 2011
L.Y. asks from Madison, TN
28 answers

I'm in a bit of a bind. I am married with two beautiful little boys. However, I've been unemployed for over a year. My husband works but doesn't make that much. But that's not my problem. I believe I'm pregnant again. I got pregnant by accident a little over a year ago and I had an abortion. I won't do that again. I want to give this one up for adoption. My problem is that my husband didn't take the abortion well, and if I'm pregnant again, will contest an adoption. There is no way we can afford another child. We're scraping by with the children we have. Since we're married, I will have to live with his stubbornness along with another baby we can't afford. There will be no reasoning with him. The only option I can come up with is to leave and go to a shelter. I don't want to leave my boys, but the good thing, and this is the only time I'll say it's good, is my parents have physical custody of them so he can't take them away while I'm doing this. Can anyone give me some contact info of who could help me? This is a really off the wall situation I know, but I don't know what else to do.

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answers from Kansas City on

Would he even want take you back after the baby is born if you do this? Maybe the best thing to do would be to get a divorce and give him the baby when it's born, since he would want it.

2 moms found this helpful

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answers from Los Angeles on

This post and all your other ones, sound really bogus.
This was one of your posts "I just recently got diagnosed with Grave's Disease. For those who don't know, it's an autoimmune disorder where my body creates hormones that attack my thyroid making it work double time. Due to my medication and my ultimate future treatment (radioactive iodine) I will be unable to add to my family for about five years or so. I wanted to have a baby girl so badly, but after the bitter truth, I know that I cannot be greedy and I will be happy with the beautiful babies I've got. However, I can only imagine if I cry because I'm not finished, that other women who cannot have any must be in agony. If anyone knows the protocol for donations or which ones pay, I'm all ears. I'm wanting to put the money towards my sons' college accounts."
So... what happened to your graves disease? and what happened to you desperately wanting another baby?
You cant just arbitrarily put your child up for adoption without your husbands consent, he is not being "stubborn"
I really think that either you have a mental health issue, or you are a really bad to the bone person.
And LOL to your post about wanting someone to watch your baby 12 hours a day every day for $80 a week!

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

I agree with Melissa K--this sounds like a bogus post (like all of your other posts). First, you need to inquire how to get free birth control--there has got to be a place for low income people to get birth control. Second, no job for a year? Surely there is a Walmart in/near Madison, TN where you can work. Third, why in the world do your parents have custody---actually, don't answer that--I'm afraid to know. Fourth, if you have Internet access--which you might because you're on this site--cancel that and use the money to pay for diapers.

I'll stop there--I've wasted enough of my own precious, hard-working, child-raising, birth control using time.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

I am confused...I don't understand why you don't have custody of your two children...

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

WHAT??? You're married (I assume to a man you love?) and you want to get rid of the child that you two created in love? Is it his baby? I'm not sure why you would call him stubborn when you're the one who's made the choice to sleep with him (unprotected) and have already killed the life of another child and now insist on getting rid of this child.
If your other children are already at your mom's maybe you shouldn't be having more because you might not be fit to handle them. WHY OH WHY would you put yourself in a situation like this? I'm hoping that hubby will change his mind and you two can put the baby up for adoption. Remember though that adoption and abortion are not forms of birth control, condoms are or getting tubes tied or vasectomy, the pill or IUD. There are so many other options out there to fix this "problem" of getting pregnant over and over again if you don't want to be. Be smart!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

You can't put the baby up for adoption not matter what. If he says no he gets custody. It is his child and he MUST consent for it to be adopted, whether you are together, seperated, or divorced. He has to legally sign off on the adoption for it to be valid. All he has to do if you go ahead is file a paper with the court house and he stops the adoption and it is void. It can happen years in the future too if it is hidden from him and he doesn't have the option of signing off.

I think that you are going to have to sit down and discuss this with him. But from what you he's going to be you or the baby and I bet he chooses the baby.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Cloud on

Check your yellow pages. Contact an adoption agency. They can set you up with some counseling and they will know what options you can LEGALLY have.

PS> In a previous post last year, you said you wouldn't be able to add to your family for 5 years because of some treatment you were having...... If that's the case, will this even be a viable pregnancy???

