Adoption - Vineland,NJ

Updated on August 17, 2010
T.E. asks from Vineland, NJ
7 answers

Ok Moms I know this is an odd question but I have no one to give me objective answers. I am the mother of a ten year old girl who is spoiled rotten by her grandparents. We live with them. Her father has supervised visitation and will not pay child support. I am permanently disabled due to being Bi-Polar and have a very little income. Admittedly I was a pretty absent parent due to my own issues which some I brought on myself. For the last two years I have been on the right medication and have pulled my act together. Even at my worst I did the best I could to be there for her. She now pretty much doesn't want me. She has become very disrespectful and down right cruel and heartless. I am now 19 weeks pregnant. I am a high risk pregnancy and under so much stress right now I am scared of a miscarriage. My daughter doea NOT want me to have this baby. She has been making this so hard I don't know where to begin. I feel as though I failed as a Mother with her and am scared due to my illness that I will do the same with this baby. I do know where my mistakes were made and refuse to repeat the past but no one else in my entire family wants this baby. Their biggest worry is how my ten year old feels. They think I should put the baby up for adoption mainly because that's what my daughter wants. I've tried and tried to have a good relationship with my daughter but the bottom line is no matter what I do it is never right or good enough. She is very mature for her age and has really thought this through about the baby. So I guess what my question is is putting this baby up for adoption something that should be done in the off chance I may be able to salvage some type of relationship with my ten year old a valid reason? Chances are at least in my opinion whether or not I keep the baby really isn't going to change things with us anyway. All she wants is my mom and I don't think that will change . Please help...

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

More Answers



answers from Jacksonville on

No way do you let the 10 yr old dictate what you decide to do with this baby! Yes I think you should listen to her opinion but don't let her nor your family make the decision on what is best for you or your unborn child.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

You should not do adoption because of a ten year old wants. You should however consider your life, they life of your family and the future life of this baby. Adoption is wonderful option for many people. I would suggest not trying to make a decision about it. But do try and contact a repuptable adoption agency, find out how they work. There is no harm exploring your options. I think you should consider how whatever choices you make will affect the baby, yourself, and your family. A good adoption agency, will make sure you are fit to make that kind of decision and would never make you feel bad if you don't. It sounds to me like you need someone on your side. They can even help with other resources if you choose to keep the baby.

Right now I think you just need some help, and sometimes we need people who are not family to help us in the right direction. I am so grateful for the support an adoption agency gave me years ago. Good lcuk

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbus on

I could not give up a child b/c another child is telling me what to do. Who is the adult in the situation? You are. Please think long and hard before you do anything so drastic. I am sure you must have a counseler or therapist you could speak with that could help you with this? Maybe a priest? IMO you should speak with another outside influence before making such a final decision.

Best of wishes to you and your family.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

I think you will make the right decision. My sister had many problems with BiPolar and was on lithium for many years... of which her daughter lived with her dad's mother, and her son lived with me. She was in and out of the hospital, on and off her meds...etc... overall it was a bad situation for the kids to be in.
Once she got her self straightened out, she took the kids back and although she passed away a couple of months ago (she was 41), her children are some of the strongest I have ever seen... both very smart, great grades, into all kinds of sports, and entering their senior year of high school and junior year of college. (both have full scholarships in academics)
I can also speak from the adoption portion, as this same sister was biologically my mothers child, but adopted and raised by a family we did not know. (my mother was 15 when she had her).
I met her when I was 11, and she was 18, she had been looking for my mother and after they found each other we had a wonderful huge family mixed between my blood family and her adopted family.
My husband and I have been aching to adopt a baby (I am unable to carry), and I know there are so many families out there with the same problem as us. We have no problem paying our bills, and already have a teenager from his first marriage, we own our house, pay our bills, but when it comes down to it, we don't have bulk dollars to put out to adopt a child.

Anyway... maybe you should talk to your mother or another family member and see if they can help you by caring for the baby until you are ready, or just wait it out and see how things go... terminating the pregnancy is really something I can't agree with, but I do not judge people for what they do with their own bodies...I am sure you will make the right decision... whatever that is. Best of Luck

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Spartanburg on

I divorced a bi-polar man and I know what living with one means. I understand your daughter's feeling much too well, even though I don't really know what she endured in her short life, I am certain she feels in constant "danger", and by danger I don't mean necessarily a physical danger, but rather a constant anxiety that makes you feel on pins and needles ALL THE TIME. This is not to judge you, mind me, but while it is already hard to deal with "stable" people that have their own problems anyways, dealing with a bipolar person is very, very hard, much more so for a 10 y.o child. Now, you got pregnant. How you can allow yourself to get pregnant knowing that you are not quite to the point where you can offer yourself, your daugther and your unborn child a stable (at least emotionally) life, it's beyond me. You'll do what you think it's right at the moment you'll have to make your choice and that will be that. But at least try to make your daughter feel like earth is not shaking under her feet again and again. If she got attached to your mother, then, let it be, it means that she targeted this one person as the guide, the comfort, the safety net that she desperately needs. Have this baby, if you want, but help your daughter pull away from her suffering if she needs. Allow her to have a relationship with you that is a "soft" one, allow her to rely on her grandma (since she's her person of preference in the family) and to have an apparently more distant relationship with you. She will feel safe, she'll have you around without having to deal with all the suffering, the roller-coaster-like emotions that are typical of people with your illness and that affect the loved ones around greatly. I am sorry if I am being too straightforward with this, but i know the subject really, really well. I moved away from my ex, we have a child together and he's doing wonderfully: he lives with me and develops as he grows a wonderful, affectionate, relationship with his father without enduring those scarring times that living with an unstable person involves. Again, forgive me, I don't mean to offend you, it's not you, it's your illness that must be taken in count while making these lifechanging decisions, so I really hope (and I think you will) you'll be able to get beyond yourself and whatever you decide to put your children and their interest before yours. Good luck with everything.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Little Rock on

It looks to me like you are trying to see this situation from both sides. You want to have a chance to raise a child by yourself and prove to yourself that you are able to do it but you also know that you may not be able to do it because of your illnesses. It is a very big decision that could cause hurt to either you because of your desire to keep the baby or to your family who obviously have made it clear that they want nothing to do with a new baby. I would suggest that you find a counselor to talk to. A counselor may be able to help you sift through the decision making processes a little easier to make a educated decision as to what is best for you and for your family.

If you decide to give up your baby for adoption you will at least know that your baby is placed in a home where they will be wanted and loved by all. Giving up a baby is never a easy decision. I wish you the very best.


answers from Houston on

Consider adoption for the sake of the baby, not just to appease your daughter. Are you capable financially, physically and emotionally to care for the child and give it a good and loving upbringing? If not, then consider giving the child to a family who can. If so, then do whatever you can to mend the family unit between all of you, including your parents who may be also driving a wedge between your daughter and you.

Your daughter has a lot of hardships with you and I really believe you two need some family counseling together to help heal the wounds there and salvage what relationship you may have left.

My church has a program where they help mothers out. It is a counseling and adoption program with well screened adoptive families. They won't push you to adopt, but they can help you make some choices and bring you peace whatever you decide.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions