Adoption - Middleport,NY

My parents told my sister she was adopted when she was 6 or 7 and all hell broke loose...she was never the same child again. They rowed a tough road with her after that...the "you are not my mother" card came out a lot.

She had some attachment issues when we got her...she was already a year old and had a very tough first year. She was pretty well bonded with my mom and working on getting closer to my dad (she feared all men), but it was like it unleashed a huge wave of abandonment issues and she did not want to reattach herself to anyone.

It was a very hard 10 years on my parents...she moved out at 16 and is still floundering.

After watching what my sister went through I am all about never telling a child they are adopted...in some ways i think the old closed sealed adoption process might have been better for some children.

Just my experience with my sister...maybe others have had better experiences.

Why not wait until she has a better understanding of grey issues?

If she's an aspie she may never have that understanding... but most children do move out of the black and white stage of development.

It seems to me that since she's your granddaughter... all the family relationships still apply in a PRACTICAL nature. She won't be living with her sister or her birth mother, so having them be auntie and cousin just seems far more appropriate.

My daughters are both adopted. I, too, have been telling them their story since they came home. Don't wait to tell her. Waiting until she is older may create huge problems as she may feel that you have lied to her about this. And if you've lied about this, then what about everything else.

It's better to get it out there. That doesn't mean having a huge dramatic sit down talk. Gradually work it into the conversation. You said that she knows about adoption and foster homes, build on that. Decide how to tell her her story. Maybe talk about how her sister had a baby that she couldn't take care first. Then later introduce the concept that you wanted to help your daughter with the baby. So, the family decided it was best for you to adopt the baby and that's how you came to have three daughters. (This is only a suggestion, you will have to decide how best to talk to her).

You will probably have to have multiple conversations. My girls ask on and off about their stories and I add details as they get older and better able to handle it. We had talks in some of the strangest places-the grocery store, in the car out of the blue, I never know where it will take place. But I let them lead the way. Your counselor is a great resource. Also ice cream is never a bad thing though its not a requirement for these discussions.

Good luck!

Sue

Is there a reason for why you want to tell her now, after not telling her, her whole life? If you have never told her, and her birth mother is having another baby, she may have some rejection issues. If there is not the risk of someone else "spilling the beans", is there a good reason to upset her right now? She is not old enough to understand the burdens and responsibilities of young, unwed mothers. All she is going to understand is that the woman she thought was her sister, is her birth mother. It may confuse the heck out of her! Is there any more harm in waiting until she is older, until she can better understand this?
My aunt had to adopt her grandchild too, but she was always told who her biological mother was, so it was never an issue. It is just the way it is, and the way she has always known.
Whatever you decide, make sure it is in the interest of your little girl, and what is best for her.

Its too late now, but you really should have been telling her all along. I was adopted and dont remember ever being told. I just always knew, of course at some point my parents had to start telling me, but I dont remember. Since it's out of the question now I wouldnt dump her life history on her all at once. Try to find a way to mention adoption, since she knows what it is and then say by the way you are adopted, really casual like. Continue mentioning it from time to time until she gets used to the idea. Then if and when she asks about birth mother you can say her birth mother was very young and wasnt able to care for her.. Let her get used to this idea also, before you move on. I dont think having a counselor dumping all this on her at once is a good idea. She will be very confused and would be even if she didnt have her issues. Dont make it special, keep it matter of fact and casual and a normal thing. Why are you rushing things now? Do you think her mother/sister having a child will make the news any harder? She is very young and I doubt she would react right now. She might when she is a teen, but by then she should be used to the idea. Oh and introduce the new baby as her niece/nephew and not her sibling. Technically the birth mother is no longer her mother, so her children are not siblings.

I don't know what your counselor is advising you to do, but unless you have to proceed with telling your granddaughter now - I wouldn't. I have known a few different people who've been adopted and the ones I know who coped with the information the best were either told as adults or it was something they were always aware of from a very early age. I think this situation is compounded by the birth mother being a member of your family, still around and a likely source of pain and confusion for your granddaughter if told.

Again, I wouldn't tell her now and would revisit the situation when she's a stable adult.

What did the therapist suggest as far as the method to release this information to your daughter? Did he/she suggest having your oldest daughter present so she could help explain what happened? Most kids see the world in black and white with little grey area so your 8 yr old is not unique. I'd say to keep it all positive and be prepared to answer all the questions she's going to have for a long time.