If you are indeed pregnant and do proceed with adoption instead of another abortion, I just want to say THANK YOU! You will be choosing a hard road BUT your baby will be benefiting greatly! I know quite a few people who have adopted and they give the children great homes!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

I just don't understand if this is such an issue why one of you didn't get permanent birth control done at the time of the abortion. You should at least get an IUD. First you need to make sure you ARE pregnant and go from there. If you and your husband don't actually have custody of the children you have now, then I don't know why this is any sort of issue. It doesn't sound like you love your husband if you're so willing to leave and go to a shelter. If that's the case, then I suggest you do leave, file for divorce and tell him you intend to give this baby up for adoption. If he doesn't want to give up the child, then he needs to have a plan to be the parent. It doesn't sound like he can do that, so what he needs to do is respect your wishes, think about what's best for the baby and get a vasectomy so this type of thing doesn't keep happening.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

The problem I believe is NOT that you are pregnant and can't afford another child.

It is a problem that you did not mention in the question here.

My husband and I have no money to spare, but we somehow make ends meet while having four kids. ...he had a vasectomy after our fourth. You guys should look into that.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Wow. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Have the two of you discussed what you would do if you did get pregnant again??

Only you know your financial situation and what can and can't be done, but remember that tax withholdings can be adjusted, etc.

If you are pregnant, you could apply for the WIC program in your state. If accepted you would receive support for you, your baby and any kids under the age of 5y.

Is there a close family member or friend that would possibly adopt the baby? My friend did this last year for her sister.

Would your husband be open to an Open adoption?

I found this number online. Its a toll-free # for a pregnancy hotline.

Adoption Network Law Center: 1-866-942-3678


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

Are you serious?!? Regardless of your circumstances, you have no right to unilaterally decide what to do with your and his child. I'm not trying to be ugly or judgmental, but you wrote you "accidentally" got pregnant before. If you are having sex, even if using protection, you make a choice that has possible consequences. That isn't an accident.
You can not give this baby up for adoption without the fathers consent, unless you lie about the circumstances. You NEED to discuss this with your husband, discussing finances, the reasons you don't have custody of your other children, and any other factors. I commend you for thinking of this child and your current children along with their needs. I do wish you the best of luck in whatever path you choose.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

just curious why in the world are you two having unprotected sex when you know that you can not afford another baby? but you can call around to some churches and see what they can tell you but from i know a womens shelter do not let just anyone stay unless they are in an abusive relationship and HAVE to get away and going away to just give your baby up for adoption is not a good reason. If you want to give it up for adoption be mom and a wife and talk to your husband and make a valid reason to why you think it would be best to give it up for adoption

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

You cannot give up the baby for adoption without your husband's consent. He is the baby's father, and legally, both of you need to sign the papers relinquishing parental rights. If you sign those papers and he does not, all parental rights go to your husband.
You and your husband really need to sit down and talk about what you are going to do. You either both need to agree on finding an adoptive family for your little one, or you need to figure out how to make it work. I would suggest seeking help from a councilor.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Portland on

You can't put the child up for adoption without your husbands consent, even if you do run off to a shelter.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

I agree with Melissa K.. there's something off about this post. You'd be leaving your boys who under the custody of your parents. If your parents have custody, why? Do you live with them? They don't take away custody from both parents for no reason (not that I know of anyways). I'm confused about your situation that it's hard to give advice. Maybe your parents will adopt the new baby too. Does one of you have a mental disorder? The way you talk about your husband being "stubborn" kind of made me wonder because I mean, of course he's going to stand his ground... it's his baby too! He's not just a piece of meat, he is the other half of the DNA.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I hope my ex doesn't come back in my daughter's life because he's irresponsible and has issues but if he does I'm not going to act like he was just a piece of meat that I threw away... he can be her father as long as she is safe and healthy when he's around.

In another post you said you were married, left him for another man, then got back with him. Sorry but being so wishy washy about your choices it just reminds me of my friend who isn't a good mom (no offense because of course, I don't know you)... I just don't know what to say, reading all your posts I just kind of feel bad if these kids are under your care... yall seem like your always in some sort of financial trouble or trouble in general... maybe the boys should live with your parents full time... assuming they are good people.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

Assuming this is a legitimate post, you should contact your local crisis pregnancy center for counseling and assistance.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Shreveport on

I'm really shocked at how many people are jumping on here and accusing her of having unprotected sex with her husband. Have any you stopped for one second the think clearly and remember that there is a failure rate for any and all forms of birth control. That includes to so called permanent methods suggested.
You all don't know the whole story if proper birth control was used or not. To assume it wasn't well most of you know the rest of the saying when one assumes....
L.,your first step is to find out for sure if you are pregnant or not. If you are the next step is to talk to your husband. As someone has already pointed out your husband has to sign the papers as well. There are several cases in which fathers found out years later they had a child given away via adoption. Those fathers went onto void out the adoptions and rip apart those poor unsuspecting families. Do you really want to put a family through something like that because you want to avoid problems with your husband?
You both have to agree since the potential baby is his as well.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Modesto on

Wow, that's a crazy situation to be in for sure. I have no idea what to tell you. Sounds like dad has love enough for the new little one even tho you dont have the money. What will you do to prevent further pregnancies since you didnt want this one?
Talk to your mom, what does she say? Since she already has custody of your boys it would seem the court would probably also decide what to do with this child you are carrying....

