Adopting Baby Number Two

Updated on December 29, 2007
D.J. asks from Amarillo, TX
12 answers

I have a wonderful four year old boy, and always thought I would have two kids. However, due to some recent health issues, I probably could not/should not carry another child. My husband and I are struggling with the decision to just have one child or adoption. My son is a great kid and seems happy. However, he is the only grandchild on both sides as well, so outside of daycare there is really no one for him to interact with. On the flip side, I don't know how having one biological child and one adopted child would be. I could certainly love the adopted one as much as my own, but I don't want him or her to ever feel like they are the odd man out. I would welcome any experiences or suggestions.

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J.H.

answers from Dallas on

Hi DeDe,

We have 2 biological daughters and adopted a son. He's only 16 months old so I can't tell you whether he feels like the odd man out or not but I can tell you that he is very happy and loved. I wouldn't worry about him/her feeling left out. You will be providing this child with a home and opportunities he/she might not have otherwise had.

My brother is also adopted. I am the only biological child of my mother and father. My sister is my father's daughter from a previous marriage. At times I forgot my brother was adopted. I doubt that he ever felt like the odd man out. He is very spoiled. We all have a wonderful relationship.

Hope that helps,
J.

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J.S.

answers from Dallas on

From the perspective of an aunt of 2 adopted children (and 4 "natural" kids, along with 2 "foster" nephews)...I love ALL of my nieces and nephews, NO MATTER HOW GOD GAVE THEM TO MY FAMILY!!!! PERIOD....

If you feel that God is leading you to adopt a sibling for your son, THEN DO IT.

One of my "birth" nephews was an only child until this year (he'll be 14 in Feb), when my brother and SIL bacame Foster parents to 2 of my nephew's friends, and they are adopting a girl from another state (she is 10). I couldn't be happier for them....While I am currently the only one outside of their immediate family to know about the adoption (in case it didn't go thru, or something else happened), I don't look at any of the 3 children as anything other than being my nephews and niece!!!

My sister was also unable to conceive a child on her own, so she and my BIL adopted my nephew who is 2 1/2 weeks older than my oldest son. NO ONE looks at my nephew as being ADOPTED. He is my sis's son...PERIOD. (And my son's best friend.) In fact, if I was to show you a pic of my whole family, I would dare you to pick out my "adopted" nephew out of the bunch....

If you haven't seen it yet, Hallmark Channel has "Adoption" on their website now. You might want to check it out. TLC has also been running "adoption" stories on their Birth Day shows, too, if I'm not mistaken.

One word of advice ~ If you do decide to go through with an adoption, MAKE SURE BOTH SETS OF GRANDPARENTS (and any aunts/uncles) UNDERSTAND THAT THIS CHILD IS YOUR CHILD....SAME AS YOUR "BIRTH" SON, AND IS NOT TO BE TREATED DIFFERENTLY, other than to be treated as an individual.

(In fact, the only reason I ever talk about my nephew being adopted is to hopefully shed some light that ADOPTION IS WONDERFUL, because too many people have the attitude that if they can't give birth, they WON'T adopt, and they are missing out on soooo much!!)

Feel Free to email me anytime....and God Bless You, no matter which decision you make.
~J.~
[email protected]____.com

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K.T.

answers from Dallas on

Dede,

I have a few experiences with this issue-1. I'm adopted and 2. I have a family friend who had one natural and one adopted child. I would have to say from my standpoint so long as you love each child as your own-there shouldn't be a problem. Do know that that question will probably come up but just reassure them of your love!!! Also, my parents adopted both me and my brother and then their best friends adopted their first child and then later conceived their 2nd child. I can tell you right now-I never noticed any difference between the two and didn't even know that the one was adopted till I was an adult. I think just for blending purposes... I would adopt a child from your race. Just for the fact your wanting him to 'fit in' and with a child of 'your own' and then adopting...that to me would make the adopted child feel out of place if they weren't the 'same' as the rest of their family you know.

And on another note-my daughter was the first born to us and the first grandchild on both sides. I never noticed how spoiled she had gotten till we had our 2nd. My personal opinion is I think kids need siblings :). She loves her brother so much right now and it has really taught her about sharing and caring for other people. Not to mention he really looks up to her as well.

Good luck and God bless you in whatever your decision!

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E.D.

answers from Dallas on

We want to adopt our second as well. We may adopt a sibling set. We aren't sure.
As long as they are younger than our son (also four) we figure it is ok.
I had him at 40. Pregnancy was not easy for me... getting or staying pregnant... anyway, my best advise is to pray about it, and search your hearts. Lots of children need a great home. If you have the love in your heart and a longing for another child in your home.... you will find a solution that works for you.

Many blessings.
E.

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D.C.

answers from Dallas on

DeDe J,
I have known couples who have had adopted children and biological
children within the same family and they have made it work.
When you love all the children equally, there should not be
any problems.
When your children are older, and can understand, you sit them
down and explain, God gave you the biological child out of love and the adpoted child God gave you out of choice. Explain to the adopted child that you and your husband's love
for him/her is soooo special that you were allowed to choose
them to share this love with. Your biological child will always be loved because he is a special part of both you and
his father and the adopted child has a special love because
you were given that unique chance to choose which child to
share your special love.
God bless you as you raise your children
D.

C.R.

answers from Dallas on

Hi DeDe,
Well we have two adopted boys. So I am coming at it from a different angle.
I would suggest that you search you hearts in the area of having another child for you and your husband alone. Without the thought of your child being an only child. Then if you feel lead to go forward with an adoption I would. To have another child for the sake of your son is not a good foundation to start an adoption on. As well we can not look into the future and see what their relationship will be when they get older.
I would think that you should consider your son when making this decision but it should not be the sole reason.As for being concerned about having one biological and one adopted, as long as you want another child this will not be a problem.
When a child is accepted and loved it makes no difference how they came into your lives. :)
We have a very blended family. Both of my sons are bi racial, one is African American and the other is Hispanic. My mother was Japanese and my husband is about as white as you can get with red hair! We are colorful over here for sure.
We are a family. And they will grow up knowing nothing different.
I wish you the best if what ever you decide.
C.

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A.A.

answers from New Orleans on

would you consider adopting an older child or only a newborn?

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B.E.

answers from Houston on

my son has a boy and has adopted a girl/ the boy loves her just like a real sister/ she is adorable and i love her like my own grandchild. if family,friends,etc are not allowed to treat adopted child any different from your own he or she will be the same as your own. my adopted grand daughter has brought much joy into our lives!!

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E.N.

answers from Dallas on

Dear DeDe;

If you want to adopt a child you should do so... Kids always need someone to talk to and play with and if you do bring a child inside your home you are not taking away from your 4 year old instead you are giving him the chance into being an individual when there's only one kids they are usually spoil and unrealistic on what the real world is. They think that everything they want they will get and I honestly think that by having a sibling to play with and talk to you are giving him the unconditional friend that he will need when he grows up. He will be able to count on this child when he feels that he can't talk to you... Kids are wonderful and never take more then you can handle, I have 4 of my own and people always ask me how I do it? And honestly is all about STRUCTURE & LOVE ofcourse. I have well behave children they are sweet to eachother and they take care of eachother ofcourse like every sibling they do have their ups and down but overall I am bless.. So good luck with whatever you decide to do just remember that onces you take that child into your home he or she is not an odd Ball anymore (Now is a Happy EVEN Ball) Because you blessed them by giving he or she the home they so deserve.

Be Bless,

Eva :0)

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S.P.

answers from Houston on

Dear DeDe

I am the stepmother of 3 great kids, but if you ask me if they are mine I will tell you yes. No I did not give birth to them but in every other aspect of motherhood they are my children. As long as you are capable of loving a child like a mother should then genetics has nothing to do with it. I was not blessed with the ablity to have biological children but I was more than blessed to have 3 kids that I love more than life. As long as you dont treat them like the odd man out they wont feel like the odd man out. You have to be able to look at that child with the same love you already have for your son and let that child know that you choose to be their mother and that you wanted him/her for your own. Just something to think about.

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D.H.

answers from Austin on

DeDe,

I come from this with years of experience. I am the mother of 3. 2 through adoption and 1 home grown. They are 19 (the surprise home grown son) 22 our daughter (who happens to be biracial and a beauty) and 24 our first adoption and oldest son. For those who do not understand adoption completly they may say things like - which one is yours? or -oh is that the adopted one? Or -real son and so on. They are ALL my own. They are all real. I just put my family together in a different fashion than others but trust me I am the REAL mom and they are my REAL kids. I include this to point out the interesting things that are said and felt about adoption. Not everyone in your life will accept your adoption the same way as you do. It is not about saving a child (unless you adopt older and bless you if you do) It is about growing your family through adoption with a heart for all that this will bring. Prepare, read about adoption, read about birth parents, get hummor about this as well! I tell everyone when they ask which are my real kids that I have the pink slip on all of them. One of the first things By the way Caroline is right on target with her coments take hers to heart. One should have more children because you want more. Not for any other reason. I feel your son will be just fine no matter what the decision as long as you AND your husband approach the future with your hearts in the right place. Adoption DOES come with issues. My husband and I thought that nurture was way more important than nature when we entered into adoption 25 years ago. We have learned a lot since then. At times it has been a very interesting ride. I will share more with you if you want to talk more. Just email me and we can have a phone conversation. I owned my own adoption service many years ago in San Diego and am well versed and open to talk about this if you want to. We did learn that nature rules and nurtures helps. We as parents can tweek things a bit but that is all we can do. Can you accept that this child that you adopt will have birth parents who may want continued contact? Some do. Not all. My daughters birth family stayed in touch for years, my sons never did. Are you ok with your child wanting to do a search for birth parents at some time in their life? Are you ok with unknown medical issues? So on and so forth.

I see that I rambled on and on. I can do that on this subject. Sorry about that but do know that I will be happy to discuss this with you if you want or you may speak with my grown kids about the subject. Good luck with your decision. Just make it with your heart in the right place and make sure both you and your husband want this. Remember your son will be at least 5 before this child arrives in your home!

About me: Mom of 3 grown kids and one grandchild. Our granddaughter lived with us for the last year while her mom served in the Marines in Iraq. That is why I read this mom site. I had to be a mom to a toddler again.

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T.L.

answers from Dallas on

We are biological parents of an only child and almost adopted when our daughter was 7, but it fell through. The upside, our daughter is now 14, very well adjusted and is happy being an only child. In fact, she never wanted siblings. Because of sports, school activities, kids in the neighborhood, she is very social and our house is where everyone hangs out.

She has several cousins but sees them mainly at holidays with an ocassional birthday - so 2X a year. The cousins that she sees more often are grown, or much younger so they don't really play together.

Wishing you the best on whatever you decide.

T.

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