I definitely have no first-hand advice for you. I agree with other posters that it probably would have been easier if she had always known about it, but at this point that advice doesn't help you one bit.
I agree with the posters who say to do this gradually and not give her all the information at once. And i think relating it to how you and your husband were adoption/foster children too will help her know that you relate to her life. No matter how you do it, i'm sure this will be a huge shock and turn her life upside down a bit. Reading the post about the sibling who reacted extremely and never was the same made me so sad... but i think that's something to be prepared for.
But that being said, i definitely have no experience, just telling you what feels right to me. If your counselor is someone you really trust, they probably have the best advice for you.
Good luck, and i hope that even though this will probably not be something your child will want to celebrate right away, maybe some day she will appreciate all the sacrifice and love you put into adopting and raising her.

My daughter is adopted and we have been telling her adoption story right from birth. Everyone deserves the right to know their story. I'm so glad you're not keeping this a secret from her and you are speaking with an adoption professional.

I think kids are smart and I would simply be honest with her and let her know how much she is loved by you and her birth mom. This will not be the only talk about her adoption. She's going to have many questions, probably throughout her life. Let her know she can come to you with any questions she may have and again how much you love her and perhaps apologize for not telling her sooner.

There is also a great website called Adoptivefamilies.com that might be able to give you talking points.

Sending you all my best wishes. You all will get through this and be a closer family.

My answer may be different but here goes. If you are being advised, tell her. If not start talking how special your whole family is especially her. After all, you got to chose her, most families dont get to pick. And yes after you tell her in private, Celebrate!!! You've been waiting a long time for this special party. Don't be too disappointed if she gets upset at first. She knows you love her and she'll come around. Then celebrate!!

It's so sad to me when kids aren't told the truth about their lives from the very beginning. They deserve the truth. My adopted daughter has known from the day she was born that she was adopted. I can't imagine it any other way. I don't know if your daughter is going to feel like celebrating. I think she'll be really upset instead. Plus her birth mother is getting married and having a child so this complicates the whole thing. She is going to have so many different emotions when you tell her. Can you have the counselor there when you talk to her? You are going to need some support if she has meltdowns. I don't really think you can plan anything other than telling her and seeing what happens. And you should do it as soon as possible, and go from there. I totally disagree with Retta's post about never telling adopted kids the truth. I think that's a horrible way to live and can't imagine lying to my child for his/her entire life.

She already has a problem understanding "gray" situations... meaning, NOT cut and dry situations.
THIS will really throw her for a loop.
She will not have "coping-skills" to cope with it all.... and she does not have emotional self-direction. A kid this age does not.
She will not know how to feel nor cope nor manage her feelings...

Is there an imperative reason, she has to be told?
What does the Counselor say?

Even making it special for her, ice cream, treats will not assuage the situation....

I really don't know... I can see her having a hard time with it.... and who knows for how long... maybe she will need LONG term counseling after that... and look out for behavioral issues... stemming from her inability to understand or cope. It won't be her "fault" if she can't cope... or if she regresses.

Instead of telling her because of the "situation" and the birth Mom being pregnant... I would, do it ONLY if she is mature enough and emotionally mature/ready to even hear something like that. Currently, she does not seem able to understand all the complexities of it... much less how to be. She will not have the inherent 'skills' or understanding to manage it....
So, I would go by her well-being... not because of the "situation" dictating how or when or what age she is told. The birth Mom being pregnant to me... is putting the cart before the horse... as far as 'when' to tell her.

all the best.

I am sorry I don't have any advice, but I read your question and I really feel for you, I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. Hope everything works out ok.

I'm wondering why you didn't tell your daughter that she is adopted before now? Most children are aware of their status as adoptees from their preschool years. Decades back, maybe when you were a kid, it was more hush hush and a secret, but I think you've done your daughter a disservice by not telling her right from the time that she was verbal. A counselor is a good idea. I don't think I'd plan on going out for ice cream or something special, this is not a birthday or graduation - you are going to tell her that the life and family she has always thought she had are not what you have been leading her to believe for all of her life. She may feel angry, or that you have betrayed her trust. She is not likely to just say "Okay" and want to go have an ice cream cone. You will likely not have one discussion about this and then that's it, this will be a recurring issue and you should be prepared for that. Answer her questions honestly and as simply as possible.

This is a tough one. Imagine finding out that your sister is really your mother... I think this calls for a bit more than just ice cream... Definitely talk to some professionals about how to handle this... Good luck.