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

Wait, your parents have custody of the 1st two children you have with this man? Why? Was he seen as unfit or something? If he was seen as unfit you can go to court and say you believe he will be unfit a 3rd time and would like to adopt the baby out. If the courts agree then you don't need his consent to adopt. Do you have any friends or people you know that have adopted a baby? Ask them the name of their lawyer/group and ask there.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Nashville on

go to Planned Parenthood in Nashville, the pregnancy test will be free and the birth control you NEED to get on will be free. I am not sure why you leaving will help anything uless you are saying you are going to take away the food going into your mouth so your children can have more. You leaving does nothing but make it harder on your children. Do your parents just have custody but the kids live with you or do they live with your parents? It does not make sense. Babies are not THAT expensive until they get older and start needing money for sports, school, etc You get diapers and baby food. You can go to churches, shelters, get food stamps, WIC, or you can try nursing which is free. I think you are not trying hard enough and it is easy for you to abort a baby or put one up for adoption. If you do not want this baby, then by all means put it up for adoption. If you do want this baby, then quit worrying about something before it gets here. Get a job at Walmart as one mom suggested, Kroger, deliver pizza, deliver newspapers, have a garage sale, sell things you don't need, consignment shop for clothes for kids, etc Apply for food stamps and WIC now before the baby comes. "since we're married" act as though it is a punishment that you fell into or were forced to do...if you don't love this man, get a divorce. If you want to put this baby up for adoption, I have a good friend who would love to have a sibling for her current son that they adopted. contact me if you are interested. Contact Planned Parenthood immediately.



answers from Lincoln on

There is so much more to raising a baby then money. You will be surprised how much you can actually afford when you have to. God will always provide, there is help out there. You don't have to give up your baby.


answers from Dover on

I understand you are in a bind but what happens after you give the baby up for adoption? Are you going to stay separated from your husband? I am sure you will have trouble keeping your marriage if you follow through. I would suggest that you keep the child, look into all the resources and assistance you can get. Best of luck.



answers from Knoxville on

L., I understand that this is difficult but maybe it is not that bad. The first thing you need to do is determine that you are really pregnant. I am guessing that if your parents have physical custody then you make child support payments to them? That part of your post is unclear. Every state is different in adoption laws. I would look to an adoption center for answers.

As far as affording another child, I know a lot of families with many children that make ends meet. There is usually some things that you can cut down on or do differently to make the budget more managable.

The other thing I feel I must say God only gives you what you can handle. If this is something that you still cannot do then you may need to look into permanent birth control. I will keep you in my prayers.



answers from Raleigh on

Wow I am not sure how you could talk your husband into something he doesn't want to do. However if you are able to convince him to do adoption I would love for you to send me a message. My best friend has been trying to have a baby for 5 years. She is in a stable marriage and would love a baby more than anything. I think she would be forever grateful if you were to allow her to adopt your baby.


answers from New York on

Adoption is a beautiful thing. You would be giving a gift to a couple that they will cherish for the the next 75? years. Every time they look at that boy or girl they will know they almost didn't get him or her and they will love and enjoy their child that much more. (can you tell I have an adopted child?) They will make sure they live in a nice neighborhood with good schools and parks and try to give the child every advantage and never feel burdened. So dont let anyone talk you out of adoption, including your hubby. If he was not able to get custody of the other two, the court should not give him custody of this one , so tell him he will has to go to court to petition to keep the baby. He may not be willing to pay to go to court. This could end your marriage though.



answers from Greensboro on

Go to
It's a great help!! They have a great support network, counselors to talk with and help you, and they're able to help you in the most loving and patient way place your baby with a wonderful family through adoption (if that is your decision). I adopted my son from a married couple in TN and it was so nice to work with such loving people.
Thinking of you and your baby!



answers from Nashville on

maybe you should get into counsling to figure out where you are in life. sorry but i can't fathom all of this. mom of 7 R.



answers from Sacramento on

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Married or not, hiding at a shelter or not, you can't put your baby up for adoption without the father's consent. There's just no way around it. Even if you were not married and didn't know where he was, you'd be required to run adds in a newspaper he is likely to read saying that the baby is being adopted so that he has an opportunity to claim his child.

You're going to have to talk to your husband.


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